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Post by tiredoftears on Feb 14, 2018 11:27:55 GMT -5
I wrote him this letter. I will give it to him Friday, simce today is Valentines and tomorrow is his birthday.
The counselor said we were supposed to write each other letters. I forgot what about. But this is the letter I think I should write.
This is what I was hoping last month when you said you needed to get started planning something, pertaining to me saying I was not going to have a third sexless Valentine's Day in a row, when I am supposed to be in a relationship...
I had hoped maybe you would get someone to babysit Max for a few hours, and we could go to a motel, and we could have a few hours to play around with sex, you know.... I had hoped you would make an EFFORT.
But last night was the eye opener. Tuesday night. I asked you if you read the articles I sent you that day. You said, yes, all three of them. I was worried I sent you an extra article to read, because I know one was very long, and went to check in my phone. I said "You had meant three including the one from yesterday".
Your discomfort become obvious from the look on your face. And you quickly changed the subject to Max. I was shattered. The counselor said we need to start talking about this at home, and once again, I tried to, only to be shut down. Every time I try I am putting myself out there, being vulnerable, but I cannot keep being the only one to do that. And I will not keep doing it.
So I changed the subject from Max to your birthday plans, you settled on tri-tip, and then I told you not to buy me anything for Valentine's Day.
I did not want you to buy me anything because I cannot stomach another meaningless gesture.
I apologize for expecting that of you. I should know by now, that is not what you want.
I feel I must apologize for a lot to you now.
I am sorry for pushing you to be intimate with me all these years, when that is not what you wanted.
I am sorry for expecting more from you than you were ready or willing to give.
I am sorry for expecting you to change, when you kept trying to show me that is not what you wanted.
I am sorry for pushing you to get counseling, when you obviously did not want to.
I am sorry for expecting you to be in a sexual relationship with me when you would clearly prefer to be asexual.
I am sorry for trying so hard.
I am sorry I allowed myself to be so vulnerable.
I am sorry for putting myself out there so much and so often.
I am sorry for trying to fix things, because although to me it is terribly broken, to you it is a smooth running clock.
I am sorry for leading you to believe things were ok when they very much were NOT.
I am sorry I cannot be who you want or need, and I am sorry I have not been able to figure out HOW to be who you want or need.
If you decide you want things to change, then you can do what you see fit about it.
Like I said before, I will never leave you.
I need to be wanted and desired.
For now, I am going to find myself a lover, maybe just a one time fling, maybe ongoing, I havent decided yet.
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The Letter
Feb 14, 2018 11:31:25 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by tiredoftears on Feb 14, 2018 11:31:25 GMT -5
Please tell me your thoughts on the letter my fellow sexless friends, so I can make adjustments if fitting.
Thank you.
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Post by james on Feb 14, 2018 12:02:57 GMT -5
tiredoftears, it is a good letter and no one with a heart could fail to be moved by it. Is that the first time you have said anything to him about finding a lover? If it is, might it be better to do it face to face? Big thing to drop like that.
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Post by tiredoftears on Feb 14, 2018 12:25:00 GMT -5
tiredoftears, it is a good letter and no one with a heart could fail to be moved by it. Is that the first time you have said anything to him about finding a lover? If it is, might it be better to do it face to face? Big thing to drop like that. Thank you. And no it is not the first time. I told him a month ago at counseling if he did not start making an effort, come valentines day i would. I reminded him again two weeks ago. And at our counseling session monday i told him he has still failed to make an effort, she told him he has still made no effort as well, and i told them both i would be fucking somebody before months end.
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 14, 2018 12:28:16 GMT -5
I'd recommend you read this and see if it would help you. If it would help you with the format of your letter.If it would help you with your emotions knowing you are not alone and there is a new you to say hello to as you say goodbye to the past. Tweek it and correct it, then send it. Be ready to back it up. Be ready to end the marriage with a divorce. iliasm.org/thread/3633/working-grief-saying-goodbyeJust a few suggestions about your current letter. Keep it for yourself. it's truthful and honest. Use it as a reference a couple of seasons from now to evaluate your progress. 2 things strike me as "difficult" 1) The "I am sorry". You could have just as well said "I am sorry "to have married a mistake. He could easily, only, see you taking all the blame, when it IS HIS PROBLEM not yours. 2) Like I said before "I will never leave you". All that does is give him a "get out of jail free card". Eliminate that from your thinking. He left you. he left the marriage. He cheated on the marriage. Make him own it! You deserve much better.
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Post by WindSister on Feb 14, 2018 13:09:35 GMT -5
I always hesitate getting involved in threads like this because I don't know you at a personal level nor do I know the intricate dynamics of your marriage, so who I am to say???
BUT -- the "I'm sorrys" feel a bit passive aggressive to me. Maybe I am wrong.
It's like when I am interviewing someone and I ask for their three strengths and ONE (I just ask for ONE) area they might need improvement on and I hear, "Well, I tend to work too hard." Really? That's all you got? I get no one wants to talk about an area of needing to work on in an interview, but I value honesty over a "fake fault." On my interview I said I was horrible at organization, but I work at it by doing things as they come up so I don't have "piles" to sort through and I use my calendar for everything to make sure I don't forget things.
Be honest. Be direct. Without playing the victim.
(take this or leave it or tell me to shove off... just sharing my two cents)
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 14, 2018 13:25:19 GMT -5
I always hesitate getting involved in threads like this because I don't know you at a personal level nor do I know the intricate dynamics of your marriage, so who I am to say??? BUT -- the "I'm sorrys" feel a bit passive aggressive to me. Maybe I am wrong. It's like when I am interviewing someone and I ask for their three strengths and ONE (I just ask for ONE) area they might need improvement on and I hear, "Well, I tend to work too hard." Really? That's all you got? I get no one wants to talk about an area of needing to work on in an interview, but I value honesty over a "fake fault." On my interview I said I was horrible at organization, but I work at it by doing things as they come up so I don't have "piles" to sort through and I use my calendar for everything to make sure I don't forget things. Be honest. Be direct. Without playing the victim. (take this or leave it or tell me to shove off... just sharing my two cents) I agree about "the sorry's", I wondered if they weren't passive agressive and if they aren't then I'd be damned if I would be saying "I'm sorry" for someone else's shortcomings. Everyone should feel wanted and desired and if he can't provide that for you then find someone who can, it will help your confidence and self esteem, you may even gain a friendship out of it. Trust me you will have no problem finding someone to rock your world in the sack, and I'm sure it won't take a month. I always say if I start looking on a Monday, I can get laid by Thursday unless it's Thanksgiving but then you have the perfect alibi - Black Friday Shopping!! Enjoy!!
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The Letter
Feb 14, 2018 14:08:47 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by tiredoftears on Feb 14, 2018 14:08:47 GMT -5
I'd recommend you read this and see if it would help you. If it would help you with the format of your letter.If it would help you with your emotions knowing you are not alone and there is a new you to say hello too as you say goodbye to the past. Tweek it and correct it, then send it. be ready to back it up. be ready to end the marriage with a divorce. iliasm.org/thread/3633/working-grief-saying-goodbyeJust a few suggestions about your current letter. keep it for yourself. it's truthful and honest. use it as a reference a couple of seasons from now to evaluate your progress. 2 things strike me as "difficult" 1) the "I am sorry". You could have just as well said "I am sorry "to have married a mistake. he could easily, only, see you taking all the blame, when it IS HIS PROBLEM not yours. 2) Like I said before "I will never leave you". All that does is give him a "get out of jail free card". Eliminate that from your thinking. He left you. he left the marriage. He cheated on the marriage. Make him own it! You deserve much better. No, i am not going to leave him. It would not be a wise choice for many many many reasons. Our relationship started out quite a complicated one. I was originally a sex worker and he my client. Even then, he was very reserved sexually. He knows it is all his problem. Even the counselor has told him the issue is HIM. And she has discussed with him that I may possibly go back to doing my own thing sexually, and he did not seem too fazed by it. For three years we lived together and we were just friends, I was a sex worker, and had a stting of lovers on tge side, and he watched porn before we became a couple that immediately became sexless after i quickly became pregnant, and now two years we have been sexless. He will understand the letter fairly well. But thank yoi for your input.
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Post by choosinghappy on Feb 14, 2018 14:15:59 GMT -5
WindSister said it perfectly regarding hesitating on commenting on posts like this because I don't know you personally nor the intricate dynamics in your marriage. I started writing a response earlier then deleted it due to this exact thing. But I want to echo the comments regarding the passive aggressiveness. While you have every right to feel and express that, maybe a more effective way to communicate is by being completely direct with him. (Example below.) Because do you truly feel "sorry" about some of these things? I am hoping the answer is no since they are not things you had control over. Suggested editing similar to this: My expectation was for us to be in a sexual relationship but it seems clear that you prefer to be asexual. I regret trying so hard and allowing myself to be so vulnerable by putting myself out there so much and so often. The other striking thing was the phrase: "I will never leave you". Is this true? And if so, what motivation does he have to try to change his behavior?
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The Letter
Feb 14, 2018 14:20:08 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by northstarmom on Feb 14, 2018 14:20:08 GMT -5
Congrats on writing the letter.
I agree there are too many sorrys. Are you sorry you married him? If so, say that with no apology. But before changing anything ask yourself if, “I feel sorrow,” or “I feel hurt” or, “I feel angry” would better express your feelings.
I’m curious about how you think he is asexual when he met you as a client on your sex worker job.
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Post by lwoetin on Feb 14, 2018 14:36:45 GMT -5
I like your letter. Especially the ending, whether you are serious or not. Once I told my wife I joined a dating site, though I didn't care to do much. I wanted to get a response to gauge her feelings. It's like probing with a digital multimeter.
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The Letter
Feb 14, 2018 15:27:10 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by tiredoftears on Feb 14, 2018 15:27:10 GMT -5
WindSister said it perfectly regarding hesitating on commenting on posts like this because I don't know you personally nor the intricate dynamics in your marriage. I started writing a response earlier then deleted it due to this exact thing. But I want to echo the comments regarding the passive aggressiveness. While you have every right to feel and express that, maybe a more effective way to communicate is by being completely direct with him. (Example below.) Because do you truly feel "sorry" about some of these things? I am hoping the answer is no since they are not things you had control over. Suggested editing similar to this: My expectation was for us to be in a sexual relationship but it seems clear that you prefer to be asexual. I regret trying so hard and allowing myself to be so vulnerable by putting myself out there so much and so often. The other striking thing was the phrase: "I will never leave you". Is this true? And if so, what motivation does he have to try to change his behavior? Basically, his only motivation is that I will be fucking other people. If that is not enough, so be it. Part of me really believes that is how he would prefer things anyway.
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Post by tiredoftears on Feb 14, 2018 15:32:27 GMT -5
I like your letter. Especially the ending, whether you are serious or not. Once I told my wife I joined a dating site, though I didn't care to do much. I wanted to get a response to gauge her feelings. It's like probing with a digital multimeter. Thank you,and the ending is dead serious. I am fucking someone else before the month is over.
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Post by baza on Feb 14, 2018 18:18:05 GMT -5
What is the aim of this letter ? What are you expecting as an outcome ?
If it is simply a vent, then fair enough.
If I was the recipient of this letter, I dunno what I'd make of it - but the bit where it says - "I'll never leave you" is the bit that I'd hang my hat on.
If I had been starting to get a bit worried as the letter unfolded, that bit would re-assure me.
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Post by surfergirl on Feb 14, 2018 19:39:49 GMT -5
I would not send this letter.
See your counselor first and have her help you with it. ((hug))
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