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Post by lwoetin on Feb 14, 2018 21:36:11 GMT -5
I like your letter. Especially the ending, whether you are serious or not. Once I told my wife I joined a dating site, though I didn't care to do much. I wanted to get a response to gauge her feelings. It's like probing with a digital multimeter. Thank you,and the ending is dead serious. I am fucking someone else before the month is over. I didn't read your previous threads until now. Ok, you are serious.
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Post by tiredoftears on Feb 14, 2018 21:43:54 GMT -5
What is the aim of this letter ? What are you expecting as an outcome ? If it is simply a vent, then fair enough. If I was the recipient of this letter, I dunno what I'd make of it - but the bit where it says - "I'll never leave you" is the bit that I'd hang my hat on. If I had been starting to get a bit worried as the letter unfolded, that bit would re-assure me. I think the aim of this letter is saying, "It has been two years without sex. That has genuinely hurt me. And I apologize if it hurts you that I need to start fucking someone else, that is not the intent. The intent is to do what you won't. I have needs.
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Post by baza on Feb 14, 2018 21:53:35 GMT -5
What is the aim of this letter ? What are you expecting as an outcome ? If it is simply a vent, then fair enough. If I was the recipient of this letter, I dunno what I'd make of it - but the bit where it says - "I'll never leave you" is the bit that I'd hang my hat on. If I had been starting to get a bit worried as the letter unfolded, that bit would re-assure me. I think the aim of this letter is saying, "It has been two years without sex. That has genuinely hurt me. And I apologize if it hurts you that I need to start fucking someone else, that is not the intent. The intent is to do what you won't. I have needs. In that event, you can just go out and fuck someone. He doesn't warrant any further consideration / warning (he has had several warnings already) That makes 'the letter' pretty much optional. Send it if you want, or don't. Just occurs to me..... Your position is that you will not leave him. Is there some agenda running here whereby you are trying to engineer a situation where he leaves you ? The letter might kick start the deal down that road if that's what you want.
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Post by obobfla on Feb 14, 2018 22:02:49 GMT -5
What is the aim of this letter ? What are you expecting as an outcome ? If it is simply a vent, then fair enough. If I was the recipient of this letter, I dunno what I'd make of it - but the bit where it says - "I'll never leave you" is the bit that I'd hang my hat on. If I had been starting to get a bit worried as the letter unfolded, that bit would re-assure me. I think the aim of this letter is saying, "It has been two years without sex. That has genuinely hurt me. And I apologize if it hurts you that I need to start fucking someone else, that is not the intent. The intent is to do what you won't. I have needs. The only thing I don’t get is the apology. Why say “I’m sorry”? You are the one who is hurt. Go fuck someone else and don’t apologize for it.
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Post by wom360 on Feb 15, 2018 1:03:01 GMT -5
The letter seems like a fine vent. You wrote it, now you can toss it. Letters like this are a bad idea 100% of the time.
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Post by lwoetin on Feb 15, 2018 1:50:44 GMT -5
Does he love you, does he care about you? Is he a good father, is he staying in a relationship because of your son?
I'm not sure that the threat at the end of the letter will be effective. He was a client for three years so he was ok with you seeing others.
Now that you've stopped drinking, smoking, work as escort, I would think that would lead to a deeper relationship involving only you and him. But he has to want a relationship with you. Even before dealing whether he wants to have sex, does he want you? If not, find someone else who will love you. You deserve love.
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Post by tamara68 on Feb 15, 2018 2:59:52 GMT -5
I don't get the list of apologies. I can't believe you actually mean what you say.are you really sorry for wanting sex with him? I don't think so.
Anyway you have no reason to apologise to HIM. I'd like to read those apologies as noted to Yourself. As regrets. But if you send this letter he is going to feel like he can expect from you to put up with him even if he is a lame useless housemate.
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Post by tiredoftears on Feb 27, 2018 12:01:08 GMT -5
This is going to be long...
Well, we went to the counselors offive yesterday, and it went about as expected. Two weeks ago, at our last session, she told him he needed to write out an apology letter to me for the last two years of intimate rejection, because I have a lot of resentmemt built up around these last two years. It's been very painful for me.
I know he is somewhere on the spectrum, I would think almost anyone that has seen Autism could spot the signs in him, but I have been very patient, and I have my own needs. He is very similar to Sheldon in many ways, they share a near obsession in trains, only instead of string theory he knows cars, and planes, and tons of random details. Hhe is extremely intelligent, but very emotionally deficient, in intimate relationships anyway.
He chose not to make any time in the last two weeks to write the apology letter, even though I reminded him about it last weekend. He is the type of person that if he knows he needs to do something, he usually does it immediately.
His excuse was that he is not a good writer like I am. Nor can he TALK about matters like this very well. So if talking about it is too difficult, and writing it out is too difficult, then it is just too difficult for him to try to repair our situation at this time.
The counselor and I recommended he see a sex therapist. He has some emotional hangups due to his ex wife, true, but he has shown an unwillingness to get outside of his comfort zone and work through those problems. We also believe that due to his excessive porn use in the past, and lack of real relationships(his ex wife was his only actual relationshio before me, and it was a very unhealthy one, she uses him just to become a citizen and only had sex with him a few times while they were married, and she would stay gone for days getting wasted sleeping with other men) that it has warped his idea of what a relationship should be like.
The statement that made this the most clear, was when I asked him why he said I took a long time to cum. I asked him to give me an estimate in minutes how long this "long time" was. He said five minutes. The counselor then informed him the average woman takes closer to thirty minutes to orgasm, and he needs to fix his idea of "five minutes is too difficult to try".
He is a wonderful man, and I know he thinks he is trying hard, but he needs to try harder. The last few months, he has not done any of the homework the counselor gives us. We go, I vent, he listens, and she gives us assignments to complete. I do, he does not. We go home and everything is back to normal in his mind. Because he is on the spectrum, I have been more than patient, but I have to get my needs met. They have been disregarded for too long.
I explained I am not going to leave him, but I am seeking a side lover, and will be meeting up for munches and such. He said that is fine, if that is what I need, he loves me and he understands.
The rest of the day went well.
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Post by h on Feb 27, 2018 12:13:55 GMT -5
Congratulations on getting him to agree openly about you getting it on the side. That's a huge deal.
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 27, 2018 12:17:38 GMT -5
This is going to be long... ...I explained I am not going to leave him, but I am seeking a side lover, and will be meeting up for munches and such. He said that is fine, if that is what I need, he loves me and he understands. The rest of the day went well. Well done. In the absence of an ideal situation, it sounds like you are on your way to a tolerable one.
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 27, 2018 12:59:38 GMT -5
tiredoftears, his behavior seems very sadly indifferent here. Honestly, it sounds like he endures the counseling sessions because he realizes there will be no consequences if he ignores the homework. You go, you vent, he ignores, life resumes as normal. He lets you spin your wheel. What does he get out of your relationship that he would be so indifferent about a situation that he acknowledges causes you pain but he chooses to ignore? I suppose the same could be asked of you. I tend to think in analogies, and I'm picturing him being OK that your car has a flat tire as long as he can endure your complaints about how poorly the car drives. That's not healthy behavior for either party.
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Post by tiredoftears on Feb 27, 2018 13:23:47 GMT -5
DryCreekI don't think he is indifferent. I think he is "deer in headlights" or better yet, "fainting goat" - knows there is danger but his brain makes him too scared to do anything about it. It is not much of a consequence, since he met me when I was a sex worker and was okay with it then, but I am seeking sex elsewhere, and he has to live with that, and I think he fears his family finding out, because he wants to be seen as "normal". What he gets is I don't leave. He is a very nice and trusting man, whom has done so much to help people in the past, and has almost always gotten screwed over, and as soon as they got what they wanted from him, they left. I too, have had this happen to me many times. Well, I am not going to leave. We are just going to have a differnt dynamic than is socially acceptable. While others may not understand the dynamic, or consider it healthy, we will find what works for us, even if others think it is weird. I love him, he is a good man and a great father, and unlike everyone else in my life that kicked me out and abandoned me, he hasn't. So I can not do that to him. And he really is trying, but at 50 years old with no idea of how to change his crippling notions, I think him agreeing to allow me to seek what I need elsewhere while he stays home with the baby is the best option for now. I am content with that.
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Post by lwoetin on Feb 27, 2018 13:57:53 GMT -5
Did you really say, 'I am seeking a side lover, and will be meeting up for munches and such' ? What a deal.
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Post by h on Feb 27, 2018 14:01:53 GMT -5
tiredoftears who cares what is socially acceptable? If it's agreed between you two then that's all that matters and nobody else has to know anything. Live your life the way you want to and forget everyone else.
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Post by tiredoftears on Feb 27, 2018 14:11:55 GMT -5
Did you really say, 'I am seeking a side lover, and will be meeting up for munches and such' ? What a deal. Yes I did. I was completely honest and upfront about my involvement in the Fetlife community and seeking a playmate. I am going to a munch to meet several people next Monday at a resteraunt near our house. He immediately agreed to take me there and pick me up, no resistance. Like I said, he understands.
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