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Post by mescaline on Jan 20, 2018 13:05:12 GMT -5
Staying at present, but always have an open mind to the future...
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jan 20, 2018 13:19:39 GMT -5
I don’t see any buttons for the poll (on phone app). I am a “left” - been out of house 18 months & formal divorce decree was finalized a year ago. I don’t regret it.
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Post by obobfla on Jan 20, 2018 13:57:58 GMT -5
I could choose all three.
I outsourced when the opportunity arose.
I stayed because my wife was in poor physical and mental health.
I am left because my wife passed on, so that is the current answer.
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Post by Dan on Jan 20, 2018 14:01:29 GMT -5
I view it differently. I only see two choices: stay or leave. Outsourcing seems to be a coping strategy to deal with staying or a way to pass the time / fulfill a need as you're on the way out. But in the end, you're still only choosing between stay or leave. Well... yes. "Stay and don't outsource" and "Stay and outsource" are both "stay". But there is some VERY REAL difference between the two, for one's psychological state. "Stay and endure the sexlessness" must come from a place of selflessness almost to the point of martyrdom. You have to acknowledge and embrace that there is some social or moral good in this course of action, to do so willingly. "Stay and seek intimacy outside the marriage" must come from a place of being willing to seek a very precarious balance. You have to see the cliff of "losing yourself to sexlessness" and the other cliff of "what if your infidelity is found out", and have the patience and courage and wisdom to tread the dangerous trail along BOTH cliffs. In both cases, there are dangers to self, spouse, and family AND there are potential benefits to self, spouse, and family. But those dangers and potential benefits are pretty different... and that makes those to choices quite distinct, IMO.
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Post by Dan on Jan 20, 2018 14:06:43 GMT -5
Regarding the comment that "stay" is really "only one choice", I just argued that "remain sexless" or "outsource" really are distinct choices.
But if I must break up "stay" in to two separate choice, THIS might be the more germane distinction:
"Stay, doing so with extreme sadness, resentment, or discomfort."
and
"Stay, feeling somewhat empowered by your decision, seeing that there is a benefit to it".
Either of these may entail "endured celibacy" or "responsible outsourcing". The main key to staying is "get to the state of feeling empowered by it".
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Post by choosinghappy on Jan 20, 2018 15:07:21 GMT -5
Regarding the comment that "stay" is really "only one choice", I just argued that "remain sexless" or "outsource" really are distinct choices. But if I must break up "stay" in to two separate choice, THIS might be the more germane distinction:"Stay, doing so with extreme sadness, resentment, or discomfort."
and "Stay, feeling somewhat empowered by your decision, seeing that there is a benefit to it".
Either of these may entail "endured celibacy" or "responsible outsourcing". The main key to staying is "get to the state of feeling empowered by it". I also feel that "stay and remain sexless" or "stay and outsource" are two different categories but I have to disagree with the above distinctions @dan . Currently I am staying and outsourcing. While I do feel empowered through the outsourcing, I still feel extreme sadness, resentment and discomfort in my marriage. That doesn't go away just because I have added something new and positive into my life.
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Post by Dan on Jan 20, 2018 15:17:00 GMT -5
Regarding the comment that "stay" is really "only one choice", I just argued that "remain sexless" or "outsource" really are distinct choices. But if I must break up "stay" in to two separate choice, THIS might be the more germane distinction:"Stay, doing so with extreme sadness, resentment, or discomfort."
and "Stay, feeling somewhat empowered by your decision, seeing that there is a benefit to it".
Either of these may entail "endured celibacy" or "responsible outsourcing". The main key to staying is "get to the state of feeling empowered by it". I also feel that "stay and remain sexless" or "stay and outsource" are two different categories but I have to disagree with the above distinctions @dan . Currently I am staying and outsourcing. While I do feel empowered through the outsourcing, I still feel extreme sadness, resentment and discomfort in my marriage. That doesn't go away just because I have added something new and positive into my life. That's kind of my point: "stay and outsource" does not guarantee "happiness"; and "stay and accept abstinence" does not guarantee "despair". From your description, you are still in the first version of "stay", even though you are getting a dollop of "empowerment" on the side. My heartfelt wishes that you -- and all others -- can be moving toward something that is livable in the long term. Well, even more than just "livable": I wish that us each to learn to thrive in a future of our choosing.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 20, 2018 15:34:03 GMT -5
I outsourced recently and got dumped, so am I still outsourcing?
I'm staying but only until the Win-the-Wife-Back behavior stops. So am I staying?
Or am I leaving because all my legal documents are in order?
LOL
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Post by shamwow on Jan 20, 2018 15:37:31 GMT -5
Regarding the comment that "stay" is really "only one choice", I just argued that "remain sexless" or "outsource" really are distinct choices. But if I must break up "stay" in to two separate choice, THIS might be the more germane distinction:"Stay, doing so with extreme sadness, resentment, or discomfort."
and "Stay, feeling somewhat empowered by your decision, seeing that there is a benefit to it".
Either of these may entail "endured celibacy" or "responsible outsourcing". The main key to staying is "get to the state of feeling empowered by it". I also feel that "stay and remain sexless" or "stay and outsource" are two different categories but I have to disagree with the above distinctions @dan . Currently I am staying and outsourcing. While I do feel empowered through the outsourcing, I still feel extreme sadness, resentment and discomfort in my marriage. That doesn't go away just because I have added something new and positive into my life. Which is why I contend that stay is a choice and outsource is a coping strategy.
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 20, 2018 16:47:50 GMT -5
I left and recently saw a lawyer. Best decision of my life. STBX is in rage mode. Threatening to sue me if I tell co workers the reason for our split. I laughed. That kind of threat might lead to renting a billboard.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jan 20, 2018 18:16:11 GMT -5
Regarding the comment that "stay" is really "only one choice", I just argued that "remain sexless" or "outsource" really are distinct choices. But if I must break up "stay" in to two separate choice, THIS might be the more germane distinction:"Stay, doing so with extreme sadness, resentment, or discomfort."
and "Stay, feeling somewhat empowered by your decision, seeing that there is a benefit to it".
Either of these may entail "endured celibacy" or "responsible outsourcing". The main key to staying is "get to the state of feeling empowered by it". I don't know how to easily distinguish. At the moment for me (ignoring any possible outsourcing) I'm owning the decision to stay for various reasons, which is empowering and has some benefit, but there is certainly sadness and discomfort (and at times resentment.)
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 20, 2018 18:41:09 GMT -5
I also feel that "stay and remain sexless" or "stay and outsource" are two different categories but I have to disagree with the above distinctions @dan . Currently I am staying and outsourcing. While I do feel empowered through the outsourcing, I still feel extreme sadness, resentment and discomfort in my marriage. That doesn't go away just because I have added something new and positive into my life. Which is why I contend that stay is a choice and outsource is a coping strategy. What about outsourcing after the divorce when you are officially single? If your new partner is still married, you are enabling the outsourcing. How much of that is still a "coping strategy" as you sort through your own mess of recovering from your now ended SM? I'm asking this for myself ,and anyone else whom it applies to now ,and in the future? Perhaps it needs another thread?
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Post by baza on Jan 20, 2018 19:38:46 GMT -5
There are thousands of variants in the "stay" option.
Stay and be miserable Stay and outsource Stay and take up a hobby Stay whilst you work on your exit strategy Stay for the money Stay 'cause it's not that bad Stay for the kids Stay because you fear physical retribution Stay and keep telling yourself everything is great bar the sex Stay due to religious pressure Stay because you can't be arsed doing the work that a different choice would involve Stay to nurture your need to be a martyr Stay for the football tickets Stay for pets Stay because of fear of the unknown Stay and put your head in the sand and pretend it isn't happening Stay because of (insert your personal favourite here)
Thing is, staying is a perfectly valid choice. Every bit as legitimate as leaving
And, you do NOT have to justify your choice.
But you DO have to own your choice. And you DO have to live your choice. And you DO have to own the consequences of your choice.
Same applies if you choose to leave.
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Post by Dan on Jan 20, 2018 21:19:09 GMT -5
Which is why I contend that stay is a choice and outsource is a coping strategy. "Stay, don't cheat, and suffer, and don't work towards a long term plan" is not a coping strategy. "Stay, cheat, and feel guilty, and don't work towards a long term plan" is not a coping strategy. "Stay, don't cheat, and own your temporary celibacy while you figure out your long term plan" is a coping strategy. "Stay, cheat, and take some comfort from outsourcing while you figure out your long term plan" is a coping strategy. My advice is: develop a coping strategy while you figure out your long term plan.
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Post by baza on Jan 20, 2018 21:34:09 GMT -5
Anything that works is a coping strategy. Up to, and including, putting ones head in the stand and denying it is happening. It is a short term strategy for sure, but it works for a while for most people.
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