nicky
Junior Member
Posts: 36
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Post by nicky on Jul 19, 2018 5:16:46 GMT -5
....I really miss the BJs :/
I start to forget how BJ feels, like a hazy distant memory, half real and half fantasy.
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Post by time4intimacy on Jul 20, 2018 15:45:54 GMT -5
....I really miss the BJs :/
I start to forget how BJ feels, like a hazy distant memory, half real and half fantasy.
Me Too! I don't remember the last one, but I know it was at least 4 years ago. I am thinking about taking stretching to a whole new horizon so I can self medicate.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 21, 2018 6:36:53 GMT -5
Every time I offer one -- and I am, by the way, excellent at it -- and he says "no thank you," I think of the men in this forum and I want to scream, "Do you know what some men out there would give to be gifted my skills??!!!" Such a waste :/ Ditto. The politeness (“no thank you”) at repeatedly turning down BJs is just so mind-boggling. My STBX was the same. And he truly was just...broken. It was the rejection of BJs that hurt me the most because it was something that would have been purely for his pleasure. For years it made me feel like there must be something so fundamentally WRONG with me for me to not even be able to entice him into wanting THAT from me. Talk about a mindfuck. This is probably why, now, I love giving a BJ even more and found that I missed that more than anything else during my sexless years. But silver lining: my new man will certainly be reaping the benefits of my H’s refusals!
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Post by ihadalove on Jul 21, 2018 6:49:39 GMT -5
Yeah refusing pleasure like that is crazy. I'd go down on my W as much and for as long as she wanted (and I'm good at it!) but the interest just isn't there. I figure a break would be needed eventually but haven't found out.
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kittymox
Junior Member
Just a dandelion
Posts: 32
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by kittymox on Jul 21, 2018 12:19:56 GMT -5
Ditto. The politeness (“no thank you”) at repeatedly turning down BJs is just so mind-boggling. My STBX was the same. And he truly was just...broken. It was the rejection of BJs that hurt me the most because it was something that would have been purely for his pleasure. For years it made me feel like there must be something so fundamentally WRONG with me for me to not even be able to entice him into wanting THAT from me. Talk about a mindfuck. This is probably why, now, I love giving a BJ even more and found that I missed that more than anything else during my sexless years. But silver lining: my new man will certainly be reaping the benefits of my H’s refusals! I offered again last night! My ability to accept the rejection has improved (which took a couple years of intense self work) to the point where now I just accept it with detached bemusement. I told him it might relax him after a stressful day. Then I got his whole spiel about how it's NOT relaxing to people whose brains function on higher levels because they're always whirring away on peripheral concerns, yada yada, implying that only dumb people can be ''in the moment'. I politely explained to him that some people put in years of intense training, learning to shut off all the noise and nonsense from their brains in order to learn to be in the moment and that it doesn't mean they're dumb, it means they're highly skilled. He seemed to accept that and gave it thoughtful consideration. Then more conversation about hypervigilance and risk/reward and over- and under-correcting moderation and blah blah blah, but no BJ. Later I woke up in the middle of the night with his hard dick in my hand and he was gasping and moaning, "YES!" I let go and went back to sleep. This morning I recounted the event to him and said, "If your cock could talk, it would tell you, 'Just shut up and let her blow me FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!" 😁
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Post by saarinista on Jul 22, 2018 0:24:49 GMT -5
Ditto. The politeness (“no thank you”) at repeatedly turning down BJs is just so mind-boggling. My STBX was the same. And he truly was just...broken. It was the rejection of BJs that hurt me the most because it was something that would have been purely for his pleasure. For years it made me feel like there must be something so fundamentally WRONG with me for me to not even be able to entice him into wanting THAT from me. Talk about a mindfuck. This is probably why, now, I love giving a BJ even more and found that I missed that more than anything else during my sexless years. But silver lining: my new man will certainly be reaping the benefits of my H’s refusals! Well at least you got a mindfuck out of your STBX, bless your hearts. My H has "allowed" me to give him 10 or fewer BJs over the course of our 23-ish years together. I was 35 when we met, so I'd had a few guys prior to that tell me that i was good at it. You know, practice makes perfect. Anyway even though my H and I had a lot of PIV sex at the beginning of our relationship/marriage, he never requested a BJ and my movements to position myself for that activity were gently rebuffed. At first I thought, well, he's not ready. But as time went by, I realized he just didn't want them, ever. Soooo...okay. Not a criminal thing to dislike oral sex, but unusual in my experience. I didn't exactly take it as personal rejection, but it wasnt very affirming to have that skill turned down. Maybe subconsciously I did feel rejected. But the real problems started when the PIV sex disappeared, too. That kind of left us with nothing sexually. It's very sad and I'm still not sure what to do about our marriage. I'm realizing, though, that while I care for and love him as a family member, the desire for sex with him is gone. What a trainwreck.
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okiedude
Junior Member
Learning to live with my Situation.
Posts: 87
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by okiedude on Jul 23, 2018 20:07:49 GMT -5
Being in a SM for 18 years myself I can totally relate to what you are going through. In bed with my husband is the loneliest place in the world to me. Most nights I sleep on the couch alone. I could go into a spare room but then he questions why. I always just make the excuse “Oh, I just crashed out watching TV”. I’m not working right now and he goes to bed much earlier then I do. My bed is so comfortable and it’s so nice and cool in the bedroom but just to avoid sleeping with him I “sleep” (not that I get a lot of it. Most nights I don’t sleep at all) on a cramped couch in a hot living room. Every night that I do climb into bed with him the tears eventually start to fall. God this is most every night for me too. My back aches from sleeping on our new couch. I knew I was screwed when I let the old comfortable one go.... Just know you are not alone as many of us are sleeping on that hot lumpy (but very good looking) couch. Wondering why our refuser sleeps like a baby in the next room and not wanting to be in the same room. I tell her the same thing... Crashed, stomach ache, just can't sleep. back hurts... We really should tell the truth: I was extremely frustrated sexually and could not stand hearing you breath.... I was thinking about how I wish I could find a person to be intimate with and, wishing Craigslist was back up..... I was burying money in the back yard so when I leave you I will have some traveling money.... Why do we protect them.... I think about the hundreds of sleepless hours over the last 18-20 years and what a waste of life. I should have been with someone that loved me.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 24, 2018 5:37:55 GMT -5
Being in a SM for 18 years myself I can totally relate to what you are going through. In bed with my husband is the loneliest place in the world to me. Most nights I sleep on the couch alone. I could go into a spare room but then he questions why. I always just make the excuse “Oh, I just crashed out watching TV”. I’m not working right now and he goes to bed much earlier then I do. My bed is so comfortable and it’s so nice and cool in the bedroom but just to avoid sleeping with him I “sleep” (not that I get a lot of it. Most nights I don’t sleep at all) on a cramped couch in a hot living room. Every night that I do climb into bed with him the tears eventually start to fall. God this is most every night for me too. My back aches from sleeping on our new couch. I knew I was screwed when I let the old comfortable one go.... Just know you are not alone as many of us are sleeping on that hot lumpy (but very good looking) couch. Wondering why our refuser sleeps like a baby in the next room and not wanting to be in the same room. I tell her the same thing... Crashed, stomach ache, just can't sleep. back hurts... We really should tell the truth: I was extremely frustrated sexually and could not stand hearing you breath.... I was thinking about how I wish I could find a person to be intimate with and, wishing Craigslist was back up..... I was burying money in the back yard so when I leave you I will have some traveling money.... Why do we protect them.... I think about the hundreds of sleepless hours over the last 18-20 years and what a waste of life. I should have been with someone that loved me. I didn’t “protect” my refuser H. I chose to tell the truth and asked him to sleep in the guest room because it was too hard for me. When he asked to move back into the bedroom a couple months later I said no, as I knew nothing would be changing. You can choose to tell the truth too. Your spouse is the one refusing you. It’s within your power to say that until s/he is prepared to fulfill their end of the marital arrangement they won’t be sleeping in the marital bed. Contentious? Yes. But it certainly would get your point across that you refuse to be okay with the status quo.
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