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Post by baza on Jul 10, 2018 21:33:26 GMT -5
apocrypha, dinnaken, drbamboo, filtermachine, itsjustus. Just a handful of names from the membership. All - in my opinion - pretty good blokes, "nice" even.
Being good blokes / "nice" did not preclude them from dissolving their respective ILIASM shitholes and moving on with their lives. And to the best of my knowledge they remained good blokes / "nice" post ILIASM shitholes too.
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Post by snowman12345 on Jul 10, 2018 22:04:45 GMT -5
In a blog post from last year, Sheila Wray Gregoire (a Christian marriage and sexuality blogger) penned a line that I have riffed off of more than once. She wrote: "We are called to be good. We are not called to be nice." That's worth tattooing somewhere. I am going to speak up right now and state that this was not a request for suggestions. snowman12345 I'm looking at you on this one. There is good and there is evil and there is stupid. Nice can be attached to any one of these. You have to look past the "nice" to find the true core of a person. That's the simplistic, black and white version. There are more than 50 shades of grey.
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nicky
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Post by nicky on Jul 10, 2018 22:29:36 GMT -5
thanks for all your kind replies. i nearly cried when i read them. this is like group therapy dr. irvin yalom envisioned, except accessible from anywhere.
i when my wife yelled at the maid, i just was exhausted. i have limited energy nowadays and i save it for worthy battles, like when my wife yells at the kids (maybe once a month), and when the yelling escalates i need to intervene. as to the maid, i tried talking to the maid to help her go through her duties after the yelling. i am grateful for her service, and she can leave employment when she can't take it any more. it's part of her job to endure the yelling. it's like a psychiatric nurse / hospital staff's job is to deal with crazy. i mean it's just a job for her, right?
we burned through 5 maids (5 maids resigned) in the past 2 years or so. i always tried to give them some hazard money whey they leave and treat them with respect.
so i wasn't being nice. i knew i could intervene anytime i wanted. but it would just trigger a shouting match between my wife and i. i was just conserving energy to prepare when she yells at the kids (that may happen anytime!). and of course i feel like 'walking on eggshells' all the time and almost emotionally depleted.
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nicky
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Post by nicky on Jul 10, 2018 22:37:58 GMT -5
i've always asked what the kids think after they were shouted at by mum. my younger kid (son, 4 yrs old) asked me 'why did you marry her if she shouted at you?' i answered 'when we were dating she shouted a little bit, but i thought she would grow up and the shouting would stop, but then after she grew up the shouting never stopped and the shouting increased so much'. when we started dating she was 20 studying law at university. i was already a lawyer aged 25. i expected her to grow more mature after she graduated and started to work. she was always emotional but the good was way more than the bad in the relationship. and we had regular, weekly sex.
then my son said 'when i grow up i'll not marry anyone who shouts'
my older kid (daughter, 6 years old) always seems to just say 'i don't know', or just 'unhappy' after when i asks her what she feels being shouted at. if i asked her whether it was her fault or mum's own emotional problems that caused the shouting, she would say 'it's mum's own emotion, it's not my fault', as if she understands.
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Jul 10, 2018 22:47:14 GMT -5
i've always asked what the kids think after they were shouted at by mum. my younger kid (son, 4 yrs old) asked me 'why did you marry her if she shouted at you?' i answered him 'when we were dating she shouted a little bit, but i though she would grow up and the shouting would stop, but then after she grew up the shouting never stopped and the shouting increased so much'. when we started dating she was 20 at the time at university. she was studying law. i was already a lawyer aged 25. i expected her to grow more mature after she graduated and started to work. she was always emotional but the good was way more than the bad in the relationship. and we had regular, weekly sex. then my son said 'when i grow up i'll not marry anyone who shouts' my older kid (daughter, 6 years old) always seem to just say 'i don't know', or just 'unhappy' after when i asks her what she feels being shouted at. if i ask her whether it was her fault or mum's own emotional problems that caused the shouting, she would say 'it's mum's own emotion, it's not my fault', as if she understands. While the kids may understand the shouting is all mom to a certain degree, it's also important they know that it's not an appropriate way to express anger to anyone, especially an employee or maid. In the midst of all this, I'm sure it's a difficult emotional battle to fight, but that the learn how to express themselves and their emotions in a healthy way, or they risk becoming like their verbally abusive mother, or worse...the victim of verbal abuse because they're conditioned to it. See? Those $150 therapy sessions are paying off! But really nicky, I can't imagine what it's like trying to fend for yourself, your kids and anyone else in her path too. I hope you find some peace.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 10, 2018 23:28:55 GMT -5
“g. i am grateful for her service, and she can leave employment when she can't take it any more. it's part of her job to endure the yelling. it's like a psychiatric nurse / hospital staff's job is to deal with crazy. i mean it's just a job for her, right?”
I don’t understand your utter callousness at her. It is not easy to get employment. Also she probabably has limited transportation and also has responsibilities to her own household which means she may need to work certain hours or be able to pick up her kids or deliver them to school so would need employment within a certain distance from her home. She also may need a good current reference to change employment.
It is not normal for people to scream at maids, nurses or any other service or domestic workers. For you to think that receiving such behavior is normal and expected as part of her job is naive and callous.
Is being screamed at for 2 hours normal and expected behavior for spouses and children? If you really think that is true then you have a warped idea of what is normal.
Your being exhausted is not a good excuse for your not stepping in and doing all that you could to stop your wife’s cruelty to the maid.
You seem to lack compassion for others as well as a spine. It is impossible for your children to not be negatively affected by such a mom with rage problems. Sadly, you seem very out of touch and passive so are unlikely to mollify the effects or even notice how the dysfunction affects your children.
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nicky
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Post by nicky on Jul 10, 2018 23:37:26 GMT -5
“g. i am grateful for her service, and she can leave employment when she can't take it any more. it's part of her job to endure the yelling. it's like a psychiatric nurse / hospital staff's job is to deal with crazy. i mean it's just a job for her, right?” I don’t understand your utter callousness at her. It is not easy to get employment. Also she probabably has limited transportation and also has responsibilities to her own household which means she may need to work certain hours or be able to pick up her kids or deliver them to school so would need employment within a certain distance from her home. She also may need a good current reference to change employment. It is not normal for people to scream at maids, nurses or any other service or domestic workers. For you to think that receiving such behavior is normal and expected as part of her job is naive and callous. Is being screamed at for 2 hours normal and expected behavior for spouses and children? If you really think that is true then you have a warped idea of what is normal. Your being exhausted is not a good excuse for your not stepping in and doing all that you could to stop your wife’s cruelty to the maid. You seem to lack compassion for others as well as a spine. It is impossible for your children to not be negatively affected by such a mom with rage problems. Sadly, you seem very out of touch and passive so are unlikely to mollify the effects or even notice how the dysfunction affects your children.
i entirely agree, but what can i do now? it's like telling depressed people 'just be happy and go do something you enjoy', well, if they are capable of finding happiness in the first place they won't be depressed! i'm using every bit of my energy to stay in this marriage until it's time to leave. it's not that i don't feel for the maid, i just feel powerless to intervene.
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Post by baza on Jul 10, 2018 23:46:19 GMT -5
Your missus - based on what you written and only on what you have written - appears to be an oxygen thief.
But there seems nothing in train, nothing to impede her continuing on with her bullshit explosive temperament she applies to those with whom she can get away with it.
I would bet good money that she is very different with the other mothers at the elitist kindergarten, and with the authorities there.
And you still yearn for sex with her ?
Wow.
The picture you have painted would have me in a mindset where I wouldn't want to root her with a borrowed dick.
But, I am projecting here, thinking back to my own ILIASM deal as it spiralled into the deck. So apply appropriate discounts.
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nicky
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Post by nicky on Jul 10, 2018 23:56:04 GMT -5
Your missus - based on what you written and only on what you have written - appears to be an oxygen thief. But there seems nothing in train, nothing to impede her continuing on with her bullshit explosive temperament she applies to those with whom she can get away with it. I would bet good money that she is very different with the other mothers at the elitist kindergarten, and with the authorities there. And you still yearn for sex with her ? Wow. The picture you have painted would have me in a mindset where I wouldn't want to root her with a borrowed dick. But, I am projecting here, thinking back to my own ILIASM deal as it spiralled into the deck. So apply appropriate discounts.
In my defence, i find her very physically attractive, even after giving birth to 2 kids. but yes, the emotional roller-coaster's a HUGH put-off isn't it? AND it's such a torture seeing her walking around naked after taking a shower etc.
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Post by ihadalove on Jul 11, 2018 0:05:03 GMT -5
I'm continually amazed at what some people put up with. My w's libido may differ from mine, but she isn't a selfish jerk and isn't terrible to anyone. If she was I'd be long gone. What an easy decision that would be.
Why would you let your wife yell at you, your kids, or the maid?
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Post by ihadalove on Jul 11, 2018 0:09:24 GMT -5
Your missus - based on what you written and only on what you have written - appears to be an oxygen thief. But there seems nothing in train, nothing to impede her continuing on with her bullshit explosive temperament she applies to those with whom she can get away with it. I would bet good money that she is very different with the other mothers at the elitist kindergarten, and with the authorities there. And you still yearn for sex with her ? Wow. The picture you have painted would have me in a mindset where I wouldn't want to root her with a borrowed dick. But, I am projecting here, thinking back to my own ILIASM deal as it spiralled into the deck. So apply appropriate discounts.
In my defence, i find her very physically attractive, even after giving birth to 2 kids. but yes, the emotional roller-coaster's a HUGH put-off isn't it? AND it's such a torture seeing her walking around naked after taking a shower etc.
No sex in over 5 years? Who cares what she looks like, you could look at plenty of women who aren't having sex with you and get the same benefit minus the bad attitude.
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nicky
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Post by nicky on Jul 11, 2018 0:12:35 GMT -5
I'm continually amazed at what some people put up with. My w's libido may differ from mine, but she isn't a selfish jerk and isn't terrible to anyone. If she was I'd be long gone. What an easy decision that would be. Why would you let your wife yell at you, your kids, or the maid? coz there came a time when i felt whatever did or said wouldn't change her. and she generally takes good care of the kids! did i not mention that? she's a good mother 99% of the time! and i feel if i leave now, she'll break down and i won't be close to protect the kids. i reason with myself that i should stay until they kids adapt to the new schools (about 2 years later), before they can be mature enough to maybe become reasonably well adjusted to the divorce.
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Post by ihadalove on Jul 11, 2018 0:16:58 GMT -5
You should reexamine closely how good she is with the kids (or in general). If her temper is what you describe there is probably more to this than bad behavior 1% of the time. Your kids would be fine spending less time with a verbally abusive mother, better off even. And yes, she is abusive.
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Jul 11, 2018 0:21:39 GMT -5
I'm continually amazed at what some people put up with. My w's libido may differ from mine, but she isn't a selfish jerk and isn't terrible to anyone. If she was I'd be long gone. What an easy decision that would be. Why would you let your wife yell at you, your kids, or the maid? coz there came a time when i felt whatever did or said wouldn't change her. and she generally takes good care of the kids! did i not mention that? she's a good mother 99% of the time! and i feel if i leave now, she'll break down and i won't be close to protect the kids. i reason with myself that i should stay until they kids adapt to the new schools (about 2 years later), before they can be mature enough to maybe become reasonably well adjusted to the divorce. There will never be a “good” age for the kids. My parents divorced when I was 6 years old, and I’m a well adjusted, happy adult (save my SM). I wouldn’t wish their marriage had continued, especially knowing them both now as adults. You say you want to stay to protect them but that she’s a good mother 99% of the time. Am I missing something?
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nicky
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Post by nicky on Jul 11, 2018 1:03:34 GMT -5
coz there came a time when i felt whatever did or said wouldn't change her. and she generally takes good care of the kids! did i not mention that? she's a good mother 99% of the time! and i feel if i leave now, she'll break down and i won't be close to protect the kids. i reason with myself that i should stay until they kids adapt to the new schools (about 2 years later), before they can be mature enough to maybe become reasonably well adjusted to the divorce. There will never be a “good” age for the kids. My parents divorced when I was 6 years old, and I’m a well adjusted, happy adult (save my SM). I wouldn’t wish their marriage had continued, especially knowing them both now as adults. You say you want to stay to protect them but that she’s a good mother 99% of the time. Am I missing something? yes i think she takes good care of the kids when she's emotionally stable, like 99% of the time. but from time to time (about once every month) she looses it (usually once every month during the week before her period) and would shout at the kids for something minor (like not doing homework). i try to be there to pull the kid away / step in between / talk to the kids afterwards about how they feel.
the kids are about to get out of kindergarten. it's harder now for me to leave now, since i don't know which school they'll go to 1 year later, and where i should live after divorce that's most convenient. i also think the kids need time to adapt to their schools. i think i still have it in me to endure the emotional abuses for 2 more years (i've already endured the abuses for at least 5 1/2 years). but it's hard.
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