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Post by bballgirl on May 17, 2018 19:28:41 GMT -5
I agree elynne must get a grip IMMEDIATELY on the finances, the locations at the accounts, all of that. see a lawyer. woman up. As nyartgal said, the train has left the station. Agreed. elynne... I wish for you a full reconciliation, truly. But the odds are so stacked against this that you really can't take your foot off the pedal. So, I won't say "go file", but engage the lawyer, get the process rolling, understand your next moves, then choose whether to file or sit. Even if you choose to file, that's not final. Heck, even if you divorce that doesn't have to be final, but it might still be a necessary step (a la bballgirl). Give it your full effort with H, but put on your parachute ASAP. Great point and filing will force him to disclose financial statements and freeze his accounts.
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Post by choosinghappy on May 17, 2018 21:08:31 GMT -5
elynne You said that if you divorce and he dates someone new you would pity her. And yet, you still want to try to work things out with him?? Why don’t you afford yourself the same compassion, respect, and high-regard that you would to this fictitious future partner of his?
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Post by elkclan2 on May 18, 2018 0:08:55 GMT -5
Hey - elynne - you need to get out and get a new place sharpish. I'm trying to get my house on the market and my handyman is the fabulous Dutch guy who was highly complimentary of my orange crocs*. (My uni colors. I have a lot of orange!) - he told me I HAVE to get to King's Day and I said - oh the tulips are in bloom then, too - and he went all Dutch patriotic and showed me pictures of Kings Day and him and his husband in fields of tulips. He said I have to go next year. Even as a child I wanted to see the tulips in bloom in Holland. Truth is we're moving and there will be lots of house expenses and then saving for a wedding, so I can't afford hotels. So you need to get a place so I can pop over. :-) _________ they aren't worn out of the house, they're actually too big for me - and my partner treats them like common property - he wears them all the time to do stuff in the garden or take out the trash.
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Post by ted on May 18, 2018 0:59:16 GMT -5
Wait... wat? We start with all you've said for the several months you've been here. He won't make changes and is unreceptive to your concerns, always managing to turn the tables back on you. You focus on yourself, you grow, and your resolve builds towards initiating a divorce. You dread yet another perfunctory counseling session, because you know he's just going to turn it on you, and you know the divorce plan you're harboring. Then he totally upends the plot by initiating the divorce himself! So in response you... desperately try to stop him by collaborating on a list of all the ways this bad marriage is your fault, and promise to change for him?! elynne , when I was in your shoes, too close to my situation to interpret it, others saw it more clearly. Even when I was saying "but you don't know my life---it's different," I was glad to have their interpretations; because they were articulating what I knew somehow, deep-down, but was too afraid to admit. Many people in this thread are telling you similar things. Maybe I'm wrong, but we're probably not all wrong simultaneously. His crying, his tenderness that night in bed: He's just sad; divorce is a big deal for him too. It's hitting him hard now that he's initiated it. It's not any sort of indication that he's changed or is changing; he's simply working through the emotions of divorce and loss the same as you are. Your sudden reversal and throwing yourself at his feet: that's classic too. You're sad, tender, and scared about this big deal. You've been thinking about it for a while; your emotions are primed. His announcement was a shock. Your natural instinct is to avert the pain somehow, immediately, at any cost. But nothing's materially changed. There are no new facts to invalidate your thoughtful analysis, made over years. The steady-state of your marriage speaks for itself (and will return soon enough). Taking the steps towards divorce and a new life is scary, whether it's you or him initiating. You will want to backtrack to calm the fear and avoid the pain. Don't mistake that for love, change, or a sign you were on the wrong track. Protect yourself, elynne . Enlist all the help you can. You're in a vulnerable position, and I'm worried about you. You're going to make your pain worse if you base your actions on your fantasies rather than on reality, especially if he doesn't make the same mistake.
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Post by elynne on May 18, 2018 1:47:41 GMT -5
Hey - elynne - you need to get out and get a new place sharpish. I'm trying to get my house on the market and my handyman is the fabulous Dutch guy who was highly complimentary of my orange crocs*. (My uni colors. I have a lot of orange!) - he told me I HAVE to get to King's Day and I said - oh the tulips are in bloom then, too - and he went all Dutch patriotic and showed me pictures of Kings Day and him and his husband in fields of tulips. He said I have to go next year. Even as a child I wanted to see the tulips in bloom in Holland. Truth is we're moving and there will be lots of house expenses and then saving for a wedding, so I can't afford hotels. So you need to get a place so I can pop over. :-) _________ they aren't worn out of the house, they're actually too big for me - and my partner treats them like common property - he wears them all the time to do stuff in the garden or take out the trash. I actually own yellow wooden clogs! And even if H and I are still going through the process of working things out, you can always stay in the guest house! The first time I flew into the Netherlands it was Spring. The plane approached from the direction of the North Sea and flew over the tulip fields. From the air it looked like a patchwork quilt, a block of red, rectangles of pink, yellow, white, purple.
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Post by james on May 18, 2018 2:49:00 GMT -5
Sending you strength and courage at this difficult time, elynne . Just hang in there (I don't mean the marriage), you'll be ok. Hugs james .
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Post by bballgirl on May 18, 2018 16:39:29 GMT -5
elynne You said that if you divorce and he dates someone new you would pity her. And yet, you still want to try to work things out with him?? Why don’t you afford yourself the same compassion, respect, and high-regard that you would to this fictitious future partner of his? Great point! elynne something that I remember thinking was I would NEVER want my daughter to marry someone like my exH and I stand by that to this day! Well I'm someone's daughter and I deserved better so I divorced his ass. You deserve better too! You are someone's daughter.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 19, 2018 0:35:27 GMT -5
How did things go for you at the birthday party? Was H anywhere around?
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Post by elynne on May 19, 2018 11:26:43 GMT -5
How did things go for you at the birthday party? Was H anywhere around? The party was a blast. The kids had a great time. H and I had fun too. We had a glass of wine together, went to bed. This morning he woke me up with sex. We worked in the garden together most of the day. I asked him if he’d mind if I went to the studio for an hour or so (kind of a trigger point for him if I go to the studio over the weekend. As I was sweeping sand into the bricks of the drive, he reminded me that if I wanted to paint, that I should go. Wow! Meeting the kids and h at a local pizza place in 15 minutes. It’s been one of the nicer days we’ve had together in a long time. We also had a really interesting conversation today. We’re renting a big house in New England for 4 families (all old friend of h) in August. I had done done research and posted a few options for the group. He and one of the friends had a devious plan to choose one of the houses they preferred. H’s friend posted his preference. N replied to the group app, saying great idea, let’s go with that option. I said to h, you know, you could have also posted, K and I are both spending over 4,000 on tickets to fly to the US, we’d prefer the less expensive house on the lake. H said, yes but K&M want a more luxurious house. He might say, well we could pay more towards the house and then we’d get the house we prefer. I said, and wouldn’t that be ok? That K also gets what she wants? If you’re open and honest, instead of devious, put everything on the table, then everyone has a chance to get what’s important to them. He said, huh, that’s a good point. I praised him - told him I was proud of him for acknowledging another point of view. I didn’t draw the parallels between this situation and how he deals with me. But I’ll continue to point out these sorts of things. He may still learn. Got to run to dinner.
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Post by northstarmom on May 19, 2018 12:35:47 GMT -5
“We had a glass of wine together, went to bed. This morning he woke me up with sex. We worked in the garden together most of the day. I asked him if he’d mind if I went to the studio for an hour or so (kind of a trigger point for him if I go to the studio over the weekend. As I was sweeping sand into the bricks of the drive, he reminded me that if I wanted to paint, that I should go. Wow! ”
Your husband said in therapy that he plans to divorce you. Do not be fooled by his sudden kindness. He may have realized that he should not have tipped you off because you may then lawyer up and prevent him from hiding more money, etc.
Treat him as if you have forgotten what he said in therapy. Let him think you are falling for his manipulation. Meanwhile, talk to your lawyer, get the bank statements, line up your parents’ financial help. Protect yourself.
Your husband is not trustworthy. He is abusive, narcissistic and manipulative. In choosing to ignore all of the red flags and warnings you are treating your dire situation with the kind of denial Littlelamb has about her marriage. You expressed concern about her denial of her peril. Be concerned about yourself.
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Post by hopingforachange on May 19, 2018 17:00:26 GMT -5
Have you gotten statement for all of the accounts for the past year? I suspect he's playing a really good reset/poker game and needs more time to set everything up to leave your destitute.
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Post by saarinista on May 19, 2018 18:00:16 GMT -5
“We had a glass of wine together, went to bed. This morning he woke me up with sex. We worked in the garden together most of the day. I asked him if he’d mind if I went to the studio for an hour or so (kind of a trigger point for him if I go to the studio over the weekend. As I was sweeping sand into the bricks of the drive, he reminded me that if I wanted to paint, that I should go. Wow! ” Your husband said in therapy that he plans to divorce you. Do not be fooled by his sudden kindness. He may have realized that he should not have tipped you off because you may then lawyer up and prevent him from hiding more money, etc. Treat him as if you have forgotten what he said in therapy. Let him think you are falling for his manipulation. Meanwhile, talk to your lawyer, get the bank statements, line up your parents’ financial help. Protect yourself. Your husband is not trustworthy. He is abusive, narcissistic and manipulative. In choosing to ignore all of the red flags and warnings you are treating your dire situation with the kind of denial Littlelamb has about her marriage. You expressed concern about her denial of her peril. Be concerned about yourself. Lots of good points here, elynne . The sudden mood switch to nicey nicey is unusual to me. I mean just a few days or so ago he coldly said he was desiring a divorce. Now he suddenly desires wine and sex with you. What gives? The inconsistent behavior alone is odd. - I agree that you should talk to a lawyer and get your bank statements, passwords, account numbers, etc. etc. and a commitment of help from your parents-just in case. By the way, what about your will? Is it up to date? Got one? (Lots of people don't.) If you do, check it out. If you don't...well, I don't know about that. With kids, you need one, but right now might not be the best time to bring it up if you don't have one. Also, power of attorney, health care power of attorney-if you have kids, really ALL of us need that set up. Even if we're single. ist item 1
- Talk to a lawyer! Lots of this preparation will stand you in good stead even if some other disaster befalls your marriage. It's good to have a backup plan.
- And sure, go with the flow if he continues to act contrary to the feelings about divorcing which he recently expressed in therapy. If you want to have sex with him, I say fine. But, but, but. It just seems like a huge flip flop from his longtime previous behavior, and that worries me.
Just be ready to protect yourself. In a divorce, you must protect you and only you in the end. Harsh, but almost always true. Better safe than sorry.
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Post by bballgirl on May 20, 2018 0:49:49 GMT -5
Have you gotten statement for all of the accounts for the past year? I suspect he's playing a really good reset/poker game and needs more time to set everything up to leave your destitute. Good point and I'll be honest - I did this with my divorce too. For about 2-3 weeks I played nice, used his avoidance and denial against him, set up an appointment with a therapist to make him think we were going to work on the marriage, etc. to gather the money to pay the attorney and have him served. Be careful sometimes things are not as they appear. You do not know what is going on in someone else's head. Be prepared not vulnerable.
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Post by ted on May 20, 2018 2:06:21 GMT -5
We had a glass of wine together, went to bed. This morning he woke me up with sex. We worked in the garden together most of the day. I asked him if he’d mind if I went to the studio for an hour or so (kind of a trigger point for him if I go to the studio over the weekend. As I was sweeping sand into the bricks of the drive, he reminded me that if I wanted to paint, that I should go. Wow! I'm trying my darnedest to be honest with myself about my emotional reaction upon reading this. I'm finding it hard to define, but it's definitely not happiness. Jungian-shadow integration time: Maybe I'm envious, because you might get the happy ending to your SM story that I didn't get. Maybe I'm bitter and resentful, and can't stand to see anyone in a happy relationship. Maybe I'm jealous, because you seem like an awesome woman, your avatar is really cute, and we're not too far apart in age. Or maybe I'm cringing, because it feels like I'm about to see a momentum-laden train hit a school bus stuck at a railroad crossing. I can't articulate precisely why, but my less-than-conscious pattern matchers are surely blowing a loud whistle of warning. I hope I'm wrong, because I really do want the best for you.
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Post by choosinghappy on May 20, 2018 5:38:03 GMT -5
ted I’m going with the latter. I am a positive, hopeful person too elynne but my red flag sensors are screaming while reading your last post. As bballgirl said, BE PREPARED, not vulnerable. I think you are leaving yourself much too vulnerable emotionally (but that’s your prerogative), but I really hope you will take every available step you can to put yourself in the best position possible for when he pulls a 180 and you feel blindsided. You’re too smart to fall for this hook, line, and sinker.
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