Post by Deleted on May 31, 2018 9:19:45 GMT -5
The dynamic that I've had in the past 20 years or so with my wife has been to always reassure her that I'll always be there for her. Her brain tends to run a mile a minute in all directions and one of the things that attracted her to me is my calm and stability. From previous years of therapy, as I got to understand this, I realized that answering her frustration with being defensive or by arguing back would escalate things, and she can't easily admit she's wrong so I would step back and reassure her that I'm there for her.
During some arguments she would threaten divorce as well, and my answer was always that she is free to do what she wants, but I am not planning on going anywhere.
Over the past few months, however, I have been seriously considering leaving. I've been researching the law and tentatively exploring options.
So when an argument erupted on Monday morning, and my wife threatened divorce, I calmly said that I had no problem with this.
She did what she does - upped the ante, saying she was ready to call the rabbi and a lawyer. I said I'd be happy to be on those phone calls, and that for her information, if she really wanted to get rid of me as soon as possible, I suggested arbitration since all we need to do is split assets (kids are grown) and an expensive court case would end up doing what we could anyway.
She still tried to up the ante, saying that she'd rather go to court and lose anything than let me have half. I said once again that while it sounded a bit strange, I cannot stop her, so she can feel free to go ahead.
The argument went on to other topics as she tried to press some of my buttons. Unfortunately, some of my buttons were pressed and I wasn't as calm as I would have preferred. But after a couple of hours of screaming and then a couple of hours of more calm discussionm she actually said she wanted a "reset" - in her formulation, that when we talk to each other, to ignore the years of baggage that allow every word and facial expression to be misinterpreted. Since I am not ready with my exit plan yet, I agreed - why not? Although I threw in, in a joking way, that if we are resetting our conversations, we should reset the physical as well. She didn't disagree.
She was nice to me over the next day, and we worked well together on some projects. She asked me if there is anything she can do to help me.
I really have no interest in anything physical with her any more. Especially now that I know from outsourcing what real lovemaking feels like. l never had that with her and I never will.
Last night, at 1:30 AM, she asked me if I wanted to come over to cuddle. (We have separate beds in our bedroom. She has almost never come into mine.) I declined, saying I needed to sleep.
Then she asked again, and I asked her back, "Do you want to?" She said yes. So I did; she was wearing pajamas and there was no skin to skin contact, and she turned away from me so I could spoon her. This was the first time we were in the same bed together in about 6 months and the first time she asked me to give her ANYTHING physical in probably years.
At one point I said I need to go to sleep in my bed and she turned over to face me, still without putting her arm around me. Our faces inches apart, but no kisses. I waited a few minutes and then went back to my bed.
I know it is a reset - and a selfish one at that, pretending that she is doing it for me but she is the only one getting any comfort. I don't expect this respite to last. Intellectually, I know that this is her trying to hold on to me. She hasn't apologized for anything she has said or how she acted, except in a couple of very specific examples and not very wholeheartedly. Just as with the arguments where she would bring up divorce, she is feeling vulnerable and is looking for me to reassure her. Last night, in a small way, I did. At least for now I didn't want to take a stand.
But damned if even this tiny, micro-reset that did nothing for me, doesn't make it harder for me to think about divorce.
It is so much easier to think about splitting when you have anger. Being a nice guy it is so much harder to plan to do something that will hurt someone who is acting nice back to you, even a little bit.
(I'm thinking I've been too harsh on elynne, because - this is probably how she thinks all the time.)
It is one thing to know intellectually that the marriage isn't a marriage and it is counterproductive to stay. But it is hard to pull the trigger when the other party is trying and needs you, no matter how pathetically or how bizarrely they show it.
I'm certainly not abandoning my effort to create an exit plan and to execute it. But it is really striking how a tiny bit of sympathy and kindness from the refuser can screw with my head.
During some arguments she would threaten divorce as well, and my answer was always that she is free to do what she wants, but I am not planning on going anywhere.
Over the past few months, however, I have been seriously considering leaving. I've been researching the law and tentatively exploring options.
So when an argument erupted on Monday morning, and my wife threatened divorce, I calmly said that I had no problem with this.
She did what she does - upped the ante, saying she was ready to call the rabbi and a lawyer. I said I'd be happy to be on those phone calls, and that for her information, if she really wanted to get rid of me as soon as possible, I suggested arbitration since all we need to do is split assets (kids are grown) and an expensive court case would end up doing what we could anyway.
She still tried to up the ante, saying that she'd rather go to court and lose anything than let me have half. I said once again that while it sounded a bit strange, I cannot stop her, so she can feel free to go ahead.
The argument went on to other topics as she tried to press some of my buttons. Unfortunately, some of my buttons were pressed and I wasn't as calm as I would have preferred. But after a couple of hours of screaming and then a couple of hours of more calm discussionm she actually said she wanted a "reset" - in her formulation, that when we talk to each other, to ignore the years of baggage that allow every word and facial expression to be misinterpreted. Since I am not ready with my exit plan yet, I agreed - why not? Although I threw in, in a joking way, that if we are resetting our conversations, we should reset the physical as well. She didn't disagree.
She was nice to me over the next day, and we worked well together on some projects. She asked me if there is anything she can do to help me.
I really have no interest in anything physical with her any more. Especially now that I know from outsourcing what real lovemaking feels like. l never had that with her and I never will.
Last night, at 1:30 AM, she asked me if I wanted to come over to cuddle. (We have separate beds in our bedroom. She has almost never come into mine.) I declined, saying I needed to sleep.
Then she asked again, and I asked her back, "Do you want to?" She said yes. So I did; she was wearing pajamas and there was no skin to skin contact, and she turned away from me so I could spoon her. This was the first time we were in the same bed together in about 6 months and the first time she asked me to give her ANYTHING physical in probably years.
At one point I said I need to go to sleep in my bed and she turned over to face me, still without putting her arm around me. Our faces inches apart, but no kisses. I waited a few minutes and then went back to my bed.
I know it is a reset - and a selfish one at that, pretending that she is doing it for me but she is the only one getting any comfort. I don't expect this respite to last. Intellectually, I know that this is her trying to hold on to me. She hasn't apologized for anything she has said or how she acted, except in a couple of very specific examples and not very wholeheartedly. Just as with the arguments where she would bring up divorce, she is feeling vulnerable and is looking for me to reassure her. Last night, in a small way, I did. At least for now I didn't want to take a stand.
But damned if even this tiny, micro-reset that did nothing for me, doesn't make it harder for me to think about divorce.
It is so much easier to think about splitting when you have anger. Being a nice guy it is so much harder to plan to do something that will hurt someone who is acting nice back to you, even a little bit.
(I'm thinking I've been too harsh on elynne, because - this is probably how she thinks all the time.)
It is one thing to know intellectually that the marriage isn't a marriage and it is counterproductive to stay. But it is hard to pull the trigger when the other party is trying and needs you, no matter how pathetically or how bizarrely they show it.
I'm certainly not abandoning my effort to create an exit plan and to execute it. But it is really striking how a tiny bit of sympathy and kindness from the refuser can screw with my head.