Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 22, 2018 23:38:04 GMT -5
Iwoetin,
My relationship is much better than it was in the past. I have sex with my wife but that's no longer enough for me. If I was the person that I was two years ago, I would stay. I can no longer accept my marriage. I've already lived half my life. I don't want to waste any more time in an unfulfilling relationship. Even though it's a very comfortable and friendly relationship. It's not a marriage to me. It's a friendship and a living arrangement with children.
Both my children have told me that they want to live with me, if there was a divorce. I've raised them and have been a stay at home father. My wife will accept their decision, especially since they are older now.
My wife jokes about when I start back to work that I'll leave. In her heart, she knows I'm leaving. When she sees me studying hard and getting credit in my name, she has to know. I've already told her that I want financial independence from her. I've made it so clear in the past of my relationship needs. There is nothing more for me to say. I just need to keep moving toward my goal, which is freedom from my relationship.
I'm okay with my decision. I've thought long and hard and considered it for a long time now. It's not something that I've taken lightly. I would have left years ago, if it were not for having kids or just becoming too lazy in my marriage to do something about it. Comfort, fear, and laziness were my downfall these last five years. I've known what needed to be done but just chose to go along with the status quo.
One of the final deciding factors for me was when my wife went away on vacation. I enjoyed her not being home There comes a point when you have to accept your spouse for who they are. This was really hard for me. I wanted to change her and save my marriage. Not everything can be saved or changed, especially when someone has no desire to change. You can't change who someone is. My wife will never be that spouse I want. She'll never become an affectionate and open person. It's not her nature. The older she gets the more set in her ways she has become. She's not a bad spouse and will make someone a good wife, who wants a companion without the affection.
I can tell you Iwoetin that I've never felt more alive in my life than now. I'm breaking free and taking chances. There is potential now. Where in the past, there was only cold comfort. I may be single the rest of my life but I'm okay with that. In my heart, I know that I'll meet other women and maybe even marry again. If I chose to stay in my marriage, it would only be chaining myself to a life of regret later on.
|
|
|
Post by tirefire on Feb 24, 2018 9:07:32 GMT -5
@heraclitus: "The older she gets the more set in her ways she has become. She's not a bad spouse and will make someone a good wife, who wants a companion without the affection."
I had to scroll up and make sure this wasn't something I wrote earlier.
|
|
|
Post by theexplorer on Mar 16, 2018 10:55:43 GMT -5
On the question of whether or not a person can outsource over a long term, the answer is yes. I read a book a couple of years ago on this very point. The book was specifically about married women who also had long term lovers. I believe the book was written back in the late 1980's. The author was a mental health professional. Unfortunately, I do not recall the book's title or the author's name currently.
Anyway, the author of this book interviewed dozens of married women who had long term lovers. The book was essentially a collection of their stories. (With the names changed!) It was obviously written for female readers.
Several of the women in this book claimed to have engaged in outsourcing for decades. I believe one woman had done so for over 30 years with the same man. I believe all of them had maintained at least a 5 year relationship with the same man. Some of the women had sex with both their husband and their lover. Other women were in sexless marriages. Some of them were in love with both their husband and their lover. Some of the women were only in love their AP, others considered them a friend with benefits. All of these women claimed that they were only involved with one guy outside their marriage. Some of the women said they had several lovers when they began outsourcing, but then they settled on one partner. Some of the women had married lovers, others had single lovers. At least one woman's lover married anther woman, and continued to see her behind his new wife's back. Some met their lover weekly, others were only occasionally together. There was a HUGE variety in the way the different women conducted their outsourcing.
At the end of the book, the author pointed out that she did NOT research the male perspective on long term outsourcing. She acknowledged that the men who were involved with the women in the book could have a considerably different viewpoint. She did not even attempt to contact the men involved. By only telling the women's side, it seemed like the author was only telling half of each story.
The author of this book believed this practice is much more common than most people suspect. I have no idea if she is correct. Since this book was written quite a few years back, things could have changed.
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Mar 16, 2018 14:15:26 GMT -5
Let me know if you remember the name of the book.
Im one of those fostering the idea of an affair to save my marriage.
|
|
|
Post by lwoetin on Mar 17, 2018 1:06:10 GMT -5
Iwoetin, My relationship is much better than it was in the past. I have sex with my wife but that's no longer enough for me. If I was the person that I was two years ago, I would stay. I can no longer accept my marriage. I've already lived half my life. I don't want to waste any more time in an unfulfilling relationship. Even though it's a very comfortable and friendly relationship. It's not a marriage to me. It's a friendship and a living arrangement with children. Both my children have told me that they want to live with me, if there was a divorce. I've raised them and have been a stay at home father. My wife will accept their decision, especially since they are older now. My wife jokes about when I start back to work that I'll leave. In her heart, she knows I'm leaving. When she sees me studying hard and getting credit in my name, she has to know. I've already told her that I want financial independence from her. I've made it so clear in the past of my relationship needs. There is nothing more for me to say. I just need to keep moving toward my goal, which is freedom from my relationship. I'm okay with my decision. I've thought long and hard and considered it for a long time now. It's not something that I've taken lightly. I would have left years ago, if it were not for having kids or just becoming too lazy in my marriage to do something about it. Comfort, fear, and laziness were my downfall these last five years. I've known what needed to be done but just chose to go along with the status quo. One of the final deciding factors for me was when my wife went away on vacation. I enjoyed her not being home There comes a point when you have to accept your spouse for who they are. This was really hard for me. I wanted to change her and save my marriage. Not everything can be saved or changed, especially when someone has no desire to change. You can't change who someone is. My wife will never be that spouse I want. She'll never become an affectionate and open person. It's not her nature. The older she gets the more set in her ways she has become. She's not a bad spouse and will make someone a good wife, who wants a companion without the affection. I can tell you Iwoetin that I've never felt more alive in my life than now. I'm breaking free and taking chances. There is potential now. Where in the past, there was only cold comfort. I may be single the rest of my life but I'm okay with that. In my heart, I know that I'll meet other women and maybe even marry again. If I chose to stay in my marriage, it would only be chaining myself to a life of regret later on. I am glad you are feeling alive and free again. Since you are in good terms with your wife, the separation can be amicable hopefully. We are all needing something from our marriage. I thought since sex came back, it would work out for you. Although I am still craving for crumbs sexually, I must be getting something that is still filling my longings...and an affair sounds more acceptable than separation. My son lucked out in the lottery and got into a very good high school focused on IT (hopefully to supplant his addiction to video games), so another reason to chill. Good luck with your efforts towards independence.
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Mar 17, 2018 8:34:50 GMT -5
I could see situations where cheating and staying could work.
Some people financially cannot leave.
Some people want to stay "for the kids" (although I differ strongly that modeling a fucked up marriage is good for the kids)
Some people have a partner who is fine just so long as it isn't shoved in their face.
Some people are good at keeping secrets.
The problem I had during my marriage was the last one. I can't keep a secret of that nature to save my life. It would have been written all over my face.
As a result I didn't cheat. Perhaps it could have "saved" the "marriage" to my roommate. In the end I'm.glad I just divorced her even though it cost me dearly financially.
Being able to walk out with my head held high? Priceless.
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Mar 17, 2018 8:57:31 GMT -5
This breaks my heart. Like, why? ? Why even get married based on such a lie? I empathize for that woman, she had no choice because she didn't have all the information. Happens a lot, I'm sure. The quote didn't work. I was trying to quote this: "At least one woman's lover married anther woman, and continued to see her behind his new wife's back."
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Mar 18, 2018 1:51:36 GMT -5
This breaks my heart. Like, why? ? Why even get married based on such a lie? I empathize for that woman, she had no choice because she didn't have all the information. Happens a lot, I'm sure. The quote didn't work. I was trying to quote this: "At least one woman's lover married anther woman, and continued to see her behind his new wife's back." I get your heartbreak. I also get why this type of situation happens. Not everyone marries for love. And its quite common for people not to ask questions that they do not want the answer too. So you get enablement, turning a blind eye. Why? Maybe there are other benefits to the relationship that outweigh the lies. Crazy, aint it?
|
|
kittymox
Junior Member
Just a dandelion
Posts: 32
Age Range: 41-45
|
Post by kittymox on Mar 18, 2018 2:11:44 GMT -5
I've had a few friends tell me I should discreetly find a lover. My partner sometimes wakes up crying and in a cold sweat from dreams in which I've cheated on him. If I had an affair, I would, quite literally, be making his worst nightmare come true. But then again he knows how his rejection and refusal to talk about it has made my life a waking nightmare and that doesn't stop him, so... I'm such a bad liar though. Everything is written all over my face. And I don't handle guilt well. Ugh :/
|
|
|
Post by elynne on Mar 18, 2018 4:10:10 GMT -5
I've had a few friends tell me I should discreetly find a lover. My partner sometimes wakes up crying and in a cold sweat from dreams in which I've cheated on him. If I had an affair, I would, quite literally, be making his worst nightmare come true. But then again he knows how his rejection and refusal to talk about it has made my life a waking nightmare and that doesn't stop him, so... I'm such a bad liar though. Everything is written all over my face. And I don't handle guilt well. Ugh :/ Each of us has to make our own choice about cheating or not. One word of caution- think very carefully about the pros and cons of such a move. This is serious stuff and depending on your partner’s reaction if discovered, could put you in danger. The way I see it: Pros: Rebuilding self-esteem Feeling desired and sexy Having something to contrast to your current relationship May help you build the energy and momentum to leave a unhappy relationship (see exit affair) Cons: Secrecy Guilt Possible discovery and having everything blow up (though hastening the end might fall under the pros in some cases) It will certainly not help if repairing the current relationship is a goal. Take care of yourself. Be as kind and compassionate to yourself as you would be to your best friend. And ask yourself what a wise person would do in your situation. You may be surprised at your answers if you take the time to listen.
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Mar 18, 2018 5:48:27 GMT -5
A note on secrecy and guilt.
I let my W know about my affair last December. I did not want the secrecy. I wanted to be honest about my situation, and she had plenty of warnings. Yesterday we talked about divorce issues, and she said she wished I had not told her. She asked. I told her. The truth hurt more than the lack of knowledge. My advice is still to be honest. Firing plenty of shots across their bow will help cope with the guilt afterwards, because if you have given the warnings and the response has been insufficient you will feel no guilt.
|
|
|
Post by surfergirl on Mar 18, 2018 7:56:34 GMT -5
As a (former) lifelong evangelical Christian, I ought to be CONSUMED with guilt.
[tapping my foot]
Nope. Still not an OUNCE or hint of it. Am I a stone-cold bitch? Have I turned into someone else, someone without a conscience?
As many of you know, I’ve been on the hunt for A Proper Affair. I’m 42, and .....FINALLY. I spent five hours of lovemaking with my victim (haha...he didn’t mind). That’s never ever happened to me before. Ever. He was sooooo good to me. And he didn’t ghost me afterward, roll over, hand me my clothes, or other jackass behavior. He took CARE of me. And it made me cry, you guys. I’m not a crier, but you guys, I had my first taste of water and IT WAS SO GOOD.
Now I need to figure out what to DO with this knowledge and the hate I feel toward my husband for withholding that from me. I deserve to be loved like that. Now that I’ve had it, I feel a reckless urge to HUNT THAT DOWN. So, I’m aware and being cautious of my next move.
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Mar 18, 2018 8:28:07 GMT -5
^^^^^ THIS!!! surfergirl, I can identify with that, from roughly the same perspective, and maybe a half step ahead of you. I did not cry when I found it, but it felt indescribably good to have felt like after twenty-four years I had done something right for once, and to find someone I connected so well with. I hope we all find what we are looking for.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 19, 2018 11:07:49 GMT -5
I've thought a lot about this question since I started this thread.
I don't think an affair is an "answer" even in the specific circumstances I listed. It can be an excellent coping mechanism, it can teach a lot, and it could be a great fallback position for those who cannot leave for whatever reason. But unless it is something that the spouse can accept, it will never be a solution, but a way to survive.
To me, if life isn't lived authentically, then it is missing a lot. By definition, an affair that is secret from one's spouse is inauthentic. it may be the least bad of all possible choices, and in that sense it can be the locally optimal way for one to live one's life. But any true solution must be to be true to oneself. An affair, as much good as it can do, is never going to be as good as a real marriage would be - which means ending the bad marriages most of us are in, if they cannot be saved to the point where both spouses can be authentic and happy.
This is painful for me to write, and I don't know if I have the strength or courage to act on it in my own situation. But, again, being true and authentic is the goal, and I'd rather fall short knowing the score than fooling myself.
|
|
|
Post by surfergirl on Mar 19, 2018 11:27:36 GMT -5
@shynjdude and all, For me, last week getting Laid Properly For The First Time in My Life at age 42 was important. (I feel like this should be its own post: SurferGirl Finally Got Laid.) No, it didn't solve my SM, but NOW I have the information I need to make decisions. Before, I have seen TV sex and internet sex, but I have never had a lovemaking session in my entire life. Now I know it's not all in my head. That it's real. That what I'm missing out on isn't something I'm fantasizing about and over-reacting on the lack, thereof. What I just had was fucking awesome. It blew my mind. And that is information that I need to have. Now, I realize I'm probably a unicorn here....getting married as a virgin. Never having had a guy look at me during sex....lol....me practically raping him ala elynne and all sorts of jacked up shit. My husband has had lifelong ED so to fuck a guy who, in my husband's words, doesn't have to "work and push through" to fuck me.... To have and experience a guy who is INTO me (haha) .....ahhhhhhh, wow.... Just wow. I needed to know.
|
|