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Post by csl on Jul 2, 2018 17:32:32 GMT -5
In this state I feel it's possible to slip into a rage. I wanted to break something... even hurt somebody... but thank God I have my weight set down in my basement. In a state of inebriation I went down and worked out so hard I felt like I would pop. I worked out harder than I have in months. That helped alot. My rage subsided and I went outside into the dark and had another drink. I felt like crying. Inside I was sobbing. You've got weights in the basement? You can put a bed down there, too, you know.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 2, 2018 18:05:22 GMT -5
sufferinhubbyI’m sorry for the tough night you had, I was in a sm for 23 years. Why does she get the marriage she wants but you don’t get what you want? I’m assuming you have kids and I know it’s not easy to break up a family. Is playing the divorce card an option to wake her up to the consequences for her poor behavior? Would she be willing to have an open marriage? To be honest you would probably get better quality sex with a fwb. the thing these refusers tend to lack is empathy. If they are getting what they want they don't see a problem. I used to be against the idea of divorce, but the fact is my SM is literally killing me so I have changed my tune and now see it as the inevitable outcome. I have done a wee bit of outsourcing. It was wonderful but unfortunately short lived, but I certainly have an eye out for more and a FWB is definitely what I need right about now. You are so correct they lack empathy and want what they want and don’t understand that marriage is about compromise. They don’t deserve to be married. Marriage is a privilege based on trust, respect and romantic love - without that there’s no marriage. I’m glad to hear that you have outsourced because for me it helped my self esteem so much. Keep looking for a fwb when you least expect things have a way of coming to fruition. I have a fwb for 4 years now and after the first Summer it ended suddenly but 9 months later we reconnected and have kept it up since. So keep looking. I’m glad to hear you haven’t ruled out divorce either because at some point we have to do what is best for ourselves.
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 2, 2018 19:17:53 GMT -5
Several years ago, I built a hobby room in the garage. I got some foam rubber padding and some blankets, and began sleeping down there.
To be fair, I had a rotating shift, so it was easier for me to sleep away from the noise of the kids and the TV. On first shift when I needed my sleep to get up early, my wife stayed up late. On second shift when I got home late my wife was already asleep, and, no, I was not allowed to disturb her slumber. One valid choice to make at that point is, "why bother." I slept better in isolation, did not offend her when I tried to blow a nut, and was not getting anything from her anyway.
If you can figure out how to shoehorn another place to sleep into your house, you will be doing yourself a favor while you figure out what your next move is.
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Post by baza on Jul 2, 2018 20:08:29 GMT -5
You say Brother sufferinhubby , that you had a peaceful 12 months from the time you stopped asking for sex. You will likely get over this blow up you've had, and be able to return to the resentful status quo pretty quickly in a few days. Your problem might be that these 'blow ups' are going to re-occur. Probably more frequently, and more intensely. And your resentment levels are likely to rise exponentially as a result. That will make for a very unpleasant atmosphere. Can a case be made for gathering your legal info, starting on a theoretical exit strategy etc now - whilst there is still some level of goodwill between you - to bring this to an orderly resolution ?
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sufferinhubby
Junior Member
My marriage is not a tragedy. It's more like a romantic comedy without the romance
Posts: 67
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by sufferinhubby on Jul 2, 2018 20:39:47 GMT -5
...Can a case be made for gathering your legal info, starting on a theoretical exit strategy etc now - whilst there is still some level of goodwill between you - to bring this to an orderly resolution ? of couse your words cut to the heart of the matter baza. I am gathering my finances and preparing myself for what's next. So what is next? Me being older... but wiser. Me looking to cut toxic ties and salvage something valuabe from life... with a partner who also knows what is goid in life vs. what is just BS.
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 2, 2018 21:54:30 GMT -5
Married eighteen years. If you are moving that way, move quickly.
In my old state, in which my divorce slowly, painfully, and expensively plods along, at twenty years alimony becomes permanent. They leave a relief valve of "until she remarries or cohabitates," but we know that is just window dressing. If she did not want a full marriage when we were married she is not going to put her monthly paycheck at risk by having another one.
My marriage was 24 years along when we separated. Thirty percent of my paycheck for the rest of my life to end this fraud? That is the price of my freedom? Where do I sign.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jul 2, 2018 22:17:30 GMT -5
..... with a partner who also knows what is goid in life vs. what is just BS. And a partner who knows what a BJ is - and enjoys giving them, as a portion of the whole good life.
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Post by tirefire on Jul 2, 2018 22:20:51 GMT -5
sufferinhubbySorry to hear about your pain. That really sucks and we all understand in one way or another. I hope next time you can skip the alcohol and just head straight to the weights. I've worked out many a frustration in the gym. Be careful not to injure yourself but let it all out. You know, you can always come to this forum any time. I'm sure there are some night owls ready to have your back. Good luck. And you have every right to be pissed off and upset.
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Post by Carol on Jul 3, 2018 4:53:58 GMT -5
Being in a SM for 18 years myself I can totally relate to what you are going through. In bed with my husband is the loneliest place in the world to me. Most nights I sleep on the couch alone. I could go into a spare room but then he questions why. I always just make the excuse “Oh, I just crashed out watching TV”. I’m not working right now and he goes to bed much earlier then I do. My bed is so comfortable and it’s so nice and cool in the bedroom but just to avoid sleeping with him I “sleep” (not that I get a lot of it. Most nights I don’t sleep at all) on a cramped couch in a hot living room. Every night that I do climb into bed with him the tears eventually start to fall. 18 years? You're almost half-way to 40 years. Think you can hold out? 18 years married, 15 sexless. I might as well just become a nun at this point!
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sufferinhubby
Junior Member
My marriage is not a tragedy. It's more like a romantic comedy without the romance
Posts: 67
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by sufferinhubby on Jul 3, 2018 8:15:57 GMT -5
I hope next time you can skip the alcohol and just head straight to the weights. I've worked out many a frustration in the gym. Next time I will hit the weights first. I need to find a more constructive way of dealing with this, and maybe some sort of meditation in order to clear my mind before I work myself into a state. Does anybody here have a healthy way of dealing with nights like this?
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 3, 2018 8:32:37 GMT -5
Allergy meds, and/or aspirin, Ibuprofen, make me sleepy and ease my headaches, and stress, after I have stayed awake past that 11:00pm sleep point and then it's 12:00am, 1:00am, etc..
There is always the comfort and total acceptance from the dog!
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Post by workingonit on Jul 3, 2018 9:03:38 GMT -5
Married eighteen years. If you are moving that way, move quickly. In my old state, in which my divorce slowly, painfully, and expensively plods along, at twenty years alimony becomes permanent. They leave a relief valve of "until she remarries or cohabitates," but we know that is just window dressing. If she did not want a full marriage when we were married she is not going to put her monthly paycheck at risk by having another one. My marriage was 24 years along when we separated. Thirty percent of my paycheck for the rest of my life to end this fraud? That is the price of my freedom? Where do I sign. Really?! For life?!? What if she makes more than you? Or an adequate sum to care for herself. Seems arbitrary. Good for you to have that persepctive.
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Post by workingonit on Jul 3, 2018 9:08:45 GMT -5
I hope next time you can skip the alcohol and just head straight to the weights. I've worked out many a frustration in the gym. Next time I will hit the weights first. I need to find a more constructive way of dealing with this, and maybe some sort of meditation in order to clear my mind before I work myself into a state. Does anybody here have a healthy way of dealing with nights like this? Music, walking, journaling, finding someone online to connect with - or a friend who happens to be awake. A good cry. Sometimes I throw a little tantrum if I am totally alone- punching the couch with my whole upper body while sobbing. I have beat the shit out of some pillows! Getting detailed in my head about my plan for AFTER I am free.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 3, 2018 9:14:15 GMT -5
Married eighteen years. If you are moving that way, move quickly. In my old state, in which my divorce slowly, painfully, and expensively plods along, at twenty years alimony becomes permanent. They leave a relief valve of "until she remarries or cohabitates," but we know that is just window dressing. If she did not want a full marriage when we were married she is not going to put her monthly paycheck at risk by having another one. My marriage was 24 years along when we separated. Thirty percent of my paycheck for the rest of my life to end this fraud? That is the price of my freedom? Where do I sign. Really?! For life?!? What if she makes more than you? Or an adequate sum to care for herself. Seems arbitrary. Good for you to have that persepctive. If she makes more, the tables are turned. ( a whole separate side bar to the equal rights movement) That depends on the judge. Alimony for life is changing too. It varies from state to state. it's becoming "up until the paying spouse reaches retirement age. Judges and attorneys know this and may go for more division of assets and IRA's 401k's etc... In the past year or two the law in Fl. was a marriage of 17 yrs or longer meant life time alimony. It's now 20 yrs.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2018 9:16:03 GMT -5
I'm pretty sure my lawyer said until retirement. For me that's 10 or 11 years. But I hope to come up with a deal ahead of time, if I can "buy out" some or all of the potential alimony by giving her more than half of our assets. At least that's my current thinking.
Also, alimony is usually 1/3 of the difference in incomes, so if she gets a job it would allow me to reduce my payments accordingly.
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