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Post by DryCreek on Jan 20, 2018 11:31:45 GMT -5
But honestly even if she did find a new guy, you would have no way of knowing if they were actually having sex unless they were crude enough to rub it in your face. What's to prevent her from bagging another sucker to string along for decades? True. Not my monkey; not my circus.
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Post by orangepeel on Jan 20, 2018 11:52:55 GMT -5
I’m with @elle: because of my kids alone I’d do it all over again, even if I knew in advance everything I know and feel now. I’d marry her again without a second’s hesitation.
But for me? No. Not a chance. We fucked each other’s heads off in our twenties and should have left it at that.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 20, 2018 13:04:49 GMT -5
Regarding kids, suppose instead of your spouse, you ended up marrying someone you were compatible with, and ended up having the same sort of great kids, but more of them?
I love my kids, too, but there is a reason why it took so long for the first one to come along.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 20, 2018 13:08:07 GMT -5
I actually hope my wife does find someone compatible, and goes on to have an incredible sex life with them. I am not going to hold any grudges.
Maybe an ongoing experience like that for her will help her understand what I wanted all those years.
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Post by mescaline on Jan 20, 2018 13:08:20 GMT -5
Agree with Ironhamster, I wouldn't marry my wife, my kids are my life and even with different kids and a different wife it would probably be the same, but at least my marriage would have the chance to be happy and not sexless!
Either way, looking into the past and wishing for change isn't going to make much of a difference to the present. Learning from our mistakes and experiences is though.
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Post by takestwototango on Jan 21, 2018 10:27:09 GMT -5
Knowing what I know now, no, I would not marry him again!
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 21, 2018 11:20:47 GMT -5
I think it's important to give ourselves some compassion. How many of us knew going into marriage that the partner would refuse and then act insulted when we asked to have sex or to outsource? None of us.
We ALL knew we were signing up for monogamy and what we got instead was celibacy. In that way, we were tricked.
To be fair, I don't think my H intentionally did that. But after the sexlessness was pointed out and he refused to do anything about it, then he became culpable and....mean, evil, and selfish.
But let's be compassionate with ourselves. When I got married, there was nobody to talk to. My sexlessness was a secret buried in shame and fog and confusion. I spent so many years trying to fix myself and find the secret to his desire. I get it now. But I want to give myself compassion, because HELL KNOWS, I'm not getting it from my husband and children and church community.
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Post by baza on Jan 21, 2018 19:49:05 GMT -5
It is interesting that the vast majority of responders would not re-marry their spouse in this theoretical scenario.
Yet in actuality the vast majority of responders choose to stay married to the spouse they would otherwise not want a bar of.
I suppose that one conclusion you might draw from it is that - if divorcing was easy - then the vast majority of responders here would do it.
So really, we are talking about an acceptable level of difficulty.
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Post by allworkandnoplay on Jan 21, 2018 22:53:08 GMT -5
I honestly have no idea. As I think back 22 years ago, I don't remember why I married her the first time. Maybe it's forgotten memories, or maybe it is the recent bad feelings are so strong that they mask the good times we obviously had at one time.
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Post by bluebirdday on Jan 22, 2018 1:31:04 GMT -5
Yep, what I know today about mutual passion and desire, there is no way I would’ve married my current wife. And yes, if there were no kids in our scenario, I would’ve walked away a long time ago. Too scary/difficult to imagine deconstructing our past 34 years. Ha! But I’m getting closer to pulling the plug
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Post by solodriver on Jan 22, 2018 2:17:29 GMT -5
I think it's important to give ourselves some compassion. How many of us knew going into marriage that the partner would refuse and then act insulted when we asked to have sex or to outsource? None of us. We ALL knew we were signing up for monogamy and what we got instead was celibacy. In that way, we were tricked. To be fair, I don't think my H intentionally did that. But after the sexlessness was pointed out and he refused to do anything about it, then he became culpable and....mean, evil, and selfish. But let's be compassionate with ourselves. When I got married, there was nobody to talk to. My sexlessness was a secret buried in shame and fog and confusion. I spent so many years trying to fix myself and find the secret to his desire. I get it now. But I want to give myself compassion, because HELL KNOWS, I'm not getting it from my husband and children and church community. That's why this place is so wonderful and for me (and maybe others) a life saver. There is compassion in this group. You're right in that most church groups don't have compassion or even understanding of sexless marriages.
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Post by jim44444 on Jan 22, 2018 20:44:45 GMT -5
If tomorrow morning you woke up to find out that you were magically divorced from your spouse.... Would you remarry your ex? (This is in many ways the inverse of my previous thread asking if you have fun with your spouse, and the interesting answers will come from those who answered yes. ) My original answer was "Nope" and I still feel that way. However, I want to explain my reasoning. The question as posed is present tense. What is my expectation today, not what was in the past. If my repationship was like it was when I got married then yes I would do it again. But that is not the question. Today we are not compatible and I see no clear path to that changing. I can objectively envision a future scenario where age or disease destroys my libido and the SM becomes a moot point. However, I can also envision the resentment for time lost existing until death do us part. So if I woke up and found us magically divorced I would engage in dividing the assets acquired, seperate the financial entanglements, shake her hand and wish her well. But I would not remarry her.
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