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Post by Handy on Nov 1, 2018 19:56:53 GMT -5
Working I generally observe her from a distance for a short period of time to see if her body language hints at being approachable.
Hints of being approachable, would be difficult for me to determine. I understand, sometimes I just have to try and YES, the other person might react negatively.
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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 1, 2018 20:39:08 GMT -5
Interesting thoughts on asexual joy. I don't think my asexual ex got joy from much of anything. One of my ex's greatest perceivable joys was winning an argument, and the runner up was convincing others that her view of the world was the proper one. This sounds similar to my asexual ex. Intense need to be right, intense need to NOT be vulnerable, and seemed to only find sense of “joy” in achieving success (but never stopped to actually enjoy it when he achieved it, just immediately onto the next goal). Not sure where his asexuality fit into all this but the dude sure has some issues.
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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 1, 2018 20:40:40 GMT -5
I think flirting and confidence go hand in hand. Tough to flirt if you’re not feeling confident.
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Post by solodriver on Nov 1, 2018 20:43:54 GMT -5
Interesting thoughts on asexual joy. I don't think my asexual ex got joy from much of anything. One of my ex's greatest perceivable joys was winning an argument, and the runner up was convincing others that her view of the world was the proper one. You must have been married to my wife's sister, lol
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 1, 2018 20:44:05 GMT -5
This reminds me of a long ago thread started by Caris, who mentioned that random men would enter conversations with her when she was, I think, at the park. I said they were talking with her because they found something about her attractive and approachable, but she insisted that was not possible: She thought they just felt like talking. The comments on this thread, however, seem to indicate that yes, when men start talking to a random woman they do find something about her to be attractive, and they may be hoping for more than conversation.
A word of caution to guys: Just because a woman engages in conversation, smiles, complements, etc. doesn't mean that she's interested in a relationship or an affair. She may be just friendly and charming. For instance, while I was handing out political flyers today, I got into a half hour conversation with a nice man. We even exchanged names. We had a lot in common and I found him attractive. However, I have no interest in dating him or sleeping with him. He would be a nice platonic friend -- and I have those kind of friendships with some men, but I'm only interested in romance/sex with post SM lover and I'd be insulted if the man I met made a pass at me.
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Post by Handy on Nov 1, 2018 23:57:49 GMT -5
NSM a) He would be a nice platonic friend -- and I have those kind of friendships with some men, b) but I'm only interested in romance/sex with post SM lover c) and I'd be insulted if the man I met made a pass at me.
NSM, I understand that some women find it interesting to talk with men and it doesn't mean any more in a romantic way.
part a) Yes it is good to have friends, I like to have friends. part b) I am really only interested in one romantic/sexual partner, so we think along similar lines. part c) Here is where I stop most of the time. I don't want to lose a friend so I don't push the idea of wanting more than a friendship. I might mention something romantic or slightly sexual that some other person did and I observed or read about, hoping the woman will make more out of my comments. So far not much has been taken and expanded upon by any woman except on a forum like ILIASM. Nothing had happened in real life.
I have tried a few different things and the next thing I plan on doing is talk less and in a subtle way get the woman to talk more about her feelings. I have done the "more listening thing before" and felt like a sponge to soak up the woman's words, somewhat what like I was some type of word dumpster (UK dust bin maybe). My mother did this to me (she talked and I listened) so maybe I am a bit sensitive or maybe I need to up my word skills.
I am working on a better balance and to find some way to gauge friendly VS interested in me type of talk.
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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 2, 2018 1:09:51 GMT -5
NSM: You’d be “insulted” if he showed interest in you as more than a friend? Why? You guys got on well and you found him attractive; if he showed interest it would just tell you he felt the same about you. I would think the reaction would be flattered, not insulted. You could just tell him that you are already in a committed relationship so you are not interested.
How would he know you aren’t interested unless he attempted to see if you are? (Unless you flat out told him upfront that you aren’t?) If he likes you, you are giving him no option to find out if you like him back without ruining a potential friendship. No wonder why people are so shy to be upfront about their feelings.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 2, 2018 3:28:56 GMT -5
I don't think there is any reason to be insulted if someone shows interest. I think it is flattering. I am even trying to think of a condition where I might think of it as insulting, and nothing comes to mind. A woman interested in me, or a man even though there is no interest the other way, would be a compliment, a nice reminder that I've still got it. I'd also feel complimented if they noticed my girlfriend. Keep in mind, my perspective is a little different due to the nonmonogamous nature of our relationship, but, I don't think it is that much different. I am assuming, of course, that the interactions are all done tactfully. There is a huge difference between a woman mentioning I has a great ass versus one that says they'd like to peg it until I beg for mercy twice.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 2, 2018 4:13:17 GMT -5
I am assuming, of course, that the interactions are all done tactfully. There is a huge difference between a woman mentioning I has a great ass versus one that says they'd like to peg it until I beg for mercy twice. I won't know if I'm insulted by that until it happens to me
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Flirting
Nov 2, 2018 7:21:04 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by northstarmom on Nov 2, 2018 7:21:04 GMT -5
“I don't think there is any reason to be insulted if someone shows interest.”
An example of an encounter I found insulting. At a conference where I was a speaker for the first time, I got into a nice conversation with a man who was very encouraging about my speech. We exchanged business cards in a professional way just as I exchanged cards with many others. I was married, wore a ring and probably also mentioned my husband and child.
He came to my city a few months later called me and invited me to meet him at his hotel room. I was insulted. I find absolutely nothing about that invitation flattering.
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Post by Dan on Nov 2, 2018 7:42:17 GMT -5
He came to my city a few months later called me and invited me to meet him at his hotel room. I was insulted. I find absolutely nothing about that invitation flattering. From my vantage point (and considering the remarks of others to NSM re being insulted), there are two different levels here: - If a man "shows interest" in certain ways -- inviting out a woman out for coffee, or asking for a phone number, or just straight up asking "are you seeing anyone?" -- I would hope a woman would not be insulted (as excellently said by choosinghappy ).
- If a man "shows interest" in other ways -- such as "the next time we crossed paths it was months later and he straight up invited me to his hotel room" -- I could see someone taking offense at the man's presumption that "a bit of sex might be the right next step".
FWIW: my twin hunches are: 1) there are probably some women who are actually like that (willing to seek a little nookie while away on a business trip), and 2) he has probably had enough success with that approach that he continues to use it.
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Flirting
Nov 2, 2018 7:57:11 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by northstarmom on Nov 2, 2018 7:57:11 GMT -5
Choosing happy: “NSM: You’d be “insulted” if he showed interest in you as more than a friend? ”
What I mean is if after one conversation he said, “I’d like to sleep with you” or “meet me at a hotel,” I’d find that insulting. Nothing about the conversation indicated I’d jump into bed with him.
If he had said something like, “You are an interesting, attractive woman. If you weren’t taken already (I’d mentioned I have a partner) I’d ask you out,” that would have bern flattering.
I wouldn’t have been insulted if he’d asked me out for coffee. I might have even gone. I have several male platonic friends including some I meet for lunch, drinks or go on outings with if post sm partner isn’t interested.
As for the guy who posted earlier wondering how to find out if women are interested in him, he could say something like, “i enjoy talking to you. If we weren’t both married, I’d ask you out.” If the woman is interested in him, she will reply with something like, “What they don’t know won’t hurt them.”
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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 2, 2018 8:31:03 GMT -5
He came to my city a few months later called me and invited me to meet him at his hotel room. I was insulted. I find absolutely nothing about that invitation flattering. From my vantage point (and considering the remarks of others to NSM re being insulted), there are two different levels here: - If a man "shows interest" in certain ways -- inviting out a woman out for coffee, or asking for a phone number, or just straight up asking "are you seeing anyone?" -- I would hope a woman would not be insulted (as excellently said by choosinghappy ).
- If a man "shows interest" in other ways -- such as "the next time we crossed paths it was months later and he straight up invited me to his hotel room" -- I could see someone taking offense at the man's presumption that "a bit of sex might be the right next step".
FWIW: my twin hunches are: 1) there are probably some women who are actually like that (willing to seek a little nookie while away on a business trip), and 2) he has probably had enough success with that approach that he continues to use it. ...or 3) he could just flat out be an asshole. There are plenty of those out there too. I agree with the differentiation and my point was towards scenario #1 of someone respectfully showing they are interested.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 2, 2018 8:34:31 GMT -5
A word of caution to guys: Just because a woman engages in conversation, smiles, complements, etc. doesn't mean that she's interested in a relationship or an affair. She may be just friendly and charming. Why this is aimed at every man, is anybody's guess? Take it with a grain of salt. The same caution could be directected to gals, and still is not correct. A word of caution to gals: Just because a man engages in conversation, smiles, compliments, etc. doesn't mean that he's interested in a relationship or an affair. He may just be friendly and charming.
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Post by Dan on Nov 2, 2018 8:46:36 GMT -5
...or 3) he could just flat out be an asshole. There are plenty of those out there too. Yeah, that was a given. You know, I understand why women hate the fact they there are Assholish Men out there... because they have to deal with them. But -- just so you women here know -- men like me hate Assholish Men, too. In part because they generally make women substantially more circumspect about dealing with men, and that makes things MUCH dicier for the good men. (In other part, because no one of either gender should have to suffer assholes of either gender.) My plea to women: next time a guy you are interested in seems to be going "a bit slow" (you'd actually like him to show his interest in you if he is interested), please send him a sign -- as plain as possible -- that you are OK with him turning up the flirt. PLEASE consider that the good men are trying to be respectful, and women are not only hard to read but very different from one another. My plea to men: don't be assholes.
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