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Post by jim44444 on May 21, 2018 20:59:36 GMT -5
elynne Any update on that pregnancy test? WTF? Did I miss something in a post? Of all things needed in an SM a pregnancy must be near the bottom of the list. Whenever pregnancy is mentioned in these threads I think of sleeplessknight and his train wreck.
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Post by saarinista on May 22, 2018 3:04:21 GMT -5
I'm reminded of the song "I Know Things Now" from the Sondheim musican "Into the Woods."
For those who haven't seen it, it's a morality tale featuring characters from a plethora of fairy tales, who happen to collide while going through life and learn a thing or 50.
"I Know Things Now" is sung by Little Red Riding Hood after she is rescued from the belly of the wolf by a passing hunter. (She was eaten by the wolf when she went off the path to pick flowers, despite her grandmother's advice not to do so....)
I know things now,
Many valuable things, That I hadn't known before: Do not put your faith In a cape and a hood, They will not protect you The way that they should. And take extra care with starngers, Even flowers have their dangers. And though scary is exciting, Nice is different than good.
Now I know: Don't be scared. Granny is right, Just be prepared.
Isn't it nice to know a lot!.... And a little bit not...
Lots of good advice in these lyrics for all of us. michael watch this on youtube instead of serial killers. Also, don't watch the movie. Watch the Broadway version, preferably with Bernadette Peters.
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Post by elynne on May 22, 2018 3:52:46 GMT -5
elynne Any update on that pregnancy test? Yes! Just late. Must have been stress. That was a huge relief. On a related note, youngest daughter asked h at dinner, what is your biggest wish that hasn’t yet come true. He thought for a second and then said “to have a son.” She asked if he’d rather have a son and a daughter or two daughters and then a son. He replied that first he’d want the two wonderful daughters that he has but he’s also like a little son. I joked with him that we could always kidnap his nephew, but we’d better do it quickly before his parents totally fuck him up. Laughter all around, bullet dodged. There is no way in hell I want a baby. I hate pregnancy, there is no way I’m going back to sleepless nights, breastfeeding, diapers, and having a little creature so dependent on me 24-7 again. The thought of that is an absolute nightmare. I’ve jokingly told him before that if he wants a third child it would have to be with his second wife. Maybe that is an underlying motivation for his wanting a divorce? But if it is a big deal for him, I’d think he’d have discussed with me at some point over the last 9 years since our second child was born.
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Post by h on May 22, 2018 4:17:50 GMT -5
You have already told us about his lack of communication. I think that this is a huge red flag. Look at all the facts together:
He wants a son.
You told him that if he wanted another child that it would be with his second wife.
He tells you in a counseling session that he wants a divorce.
He hides his financial information from you.
No matter what order these events happen in, it points to him preparing to leave. You have to be prepared for this. I wish it wasn't so, but the evidence is piling up that he's not interested in fixing the marriage. All signs point towards exit.
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Post by northstarmom on May 22, 2018 5:28:31 GMT -5
‘On a related note, youngest daughter asked h at dinner, what is your biggest wish that hasn’t yet come true. He thought for a second and then said “to have a son.” She asked if he’d rather have a son and a daughter or two daughters and then a son. He replied that first he’d want the two wonderful daughters that he has but he’s also like a little son. “ You joked about his not being able to attain his greatest wish. You would rather abort than have another child.
He tells you what is in his heart including his plans to divorce and then you ignore his words.
You are incompatible with each other. You insist on ignoring that.
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Post by elynne on May 22, 2018 5:42:38 GMT -5
‘On a related note, youngest daughter asked h at dinner, what is your biggest wish that hasn’t yet come true. He thought for a second and then said “to have a son.” She asked if he’d rather have a son and a daughter or two daughters and then a son. He replied that first he’d want the two wonderful daughters that he has but he’s also like a little son. “ You joked about his not being able to attain his greatest wish. You would rather abort than have another child. He tells you what is in his heart including his plans to divorce and then you ignore his words. You are incompatible with each other. You insist on ignoring that. I guess I should ask him if a third child is a deal breaker for him. I know it is for me. At 45, I’m just getting my momentum back after 11 years of child rearing. A third child is absolutely not an option. If it’s his greatest wish, I don’t want to hold him back, but I would find it selfish. Especially when I’m the one that would bear the brunt of the responsibility and impact of another child. Strange, but a divorce over wanting/not wanting more children is more palatable. I also wonder how much he’d be willing to sacrifice for another child. I’m certain I’m the one who would have to get up for all the night feedings, changing diapers, bathing, doctor’s visits, chained to the house for the next four years. It would break me. I’ve been there, done that, wouldn’t trade the children I now have for the world, but raising another baby? No fuckin’ way! It would be all my costs for his wish. I don’t see any evidence that he would make any sort of sacrifice like that for me. I wonder if a pregnancy now would be a way of making me feel stuck and thus more compliant. I’m reasonable, I’m good natured but I’m not selfless. He won’t convince me that I don’t matter.
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Post by northstarmom on May 22, 2018 6:12:33 GMT -5
‘I guess I should ask him if a third child is a deal breaker for him. I know it is for me. “
It’s a hellluva better response than the joke you made.
Similarly, following up with him and your lawyer on his divorce statement in therapy would be better than continuing to sweep it under the rug.
And a note from reality: you are 45. Even if you agreed to have another child,it’s unlikely to happen. You are at the tail end of your fertility years. Your recent pregnancy scare could be due to perimenopause. Your husband is a doctor and knows full well that to father a son, his best chances would be with a younger woman. You are intelligent and know that, too.
Seems that both of you are dancing around the obvious truth that the marriage is incapable of meeting either of your needs.
Meanwhile, your h is likely proceeding with the steps to obtain a divorce that is unfairly favorable to him.
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Post by WindSister on May 22, 2018 9:12:12 GMT -5
This is all very difficult to read. Maybe it's just my own perception of everything but it seems like Elynne has been lulled to sleep. Makes me sad for you, Elynne.
Your tone, everything, seems different now. You are defending him. You are forgetting all you shared here.
He tells you he hasn't changed, and I agree with H, what fool wouldn't take credit if he was putting the effort in?? So... What has REALLY changed here? From here it seems like all that has changed is you deciding to pretend everything is fine.
I'm not judging you, I've been there. For me it was when I was out dating. I ignored warnings from people here and experienced much more drama and anguish than I needed. Eventually I listened, and things improved.
You have your own path, but, this isn't a stupid bunch, and you are ignoring sound advise.
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Post by DryCreek on May 22, 2018 10:08:49 GMT -5
You have your own path, but, this isn't a stupid bunch, and you are ignoring sound advise. There is an interesting paradox with this forum... on one hand, we will never know all the facts and our perspective is incomplete, so one could rightly diminish the value of replies here. On the other hand, *because* we don't have all the facts, our perspective is a focused, filtered reflection of the poster's own - the facts we do know are only the ones a poster deemed most important to share. With a whole lot of bias added from our own personal experiences. So, when advice isn't palatable, the question is... is it because the respondent's bias isn't useful? Or because the facts shared were tainted? Or because the conclusion is uncomfortable / inconvenient?
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Post by choosinghappy on May 22, 2018 10:19:46 GMT -5
DryCreek I’m going to go with D. All of the Above at differing times. And due to those factors, it makes it very easy for one who may not want to deal with the reality of his or her situation to think “well they don’t REALLY know my situation like *I* do...”, often to their own detriment.
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Post by workingonit on May 22, 2018 10:31:36 GMT -5
DryCreek I think we all have both voices in us: the go and the stay. I think part of how this group ends up working is that the group ends up voicing the person's own "leave" voice for them. That allows them to side wholly with their "stay" voice and push back. This dynamic is known to happen in relationships too where one party ends up taking a stance that allows the other party to strongly take the opposite stance even if in reality they are both conflicted. Of course, you are correct that we can only reflect for the person what they are sharing, from wherever we are at. The hope is that when confronted with that reflection it is helpful. But it is a crap shoot. Some people get mad and leave. Some people open themselves to really seeing. Some people just post hilarious dark humor memes. Whatever works!
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Post by h on May 22, 2018 11:20:50 GMT -5
Just to clarify, I wasn't pushing elynne to file for divorce. I was pointing out that her H has shown many indications that HE will file for divorce. My advice is to be informed and prepared for that event if it comes to pass. I totally understand the desire to stay as I'm currently choosing to stay myself. I'm giving my W the chance to prove to me that she is really going to put effort into our sex life and is interested in my happiness for the long term. Just because I'm choosing to stay for now doesn't mean I can't prepare for the possibility of a future divorce. I'm still hoping that it will work out for the best but I'm also still planning for a rocky future just in case. Go ahead and work on the marriage. Just don't let yourself get blindsided by a completely predictable divorce with tons of red flags.
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Post by northstarmom on May 22, 2018 13:58:34 GMT -5
Elynne, Your husband could be not only moving money to prep for divorce but he also could be setting up things to look like the good guy to your kids and others.
He did say in front of the marriage counselor that he plans to divorce you. Thus, he is doing things in a way - even with a witness - that you can’t claim to be blindsided.
He also has said in front of your kids that his greatest wishbis to have a third child. You have made that clear in front of your kids that you won’t do that. He has thus set up a divorce reason that your kids might understand and blame you for.
As for his recent nice behavior: he could say that since you didn’t disagree about the divorce, there’s nothing to argue about. You both are keeping calm so as to not upset kids as the school year ends.
You aren’t being selfish to not want more kids. You are entitled to have your own values. He’s entitled to want more kids. The life paths that you each want differ so much you aren’t compatible.
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Post by nyartgal on May 22, 2018 16:22:25 GMT -5
Wow, sort of an amazing number of distractions from the central question here: does this guy even want me, and do I want him? Who cares what he said about wanting a son, it's just another rabbit hole to fall down while you chase answers you aren't going to get---unless you start asking the right questions.
So: does he want you, and do you want him?
It doesn't sound like he wants you, from what you have said. He has already mentioned divorce. He hits you on the head. He's not supportive of you as an artist. But who cares what he says, really. All that matters is his actions. And I don't see him doing anything other than passively going along with the therapy, marriage etc to keep you from making any moves. He's got your number, and he knows just how to keep you pliant.
It doesn't sound like you much want him, either. Maybe you want to be married. Maybe you want to keep the status quo. Maybe I missed it, but I dont remember hearing "I love this man with my heart and soul and I'd do anything to keep him!"
Now that I'm in a healthy, happy marriage, I can look at all these scenarios from a different perspective. And this middling level of "I guess I'll stick around a little longer because I don't want to deal with it" is not the sign of a healthy marriage. It's not even the sign of a healthy relationship with the person who cuts your hair!
This kind of suspended animation won't last. A divorce is coming. Get ready for it.
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Post by ihadalove on May 23, 2018 20:10:34 GMT -5
I guess I should ask him if a third child is a deal breaker for him. I know it is for me. Why bother? He's given you a gift. He's told you how he really feels. He doesn't want to sleep with you (or he would). He wants a divorce. He wants another child, and you don't want one. Lawyer up, file and get his assets frozen before you're screwed over. You don't even have to be the bad guy, he already asked for it!
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