nicky
Junior Member
Posts: 36
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Post by nicky on Jul 8, 2018 22:27:00 GMT -5
it's not that i don't love my wife, but we haven't had sex since my second child was conceived 5 1/2 years ago
my kids are currently in kindergarten now. i dream daily about leaving my wife after both kids enter primary school, about 1 1/2 years later
my wife is like super nervous and a ragaholic. yesterday she shouted at the maid for 2 hours for giving my daughter lunch slightly late. the maid just broke down and cried. i felt terrible hearing her shout, tried to hide in the room to sleep. i've tried everything to cope, i've studied a psychological counseling maters degree to cope.
my wife never worked after university and became shortly pregnant after we married. i guess from her side she would tell you i was not caring enough, that she was in constant pressure (from life in general). i thought she was temporarily tensed by the responsibilities of childcare. but now my youngest is 4, i know that she'll probably never change
i want to leave my wife, but i fear the repercussions that'll bring to my kids.
what should i do? please help!
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Post by baza on Jul 8, 2018 23:28:31 GMT -5
Clearly, you need to get some quality advice about "the repurcussions that'll bring to my kids" if you leave.
What you also need to seriously consider are the PRESENT repurcussions to your kids in this toxic situation they are in right here and right now. It is very hard to see the present environment being good for them.
Seeing a lawyer in your jurisdiction to see how a divorce would shake out for you financially, custody wise etc etc seems pivotal information for you to get.
Is your missus diagnosed as nuts, or as having post natal depression or anything "proveable" ? Would you be chasing full custody ?
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 9, 2018 7:45:09 GMT -5
“my wife is like super nervous and a ragaholic. yesterday she shouted at the maid for 2 hours for giving my daughter lunch slightly late. the maid just broke down and cried. i felt terrible hearing her shout, tried to hide in the room to sleep. i've tried everything to cope, i've studied a psychological counseling maters degree to cope. “
You seem passive and cowardly to not intervene including doing what every you can to get your wife into psychiatric treatment and protect your kids and others from your wife’s frightening and destructive behavior.
Lack of sex is a trivial concern compared to your and your kids living with a woman with an explosive temper.
Is there a reason you aren’t seeking divorce and full custody to protect your children?
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nicky
Junior Member
Posts: 36
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Post by nicky on Jul 9, 2018 21:33:17 GMT -5
i guess i am passive and cowardly, but i can't see how i can get my wife into psychiatric treatment. she openly says that it is my problem instead of hers, and she says i am not a caring person.
maybe i've exaggerated my wife's problem a bit, she doesn't shout like this 24/7. i think she's generally good for the kids, she manages the kids' day to day activities, she genuinely cares about them, she managed to get our kids into top schools.
the shouting doesn't affect the kids as much. i see they are growing up happily and healthily. even when my wife looses it occasionally and shouts at the kids (which happens say once every month), it is usually for a good reason (like not doing homework), and i can see how having a strict discipline can be good for the kid (although of course i do not agree in shouting, and i intervene when it gets too much). by living with them, i closely monitor the situation and step in whenever necessary. really i do not worry about the kids now, they'll be happy enough as long as i'm around to protect them
for the kids, they recover much better and quicker than i do. i guess the kids don't take it personally. they appear to forget about it 5 minutes later. and they clearly LOVE their mother even though they hate their mother when she falls into a fit of rage. it's like in the book/movie 'the glass castle', even if Jeannette hated her father for being an alcoholic and an irresponsible person, she still loved her.
but i see my marriage as my personal mistake, that i shouldn't have married her / shouldn't have kids with her / shouldn't have had that many kids with her. whenever she shouts it terrifies me, i fall into a depressive cycle, oversleeping-undersleeping, playing mindless video games for hours, watching porn and jerking off for hours, dreaming about a live that i 'would have' 'if i can just up and go', but for the kids.
in my jurisdiction, the custody gets awarded to the mother, unless there's serious psychiatric condition or drug abuse. i don't think my wife's so bad that a court would grant custody to me. and i do not what that. i want the kids to have a close relationship with their mother.
2 years ago we went to family counseling. the counselor told me to try save the marriage or else if i get divorced i'll have a hard time financially maintaining 2 households. maybe it was the orthodoxy speaking (it was a catholic counseling service after all) but i agree with her. i tried to become more understanding and catering to the wife's needs, but there comes a point when i know that whatever i do it will not be good enough for me to be happy.
i think this is a too good to leave too bad to stay situation. lots of people delay divorces because of the kids, and i'm thinking this maybe me. but then knowing that i'm no longer loved, it's destroying me from the inside. i do not know whether i'm strong enough to stay, even though i think that'll probably be the best thing to do for the kids.
i've read 'what about the kids' by judith wallerstein and she said a better time to divorce is when a kid entered a new school and seemed well adapted. well that'll happen to my youngest 1 1/2 years later. he'll still be pretty young (only 6 years old) but it'll be ok for me to leave. i'm not sure whether i'll seek a divorce at that time but i'll think about it when the time comes.
but what worries me is i can't even stay strong enough for another 1 1/2 years. i know this is killing me, and there's only certain amount of strength one has before the proverbial camel's back gets broken, right?
btw my mother recently died at her 60s, and it makes me think i need to cease life and live a little for myself when i still can. i just don't know how to do it with the interest of the kids at stake.
thanks so much for your kind replys.
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Post by JMX on Jul 9, 2018 22:25:27 GMT -5
nicky - you sound sad. I hope you can find your voice. Is your wife what you might call a “tiger mother”! She sounds demanding. I think - as you say, you probably cannot get them “away” from her completely. She sounds harsh but not abusive. In divorce, you could show them a loving and gentle side they don’t get to experience at home with you in it. You have acquiesced to her in this. You can set up a different home though! You can help them understand the difference between peace and strife. Good luck to you!
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Post by baza on Jul 9, 2018 22:40:13 GMT -5
There's another school of thought, opposite to 'Judith Wallerstein'. It holds that starting school, changing school, going to college etc is disruptive and stressful enough all by itself - without ones family base undergoing re-organisation - and is thus is a worse option. Take your pick of the two differing views. Meantime, it would appear that you have been getting your legal advice etc off the firm "Facebook Friends & Family" and that organisation is NOT reknown for its' accuracy. Seeing a real lawyer in your jurisdiction still seems like the smart play. You would at least have the facts in front of you, and know what is possible and what are the non-starters. What you end up deciding in light of the facts is of course, another matter, but you sure as shit in no position to be doing anything until you've got some facts to work with. Yours might be a case where some personal counselling - just for you - may have a bit going for it Brother nicky . It could help you get your head around these multiple issues you are trying to negotiate your way through.
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nicky
Junior Member
Posts: 36
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Post by nicky on Jul 9, 2018 23:20:11 GMT -5
thx jmx and baza. i've not though of myself as sad. i though i was 'pragmatic' or 'conflicted' or 'passive aggressive' or 'avoidant', but not as sad, as if my own personal happiness didn't matter. but yes, i'm sad. it's so sad to realize what my wife and i had in mind for a good marriage were different, that our dreams are unachievable, that our marriage is dying, or died, and whatever we do will not be good enough to save it.
or it is?
i keep thinking if i do this one more little thing or make this one more little sacrifice our marriage will work, not 100%, but at least functional enough for me to stay.
and yes she's a tiger mum. our kids go to this private kindergarten where the city's richest go to, and the two questions my wife asked me shortly my kids started were 'why do we not have 2 maids?' and 'why do we not have a driver?'. I'm not rich myself, but i work in a well paying professional job and was financially sufficient before marriage. I'm financially straining now but that's not the main reason for my sadness. the sadness comes, i guess, in knowing that i'm not loved and respected in this marriage, and that whatever more i do, it'll not be good enough, for a tigress always wants more for her cubs.
maybe my kids need more time to adapt after starting new schools. that'll make my time frame longer than 1 1/2 years... so maybe i will feel safe to leave them only after 2 to 3 years. which makes me feel even sadder.
as to paid legal advice from lawyers and personal counseling, i've tried them already... but i need to want to leave first. i guess i want to stay until at least my kids settle at the new schools, but now i feel difficult finding the strength to carry on, since my mum passed away 4 months ago. my work suffers of course, i was already stressed bringing in ever more money from work, but i feel if i'm going to get divorced anyway, why try? why bother?
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Post by baza on Jul 9, 2018 23:44:22 GMT -5
It appears that your (once healthy) financial situation is now on the same downward trajectory as your marriage Brother nicky . You mention having seen a lawyer, what did they recommend to you ? What options did they lay out for you to consider ?
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 10, 2018 6:56:57 GMT -5
“my wife is like super nervous and a ragaholic. yesterday she shouted at the maid for 2 hours for giving my daughter lunch slightly late. ”
That is bat shit crazy behavior that no matter what you say is affecting the whole family.
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Post by nyctos on Jul 10, 2018 7:24:52 GMT -5
and yes she's a tiger mum. our kids go to this private kindergarten where the city's richest go to, and the two questions my wife asked me shortly my kids started were 'why do we not have 2 maids?' and ' it'll not be good enough, for a tigress always wants more for her cubs. i was already stressed bringing in ever more money from work, That tiger mum mentality is going to have enormous impact on the cubs, also. She'll soon be asking them why they don't have the highest GPA in the grade, why they're not studying until midnight, etc. And, if your w is like mine, she won't be censoring her thoughts either. If you have an opportunity, get them diagnosed with a learning disability, regardless of whether you think they actually have one or whether you stay with her or not. It will help keep her in protective mode rather than slavedriver mode. At least with them.
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okiedude
Junior Member
Learning to live with my Situation.
Posts: 87
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by okiedude on Jul 10, 2018 8:04:46 GMT -5
....... i keep thinking if i do this one more little thing or make this one more little sacrifice our marriage will work, not 100%, but at least functional enough for me to stay. ......I'm financially straining now but that's not the main reason for my sadness. the sadness comes, i guess, in knowing that i'm not loved and respected in this marriage, and that whatever more i do, it'll not be good enough, for a tigress always wants more for her cubs. I did this and it did not help, and I feel we love each other, we just lack intamacy. Bought a new hose to make her happy, put in a swimming pool to make her happy. Cars, trips, things... You need to make you happy. One of my favorite phrases: the difference between rich and poor is not how much money you make, it is how much money you spend. You are the head of the house, act like it and take back some control for yourself. She won't change because of something you do she will only change for herself. Same for you. Love your kids, and if you are staying for them right now make them your priority. Show them the love you are missing and receive theirs back.
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Post by csl on Jul 10, 2018 10:03:15 GMT -5
Get your phone out when your wife has a rage on and record it. Then let professionals, like Child Services see/listen to it. You say that it isn't that bad, that your children recover instantly.
It's possible that you are too close to the trees to see the forest. Someone who is detached from the situation should be able to make a more even-handed judgment of the way in which your wife treats the children.
As to the other stuff, maids, drivers, etc., it seems to me that she is in competition with the other parents, wanting to be "as good as" they are. She won't be happy until she gets the goods. You and the kids are merely accessories to the life she wants to live.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Jul 10, 2018 10:31:49 GMT -5
nicky, a couple of things to consider... What was your wife’s behavior/personality like before having children? If there was a personality shift after having kids she might have something organic going on. Your kids have come to see their mother’s behavior as “normal”, when in fact it isn’t normal or loving. That is going to cause some problems for them down the road even if they seem fine now. Is the behavior she is modeling—and your response to it—something that you want them to learn? It is hard to be objective when you are in the middle of things. Your wife’s behavior is causing you to shut down and tune out in an effort to cope. Based on what you’ve said here, you are grasping for anything to make things better, anything that will make your wife happy. To me, you sound bewildered, sad, emotionally beaten. You can’t force your wife to change her behavior. But you can work on *you*. What gives you joy? What are your values and priorities? Can you equip yourself with tools and strategies to help you cope better? Have you talked with your kids about how they really feel when their mother yells at them or screams at the maid? They may or may not be able to verbalize their feelings, but my guess is that they don’t feel safe. Some food for thought...
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 10, 2018 11:13:58 GMT -5
Get your phone out when your wife has a rage on and record it. Then let professionals, like Child Services see/listen to it. You say that it isn't that bad, that your children recover instantly. It's possible that you are too close to the trees to see the forest. Someone who is detached from the situation should be able to make a more even-handed judgment of the way in which your wife treats the children. As to the other stuff, maids, drivers, etc., it seems to me that she is in competition with the other parents, wanting to be "as good as" they are. She won't be happy until she gets the goods. You and the kids are merely accessories to the life she wants to live. csi gives stellar advice! I feel I must intervene a little here. DO NOT... I repeat DO NOT get Child Protective services involved!!!! Speak to an attorney, they will tell you the same thing. (Once you have been there, like I once did, you learn very quickly, it's ALL about power, control and money! Kiss your rights goodbye. These people abuse their power to the fullest and get away with it, because it's all about reaching there quota and the money. To HELL with you, your rights and what's best for the family. You will have a huge target on your head because you are a man. Don't go there!!)
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Post by shamwow on Jul 10, 2018 12:21:20 GMT -5
Get rid of the maid. What is she going to do? Yell at you? Not fuck you? Already happening.
She sounds like a spoiled brat. Introduction to the toilet bowl scrubber seems like good therapy for her.
If she wants the maid, let her get a part time job and earn a few bucks for it. It is not your responsibility to cater / enable her flying off the handle.
Edit: Not trying to sound sexist there. I just cleaned all the toilets in the house Saturday.
Edit Edit: Shit, this made me remember I need to vaccum upstairs and finish the laundry.
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