Post by footballbat on Feb 28, 2018 15:10:46 GMT -5
While I am new to this forum I have been a part of ILIASM since 2009, going back to the EP days. I am still married, and I still struggle with my marriage. I found outsource partner in 2010. She and I came from similar experiences in our marriage. Neither of us wanted a purely sexual relationship. Both of us missed the emotional connection that was lacking in our marriages as much as we missed sex. We just didn’t know it at the time. At the beginning we both committed to a sexual relationship. We established a rule of “No Feelings” or it must end.
“No Feelings almost seems comical in hindsight as it was “feelings” that drove us together. My marriage was always void of emotional intimacy. My SO used sexual rejection as the means to keep us emotionally separate, giving her space she needed to function emotionally. She is an intimacy avoidant personality type. Of course, I didn’t know this at the time we married. Intimacy avoidants tend to hide these things until the turn after they have a committed partner. My outsource partner had dated her SO since her high school and college days. They dated off and on after college until she felt pressure to marry as she entered her late 20s. Her mate detached quickly after their marriage. She had been married two years when we began exchanging emails.
Our affair of “no Feelings” quickly broke down to ‘HUGE FEELINGS”. All the banter of control we expressed early in our thing quickly gave way to the bliss of having an intimate connection, passion and great sex. We still see each other twice a week and have plans to be together permanently. Hopefully that happens.
The point of this long-winded story is, setting out to find an outsource partner is difficult. We do not always understand exactly what our unmet needs are at the time, and what the outcome of finding someone may be. You have already taken “ending your marriage” off the table. I did the same in the beginning. In hindsight, I wish I had just ended my marriage before finding another. Outsourcing is complicated. Imagine your emotions trying to live up to your commitment of staying in your bad deal while being in love with another. That problem alone makes my therapist a wealthy man.
Ultimately, your SO is going to change, or he will not. That decision is not yours to make. You can bitch, moan and cry but if he is happy with the status quo, he probably will not change. Choosing to stay regardless of his inaction shifts that burden to you. Ultimately, you are responsible for your happiness or sadness. It’s your choice!
That’s my two cents……
“No Feelings almost seems comical in hindsight as it was “feelings” that drove us together. My marriage was always void of emotional intimacy. My SO used sexual rejection as the means to keep us emotionally separate, giving her space she needed to function emotionally. She is an intimacy avoidant personality type. Of course, I didn’t know this at the time we married. Intimacy avoidants tend to hide these things until the turn after they have a committed partner. My outsource partner had dated her SO since her high school and college days. They dated off and on after college until she felt pressure to marry as she entered her late 20s. Her mate detached quickly after their marriage. She had been married two years when we began exchanging emails.
Our affair of “no Feelings” quickly broke down to ‘HUGE FEELINGS”. All the banter of control we expressed early in our thing quickly gave way to the bliss of having an intimate connection, passion and great sex. We still see each other twice a week and have plans to be together permanently. Hopefully that happens.
The point of this long-winded story is, setting out to find an outsource partner is difficult. We do not always understand exactly what our unmet needs are at the time, and what the outcome of finding someone may be. You have already taken “ending your marriage” off the table. I did the same in the beginning. In hindsight, I wish I had just ended my marriage before finding another. Outsourcing is complicated. Imagine your emotions trying to live up to your commitment of staying in your bad deal while being in love with another. That problem alone makes my therapist a wealthy man.
Ultimately, your SO is going to change, or he will not. That decision is not yours to make. You can bitch, moan and cry but if he is happy with the status quo, he probably will not change. Choosing to stay regardless of his inaction shifts that burden to you. Ultimately, you are responsible for your happiness or sadness. It’s your choice!
That’s my two cents……