sufferinhubby
Junior Member
My marriage is not a tragedy. It's more like a romantic comedy without the romance
Posts: 67
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by sufferinhubby on Jul 2, 2018 10:51:37 GMT -5
Like many of us, I don't really have anybody in my life to tell this to so if you don't mind I'll just put this here...
Despite me being in a SM for 18 years, I still tried to initiate sex occasionally - until about one year ago when I decided to abandon the whole notion altogther.
Strangely, after "letting go" I found some degree of acceptance and peace. The long sleepless nights that used to plague me had all but vanished. The constant state of frustration and longing began to ease. I very much dislike the notion of bidding farewell to my sex life, but it was a terrible excuse for a sex life anyway and really just a source of pain to me. I am amazed how well I adjusted over this last year.
I don't know what set me off Sunday. I think maybe a combination of the heat and the fact we took the kids to "the pool" where the ladies with their swimsuits and glistening wet bodies definitely awakened my dormant sexual being. That night, as I lay in bed, I felt one of my old sleepless-night episodes coming on.
It followed the usual pattern. It started with the familiar feeling of loneliness and longing, but soon gave way to a level of resentment that made my blood boil too much for sleep. In this state it's impossible to lay next to my wife - blissfully slumbering - never once having lost a minutes sleep stressing over our sexless marriage. I had to get up. I knew I had a long night ahead of me.
I have been through this enough times to know NOT to self-medicate with alcohol. But I was feeling overwhelmed and had to numb this somehow. So at about 2am I started drinking. Like before, all it managed to do was put me in an even worse state.
In this state I feel it's possible to slip into a rage. I wanted to break something... even hurt somebody... but thank God I have my weight set down in my basement. In a state of inebriation I went down and worked out so hard I felt like I would pop. I worked out harder than I have in months. That helped alot. My rage subsided and I went outside into the dark and had another drink. I felt like crying. Inside I was sobbing.
By this time it was about 4:30 am. I had to go to work in a few hours so I went back upstairs to try and sleep but I just laid there awake and shattered next to my wife who blissfully slumbered the night away.
Morning was rough. Too much alcohol. Too little sleep. Shit mood. Mind fried and frazzled at the start an exceptionally shitty Monday at work.
Thank you for reading. Fuck SM.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2018 11:17:17 GMT -5
We've all been there brother.
Hope your day improves.
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Post by workingonit on Jul 2, 2018 12:18:04 GMT -5
So sorry for that horrible night. The way SM destroys the soul is hard for people to understand. We got you though.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 2, 2018 12:37:41 GMT -5
☹️ ((Hugs))
That nightly rejection from my spouse is what led me to ask him to sleep in the spare room moving forward. I couldn’t take it anymore. That implicit rejection even when I wouldn’t overtly initiate something - him sleeping peacefully and me ready to rip my skin off with frustration - was crushing my soul. I had to make it stop.
A few months ago he started hinting around and wanting to rejoin me in the master bed and I said no. And I told him exactly why. I think he was shell-shocked at how strong my feelings were and how negatively affected I was by the lack of sex and affection. (It’s amazing to me how just how little our refusers think about sex.)
Additionally, although I also “let go” of any hope of a satisfying sex life with him, I did not “bid farewell to my sex life”, I just bid farewell to my sex life WITH HIM. I reclaimed my own sexuality through outsourcing and it helped make me realize that leaving this SM was the right thing for me. I wasn’t going to be half a person anymore so I took control of my own needs and desires and am now looking forward to a positive (and sex-positive) future without him.
But I most definitely understand. I hope tonight is much better for you.
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Post by Carol on Jul 2, 2018 12:52:00 GMT -5
Being in a SM for 18 years myself I can totally relate to what you are going through. In bed with my husband is the loneliest place in the world to me. Most nights I sleep on the couch alone. I could go into a spare room but then he questions why. I always just make the excuse “Oh, I just crashed out watching TV”. I’m not working right now and he goes to bed much earlier then I do. My bed is so comfortable and it’s so nice and cool in the bedroom but just to avoid sleeping with him I “sleep” (not that I get a lot of it. Most nights I don’t sleep at all) on a cramped couch in a hot living room. Every night that I do climb into bed with him the tears eventually start to fall.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 2, 2018 13:00:04 GMT -5
“I could go into a spare room but then he questions why. I always just make the excuse “Oh, I just crashed out watching Tv.”
Why not tell him the truth? Why not let him know the consequences of his actions?
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2018 13:16:22 GMT -5
My matchmaking Spidey sense is tingling....
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Post by wom360 on Jul 2, 2018 13:36:15 GMT -5
“I could go into a spare room but then he questions why. I always just make the excuse “Oh, I just crashed out watching Tv.” Why not tell him the truth? Why not let him know the consequences of his actions? Exactly. It this kind of coddling, allowing a spouse to be comfortable with ones discomfort that allows these sham marriages to continue without any hope for change.
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Post by Carol on Jul 2, 2018 14:02:56 GMT -5
“I could go into a spare room but then he questions why. I always just make the excuse “Oh, I just crashed out watching Tv.” Why not tell him the truth? Why not let him know the consequences of his actions? My situation is quite different from most as my husband is still quite affectionate with me. Lots of hugs, kisses and l love you’s. We get along well and enjoy each other’s company but we have no sexual contact with each other. We’re trying to overcome that but I don’t know if it’s possible. I really don’t want to hurt him right now.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 2, 2018 14:18:50 GMT -5
You don’t want to hurt him, but you allow him to hurt you every day. Why are his feelings more important than yours? You get hugs and kisses but aren’t those torture when they never lead to sex with the man who vowed to have and hold you? If he loves you like you love him, if you tell him how painful this situation is to you, he will change. If he doesn’t, you will have the evidence to decide if the relationship is worth it because it’s unlikely he will become the sex partner you want.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 2, 2018 15:04:52 GMT -5
“I could go into a spare room but then he questions why. I always just make the excuse “Oh, I just crashed out watching Tv.” Why not tell him the truth? Why not let him know the consequences of his actions? My situation is quite different from most as my husband is still quite affectionate with me. Lots of hugs, kisses and l love you’s. We get along well and enjoy each other’s company but we have no sexual contact with each other. We’re trying to overcome that but I don’t know if it’s possible. I really don’t want to hurt him right now. Have you read the book Mating in Captivity by Ester Perel? I really like her! Maybe it can help as a springboard to start some conversations.
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Post by flashjohn on Jul 2, 2018 15:08:48 GMT -5
How long do you think you can live this way?
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 2, 2018 15:09:33 GMT -5
sufferinhubbyI’m sorry for the tough night you had, I was in a sm for 23 years. Why does she get the marriage she wants but you don’t get what you want? I’m assuming you have kids and I know it’s not easy to break up a family. Is playing the divorce card an option to wake her up to the consequences for her poor behavior? Would she be willing to have an open marriage? To be honest you would probably get better quality sex with a fwb.
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sufferinhubby
Junior Member
My marriage is not a tragedy. It's more like a romantic comedy without the romance
Posts: 67
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by sufferinhubby on Jul 2, 2018 15:56:30 GMT -5
sufferinhubbyI’m sorry for the tough night you had, I was in a sm for 23 years. Why does she get the marriage she wants but you don’t get what you want? I’m assuming you have kids and I know it’s not easy to break up a family. Is playing the divorce card an option to wake her up to the consequences for her poor behavior? Would she be willing to have an open marriage? To be honest you would probably get better quality sex with a fwb. the thing these refusers tend to lack is empathy. If they are getting what they want they don't see a problem. I used to be against the idea of divorce, but the fact is my SM is literally killing me so I have changed my tune and now see it as the inevitable outcome. I have done a wee bit of outsourcing. It was wonderful but unfortunately short lived, but I certainly have an eye out for more and a FWB is definitely what I need right about now.
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Post by csl on Jul 2, 2018 17:30:35 GMT -5
Being in a SM for 18 years myself I can totally relate to what you are going through. In bed with my husband is the loneliest place in the world to me. Most nights I sleep on the couch alone. I could go into a spare room but then he questions why. I always just make the excuse “Oh, I just crashed out watching TV”. I’m not working right now and he goes to bed much earlier then I do. My bed is so comfortable and it’s so nice and cool in the bedroom but just to avoid sleeping with him I “sleep” (not that I get a lot of it. Most nights I don’t sleep at all) on a cramped couch in a hot living room. Every night that I do climb into bed with him the tears eventually start to fall. 18 years? You're almost half-way to 40 years. Think you can hold out?
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