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Post by ironhamster on Jan 14, 2018 7:48:25 GMT -5
I like the idea of telling him point blank that you are going to start dating. He missed his wake-up call. All of this should be loud and clear. If you are already moving toward dividing assets, I doubt the stress caused by you dating would be significant.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 14, 2018 7:52:18 GMT -5
All, Thanks for the feedback. Lots to think about. But let me clarify baza and james -- TAKING the open marriage approach (instead of being just told "no") would be INSTEAD of divorce. The idea is that we'd continue to live as we have, but I don't have to sneak. Or am I in LaLa Land?
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Post by h on Jan 14, 2018 8:01:12 GMT -5
All, Thanks for the feedback. Lots to think about. But let me clarify baza and james -- TAKING the open marriage approach (instead of being just told "no") would be INSTEAD of divorce. The idea is that we'd continue to live as we have, but I don't have to sneak. Or am I in LaLa Land? You have already stated that he is against the idea of open marriage. You taking the approach of telling him you are going out on a date, he may file for divorce. He has made his views on this clear and according to what you have said, he is consistent. I wouldn't flaunt it unless you are prepared for the marriage to end.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 14, 2018 8:04:54 GMT -5
All, Thanks for the feedback. Lots to think about. But let me clarify baza and james -- TAKING the open marriage approach (instead of being just told "no") would be INSTEAD of divorce. The idea is that we'd continue to live as we have, but I don't have to sneak. Or am I in LaLa Land? Open marriages have plenty of options. I know one couple with an open marriage that do love each other, but they both like to play around. I see their situation as stable even if it is unorthodox. I know another woman who had an open marriage, where one night a week her boyfriend was allowed to sleep over. It alleviated the pain of the sexless marriage for a while, but eventually she chose to end the marriage. I think this latter example is more how you would fare, where the open marriage simply delayed the inevitable.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 14, 2018 8:15:18 GMT -5
You are in lala land. You say you are staying to avoid your kids’ wrath over a divorce. Yet, you think they’d accept your dating? Somehow you think you could publicly date and your kids either would never know or would find it acceptable? Dream on....
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Post by baza on Jan 14, 2018 8:22:52 GMT -5
All, Thanks for the feedback. Lots to think about. But let me clarify baza and james -- TAKING the open marriage approach (instead of being just told "no") would be INSTEAD of divorce. The idea is that we'd continue to live as we have, but I don't have to sneak. Or am I in LaLa Land? It read like you (and he) had rejected the open marriage scenario out of hand in earlier posts. Open marriage is just a variation on "stay and cheat" in any event, it is not a 4th option, it is just a variant on one of 3 existing options. However, hopefully Brother Apocrypha will weigh in (he knows more about this subject than most here) Personally, I think you need a very sound and stable marriage before you even thought about taking on the extra complexities an open marriage involves. And with all due respect, your marriage does not really look like a very sound and stable one.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 14, 2018 8:31:13 GMT -5
Okay, that's what I needed-- a reality check.
He is against the open marriage, and so you guys are right. Just DOING it isn't helpful and will add toxicity. I'm just trying to do whatever it takes not to divorce WITHOUT remaining sexless. I'm thinking out loud and this is all new and raw. New, meaning, the idea of him trying to RESET me, the idea that maybe I can just TAKE the open marriage instead of waiting for permission, etc.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 14, 2018 8:34:04 GMT -5
Thank you for your feedback as I'm processing real time.
I'm crying over your care and willingness to help. From the internet. This is so fucked up. I'm getting COMPASSION and help and care from strangers on the internet and I am CRYING.
I'm a CEO of a company, and I do not cry in public. But there it is. I am flat out bawling because some strangers on the internet care enough to engage me.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 14, 2018 8:37:21 GMT -5
Open marriages have plenty of options. I know one couple with an open marriage that do love each other, but they both like to play around. I see their situation as stable even if it is unorthodox. I am 100% unwilling for HIM to have an open marriage. What is he going to do? Have sex?
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 14, 2018 8:45:22 GMT -5
h Yes, I'd like this to happen. I would like HIM to file so that he will be "the bad guy" in the eyes of the kids. He won't. He wants to be the hero. But I suppose -- thinking this through -- that the spouse that has the affair is ALWAYS the villain. ALWAYS. And so it doesn't matter if he files. He will tell the story that I'm some whore, even though I was a virgin on my wedding night and stayed faithful for 20 years of neglect.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 14, 2018 8:45:39 GMT -5
All, Thanks for the feedback. Lots to think about. But let me clarify baza and james -- TAKING the open marriage approach (instead of being just told "no") would be INSTEAD of divorce. The idea is that we'd continue to live as we have, but I don't have to sneak. Or am I in LaLa Land? Friend you sound like you are going through a stage of grasping. Grasping for even the tinniest amount of "false hope" that you can maintain a sinking ship. You have to eventually "let go" of the notion that everyone is depending on me and I must remain hopeless, and feel rejected. You are asking to put a band-aid on an open gun shot wound. (lala land- clicking your heals together three times) Sorry to be blunt, but you are no longer in Kansas! Sounds like Kansas died once the children started maturing and you are less and less needed. That can easily be a substitute to a SM. The admiration and Love you receive from children. ---- Just the realization of this is a major turning point, a big step towards recovery. It takes TWO very strong willed open minded people to have a "successful open marriage" and even those have a whole slew of problems. Mainly there is no " I cherish and desire you,-and you only- emotionally, spiritually, and sexually". (Your eyes swelled with emotion several times when I mentioned ,"you deserve to be cherished and desired) Hope you don't mind me sharing that. I feel it's safe to say that all of us on here have that same feeling. You also want to set an example for your family. You would still be sneaking. How difficult is it already "setting an example of a loving caring intimate , married relationship" when you are apart for weeks at a time and in separate beds when your home? I will go out on a limb, and say "your kids are saying what they feel they need to say, because they risk loosing what little crumbs of a marriage is left between the two of you" They are in the same sinking boat with you, and are running out of fingers to put in all the holes. Time to abandon ship and swim to shore. If I where you I'd be curious to know what Mr. 19 yr old in the naval academy thinks about "what's best for mom and dad". You proved it to yourself with your jealousy against miss 23 yr. old. You strongly need to be respected, desired and cherished. You are looking to receive after decades of giving. There's nothing wrong with that. What does a person dying of thirst crave? A drink of water. What does a person dying of no sex and intimacy crave? sex and intimacy. It sounds like Tuesday will be a day of "swimming to shore for you". Put your life jacket on. Don't be surprised when the "money issue" comes up-dividing assets-things get ugly. You are taking away his control, and showing your independence. We will be here for you on those issues too! Friend, don't put the cart before the horse, and get caught up in " a short term fix (open marriage, FWB)" The turtle wins the race, slow and steady. You can do this! You are like a mini Linda Carter! That needs to be the least of your concerns right now. Keep leaning on others for your support and concentrate on the divorce. Set yourself free to a new beginning. Here's to restoration, and new beginnings!
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Post by h on Jan 14, 2018 8:50:50 GMT -5
Thank you for your feedback as I'm processing real time. I'm crying over your care and willingness to help. From the internet. This is so fucked up. I'm getting COMPASSION and help and care from strangers on the internet and I am CRYING. I'm a CEO of a company, and I do not cry in public. But there it is. I am flat out bawling because some strangers on the internet care enough to engage me. This is a wonderful place for people in our situation. We're here for you and will be in any way we can. We may be strangers but we've all been going through the same thing.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 14, 2018 8:53:51 GMT -5
greatcoastal Thank you. For the onlookers, greatcoastal and I met in person two nights ago and so he knows more pieces of my story. My son at the Naval Academy is devastated. He failed two classes when he heard about what's going on at home. (He is brilliant. This is really impacting him.) I love my children, and to see what it is doing to them, BREAKS my heart. They were all in BLISS because, truly, I know how to behave and treat a man right. This is all a huge shock, even to the children. This is RARE and I know it. Usually there is coldness and fighting, but truthfully, I am an awesome wife despite the rejection I've been a victim of. Full disclosure: I have had my moments of rage, but they are private. And The Husband agrees that I've been nothing but good to him these past 20 years (his words). I've been holding it together to take the high road. I'm nice to my husband at home and affectionate. (Not lying.) That's what I do in public and at home. So this is DEVASTATING for my children.
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Post by h on Jan 14, 2018 9:01:48 GMT -5
greatcoastal Thank you. For the onlookers, greatcoastal and I met in person two nights ago and so he knows more pieces of my story. My son at the Naval Academy is devastated. He failed two classes when he heard about what's going on at home. (He is brilliant. This is really impacting him.) I love my children, and to see what it is doing to them, BREAKS my heart. They were all in BLISS because, truly, I know how to behave and treat a man right. This is all a huge shock, even to the children. This is RARE and I know it. Usually there is coldness and fighting, but truthfully, I am an awesome wife despite the rejection I've been a victim of. Full disclosure: I have had my moments of rage, but they are private. And The Husband agrees that I've been nothing but good to him these past 20 years (his words). I've been holding it together to take the high road. I'm nice to my husband at home and affectionate. (Not lying.) That's what I do in public and at home. So this is DEVASTATING for my children. Is your oldest mature enough to handle the truth? He's technically an adult who is old enough to vote and serve our country. Maybe you should explain why this is happening. Knowing could take some of the shock out of it and let him focus on his studies.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 14, 2018 9:04:16 GMT -5
I think baza made the choices clear. How you act now will have a direct impact on how much civility there is during the divorce process. Talk to shamwow about that too. If your goal is for a peaceful split, tread lightly. Peaceful splits are hard to do. Like war between nations, when the veneer of civility has been stripped away things can get nasty really quick. Retaliation can become the go-to when reconciliation is no longer possible. The more prepared you are for this process the better you can keep your cool when your stbx blows their top. And that WILL happen. Have ab exit plan, consult an attorney, get some cash saved up, shore up your emotional support network. Most importantly of all? Be kind to the person you're leaving. By the time you tell them it's over, likely you have hate and anger in spades. Let go of that shit. Try to forgive them. Not for them, but for you... So you can move on. Some refuses are truly nasty people and you can't make them change (and for the love of God we've tried). All you can control or change is yourself. I say this waxing philosophically from the Watergate hotel in Washington DC. Last night I met ballofconfusion's two older boys. It went off great. We all got along and spent the majority of the time laughing. They two well grounded college boys who want their mom to be happy. Good kids. I've got some more to say on this but I'll put it in my T-minus thread. Right now I'm looking at my lady step out of the shower. We are both completely, uh, relaxed. We are going to breakfast with her oldest son and then will spend the day at the Smithsonian. Life is pretty good right now. Mainly because I've tried to be kind. Just my 2 cents.
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