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Post by northstarmom on Nov 7, 2018 14:40:17 GMT -5
“i don't understand why anyone would be insulted by someone making apass at them. I mean I'm not trying to be offencive but I think some people are overly sensitive. Or maybe they just are getting more interest than I am.”
Let me see if I can spell this out for you. Passes can be crude such as, “Can I get some ass?” which was said to me in response to my saying “hello” back to a friendly looking man as I was walking down the street. More than 30 years later I still remember how insulted I was and how that ruined my day.
Another example: I made a presentation at an out of town business conference and a man there was very encouraging about my presentation. We exchanged business cards. He somehow took that as an invitation to call and invite me to his hotel room when he came to town. An exchange of business cards should not be interpreted as a woman’s being open for a hotel rendezvous. It’s not like I’d passed him my hotel room key at a cocktail party. What I was doing was business networking and expected to be taken seriously as a colleague not assessed for affair possibilities.
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Flirting
Nov 7, 2018 14:50:41 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by northstarmom on Nov 7, 2018 14:50:41 GMT -5
Handy said :”One woman was telling me about her super friendly chat with some unknown guy that went on for an hour. Lots of information passed both ways,,,, until she thought it was getting personal or sexual. The next day she asked me how to delete the guy and his texts on her phone. I sized her up as only wanting friends. I had talked with her for over a month after yoga and she told me an awful lot about her entire life. We actually had a lot in common but I gather every male would be in the friend zone. It took a month of talking with her to determine the "friend zone" thing.”
Just because she friend zoned that one guy who had gotten sexual after a chat didn’t mean she would friend zone every man. Getting sexual after just a one hour chat would repel many women including me. Getting sexual after knowing someone and chatting for a month would be very different. Of course I don’t know if she would have friend zoned you. She may or may not have been open to a relationship with a married man,
I had nice chats after yoga and meditation with a nice man over a period of a couple of years including when I was married and divorcing. When I was divorcing, I would have been interested in dating him but didn’t realize his interest in me until after my divorce was final. By then I was taken. If he had even while I was divorcing invited me to continue our chats over coffee I might have ended up with him not post sm partner. That would have bern a very low risk move on his part.
And lots of romances do start as friendships.
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Post by flashjohn on Nov 7, 2018 17:14:16 GMT -5
I couldn't flirt if my life depended on it. Never could. Not in my teens and twenties when I should have been doing it, so I don't fancy my chances in my forties. The more I am attracted to someone the less equipped I am to communicate who I am, let alone interest. Damn, I'm going to be on my own forever! Go on Youtube and do a search on how to flirt. You will be able to learn it very quickly.
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Post by Handy on Nov 7, 2018 17:48:03 GMT -5
Saarinista fyi, i don't understand why anyone would be insulted by someone making apass at them.
Saarinista, I try to be friendly without going overboard. I have complimented people indirectly and have had some negative reactions from women, that to me, felt like her saying for me "to back off, you over sexed man." Or, "mind your own dam business." I am going to say, my intentions were truely to say what this woman did was something to be commended.
OTH, I am not one who likes to intrude, so I might be too sensitive to other people's reaction. It might be better from my end to just think "OK, their loss" instead of worrying I did something out of line.
Encountering negative reactions just leads me to say less and go about my business. I might appear that I don't care or that I am self centered. I don't like being in a "no-win situation so I retreat.
Maybe I need to re-read my book "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.
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Flirting
Nov 7, 2018 21:37:51 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by isthisit on Nov 7, 2018 21:37:51 GMT -5
I couldn't flirt if my life depended on it. Never could. Not in my teens and twenties when I should have been doing it, so I don't fancy my chances in my forties. The more I am attracted to someone the less equipped I am to communicate who I am, let alone interest. Damn, I'm going to be on my own forever! Go on Youtube and do a search on how to flirt. You will be able to learn it very quickly.
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Post by isthisit on Nov 7, 2018 21:58:31 GMT -5
Go on Youtube and do a search on how to flirt. You will be able to learn it very quickly. Hmmm, the problem is more around being able to do it, rather than not knowing the ropes so to speak. Recently my path has crossed with a guy with whom I feel a spark, and I find myself thinking about him a lot. He has paid me several compliments in relation to professional activity (‘inspirational’), personal qualities (‘you’re the complete package, you need to stay exactly who you are’) and personality ( ‘I could talk to you all night’). I recognise an opportunity to flirt to move things on here. However, a few problems- 1) he is a co worker and they get automatically friend zoned- don’t need that at work, 2) I’m married at the moment and I would prefer to resolve that and come out the other side in one piece prior to new relationships. 3) the biggie...... after falling head over heels in love with H and ending up where I am today, I guess I don’t trust myself. Think I need to work on that last one.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 7, 2018 23:20:50 GMT -5
"1) he is a co worker and they get automatically friend zoned- don’t need that at work, 2) I’m married at the moment and I would prefer to resolve that and come out the other side in one piece prior to new relationships. 3) the biggie...... after falling head over heels in love with H and ending up where I am today, I guess I don’t trust myself. Think I need to work on that last one."
All are really good reasons to pick some other man to flirt with -- someone whom you don't work with. You have good sense not to flirt with that guy.
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Post by Dan on Nov 8, 2018 0:06:51 GMT -5
Could someone explain to me the difference between flirting and conversing with someone? To me, having a friendly conversation with someone of the gender one is attracted to is just s friendly conversation unless one deliberately does things to inspire or demonstrate sexual interest. ... I don’t consider that flirting, just being charming and nice ... I think this is a fair question. I think what I mean when I say "I'm very flirty" could equally be deemed me being "charming". (Or, well, attempting to be.) I propose the very subtle difference by example: I might say something amusing about the situation out loud to a group. Or maybe I make a kind remark to a child. That little bit of social levity or kindness would be "charm". But if I lean in to the [female] cashier or to the lady next to me on the train and make a one-to-one comment, there is a certain social barrier that I'm poking through. I'm striving for this little moment of intimacy one-on-one with someone. There is just that little hint of sexual tension/energy that is -- for me -- what makes it a "flirt". It could be ignored, or misconstrued, or rebuffed. C'est la vie. Nothing ventured, nothing gained... right? BUT: it could cause a smile. It might even lead to a conversation... or a new acquaintance, or even a new friend. And even if it is "just" a smile that I get in return: I love how it makes me feel to have made that little connection with someone! -------- Addendum: Here's a thought. I think in NSM's view some level of sexual attraction must precede a flirt. I think I flirt to see if there is any sexual attraction. After all, it is the connection that is seductive. If that little connection is made, that's a surer first step than "I think she's cute".
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