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Post by isthisit on Jan 22, 2019 6:49:24 GMT -5
For those not familiar with my story, I found ILIASM around six months ago, and became aware that the dysfunction in my 21 year SM which I had believed to be unique to our relationship was in fact very typical. I was helped enormously by understanding concepts such as 'why chasing', 're set' and 'FOG' etc were normal responses to this miserable way to live. Now, when I arrived I was a resolute stayer- I believe my description was 'for the benefit of others' namely my two lovely children who are teens. I had unwittingly adopted the 'college plan' and planned my escape sometime in the future. This was because of my family of four, three people were very happy indeed with the status quo- and I was 'silently screaming'. However, three things have intervened recently which have motivated a change in my thinking. Firstly the wonderful ILIASM community where the contribution of those still in and suffering and also escapees reflecting life on the outside allowed me to realise that my thinking excluded what I wanted and needed. This realisation caused me to begin the process of distancing within my marriage, and this allowed me to see an alternative future. Secondly, my path crossed with a lovely yet very sick young person aged 10 years who reminded me what bravery is and that time is precious. So last Wednesday I told my H that I could not be his wife any longer, and that I needed to separate from him. He was and remains fairly devastated (we escaped the acrimony evident in many relationships described here thankfully) as of course he had the perfect marriage for him. He is beginning to understand my rationale, and although we have a long ways to go, he seems to be accepting that the future will look different than he had anticipated. He is sad but not angry with me as I had feared, so I am hopeful for an amicable journey. This whole experience was unspeakably awful- but I have been really surprised- I expected to feel guilty and fear making an enormous and irrevocable mistake- but not at all. I am distressed at his pain of course, but feel resolute and weirdly 'lighter' as the life I would like, and now know I deserve, just got one step closer- so not at all what I had imagined. The third factor? A new friend from this community with whom I have established a close bond. This person has listened to me through all of my thinking, told me that I am an amazing woman when I needed to hear it, and gave me the confidence to strive for the life I really want rather than maintaining the pretence which was suffocating me. You know who you are, and I couldn't have done it without you.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 22, 2019 9:45:28 GMT -5
Wishing you the best. Get a lawyer ASAP. The divorce may not be as acrimony free as you expect. It’s also possible that he doesn’t believe you will go through it. When he does, his attitude may change.
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Post by isthisit on Jan 22, 2019 10:14:16 GMT -5
Wishing you the best. Get a lawyer ASAP. The divorce may not be as acrimony free as you expect. It’s also possible that youth doesn’t believe you will go through it. When he does, his attitude may change. Hmmm, I expect that you are right, but I have chosen not to do this just now. I may regret this (and am anticipating a kicking from my ILIASM friends....) but I have confidence in his sense of fairness and think ‘lawyering up’ may be detrimental to our peaceful progress.... we shall see. Yes it sounds lame, and I would probably advise against it, but it feels right just now, and I can do it later if I have to.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 22, 2019 11:44:32 GMT -5
Lawyering up is not just to protect yourself. It’s also so you know what the divorce will involve and what your living standard is likely to be after you divorce. In many places, the consultation — first visit is free and will provide you with much of this info. For instance, in my state, assets and debts are usually divided 50:50 if one has been married st least 10 years. That’s useful to know as is the timeline for how long divorce will take. Some states require one to be legally separated for a year before divorcing.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2019 12:23:00 GMT -5
Congrats on your decision and moving from center. Best wishes that all works out as you are hoping. As for the lawyer, contacting one does not have to be as acrimonious as you are imaging. Fact is, one will be needed if you are serious in divorcing - whether you file an amicable dissolution or file for divorce. By contacting one you are merely taking the next logical step forward and ensuring all is done fairly - for both of you. Good luck! We all understand what a hard decision that was for you to make.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 22, 2019 12:47:11 GMT -5
My divorce was not acrimonious nor unfair to either of us. I also used a lawyer. It was very helpful to know the legal issues and to have someone else do the paperwork, which can be a pain. The lawyer I chose avoided working with clients who wanted a pit bull lawyer trying to get an unfair settlement.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 22, 2019 13:15:17 GMT -5
Wishing you the best. Get a lawyer ASAP. The divorce may not be as acrimony free as you expect. It’s also possible that youth doesn’t believe you will go through it. When he does, his attitude may change. Hmmm, I expect that you are right, but I have chosen not to do this just now. I may regret this (and am anticipating a kicking from my ILIASM friends....) but I have confidence in his sense of fairness and think ‘lawyering up’ may be detrimental to our peaceful progress.... we shall see. Yes it sounds lame, and I would probably advise against it, but it feels right just now, and I can do it later if I have to. Keep in mind that he is still in the first stage of grief - denial. As he begins to process the new reality, you may be surprised at how quickly the veneer is stripped away. I kept my divorce amicable by essentially bribing my ex to go along to get along. If you do not have a currency he desires (cash worked for my ex pretty well) you may find yourself on the defensive. Go see a lawyer for a free consult ASAP. Your STBX need never know but you will have a better roadmap for what bumps could lie ahead. Good luck!
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Post by isthisit on Jan 22, 2019 13:22:02 GMT -5
Hmmm, I expect that you are right, but I have chosen not to do this just now. I may regret this (and am anticipating a kicking from my ILIASM friends....) but I have confidence in his sense of fairness and think ‘lawyering up’ may be detrimental to our peaceful progress.... we shall see. Yes it sounds lame, and I would probably advise against it, but it feels right just now, and I can do it later if I have to. Keep in mind that he is still in the first stage of grief - denial. As he begins to process the new reality, you may be surprised at how quickly the veneer is stripped away. I kept my divorce amicable by essentially bribing my ex to go along to get along. If you do not have a currency he desires (cash worked for my ex pretty well) you may find yourself on the defensive. Go see a lawyer for a free consult ASAP. Your STBX need never know but you will have a better roadmap for what bumps could lie ahead. Good luck! Thanks Shammy. The thing is I couldn’t lie about that if he asked, and I think he would be very hurt that I didn’t trust him to be fair. I know what I would think if I read this thread.... get a bloody lawyer are you mad? But it feels right just now. Your points remain valid if course....and I remain vigilant.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 22, 2019 14:28:54 GMT -5
Keep in mind that he is still in the first stage of grief - denial. As he begins to process the new reality, you may be surprised at how quickly the veneer is stripped away. I kept my divorce amicable by essentially bribing my ex to go along to get along. If you do not have a currency he desires (cash worked for my ex pretty well) you may find yourself on the defensive. Go see a lawyer for a free consult ASAP. Your STBX need never know but you will have a better roadmap for what bumps could lie ahead. Good luck! Thanks Shammy. The thing is I couldn’t lie about that if he asked, and I think he would be very hurt that I didn’t trust him to be fair. I know what I would think if I read this thread.... get a bloody lawyer are you mad? But it feels right just now. Your points remain valid if course....and I remain vigilant. Fair enough. However, have you both spoken about not getting lawyers? It could be you're playing by one set of rules and he by another.
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Post by isthisit on Jan 22, 2019 14:48:52 GMT -5
Thanks Shammy. The thing is I couldn’t lie about that if he asked, and I think he would be very hurt that I didn’t trust him to be fair. I know what I would think if I read this thread.... get a bloody lawyer are you mad? But it feels right just now. Your points remain valid if course....and I remain vigilant. Fair enough. However, have you both spoken about not getting lawyers? It could be you're playing by one set of rules and he by another. [br Yeah we have, and I would trust his integrity without question. We currently share a bank account, and I am happy to do this too until we are sorted out (she ducks for cover...). I am aiming for the world’s most amicable split, but I promise if it goes to shit, I will let you all know as a caution to other romantics....
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 22, 2019 15:12:04 GMT -5
Even if you both are planning on an amicable split it still is wise for both to consult a lawyer so you learn the requirements of divorce in your area.
I used a lawyer. My ex didn’t. We still split amicably even though we were living together for a year during the divorce proceedings. We never argued at all over it. I am a major procrastinator due to anxiety problems. Having a lawyer provided me with the structure I needed.
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Post by whuffo on Jan 22, 2019 15:32:19 GMT -5
So instead of piling on sister ITI for knowing her own situation enough to know that it’s not the right time for a lawyer for her and her deal, how about congratulating her for having the courage and fortitude to setting the groundwork to finally getting the life she wants and deserves? Something that so many of us here have not done. Congratulations Sister ITI! While a lot of us sit stagnant in our deal, you have the fortitude and strength to make the only change that will make a difference as all statistics show. Stay strong as you are in for an uphill battle, and when the time is right for YOU, you will know what to do. Thank you for sharing that inspirational news and congratulations again. You have my utmost respect.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 22, 2019 15:44:31 GMT -5
None of us know she knows her own situation enough to know it’s wise to get out without consulting a lawyer. We do know it’s wise to get facts before making any major decision. Many of us also have experienced or have seen folks shred their cred by prematurely announcing divorce. There also are some who have been financially or otherwise screwed by a spouse who was unexpectedly vindictive and secretive.
As for congrats, whether she divorces or not is her call. Some here announced they were divorcing and then changed their mind after figuring out the risks weren’t worth the things they would lose, including being with a partner who loved them. I don’t have any stake in her marriage. I just hope that whatever she chooses is a fully informed choice.
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Post by baza on Jan 22, 2019 16:11:22 GMT -5
Congratulations thus far Sister isthisit . Re - seeing a lawyer. You can obviously see some upside in going in to the divorce without legal representation. What is that upside ?
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Post by isthisit on Jan 22, 2019 16:22:22 GMT -5
Congratulations thus far Sister isthisit . Re - seeing a lawyer. You can obviously see some upside in going in to the divorce without legal representation. What is that upside ? Thanks baza I am interested in everyone’s assumption that I plan to divorce. I haven’t said that at all. I simply asked my H for a separation. This does not at all imply a temporary measure, I wouldn’t put myself, him or our children through the upcoming pain only to return to the SM status quo. Our separation will be final- but a split of assets and living arrangements is currently my only goal. As far as I am concerned I do not need a divorce to pursue other relationships and much needed sexual activity. This may come with time, but I can’t see me wanting to remarry anytime soon. The upside of not seeking a legal view just now is that this would cause my H some pain I think and he is having a hard enough time of it as it is. He told me that I had been a ‘perfect in every way wife’ and he is traumatised that his future looks different than he had assumed. If I wish for a legal view, I could well suggest that we go together. He is the father of my children and has never given me cause to doubt his integrity, and I think he deserves some sensitivity and respect. Maybe I will regret this decision, but it feels right and I ‘trust my guy’ . Does that answer your question?
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