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Post by elynne on May 20, 2018 8:59:18 GMT -5
We had a glass of wine together, went to bed. This morning he woke me up with sex. We worked in the garden together most of the day. I asked him if he’d mind if I went to the studio for an hour or so (kind of a trigger point for him if I go to the studio over the weekend. As I was sweeping sand into the bricks of the drive, he reminded me that if I wanted to paint, that I should go. Wow! I'm trying my darnedest to be honest with myself about my emotional reaction upon reading this. I'm finding it hard to define, but it's definitely not happiness. Jungian-shadow integration time: Maybe I'm envious, because you might get the happy ending to your SM story that I didn't get. Maybe I'm bitter and resentful, and can't stand to see anyone in a happy relationship. Maybe I'm jealous, because you seem like an awesome woman, your avatar is really cute, and we're not too far apart in age. Or maybe I'm cringing, because it feels like I'm about to see a momentum-laden train hit a school bus stuck at a railroad crossing. I can't articulate precisely why, but my less-than-conscious pattern matchers are surely blowing a loud whistle of warning. I hope I'm wrong, because I really do want the best for you. I’m uneasy too. But somehow, being out of conflict mode allows me to reassess the relationship and his behavior more dispassionately, maybe more objectively and with all of the knowledge about relationships and communication that I’ve been gathering over this past 10 months. I don’t trust my memory. I know that sounds nuts. There are certain things I’m certain about, but what if I’m rewriting things in my mind to fit with my version of the truth? Don’t we all do that to some degree? Is it possible that I’ve destroyed a perfectly good marriage with my expectations, baggage from my childhood, or my issues that influence my behavior or my interpretation of his behavior? I don’t know. I think individual therapy will help me at least sort out what remains of my family of origin issues. And hopefully give me a bit more clarity when looking at my relationship with h. I’d love to meet with our couples therapist without h, and get her honest low down take on what the actual issues are and why we struggle so much. She won’t do it. Refuses to talk with one of us without the other. But that would be useful info. Yeah. I may be prolonging the inevitable, I may be setting myself up for a world of hurt, but h is beginning to talk to me with a bit more trust. Talking to me about an upcoming business meeting, asking my opinion. That gives me a sense of being respected and valued. That’s treating me like a partner. Those are things that I require in my marriage.
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Post by tirefire on May 20, 2018 9:46:10 GMT -5
We are all scared for you but hopeful as well. We'd love to see things work out for you. I really hope they do. Hang in there either way. TF
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Post by choosinghappy on May 20, 2018 12:11:11 GMT -5
elynne If you don’t trust your memory I suggest reading back through your posts here. I think it will refresh your memory pretty quick on why you were planning for a divorce.
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Post by northstarmom on May 20, 2018 12:45:39 GMT -5
I agree with lonelywifey. Read your posts to see why you wanted out of your marriage and to also remind you of what kind of man your husband is.
And do talk in depth with your therapist about your plan to forgo more legal advice and to instead act like your husband is trustworthy and dependable. If he were trustworthy you’d have the passwords to your household accounts and wouldn’t have to beg for household money.
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Post by DryCreek on May 20, 2018 13:22:02 GMT -5
elynne, +1 to all the recent replies. On one hand, we really would like for you to realize a turnaround. On the other, we are probably jaded by experience and fear that you are being played, and that you are missing a moment of clarity and warning to prepare your defenses. To quote Einstein, "You cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for war", so I get the idea of not straddling the fence and trying to be all-in for recovery. But leaving yourself in a very weak position when you know disaster could be just over the horizon seems ill-advised. We all hope he's sincere and not just stringing you along while he makes his own preparations. An acid test might be for you to press him on points that make you less dependent on him, like being named on / having direct access to bank accounts. Start sincerely treating you like an equal partner, not just placating you with emotional displays.
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Post by nyartgal on May 20, 2018 20:15:21 GMT -5
I fear this is going to end very badly. I hope I'm wrong.
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Post by elynne on May 21, 2018 10:14:02 GMT -5
I’ve been asking him for emotional support. His mom and step dad came for a bbq. His step dad has been dealing with health issues- and he’s really not doing well, physically and emotionally. It was an unsettling visit. They left before the bbq because his step dad didn’t feel comfortable being away from home.
I was really unsettled after the visit. It was a gorgeous sunny day, the garden was beautiful after all the work we had put in the day before, but we both didn’t feel at ease after the visit. H suggested I play the violin and go to the studio. Two things that are good for my peace of mind. I also asked him for a nice long hug. He gave me a really nice hug, and I talked with him about my unsettled feeling after the visit.
It was nice.
He also mentioned that evening that things seemed to be going better. I joked that whatever he was doing he should keep it up. He said he wasn’t doing anything different. That the changes were a result of my changes.
Don’t know. But the resulting peace is pleasant.
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Post by h on May 21, 2018 11:25:11 GMT -5
So he tells you that the improved atmosphere at home is because you are changing and he's done nothing. He isn't changing his behaviors. He thinks you are changing yours. One possibility is that he is changing and he just doesn't recognize the changes in himself. The other possibility is that he really isn't changing and has convinced you that it's all your fault and due to all the years of emotional abuse you have endured, you are believing it. He may be playing nice just to string you along until his secret financial dealings are finished and then he'll spring a divorce on you.
I hope for your sake that he's actually changing but you still need to get all the account information for yourself and know what is going on. Your motto should be "Trust, but Verify" until you are on equal ground.
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Post by ted on May 21, 2018 11:36:53 GMT -5
[...] He also mentioned that evening that things seemed to be going better. I joked that whatever he was doing he should keep it up. He said he wasn’t doing anything different. That the changes were a result of my changes. Maybe I'm in a pessimistic mood because it's raining today, but that sounds like a gaslighting scene from a dystopian Hitchcock movie, where the smiling, beautiful kidnappers feed their prisoner exquisite food—and lies that her memories of the past were just a dream. If he had any sense, even if he were right, he should have just kept his big mouth shut, smile, and squeeze the hug tighter. Don't go crazy, elynne. You're not crazy.
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Post by Deleted on May 21, 2018 15:04:36 GMT -5
[...] He also mentioned that evening that things seemed to be going better. I joked that whatever he was doing he should keep it up. He said he wasn’t doing anything different. That the changes were a result of my changes. Maybe I'm in a pessimistic mood because it's raining today, but that sounds like a gaslighting scene from a dystopian Hitchcock movie, where the smiling, beautiful kidnappers feed their prisoner exquisite food—and lies that her memories of the past were just a dream. If he had any sense, even if he were right, he should have just kept his big mouth shut, smile, and squeeze the hug tighter. Don't go crazy, elynne . You're not crazy. I hate to bash on someone I don't know but, hey, it's the internet. At a minimum, his answer doesn't recognize that in order to change the dynamic in a couple it requires change in both. At the worst, cue Hitchcock. I'm somewhat conflict averse myself so I understand but don't give up yourself for a little peace.
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Post by northstarmom on May 21, 2018 15:12:03 GMT -5
“It was nice.
He also mentioned that evening that things seemed to be going better. I joked that whatever he was doing he should keep it up. He said he wasn’t doing anything different. That the changes were a result of my changes.
Don’t know. But the resulting peace is pleasant.”
The eye of a hurricane is pleasant, too, but only a foolish or naive person thinks the storm is over. See your lawyer. Get the financial info. Pull your head out of the sand. Protect yourself.
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Post by DryCreek on May 21, 2018 15:19:31 GMT -5
I joked that whatever he was doing he should keep it up. He said he wasn’t doing anything different. That the changes were a result of my changes I'm trying not to look for negative here, but what fool wouldn't take credit and then try to figure out what he'd been doing differently? If he's telling the truth, he isn't making a conscious effort to change. He may be, inadvertently, but not because he's trying to. Or he's such a stubborn ass that he won't admit he's trying because that'd mean you were right. In any of the above cases, it would seem circumstantially triggered and not sincere / long-lasting.
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Post by choosinghappy on May 21, 2018 17:38:38 GMT -5
elynne Any update on that pregnancy test?
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Post by bballgirl on May 21, 2018 18:12:23 GMT -5
I’ve been asking him for emotional support. His mom and step dad came for a bbq. His step dad has been dealing with health issues- and he’s really not doing well, physically and emotionally. It was an unsettling visit. They left before the bbq because his step dad didn’t feel comfortable being away from home. I was really unsettled after the visit. It was a gorgeous sunny day, the garden was beautiful after all the work we had put in the day before, but we both didn’t feel at ease after the visit. H suggested I play the violin and go to the studio. Two things that are good for my peace of mind. I also asked him for a nice long hug. He gave me a really nice hug, and I talked with him about my unsettled feeling after the visit. It was nice. He also mentioned that evening that things seemed to be going better. I joked that whatever he was doing he should keep it up. He said he wasn’t doing anything different. That the changes were a result of my changes. Don’t know. But the resulting peace is pleasant. [ Do you think you have changed or your attitude has changed? My guess is you are still the kind pleasant person you were last week and for the last thirty something years. I would have said that I have not changed either, I'm the same Elynne - what you see is what you get.
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Post by northstarmom on May 21, 2018 19:09:34 GMT -5
Elynne previously wrote: “I already struggle to get him to put money in the joint account for groceries, gas, etc. I have no access to the accounts that he uses to save. There is no way for me to transfer joint assets when I only know the name of the bank - no log in, no password. ”
Ask your husband to put into the joint account what you need. As him for the bank login info. If he follows through, that would be evidence you can trust him. If not, take your head out of the sand and talk to your lawyer again.
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