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Post by surfergirl on Jan 14, 2018 9:19:16 GMT -5
h I remember my mother talking to me about her sex life (in order to get me on her side). It was GROSS. I am just unwilling to talk to my 19-year-old son about my sex life. It's just weird. And feels inappropriate to me. As a sidebar, I'm so proud of my son at USNA. He had full rides -- room, board, tuition, and stipend -- as a white male anywhere in the state. He chose to go to the Naval Academy (7% acceptance rate), and my heart bursts with pride. I homeschooled him until high school, and so -- with all of this fucked up story -- I just want to say that I did something right. I'm not begging for validation. I'm just saying that my kids really are incredible, and to think that this divorce will throw my other kids off the rails -- is not an understatement. Arrogant thing to say. I know. I'm just baring the brutal ugliness of my soul right now. shamwow Thank you. I've already consulted an attorney and the divorce was finalized. Then he pulled a RESET on me and I caved. So it's just a matter of refiling and waiting six weeks.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 14, 2018 9:21:24 GMT -5
greatcoastal Thank you. For the onlookers, greatcoastal and I met in person two nights ago and so he knows more pieces of my story. My son at the Naval Academy is devastated. He failed two classes when he heard about what's going on at home. (He is brilliant. This is really impacting him.) I love my children, and to see what it is doing to them, BREAKS my heart. They were all in BLISS because, truly, I know how to behave and treat a man right. This is all a huge shock, even to the children. This is RARE and I know it. Usually there is coldness and fighting, but truthfully, I am an awesome wife despite the rejection I've been a victim of. Full disclosure: I have had my moments of rage, but they are private. And The Husband agrees that I've been nothing but good to him these past 20 years (his words). I've been holding it together to take the high road. I'm nice to my husband at home and affectionate. (Not lying.) That's what I do in public and at home. So this is DEVASTATING for my children. Your wonderful, caring children are responding naturally. Just like you did when the FOG hit. When you realized that you have been played, living in a SM for decades- just like myself- and others on here. I exposed the truth with talks with my kids. They saw the truth, and have openly disclosed several of there own "me too" feelings about there mom. You too deserve and need that affirmation from them. it can be tricky. Some hide it and will bury it, others speak more openly. It takes time. You have already had a year of change thrust upon you in two days. Take it slow, take a season. Give your kids a season, stick your foot in the water. You have been through devastation (hell and back) for a reason. It makes you strong. Strength you can pass along for your children. "I went through Hell!" The key is "THROUGH" do not stop ,keep going ,wipe off the smokey smell take a deep breath of the new clean air! You can't step into a coal mine wearing a whit suit not touch anything and expect to come out all clean. Your kids need to learn that too! PS." I have had my moments of rage" lets re word that " I do get angry". Everyone has a God given right to get angry. it's healthy. You have been far to passive for to long. it's time for some taking, some receiving.
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Post by h on Jan 14, 2018 9:22:29 GMT -5
I think baza made the choices clear. How you act now will have a direct impact on how much civility there is during the divorce process. Talk to shamwow about that too. If your goal is for a peaceful split, tread lightly. Peaceful splits are hard to do. Like war between nations, when the veneer of civility has been stripped away things can get nasty really quick. Retaliation can become the go-to when reconciliation is no longer possible. The more prepared you are for this process the better you can keep your cool when your stbx blows their top. And that WILL happen. Have ab exit plan, consult an attorney, get some cash saved up, shore up your emotional support network. Most importantly of all? Be kind to the person you're leaving. By the time you tell them it's over, likely you have hate and anger in spades. Let go of that shit. Try to forgive them. Not for them, but for you... So you can move on. Some refuses are truly nasty people and you can't make them change (and for the love of God we've tried). All you can control or change is yourself. I say this waxing philosophically from the Watergate hotel in Washington DC. Last night I met ballofconfusion 's two older boys. It went off great. We all got along and spent the majority of the time laughing. They two well grounded college boys who want their mom to be happy. Good kids. I've got some more to say on this but I'll put it in my T-minus thread. Right now I'm looking at my lady step out of the shower. We are both completely, uh, relaxed. We are going to breakfast with her oldest son and then will spend the day at the Smithsonian. Life is pretty good right now. Mainly because I've tried to be kind. Just my 2 cents. I would also add: be kind for your kids sake. The less animosity you have during the process, the better they will adjust. It will be hard on them but they will get over it. What you want to avoid is them painting either of you as the aggressor or the victim.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 14, 2018 9:38:15 GMT -5
“Is your oldest mature enough to handle the truth? He's technically an adult who is old enough to vote and serve our country. Maybe you should explain why this is happening. Knowing could take some of the shock out of it and let him focus on his studies.”
Her kids are old enough to know the truth. Yes, given the op’s behavior as a devoted spouse over the years, it will come as a shock to the kids to learn that what they were seeing was only the veneer covering a troubled marriage. Better for them to learn the truth — the marriage has no physical intimacy — than to think their mom either suddenly lost her mind or selfishly for no reason decided to dump their devoted dad.
Fwiw, my post sm’s oartner’s parents divorced when he was about 6. He also remembers before the divorce riding around one night with his dad, who was searching for his mom. They found her in a car with another man. Years later, when my guy was in college and his mom was dying of cancer, he asked her why the divorce happened. She told him with great embarrassment that his dad was a traveling salesmen and would be gone all week. When he came home, he’d go to his mom’s not to his wife who “ “wanted to have more children” but because of her husband’s spending time with his mommy couldn’t. Ahem. Sounds like a sexless or sexually incompatible marriage.
My guy has never condemned his mom for the divorce or cheating. He has spoken of her as a loving mom, intelligent, beauty queen beautiful and as a woman who clearly liked sex. Indeed, he remembers she had boyfriends who slept over. My guy says he always assumedcwomen liked sex and should like sex. After all, his beloved mom did. And he is the best lover I’ve ever had because he takes such pleasure in pleasing me.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 14, 2018 9:41:39 GMT -5
h I remember my mother talking to me about her sex life (in order to get me on her side). It was GROSS. I am just unwilling to talk to my 19-year-old son about my sex life. It's just weird. And feels inappropriate to me. You don't have to go there with him. There are plenty of other control issues that give you justification to end the marriage. You can share them with him with an open, cautious " I don't want this to happen to you. I love you, and am concerned about you, I need your strength and forgiveness right now" perspective. You have to get out of your comfort zone and take some risk. The rewards can be immeasurable! (Amazing how that goes back to being vulnerable, submissive, open. Giving first so you can receive two fold) Sadly children have three options. Be a controller like one parent. be a co-dependent like one parent. Or hopefully be a well rounded person who learned from our mistakes! This was a major reason for me to follow through for my teens. Hoping I can turn make it to a new shore and show them "hope" and leaving a sinking ship. PS. If you've lived over 20 yrs in a SM (like me) your probably not used to talking sex anyways, especially with family. (again, that's normal, but may be necessary, give it your best. that's all that's expected. it will no longer be your problem)
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Post by hopingforachange on Jan 14, 2018 9:42:53 GMT -5
h I remember my mother talking to me about her sex life (in order to get me on her side). It was GROSS. I am just unwilling to talk to my 19-year-old son about my sex life. It's just weird. And feels inappropriate to me. As a sidebar, I'm so proud of my son at USNA. He had full rides -- room, board, tuition, and stipend -- as a white male anywhere in the state. He chose to go to the Naval Academy (7% acceptance rate), and my heart bursts with pride. I homeschooled him until high school, and so -- with all of this fucked up story -- I just want to say that I did something right. I'm not begging for validation. I'm just saying that my kids really are incredible, and to think that this divorce will throw my other kids off the rails -- is not an understatement. Arrogant thing to say. I know. I'm just baring the brutal ugliness of my soul right now. shamwow Thank you. I've already consulted an attorney and the divorce was finalized. Then he pulled a RESET on me and I caved. So it's just a matter of refiling and waiting six weeks. You were unwilling to listen to your mom, what if she was warning you about what happened in her marriage? Would you rather be uncomfortable to talk to your adult son for a little while, or risk having him go thru what you did for 20 years? You don't have to be graphic, but put it in a way that you what to help him learn from your mistakes.
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Post by h on Jan 14, 2018 9:48:16 GMT -5
h I remember my mother talking to me about her sex life (in order to get me on her side). It was GROSS. I am just unwilling to talk to my 19-year-old son about my sex life. It's just weird. And feels inappropriate to me. As a sidebar, I'm so proud of my son at USNA. He had full rides -- room, board, tuition, and stipend -- as a white male anywhere in the state. He chose to go to the Naval Academy (7% acceptance rate), and my heart bursts with pride. I homeschooled him until high school, and so -- with all of this fucked up story -- I just want to say that I did something right. I'm not begging for validation. I'm just saying that my kids really are incredible, and to think that this divorce will throw my other kids off the rails -- is not an understatement. Arrogant thing to say. I know. I'm just baring the brutal ugliness of my soul right now. shamwow Thank you. I've already consulted an attorney and the divorce was finalized. Then he pulled a RESET on me and I caved. So it's just a matter of refiling and waiting six weeks. You don't have to get into details with him. In fact, you can say it exactly like that. There are almost no details to tell. There are ways of getting a point across without saying anything specific. Don't talk about the terrible sex life. Talk about the terrible loneliness you feel because you aren't desired by the man you have been faithful to for 20 years of neglect. Tell him that you have been putting on a happy act for the sake of the family but you just don't have it in you to keep up the charade any longer. Tell him that he's not a child anymore and has a right to hear the truth if he wants to hear it. Tell him that you don't want to tell him anything he doesn't want to hear so he has the option to avoid the awkwardness. He should know that you aren't doing this on a whim and only as last resort after dealing with more pain than you can handle. Go slowly with the conversation and gauge as you go how much you are willing to say and also how much he is willing to listen to.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 14, 2018 9:57:10 GMT -5
“I remember my mother talking to me about her sex life (in order to get me on her side). It was GROSS. I am just unwilling to talk to my 19-year-old son about my sex life. It's just weird. And feels inappropriate to me.”
I don’t think it’s inapproptiate to say that while sex is normally a part of marriage and is for many the deepest part of intimacy, it has been missing for years in your marriage due to your husband’s disinterest. I don’t think that it would be inappropriate to say that’s why you are divorcing: the marriage has basically been a cordial roommate/ child rearing arrangement and its time for you to move in.
Not telling him could lead to his reading that anyone who loves him could abandon him for no reason.
How did your son get his sex education and did you provide any? I was the one who gave my sons the facts of life by talking with them and giving them age appropriate books. I also told them that sex was an important and loving part of relationships of adults who were responsible enough to support any babies that happened. I remember that one son at about age 12 did ask if his dad and I did it and how often. Although truth was that at most we were doing it once a year, I wanted my son to know that sex occurred innmarriages and was normal and healthy, so I told him sex was part of our marriage but talking about the exact details was too personal to share. When the kids were grown I learned that my husband had never talked about sex with them.
I have noticed that some mature adult friends who have indicated they enjoy sex with their spouse have also said that they knew their parents had sex lives. One recently told me that her mom who is in her early 80s has indicated my friend’s dad still can perform. The parents, incidentally, practice a conservative Christian faith.
Anyway, I do agree with you that it would be gross and inappropriate if a parent would share with kids exact details of their sex life. I don’t think it would be inappropriate for a parent to share with an adult offspring that they were sexually compatible with their mate or were leaving a marriage due to lack of sexual intimacy. If you told your son about the lack of sexual intimacy in your marriage, you could also tell him you don’t want him to take sides and shun his father. You simply want your son to understand your reasons for divorcing. You could tell him you hope he will remain close to you and his dad.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 14, 2018 11:05:40 GMT -5
Good advice, all.
Thank you.
I think am/was projecting with my mother telling me about her sex life. She is a liar and clinically crazy, so it just felt like a VIOLATION when she abused us with graphic details. She punched, kicked, and beat us mercilessly, and this was just another weapon -- lack of sexual boundaries -- that she forced on us.
I dismissed everything she said because it wasn't a warning. She was psycho and still is.
I see what you all are saying about how to say it appropriately. I've avoided it because of my history. And that's on me. I have an obligation to act correctly and not project.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 14, 2018 11:25:23 GMT -5
I say this waxing philosophically from the Watergate hotel in Washington DC. Last night I met ballofconfusion 's two older boys. It went off great. We all got along and spent the majority of the time laughing. Wait. What? So you and someone else on this forum are having a steamy affair? Do tell.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 14, 2018 11:35:16 GMT -5
I say this waxing philosophically from the Watergate hotel in Washington DC. Last night I met ballofconfusion 's two older boys. It went off great. We all got along and spent the majority of the time laughing. Wait. What? So you and someone else on this forum are having a steamy affair? Do tell. A few of us. Shamwow and BallOfConfusion, and me and idgaf96. In our case, we did not meet here, but on another sexless marriage forum. I am not sure who else, but I know there are others.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Jan 14, 2018 11:42:44 GMT -5
I say this waxing philosophically from the Watergate hotel in Washington DC. Last night I met ballofconfusion 's two older boys. It went off great. We all got along and spent the majority of the time laughing. Wait. What? So you and someone else on this forum are having a steamy affair? Do tell. The T-minus thread has their story, starts about halfway through: iliasm.org/thread/3061/minus
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 14, 2018 11:44:17 GMT -5
Thank you. I'm new here and just catching on.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 14, 2018 11:58:45 GMT -5
Long distance relationships suck, but they can work for a while. The internet makes it easy to find people we can connect with, and easier to be a part of their lives even being hundreds of miles apart. Also, plane tickets are cheap.
It is ironic that to people half a country apart will figure out how to make things work, but the ones we live with won't.
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Post by idgaf96 on Jan 14, 2018 13:16:53 GMT -5
Long distance relationships suck, but they can work for a while. The internet makes it easy to find people we can connect with, and easier to be a part of their lives even being hundreds of miles apart. Also, plane tickets are cheap. It is ironic that to people half a country apart will figure out how to make things work, but the ones we live with won't. I'd do about anything to see you
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