Post by surfergirl on Jan 12, 2018 22:08:28 GMT -5
Hi all.
I decided to condense my story into one space. Not so my tears will fit into a bucket at the bottom of the thread, but so that you don't have to deal with incomplete info.
The only person I can fix is myself, which is a happy and sad thought at the same time. For the sake of efficiency, I'd like to lay it out fairly (were it possible). While I like sympathy, I already have a therapist and best friend. What I need is clarity on the stuff I can control from people who've seen these dance moves before.
I married him 21 years ago, and we were both virgins due to religious beliefs. It took a few days to consummate the marriage because he couldn't get it up. I didn't know back then that that was weird.
I aggressively pursued him for sex daily (sometimes several times a day) for a few years. This was bad on me -- it was too aggressive, too much, and I didn't "get" the message to back off -- because I had this script in my head that, "All men like sex." I didn't know his performance was uncommon (like 80-90% failure rate) because I didn't have anything to compare it to.
He was masturbating to porn every night for years. He agreed to quit so that maybe it could "work" with me. I think he really struggled with his addiction and had a few relapses, but he did finally kick it.
Instead of our sex life improving, we remained in the same holding pattern: I throw a fit, he caves in and lets me give him a blow job, and then we go sexless for another 6-8 weeks with promises to take care of me in between, but never materializing. Sometimes the dry spells lasted 6-7 months after I had a baby.
He agrees with this story.
He says that he just "shut down" that part of his life, and every argument it was different excuse. My fault in this is that I participated and kept having the same argument. I thought complaining was doing something about it. Sometimes I'd throw down the gauntlet and demand he go into therapy, but he would quit after one or two sessions.
About a year and a half ago, I put divorce papers on the patio table. He shrugged at first, but then got his butt into gear when he realized I was serious. The begging, pleading, fighting, gift giving, "romantic" getaways, phone calls started. He tried to have sex with me and got testosterone and viagra, which helped tremendously at first. We had our first time doing it THREE days in a row. 20 years of marriage and we'd never done that. Please re-read that-- not three times in one day, I mean one time on three consecutive days. On the fourth night, as he was leaving the bedroom, I asked where he was going because AHEM.... He said, "Can't you just BACK OFF?!"
That was a set back. He insists that I over-reacted to that statement, and I own that I tend to be highly sensitive to anything I perceive as rejection. I go on the attack when I'm triggered. He retreats.
We have five kids at home. We actually get along really great, and no, I'm not lying. We make very, very good business partners. Our personalities are complementary when I'm not triggered and coming on too strong and he's not being a pansy. Our kids are very smart and successful, and we are The Example Family.
He wants a redo. He is asking me to remarry him and start over. I worked on this idea with my therapist on how to stop counter-refusing, restart initiating, and do the behaviors that would make this easy for him to show up to the marriage. (He is diagnosed as Dismissive Avoidant.) Yet, I am pissed and don't want to be with someone that I had to manipulate into having sex with me. He is SWEARING that he is ALL IN and begging, begging, begging. And to be fair, he is pulling out all the stops. He has stayed in individual therapy for about a year now.
He travels for work, so it's not like it's hell living with him. We barely see one another, and when we do, we are kind and polite. We have multiple residences and an airplane to get around, so it's not like some hellish nightmare with fighting and screaming. We'd both take a reduction in lifestyle if we do this, but I really don't think he's protesting the divorce because of that. I really think he knows that even if he is wealthy, I am a good deal for him. He values intelligent conversation, so I don't see him trading me in for a bimbo. (And besides, what will he do with her? Have sex?)
Which brings me to the affair partner. I outsourced a few months ago. I chose him very, very carefully (or so I thought). I chose a pillar of the community, good guy, great reputation, divorced, my age. Turns out, he has a 23-year-old girlfriend (and won't get rid of her). He is choosing her over me and my mind feels like it's going to FUCKING EXPLODE. To be fair to him, I did voice that out loud, and that was very poor move on my part. There has to be some energy of mine there that is super off-putting and unattractive over being beat out by a little girl who still lives at home with her parents. And the worst part, I keep going back because the sex is REALLY REALLY REALLY hot. We do not have a relationship outside of hooking up, and even then, it's only been five times. (Best five times of my life, though. Ugh.)
I almost wish I didn't know. But it's like a secret and now I know the secret. There is such a thing as CHEMISTRY and it is AWESOME.
So, according to this forum, I chose Door Number Three: Stay and Outsource. However, I live in a small town, and I have no idea how to get a different Affair Partner. Nor do I want a different one. I want the super super super HOT SEX with the guy who is playing me and feeding me crumbs. Pathetic.
^^That right there is something I need to change and it is my work to do it. But I don't know HOW.
Also, I want to be fair to The Husband. What if he really is serious? How will I know? Behavior, right? Well, what do I do? To my shame, I did put a quota of twice a week as a condition for staying. Ugh. It just feels...not good. He swears he wants to have sex without the quota and that he'd be lost without me. The kids hated ME when we told them about the divorce papers. I refuse to talk to my kids about my sexless marriage, so they think our marriage is great (their words).
I guess that's enough for now. Please send me any thoughts of challenge or clarity. I welcome the feedback and want to grow and develop as a person and partner.
I decided to condense my story into one space. Not so my tears will fit into a bucket at the bottom of the thread, but so that you don't have to deal with incomplete info.
The only person I can fix is myself, which is a happy and sad thought at the same time. For the sake of efficiency, I'd like to lay it out fairly (were it possible). While I like sympathy, I already have a therapist and best friend. What I need is clarity on the stuff I can control from people who've seen these dance moves before.
I married him 21 years ago, and we were both virgins due to religious beliefs. It took a few days to consummate the marriage because he couldn't get it up. I didn't know back then that that was weird.
I aggressively pursued him for sex daily (sometimes several times a day) for a few years. This was bad on me -- it was too aggressive, too much, and I didn't "get" the message to back off -- because I had this script in my head that, "All men like sex." I didn't know his performance was uncommon (like 80-90% failure rate) because I didn't have anything to compare it to.
He was masturbating to porn every night for years. He agreed to quit so that maybe it could "work" with me. I think he really struggled with his addiction and had a few relapses, but he did finally kick it.
Instead of our sex life improving, we remained in the same holding pattern: I throw a fit, he caves in and lets me give him a blow job, and then we go sexless for another 6-8 weeks with promises to take care of me in between, but never materializing. Sometimes the dry spells lasted 6-7 months after I had a baby.
He agrees with this story.
He says that he just "shut down" that part of his life, and every argument it was different excuse. My fault in this is that I participated and kept having the same argument. I thought complaining was doing something about it. Sometimes I'd throw down the gauntlet and demand he go into therapy, but he would quit after one or two sessions.
About a year and a half ago, I put divorce papers on the patio table. He shrugged at first, but then got his butt into gear when he realized I was serious. The begging, pleading, fighting, gift giving, "romantic" getaways, phone calls started. He tried to have sex with me and got testosterone and viagra, which helped tremendously at first. We had our first time doing it THREE days in a row. 20 years of marriage and we'd never done that. Please re-read that-- not three times in one day, I mean one time on three consecutive days. On the fourth night, as he was leaving the bedroom, I asked where he was going because AHEM.... He said, "Can't you just BACK OFF?!"
That was a set back. He insists that I over-reacted to that statement, and I own that I tend to be highly sensitive to anything I perceive as rejection. I go on the attack when I'm triggered. He retreats.
We have five kids at home. We actually get along really great, and no, I'm not lying. We make very, very good business partners. Our personalities are complementary when I'm not triggered and coming on too strong and he's not being a pansy. Our kids are very smart and successful, and we are The Example Family.
He wants a redo. He is asking me to remarry him and start over. I worked on this idea with my therapist on how to stop counter-refusing, restart initiating, and do the behaviors that would make this easy for him to show up to the marriage. (He is diagnosed as Dismissive Avoidant.) Yet, I am pissed and don't want to be with someone that I had to manipulate into having sex with me. He is SWEARING that he is ALL IN and begging, begging, begging. And to be fair, he is pulling out all the stops. He has stayed in individual therapy for about a year now.
He travels for work, so it's not like it's hell living with him. We barely see one another, and when we do, we are kind and polite. We have multiple residences and an airplane to get around, so it's not like some hellish nightmare with fighting and screaming. We'd both take a reduction in lifestyle if we do this, but I really don't think he's protesting the divorce because of that. I really think he knows that even if he is wealthy, I am a good deal for him. He values intelligent conversation, so I don't see him trading me in for a bimbo. (And besides, what will he do with her? Have sex?)
Which brings me to the affair partner. I outsourced a few months ago. I chose him very, very carefully (or so I thought). I chose a pillar of the community, good guy, great reputation, divorced, my age. Turns out, he has a 23-year-old girlfriend (and won't get rid of her). He is choosing her over me and my mind feels like it's going to FUCKING EXPLODE. To be fair to him, I did voice that out loud, and that was very poor move on my part. There has to be some energy of mine there that is super off-putting and unattractive over being beat out by a little girl who still lives at home with her parents. And the worst part, I keep going back because the sex is REALLY REALLY REALLY hot. We do not have a relationship outside of hooking up, and even then, it's only been five times. (Best five times of my life, though. Ugh.)
I almost wish I didn't know. But it's like a secret and now I know the secret. There is such a thing as CHEMISTRY and it is AWESOME.
So, according to this forum, I chose Door Number Three: Stay and Outsource. However, I live in a small town, and I have no idea how to get a different Affair Partner. Nor do I want a different one. I want the super super super HOT SEX with the guy who is playing me and feeding me crumbs. Pathetic.
^^That right there is something I need to change and it is my work to do it. But I don't know HOW.
Also, I want to be fair to The Husband. What if he really is serious? How will I know? Behavior, right? Well, what do I do? To my shame, I did put a quota of twice a week as a condition for staying. Ugh. It just feels...not good. He swears he wants to have sex without the quota and that he'd be lost without me. The kids hated ME when we told them about the divorce papers. I refuse to talk to my kids about my sexless marriage, so they think our marriage is great (their words).
I guess that's enough for now. Please send me any thoughts of challenge or clarity. I welcome the feedback and want to grow and develop as a person and partner.