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Post by GeekGoddess on Jan 13, 2018 12:30:12 GMT -5
Welcome, surfergirl - I referred to my fling as a series of trysts, or to the gentleman (term used loosely) as FWB. However, my Loverman really was a friend. I think Booty Call may be the right term for your living sex-toy non-affair dude. I don’t believe that throwing caution to the wind is really indicative of insanity, but of desperation. I reached a breaking point. For mine (no kids, but 3 grown stepkids who were all adults living in their own) - I gave him my decision & moved into guest room. I used my trip to a nearby town, to tell my parents of the divorce & then took my happy, desperate ass to the hotel for my revirgin Cherry popping, which I do not regret. Just because you’ve fallen for his therapy, 2 carat reset doesn’t mean he isn’t sincere. Porn addiction really can “break a brain” as much as any other sort (I’m an alcoholic & know lots of addicts of different varieties). I can’t recall right now - you do have a therapist of your own? I think what you need is your own clarity. Your children sound like tyrants (full disclosure- I have never had biological kids, I feel this way about a lot of other peoples kids. Discount my comments as needed) Only you can decide if what he is trying will be enough, & whether his “trying” turns into “doing” or not. I don’t think the booty call helps the marriage resolution but it certainly is understandable as a self-sanity-preservation tactic. I’m out of my SM & I don’t regret that. We had lots less “complications” though - one house, no kids to be considered in custody or visitation, and no joint business. Good luck navigating your deal. Welcome to the group no one wishes to qualify for.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 13, 2018 14:40:53 GMT -5
Lovergirl, what happens if your kids find out about your affair? Do you think that divorcing now your husband would be easier on them? When I was 12, I accidentally learned my dad was having an affair. Incidentally, i never told him I found out. Learning about that shattered my faith in lots of things. I’d long known my parents’ marriage was miserable and sexless as they slept separately. I’d have preferred their divorcing instead of dad’s having affairs.
As for your husband’s progress in therapy: therapy can’t change a person’s basic character. It can’t make s man who doesn’t want sex with you enjoy and want to have sex with you. Presumably you want an eager lover who enjoys making love to you, not one who grits his teeth and fantasizes about porn in order to endure your touch.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 13, 2018 16:02:37 GMT -5
northstarmom I'm getting blamed for filing anyway, and nobody knows about the Hookup. I guess I am not worried about being found out since I get breadcrumbed by the affair/non-affair partner. It's like an hour a month. Not tricky to hide. There's no illicit phone calls or presents or emotional involvement (except on my side). My kids are already MAD about me filing, so I don't know/care if or how it gets worse. (At least, that's my gut reaction without digging deeper. Maybe I'm ignoring dealing with it because I just want sex so bad that I'm doing STUPID stuff.) @geekgoddess Yes, I have my own therapist. Her bottom line is to quit focusing on him and focus on my business. And to stop it with the Hookup Buddy, that I'm not being smart. My best friend and therapist HATE the Hookup Buddy, but I feel defensive to them because I'm like, "DO YOU NOT KNOW what it's like to be constantly rejected and then finally get some crumbs?" They want me to get more than crumbs, but right now, I don't have a third option to fuck and so I'm taking the crumbs.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 13, 2018 16:21:25 GMT -5
Tinder, Ashley Madison, Craigslist Personals,...
This site, SimilarWorlds, Mewe, Facebook adult pages, Fetlife...
There are plenty of ways to find and meet sexual people. Until I found what I wanted, just the hunt and the interaction was enough to give me the hope I needed.
I am not saying just the hunt was enough to keep me satisfied, but it was enough to keep me sane. If I had given up after my discovered Tinder date and gone back into forced celibacy, I would have been dead by Christmas, and I was not going to let that happen.
I think your therapist needs her head examined.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2018 16:43:08 GMT -5
Welcome surfergirl. I’m simultaneously sorry you had cause to seek us and glad you found us, the club no one is proud to be a member of. Kudos to you for coming this far with it, for mustering the courage to ask for a divorce and filing papers. That’s not a step that is taken lightly and many never get there. I asked for a divorce approximately 18 months ago. My H refused and said he’d win me back. There’s been no winning back. I was reset and now I’m getting crumbs while I work up the courage to go through with an actual divorce. I won’t be asking next time. I’ll be telling. Some of your story is similar to mine. I’m here for and because of my kids and the financial security the marriage affords. Though the kids know nothing overt about our difficult marriage, I fear divorce would shatter them. I say “overt” because I know my kids see and feel the dysfunction on some level. It is often said that if you want to know what’s going on in a family, ask the children. I’m certain none of us here are fooling our children. As for the model family, I hear you on that one, but knowing what we know from being in our SMs, I look very differently at all the “model families” in our town and wonder if there is even such a thing. I think the joke is on us and our Fakebook generation. Financial security is nothing to scoff at though. Neither is the emotional health of our children. You may decide you’re better off to stay and cheat. Only you can decide that, and no one here will judge it wrong. I agree that if you’re caught cheating, all the wrongs of your husband will magically disappear, and you will have to take full blame for the demise of the marriage. I’m guessing that’s not an outcome you’d prefer and therefore, something you’ll have to carefully weigh. You’re the expert on your path because of your inside perspective. But, I’ll share my path for the new year. My goal is to stop ruminating on my marriage and start placing the focus on myself and my own personal growth and happiness. In my case, this means that I’m working to validate myself rather than seeking my worth in the eyes, actions, and words of others. SM takes a serious toll on self-esteem, particularly for women, imho. We’re socialized to believe that all men want sex, the more the better, and when we feel we’re the only woman on the block whose husband is not chasing her around the bedroom, we’re left wondering what’s wrong with us. It has left me questioning my attractiveness, my femininity, my intelligence, all of it. I had a deeply emotional affair that restored my confidence as I learned through my AP that I am attractive and intelligent and desirable. However, I’ve backed away from that affair because I want to know those things in my very bones, without needing to be told. Also, that affair was quickly becoming carnal, and I couldn’t see myself having sex with another man besides my husband (I place no judgment on those who seek sex outside a SM, but it’s a very individual choice). Finally, I didn’t want to be caught and have my family go down in a burst of flames rather than be reconfigured in a more conscious manner. I know I have felt in the past I needed to prove that I was attractive or to play it up somehow. Having an affair will give you the fix, but the long term goal is to know your worth and value so deeply that you no longer need it from someone else. To become so secure in your right to happiness and fulfillment that you can leave without fear of retribution. That’s my work for this year. That and being friends with my H, because married or divorced, we’ll always have our children to raise and later, relate to. I wish you happy reading here. It’s a very supportive group and I’ve learned a lot and grown a lot from the kind folks here. Here’s to resolution in 2018!
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 13, 2018 17:20:50 GMT -5
I said I didn't need support, but I lied. The kind words above are cathartic.
I'm so used to denying my own needs that it just flew out of my keyboard without a thought.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jan 13, 2018 17:28:20 GMT -5
I said I didn't need support, but I lied. The kind words above are cathartic. I'm so used to denying my own needs that it just flew out of my keyboard without a thought. When you've had to be strong for so long, it's hard to admit when you want the support that those that have walked simulator journeys can provide.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Jan 13, 2018 17:28:25 GMT -5
I said I didn't need support, but I lied. The kind words above are cathartic. I'm so used to denying my own needs that it just flew out of my keyboard without a thought. The support here is fantastic! I am out of my SM, and had such wonderful support from the former ILIASM board that existed on another site. I've made great connections, and the support and understanding (and tough love when needed!) helped me say I wanted a divorce. It sucks to have to be here, but it is also a place full of amazing, helpful people!
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 13, 2018 17:32:47 GMT -5
I said I didn't need support, but I lied. The kind words above are cathartic. I'm so used to denying my own needs that it just flew out of my keyboard without a thought. Even a rescuer, eventually needs rescuing!
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 14, 2018 0:45:28 GMT -5
UPDATE:
Well, tonight was The Talk. He was given a deadline back in August to get his shit together before February, and this is what he came up with:
1. Viagra refill 2. Rejoined weight watchers again last week 3. Exercised for one week 4. Restarted therapy with a new therapist last week 5. Asked for a getaway this upcoming week
Thanks to this forum, I am savvy now about THE RESET and I refused. I restated my request for an open marriage again and he refused. We have an appointment to divide assets on Tuesday.
Here's my question. Since I'm going to get the blame from the kids because he claims he ADORES me and want to work it out, what if I try a FOURTH option?
We already have separate bedrooms and a full travel schedule, so no change there. What if I just tell him I am getting a boyfriend to fuck and that's that? In our state, adultery doesn't hurt my financial options. I told him I was GOING to, and he didn't believe me, and then I ended up with the secret affair/non-affair partner who dumped me for a 23-year-old......BUT......what if I just POINT BLANK tell him on Thursday that I'm going on a date. And have a good night.
I don't think he can blab and tell on me because I have the TRUMP card: he shut me down for 21 years. He abandoned me emotionally (no happy birthdays), physically (traveled up to three weeks a month), and sexually and I sat there crying and begging for 20 years. [Again, he 100% agrees with this narrative. Where he differs is that he believes he is making up for it by going to the doctor to get viagra.]
Thoughts? Feedback? Blindspots?
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Post by james on Jan 14, 2018 3:25:18 GMT -5
It could work. But it could have unintended consequences, such as making your marriage even more of a toxic wasteland than it already is and/or precipitating a divorce more quickly. One other comment. As was pointed out to me, these whole scenarios are deadly serious with huge amounts at stake. It is very important not to take up a position that you subsequently draw back from, because you lose credibility in the eyes of your husband and that matters. Some on here would say that if you serve divorce papers then you should follow through. If you threaten something then you have to mean it. Words count for absolutely nothing in the Iliasm deal. It is only actions that count.
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Post by baza on Jan 14, 2018 4:35:22 GMT -5
UPDATE: Well, tonight was The Talk. He was given a deadline back in August to get his shit together before February, and this is what he came up with: 1. Viagra refill 2. Rejoined weight watchers again last week 3. Exercised for one week 4. Restarted therapy with a new therapist last week 5. Asked for a getaway this upcoming week Thanks to this forum, I am savvy now about THE RESET and I refused. I restated my request for an open marriage again and he refused. We have an appointment to divide assets on Tuesday. Here's my question. Since I'm going to get the blame from the kids because he claims he ADORES me and want to work it out, what if I try a FOURTH option? We already have separate bedrooms and a full travel schedule, so no change there. What if I just tell him I am getting a boyfriend to fuck and that's that? In our state, adultery doesn't hurt my financial options. I told him I was GOING to, and he didn't believe me, and then I ended up with the secret affair/non-affair partner who dumped me for a 23-year-old......BUT......what if I just POINT BLANK tell him on Thursday that I'm going on a date. And have a good night. I don't think he can blab and tell on me because I have the TRUMP card: he shut me down for 21 years. He abandoned me emotionally (no happy birthdays), physically (traveled up to three weeks a month), and sexually and I sat there crying and begging for 20 years. [Again, he 100% agrees with this narrative. Where he differs is that he believes he is making up for it by going to the doctor to get viagra.] Thoughts? Feedback? Blindspots? I think the cheating issue (whether it is actually still happening or now merely proposed) is a sidebar to the main game here. It has nothing directly to do with the future, if any, of your marriage. Your marriage is the core and central problem. The cheating is not the core problem, it is a sidebar, an entirely separate issue, requiring an entirely different solution. I would suggest that you scrub this new bloke (if he hasn't already scrubbed you) and any replacement bloke you may have in mind at this point. You don't need this additional problem on top of the core problem. Now, do you want an orderly split up of assets when you disuss this with your spouse on Tuesday ? Do you want to wind this up with consideration and respect in as orderly a fashion as possible, preserving as much goodwill as possible given you are both going to have an ongoing relationship as co-parents to your kids ? Or do you want to turn it into a shit fight ? If you want a shit fight, then sure, tell him on Thursday that you are going on a date. For that matter, bring some bloke home and fuck him on the couch if you like. Personally, I don't see an upside to making the process any more adversarial than necessary. If you can negotiate the split of assets in an adult and equitable manner, that is a HUGE tick in the *win* column,and puts you well on the way to bringing your deal to final resolution. With that in mind, a trade off of suspending any cheating for the moment while you resolve the core problem appears to be a pretty good deal. And hopefully, has you coming out the other end with your dignity and reputation intact. And then - you can root whoever you like, as an available single woman.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 14, 2018 6:22:05 GMT -5
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Post by h on Jan 14, 2018 7:36:54 GMT -5
I think baza made the choices clear. How you act now will have a direct impact on how much civility there is during the divorce process. Talk to shamwow about that too. If your goal is for a peaceful split, tread lightly.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2018 7:48:16 GMT -5
I’m with baza on this one. And I’ll reiterate: ...if you’re caught cheating, all the wrongs of your husband will magically disappear, and you will have to take full blame for the demise of the marriage. And, it could simply make the process a battleground rather than a conscious and, ideally, peaceful unraveling of your family. I can’t see any advantage to mention another man except revenge. I understand wanting revenge because I want it too sometimes! My H stole the best years of my life and made them sexless. Except that when I calm down, I realize that I LET him do that. He’s done the best he could, it just wasn’t right for me. But staying is on me. And like I said before, I know I’ll always have to have a relationship with the father of my children. Best to keep it peaceful so the kids one day invite both of us to their weddings. I’m glad you’re moving forward though. Good luck to you and remember, there’s not a thing wrong with you except that you stayed. You’re beautiful, intelligent, desirable. Get free of this marriage and go find someone who deserves you!
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