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Post by baza on Jul 11, 2018 2:58:54 GMT -5
The balance of evidence in the membership here is that - as you say Brother nicky - " it's harder now for me to leave now". And your kids are of kindergarten age. It doesn't get any easier at school age. It doesn't get any easier at high school age. Nor does it get any easier at college age. In short, it just doesn't get any easier, full stop. If you are going to wait until the situation gets 'easier'you are going to be waiting indefinitely (and, I ought add, "waiting indefinitely" is a perfectly valid choice, but if you are going to choose this course, there's not much point in taking your spouses inventory in the meantime. If you are staying, it is on YOU to own that choice, and live it)
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nicky
Junior Member
Posts: 36
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Post by nicky on Jul 11, 2018 3:10:11 GMT -5
The balance of evidence in the membership here is that - as you say Brother nicky - " it's harder now for me to leave now". And your kids are of kindergarten age. It doesn't get any easier at school age. It doesn't get any easier at high school age. Nor does it get any easier at college age. In short, it just doesn't get any easier, full stop. If you are going to wait until the situation gets 'easier'you are going to be waiting indefinitely (and, I ought add, "waiting indefinitely" is a perfectly valid choice, but if you are going to choose this course, there's not much point in taking your spouses inventory in the meantime. If you are staying, it is on YOU to own that choice, and live it) Thanks brother baza
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Post by shamwow on Jul 11, 2018 9:17:59 GMT -5
The balance of evidence in the membership here is that - as you say Brother nicky - " it's harder now for me to leave now". And your kids are of kindergarten age. It doesn't get any easier at school age. It doesn't get any easier at high school age. Nor does it get any easier at college age. In short, it just doesn't get any easier, full stop. If you are going to wait until the situation gets 'easier'you are going to be waiting indefinitely (and, I ought add, "waiting indefinitely" is a perfectly valid choice, but if you are going to choose this course, there's not much point in taking your spouses inventory in the meantime. If you are staying, it is on YOU to own that choice, and live it) Thanks brother baza Actually I'd like to chime in on the kids question. I'm probably unique here that ballofconfusion has 4 kids and I have two ranging from 14 to 22 in age. It is our experience that a year out from leaving the 14 year old has had the easiest time followed by the college aged kids. The high school aged ones? Well, God, high school kids have enough drama as it is and a divorce just adds to it. If I coukd have done it over I would have timed the age of the kids around middle school. They are so much more flexible at that age and bounce back better. No idea about elementary school. Just my 2 cents worth in the case of two divorces.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 11, 2018 9:24:12 GMT -5
Chiming in from my own childhood experiences. Middle school was the hardest time of my life due to being shy, awkward and being bullied.,however my parents got along so dreadfully that I begged them to divorce and would have preferred that to continuing to live amidst their turmoil.
I think elementary school kids are more adaptable than kids who are older. Many people with kids that age also move — to new cities due to jobs; to new neighborhoods due to parents getting larger homes to fit growing families. I think young kids are less attached to their friends than they are as middle and high schoolers when friends become their closest relationships. Preschoolers and babies are the most adaptable to moves.
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Post by JMX on Jul 11, 2018 10:00:24 GMT -5
I am with shamwow and @northstarm on this one. I don’t want to be mean, but I hope you think about this important difference. “Nice” seems to be code for weak at best and at worst, a liar. I can’t remember the handle, but there was a guy here once that complained all the time of being such a nice guy and how it got him nowhere. After a dozen or more posts, his idea of nice was being passive or simply polite but his anger was because the women he found attractive, didn’t find him attractive at all. He was a superficial (but courteous!) and vacuous man. There were no depths in how he communicated with women in general. nicky - the fact that your wife is so awful - and a regular bully at that (at once a month, she is more bully than wife - she doesn’t screw you even once a month) and you are still attracted to her - tells me you may have shades of that category as well? Just a stab. A “good man” stands up for others. A “good man” would have put his wife in her place when bullying a maid for something so trite. Not only for the maid’s sake, but for his wife’s sake as well. “Nice guys” are nice to those they want something from, “good guys” do what is right.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 11, 2018 11:12:55 GMT -5
There's actually a book just for this. No More Mr. Nice Guy.
Free internet download too. Probably won't get you laid with your wife but it helps balance the power dynamics.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 11, 2018 11:15:53 GMT -5
His learning to stand up to his wife would help protect his kids and the maid, too. He is fooling himself if he thinks his kids aren’t being hurt by his wife’s explosive temper.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 12, 2018 10:30:08 GMT -5
“i entirely agree, but what can i do now? it's like telling depressed people 'just be happy and go do something you enjoy', well, if they are capable of finding happiness in the first place they won't be depressed! i'm using every bit of my energy to stay in this marriage until it's time to leave. it's not that i don't feel for the maid, i just feel powerless to intervene.”
Go to a psychiatrist and get assessed for the mental health problems you have. If medication is prescribed take it.
If you are in the US where due to insurance restrictions, psychiatrists don’t have time to do psychotherapy, also start seeing a licensed mental health professional for individual therapy.
See a lawyer and find out how you can get out of the marriage with full child custody.
Take control of your finances. If you have been giving your wife full reign in spending start depositing your checks in an account in your name only. Give her enough for reasonable expenses.
Live within your means and expect your wife to pull her weight. Define your means by the type of jobs you and your wife are willing and able to work without exhausting yourselves.This might mean living in a community where your means are similar to others’. If your wife wants two maids etc. let her get a job and pay for them.
Realize that going to an exclusive expensive school does not automatically lead to kids having productive and happy lives. You seem to think that their school is worth their enduring your wife’s rages. Instead, your wife’s behavior is setting the kids up for the same kind of mental and physical problems you are having. Their love for their mother doesn’t make her actions ok. All young kids live their parents even physically abusive ones. The kids think they deserve the anusive behavior.
When your wife rages, vacate the house and take the kids and domestic help with you. Let your wife rage by herself.
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Post by nyctos on Jul 12, 2018 10:48:01 GMT -5
she's emotionally stable, like 99% of the time. but from time to time (about once every month) she looses it (usually once every month during the week before her period) and would shout at the kids for something minor (like not doing homework). i try to be there to pull the kid away / step in between / talk to the kids afterwards about how they feel. Out of curiosity, when she yells at them, what does she say? Keep in mind that kindergarten is NOT when parents typically start yelling at their kids about homework. As they go up in grades, those yelling sessions could become far more frequent. And quite possibly far nastier. She might not threaten physical violence the way elynne has experienced with her H, but she could say things which are just as hurtful. Even if the kids are assured that is not them, it won't protect them entirely. Also, even staying married you won't always be with them or be there to moderate your W. Not that I'm trying to convince you to leave -- divorce will also have an impact on the kids. Just saying that if you stay for them, the reasons to stay for them will likely only get stronger until they're adults.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 12, 2018 10:56:17 GMT -5
“Not that I'm trying to convince you to leave -- divorce will also have an impact on the kids. Just saying that if you stay for them, the reasons to stay for them will likely only get stronger until they're adults.”
His wife is at best verbally abusive to the people in her home. That is good reason to leave and to win a fight for full custody of the kids. Audio or videotaping her rages could help you get custody.
Keep in mind that we don’t know what she does with the kids when he’s not around. She may be physically abusing them in ways that are not visible to him. He may just think his kids are accident prone.
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Post by nyctos on Jul 12, 2018 11:30:58 GMT -5
“Not that I'm trying to convince you to leave -- divorce will also have an impact on the kids. Just saying that if you stay for them, the reasons to stay for them will likely only get stronger until they're adults.” His wife is at best verbally abusive to the people in her home. That is good reason to leave and to win a fight for full custody of the kids. Audio or videotaping her rages could help you get custody. Keep in mind that we don’t know what she does with the kids when he’s not around. She may be physically abusing them in ways that are not visible to him. He may just think his kids are accident prone. It's certainly possible she's physically abusing them as well; nicky would need to judge how likely he thinks that is (and how he could show it's happening). Many men don't have very high hopes of winning child custody, especially with young children. Taping her vitriol might help, but he should talk to a lawyer in his jurisdiction about that. Yelling at your kids isn't illegal per se (which is why I asked what she said during her tirades), and there are a lot of potential defenses she might use (and maybe even a charge of illegal recording). It could get very messy, very quickly.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 12, 2018 12:07:14 GMT -5
I agree it could get messy quickly. However I hope that despite the difficulty of obtaining full custody, he will do everything possible to get it. I also hope he will take the blinders off his eyes. His wife’s behavior is abusive and has to be having a negative effect on the kids. His being “exhausted” is no reason to be passive while his wife verbally abused an employee for 2 hours. His wife’s only exploding once a month (keep in mind he isn’t around all of the time so this is only what he observes) is not ok.
One of my dearest friends had to fight tooth and nail to get full custody of a child her female partner had while they lived together in a committed relationship before gay marriage was legal. The partner was borderline and emotionally and verbally abusive to their child. It took years before my friend got full custody and there were many challenges but she eventually won. Her daughter is now a happily married professional who remains close to my friend whom she regards as her real mom.
I’m concerned that the op seems more worried about not getting sex than about his wife’s abusive behavior.
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nicky
Junior Member
Posts: 36
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Post by nicky on Jul 12, 2018 21:52:21 GMT -5
thx for all ur well intended replys. no she is not physically abusive and i have no reason to believe she is. and my lawyer says there's not enough evidence to get full custody. the best i'll get is 1/2 custody. and i think she's not so bad that my kids are better off living apart from her. i think she still does more good than harm on balance.
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Post by baza on Jul 13, 2018 0:23:49 GMT -5
Suggestion. Take a moment to read the story of Brother johannesfactotum titled "I Think I Need Therapy". It deals with his anger (that unlike your missus, he wants to do something about) and its' effects on his missus and kids. You might, in light of this, have cause to revise your opinion about verbal abuse. Or, you might not. You seem to be of a mind that there exists an "acceptable level" of verbal abuse. I think you are mistaken.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 13, 2018 5:03:47 GMT -5
thx for all ur well intended replys. no she is not physically abusive and i have no reason to believe she is. and my lawyer says there's not enough evidence to get full custody. the best i'll get is 1/2 custody. and i think she's not so bad that my kids are better off living apart from her. i think she still does more good than harm on balance. I'm going to speculate... you and your kids walk on eggshells around your wife. She only goes off the deep end once a month because you are so good at walking on those eggshells. If you stopped walking on eggshells and stood up to her, things would be a lot different. Feel free to tell me I have an overactive imagination.
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