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Post by choosinghappy on Jan 19, 2018 10:23:53 GMT -5
God I forgot about that part where you hope they are cheating so you could leave guilt free and not look like the bad guy. Sadly if they are asexual it is only a pleasant fantasy. Sadly I remember that question during therapy. "Great Coastal how would you feel if you discovered Mrs Coastal was having an affair?" My response was " good for her! I hope she's happy. I would actually be glad for her. That would be good, it would help explain a lot of things, and i would feel free". Huh. And my response would be: "Crushed. Rejected. Bordering on worthless. And MAD." And then once I moved past those feelings it would be: "Free."
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 19, 2018 10:43:38 GMT -5
Sadly I remember that question during therapy. "Great Coastal how would you feel if you discovered Mrs Coastal was having an affair?" My response was " good for her! I hope she's happy. I would actually be glad for her. That would be good, it would help explain a lot of things, and i would feel free". Huh. And my response would be: "Crushed. Rejected. Bordering on worthless. And MAD." And then once I moved past those feelings it would be: "Free." Maybe, (this is a maybe, I need to think this through some more) maybe it was because, I was so numb to the rejection there wasn't any more mad, crushed, or worthless. Instead my focus had changed more on the realization that I'm not the one with the problem. That I AM A DESIRABLE person for someone else. It takes the divorce to gain the freedom, (speaking for myself) I am setting my wife and family free too!
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jan 19, 2018 10:50:56 GMT -5
No, not just because of the SM. All the other stuff: the money, the fighting, the lies, the manipulation, the fighting, the drama, the fighting, the disrespect, the FIGHTING.
Those have gotten better-ish since he’s been in therapy, but I still can’t trust.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jan 19, 2018 11:00:16 GMT -5
Huh. And my response would be: "Crushed. Rejected. Bordering on worthless. And MAD." And then once I moved past those feelings it would be: "Free." Maybe, (this is a maybe, I need to think this through some more) maybe it was because, I was so numb to the rejection there wasn't any more mad, crushed, or worthless. Instead my focus had changed more on the realization that I'm not the one with the problem. That I AM A DESIRABLE person for someone else. It takes the divorce to gain the freedom, (speaking for myself) I am setting my wife and family free too! greatcoastal - At the time when your therapist asked you this question, did you still love your wife? If the answer is no, perhaps that is also part of the difference in our reactions to the same question. I have made a lot of progress on realizing I'm not the one with the problem and also that I am indeed desirable to others. But it still would not stop the pain of learning of an affair after being rejected by him for years and told it is because he is asexual. I would feel SO betrayed.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 19, 2018 11:21:55 GMT -5
Maybe, (this is a maybe, I need to think this through some more) maybe it was because, I was so numb to the rejection there wasn't any more mad, crushed, or worthless. Instead my focus had changed more on the realization that I'm not the one with the problem. That I AM A DESIRABLE person for someone else. It takes the divorce to gain the freedom, (speaking for myself) I am setting my wife and family free too! greatcoastal - At the time when your therapist asked you this question, did you still love your wife? If the answer is no, perhaps that is also part of the difference in our reactions to the same question. I have made a lot of progress on realizing I'm not the one with the problem and also that I am indeed desirable to others. But it still would not stop the pain of learning of an affair after being rejected by him for years and told it is because he is asexual. I would feel SO betrayed. The initial answer is "NO I no longer loved my wife". There had already been too many eye opening tipping points and nails in the coffin. Not to get to deep on the "meaning" of love, the compassion, understanding and pitty for her was starting to grow. Lets say our spouses are asexual. Do I feel betrayed? Yes. That takes time and help from others to overcome that. There is still the positives of your marriage with an asexual. (patience, tolerance, understanding, forgiveness, family,and willingness to accept the good with the bad) You can hold your head high and take that with you onto a new beginning with someone else. Do I feel betrayed? yes. Have I learned from it. YES. Can we learn from it and move on ? Heck yea!!! (Thank you lord for the freedom to make mistakes, and the ability to learn from them and the new wisdom to press forward ,help myself, and continue to give and receive from others, by receiving new people in my life and a new environment) PS. I also knew very little about being "asexual" at the time. All I knew was her not wanting to "fuck" me but want to "fuck" someone else would be more "black and white" and easier to just think, "FINE! Her loss, time to move on, good iuck to the next victim of manipulative control". Pardon me if this sounds cold, my wife has doubled her size and weight over the years, her attitude towards so many things is not very liked by the rest of the family either". There is some comfort and relief in knowing "the spouse is going to continue to be that way, you can't change them, you where justified in running the other way"
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 19, 2018 11:49:01 GMT -5
“I remember that question during therapy. "Great Coastal how would you feel if you discovered Mrs Coastal was having an affair?"’
Before asking for a divorce, I’d told friends that if I learned my refuser ex were having an affair I might consider him sexually attractive again because the affair would prove he was capable of having sex.’
When after I told him I wanted a divorce he admitted he was having an affair, I was happy. It was my get out of jail free card. No one would blame me for leaving.
When he a week later told me he had been supporting s child he thought he had fathered, I was even more committed to the divorce because I didn’t want to be associated with a fool and a liar.
Aki would have happily divorced him years earlier if he had told me he wanted out. I’d stayed with him despite being miserable for years because I thought he loved me and was being the best husband he was capable of being. Silly me!
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 19, 2018 18:18:07 GMT -5
Sadly I remember that question during therapy. "Great Coastal how would you feel if you discovered Mrs Coastal was having an affair?" My response was " good for her! I hope she's happy. I would actually be glad for her. That would be good, it would help explain a lot of things, and i would feel free". The thought has crossed my mind... it would be the end, for sure, knowing that she was willing and capable, just not with me. It'd be a sure sign that we're forcing something that isn't meant to be. I think I'd be at peace with it, because she deserves to enjoy sex and a passionate life; there's no point begrudging her that just because she didn't have it with me. But I'd also be incredibly pissed at all the years spent tolerating a condition that never really existed, simply because she refused to be honest about it.
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 19, 2018 18:55:43 GMT -5
Sadly I remember that question during therapy. "Great Coastal how would you feel if you discovered Mrs Coastal was having an affair?" My response was " good for her! I hope she's happy. I would actually be glad for her. That would be good, it would help explain a lot of things, and i would feel free". The thought has crossed my mind... it would be the end, for sure, knowing that she was willing and capable, just not with me. It'd be a sure sign that we're forcing something that isn't meant to be. I think I'd be at peace with it, because she deserves to enjoy sex and a passionate life; there's no point begrudging her that just because she didn't have it with me. But I'd also be incredibly pissed at all the years spent tolerating a condition that never really existed, simply because she refused to be honest about it. Suppose she hooks up with someone after you are separated.
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 19, 2018 19:45:32 GMT -5
Suppose she hooks up with someone after you are separated. Sentiments would be the same, I think. It'd just reinforce the decision instead of catalyzing it.
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Post by saarinista on Jan 19, 2018 20:37:32 GMT -5
Would that mean I would have been a 44 year old virgin? There should be a length of time without sex where we can say that we have fully restored our virginity, and/or we should come up with an appropriate term to refer to that situation. Born again virgin? Revirgined? Reflowered? That was my immediate thought! I think I've revirginized, it's been so long. :-(
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 19, 2018 22:01:23 GMT -5
The thought has crossed my mind... it would be the end, for sure, knowing that she was willing and capable, just not with me. It'd be a sure sign that we're forcing something that isn't meant to be. I think I'd be at peace with it, because she deserves to enjoy sex and a passionate life; there's no point begrudging her that just because she didn't have it with me. But I'd also be incredibly pissed at all the years spent tolerating a condition that never really existed, simply because she refused to be honest about it. Suppose she hooks up with someone after you are separated. Nothing wrong with that question! It's a good one. Suppose she hooks up with another woman? Suppose she ends up a very lonely person who few people want to be around, and has no interest in any man or woman ever again. She is content with her job status and her money. She can live with her sister. All three receive my same answer. Basically I'm free of feeling like I was some sort of major screw up by trying to help someone and have a intimate marriage.
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Post by h on Jan 20, 2018 5:22:25 GMT -5
Sadly I remember that question during therapy. "Great Coastal how would you feel if you discovered Mrs Coastal was having an affair?" My response was " good for her! I hope she's happy. I would actually be glad for her. That would be good, it would help explain a lot of things, and i would feel free". The thought has crossed my mind... it would be the end, for sure, knowing that she was willing and capable, just not with me. It'd be a sure sign that we're forcing something that isn't meant to be. I think I'd be at peace with it, because she deserves to enjoy sex and a passionate life; there's no point begrudging her that just because she didn't have it with me. But I'd also be incredibly pissed at all the years spent tolerating a condition that never really existed, simply because she refused to be honest about it. But honestly even if she did find a new guy, you would have no way of knowing if they were actually having sex unless they were crude enough to rub it in your face. What's to prevent her from bagging another sucker to string along for decades?
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Post by shamwow on Jan 20, 2018 8:08:35 GMT -5
No. The act of divorcing, itself, is a large part of what is keeping me holding on. If I woke up tomorrow already divorced I would feel relief to already be through that huge hurdle. Edited to add: And when I don't lie to myself, I think the sense of relief I would feel is also related to having the decision already MADE instead of continuing to question what the best course of action is. One reason for this is that the decision to divorce is pretty much final. There will be resolution (even if things don't turn out as you hope). And there will be an end to the endless cycle of simmer, explode, reset, simmer. Even if you decide to stay most likely that decision get revisited over and over again.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jan 20, 2018 8:30:55 GMT -5
No. The act of divorcing, itself, is a large part of what is keeping me holding on. If I woke up tomorrow already divorced I would feel relief to already be through that huge hurdle. Edited to add: And when I don't lie to myself, I think the sense of relief I would feel is also related to having the decision already MADE instead of continuing to question what the best course of action is. One reason for this is that the decision to divorce is pretty much final. There will be resolution (even if things don't turn out as you hope). And there will be an end to the endless cycle of simmer, explode, reset, simmer. Even if you decide to stay most likely that decision get revisited over and over again. In my case there is not even reset, it's just a long slow simmer that is sure to explode at some point. And yes that finality is scary but what is scarier to me is the unknown. I have to be as sure as I can be that this is the best course of action not just for me but especially for my son with special needs. I am very adaptable when it comes to rolling with the punches and making the best out of what life gives me. But I've learned that I have a much harder time making a difficult decision (like this) and then forgiving myself if I chose "wrong".
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Post by shamwow on Jan 20, 2018 8:40:26 GMT -5
One reason for this is that the decision to divorce is pretty much final. There will be resolution (even if things don't turn out as you hope). And there will be an end to the endless cycle of simmer, explode, reset, simmer. Even if you decide to stay most likely that decision get revisited over and over again. In my case there is not even reset, it's just a long slow simmer that is sure to explode at some point. And yes that finality is scary but what is scarier to me is the unknown. I have to be as sure as I can be that this is the best course of action not just for me but especially for my son with special needs. I am very adaptable when it comes to rolling with the punches and making the best out of what life gives me. But I've learned that I have a much harder time making a difficult decision (like this) and then forgiving myself if I chose "wrong". You're not alone on that. Many of us spend decades weighing the pros and cons of our choices, sometimes paralyzed in fear. Other times it is simply we have a high pain threshold. And there is no guarantee on the other side, although like baza I cannot recall hearing of a story where someone wanted to descend back into the shithole they left after they got out of it. As far as being wrong? That shit just happens.
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