sarah
New Member
Posts: 14
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Post by sarah on Nov 11, 2017 3:12:42 GMT -5
Just had a blazing row with him. Apparently it was my fault for not going to his room to fetch him for sex. I didn’t go to his room because he had already fallen asleep. He now says it’s my fault because I said no the last few times. I have said no because I am sick and tired of being rejected over and over. But this has given him ammunition against me. He had told me previously don’t approach me for sex, I will approach you. Then he actually didn’t and if he did suggest sex he fell asleep before anything could happen.
Now everything feels bad because we have argued. He has walked off. Didn’t bother addressing anything. Didn’t respond to me saying I want sex somewhere else. He just doesn’t care. He thinks he cares because he makes me cups of tea and buys me things.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 11, 2017 4:48:37 GMT -5
Just had a blazing row with him... ...Now everything feels bad because we have argued. He has walked off. Didn’t bother addressing anything. Didn’t respond to me saying I want sex somewhere else. He just doesn’t care. He thinks he cares because he makes me cups of tea and buys me things. I suspect everything felt bad before the argument, too, and your assessment that he does not care in right on the money. Assuming sex even happened, do you think it would it be because he actually wanted to connect with you the way you want, or just to shut you up? In my case, it has always been the latter.
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Post by M2G on Nov 11, 2017 7:21:19 GMT -5
He had told me previously don’t approach me for sex, I will approach you. Well - what a DICK! That alone makes me think controlling narcissistic personality disorder.Here's an ambiguously worded reply for him: "Fuck Me! I don't want any tea!" To be serious though, NPD can be a very dangerous thing. Please be careful.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 11, 2017 7:34:37 GMT -5
Just had a blazing row with him. Apparently it was my fault for not going to his room to fetch him for sex. I didn’t go to his room because he had already fallen asleep. He now says it’s my fault because I said no the last few times. I have said no because I am sick and tired of being rejected over and over. But this has given him ammunition against me. He had told me previously don’t approach me for sex, I will approach you. Then he actually didn’t and if he did suggest sex he fell asleep before anything could happen. Now everything feels bad because we have argued. He has walked off. Didn’t bother addressing anything. Didn’t respond to me saying I want sex somewhere else. He just doesn’t care. He thinks he cares because he makes me cups of tea and buys me things. Some more information about your marriage would be helpful. Others can give you information and share their own experiences about taking action. What country do you live in? What religion or cultures do you follow? How did you meet? What is your financial background? Your job training? Have you spoken with an attorney? How would a divorce shake out for you? Does your 8 yr old child have special needs? How has/will being in a non loving non communicative, roommate marriage teach your child about what a relationship should be?
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Post by james on Nov 11, 2017 7:48:01 GMT -5
Sarah, you are in a bad way at the moment but it won't always be like that. I think that you should accept this way of life, because that is how it is, it is not going to change. But that does not mean that you are accepting it forever, just accepting it now. I firmly believe that once you have moved to a phase of acceptance, you will feel much happier, and you will then be in a much better position to decide what you are going to do. You can't do that now, you are too upset. Your sex life with your husband is gone, dead and buried. It will never come back. Accept it.
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 11, 2017 7:48:48 GMT -5
Just had a blazing row with him. Apparently it was my fault for not going to his room to fetch him for sex. I didn’t go to his room because he had already fallen asleep. He now says it’s my fault because I said no the last few times. I have said no because I am sick and tired of being rejected over and over. But this has given him ammunition against me. He had told me previously don’t approach me for sex, I will approach you. Then he actually didn’t and if he did suggest sex he fell asleep before anything could happen. Now everything feels bad because we have argued. He has walked off. Didn’t bother addressing anything. Didn’t respond to me saying I want sex somewhere else. He just doesn’t care. He thinks he cares because he makes me cups of tea and buys me things. Try not to feel bad this is on him and none of it is your fault. He will always try to twist things in his favor at least when it comes to sex because deep down he knows he is wrong. Not wanting sex because of the rejection is a stage and a hurtful one but eventually you graduate to not wanting sex with a refuser because you no longer desire them that way and there is freedom with that. He is getting the marriage and relationship he wants, you need to find peace and make it the one you want. If I remember correctly you are staying for the kids and so you need to focus on yourself, do things with friends, and honestly if you want to have sex screw the wedding vows they have already been broken by him, you will have no problem finding an amazing lover to have on the side and enhance your life while you figure things out.
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Post by Caris on Nov 11, 2017 9:40:56 GMT -5
Just had a blazing row with him. Apparently it was my fault for not going to his room to fetch him for sex. I didn’t go to his room because he had already fallen asleep. He now says it’s my fault because I said no the last few times. I have said no because I am sick and tired of being rejected over and over. But this has given him ammunition against me. He had told me previously don’t approach me for sex, I will approach you. Then he actually didn’t and if he did suggest sex he fell asleep before anything could happen. Now everything feels bad because we have argued. He has walked off. Didn’t bother addressing anything. Didn’t respond to me saying I want sex somewhere else. He just doesn’t care. He thinks he cares because he makes me cups of tea and buys me things. He does sound like a narcissist. They will make everything your fault, even when evidence to the contrary is staring them in the face. They will twist the truth to always put them in a good light while making you seem like the villain. They play games with your mind, and you will lose yourself if you stay with this abuse. I spent 25-years with one, and 2.5-years after divorce, I’m still trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered self.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 11, 2017 10:23:43 GMT -5
“Just had a blazing row with him. Apparently it was my fault for not going to his room to fetch him for sex. I didn’t go to his room because he had already fallen asleep.”
If he had wanted sex with you, he would have been awake and assertive about it. He was not interested so fell asleep. He is blaming you to hide the fact that he is not interested in sexing you. The argument also will help him avoid sex because you aren’t likely to raise the subject again for a long time. When you do, he will blame you and cite the argument.
If you want a good sex life, you will need a different partner than him.
If you have to beg, explain, threaten or argue to get someone to have sex with you, they are not compatible with you and are not capable of providing mutually enjoyable sex for you. You can not change him.
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 11, 2017 10:52:20 GMT -5
sarah, adding to some excellent feedback already, I'll point out the obvious that's not always so apparent when you're the one in the thick of things... If he was actually interested in sex, and not just a tolerant participant, he would have sought you out. Horny guys do not routinely fall asleep when sex is on the agenda; I've had many a sleepless night just because there was the smallest hint my W might be open to some late-night action. He's shifting the blame to you as a way to deflect from his own failure, rather than owning the reality. This is an emotionally immature way to handle conflict. The reality is that he is so disinterested in sex that he can't stay awake for it. Don't feel bad for bringing this issue into the light and forcing a discussion. It needs to be done or there will never be a resolution one way or another. If he's anything like most of our spouses, he prefers the status-quo; you *have* to be the one to rock the boat, because he isn't being man enough to deal with an obvious marital issue.
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sarah
New Member
Posts: 14
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Post by sarah on Nov 11, 2017 17:16:03 GMT -5
He wants to make things up with me now and has offered sex. Part of me is filled with hope and the other part is upset thinking is this what I have to do to get sex from my husband? Get angry, argue and cry because of the times he has let me down in regards to this.
Thank you for all the support on here. It makes a huge difference and I had no idea there were so many of us going through the same miserable thing.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 11, 2017 17:36:23 GMT -5
“Part of me is filled with hope and the other part is upset thinking is this what I have to do to get sex from my husband? Get angry, argue and cry because of the times he has let me down in regards to this. “
Someone who is sexually attracted to you and is compatible with you would not need to be convinced by your crying and begging. He probably caved in only because he wants to continue the marital benefits he really enjoys.
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Post by baza on Nov 11, 2017 17:40:51 GMT -5
"If", you end up getting a root after all this bullshit jumping through hoops and debasing yourself, it would need to be - The. Best. Fuck. You. Have. Ever. Had. In. Your. Entire. Life. - as the pay off.
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 11, 2017 18:07:31 GMT -5
He wants to make things up with me now and has offered sex. Part of me is filled with hope and the other part is upset thinking is this what I have to do to get sex from my husband? Get angry, argue and cry because of the times he has let me down in regards to this. Thank you for all the support on here. It makes a huge difference and I had no idea there were so many of us going through the same miserable thing. Take it one step at a time but don't put a lot of hope into changing him or the state of your marriage. Stay realistic for your own sanity. Sometimes acceptance for the greater good is realistic. As well being celibate is not realistic for you either and you owe it to yourself and your happiness to have sex with someone that is all about Sarah's pleasure.
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Post by Apocrypha on Nov 15, 2017 14:59:18 GMT -5
Just had a blazing row with him. Apparently it was my fault for not going to his room to fetch him for sex. I didn’t go to his room because he had already fallen asleep. He now says it’s my fault because I said no the last few times. I have said no because I am sick and tired of being rejected over and over. But this has given him ammunition against me. He had told me previously don’t approach me for sex, I will approach you. Then he actually didn’t and if he did suggest sex he fell asleep before anything could happen. Now everything feels bad because we have argued. He has walked off. Didn’t bother addressing anything. Didn’t respond to me saying I want sex somewhere else. He just doesn’t care. He thinks he cares because he makes me cups of tea and buys me things. Didn't address anything? His goal was to have the argument, as a method of avoiding the sex and divesting himself of agency. And, maybe your own goal was the same at this point. Do you honestly want to fuck him? Your goal isn't the sex so much as it is the expression of his desire, with the sex as a vehicle for that. He offered the sex without the desire. Saying you "want" sex somewhere else is quite a bit different from making the plan to do it, and asking him how invested he wishes to be in the process -offering that as alternative to divorce- on an imminent and defined timeline. That kind of thing tends to bring things to a head one way or another. But threatening, not so much. BTW, if you threatened "someone else", and he walked away - not likely that he doesn't care. But he may take that as an excuse to fuck somebody else - as you have declared what is arguably a change to the rules of your relationship. Might want to get clarity on that - I've seen it happen.
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Post by Apocrypha on Nov 15, 2017 15:24:19 GMT -5
The evidence - it is so difficult to get enough truth from enough admitted refusers to adequately provide evidence I suppose. But in my years, I have discovered that I can open (personal) dialogue with almost anyone and this issue comes up. In almost every case, the couple screwed each other's brains out before the marriage and even some time into the marriage. No obvious sign that desire did not exist. So it would appear that the desire was there. But as time passes, comfort level grows, the lower libido weans from that desire until point of - well where we are with either duty sex, "meh" sex, or no sex. My evidence would be that many refusers will respond when they feel it all slipping away but it remains unimportant to them thus the duty sex and avoidance. I have seen my wife appear empathetic to my desire and need but I'd say really does not quite understand why I have the desire and need (she avoids close contact with most anyone). She admitted to not understanding that this was an ongoing need! - Crazy to me but she tries for my sake. I am here because I know this is not from desire, is not the sex I want and yes I agree, she would have sex with another who turned her on again. But maybe the evidence leans toward they "just lose interest and desire for us" when so many jump into bed with new partners. And eventually that new partner is of low interest as the cycle repeats - these are selfish controlling people. In closing, there are many who do not want to hurt their spouse but once married seem incapable of participating in intimacy and think it alright - unless shown clearly by oftentimes 3rd parties that it is not. Either way and to your point - the desire IS GONE and it ain't comin' back. My next post will be an analogy I typed up last week. WAS there. Isn't now. For you. For me - but not "us". And only conjecture of what happens long term after she's with a different partner. That's the evidence you've got. I've been in a monogamous marriage, I've experienced a portion of time in an open marriage, and after my divorce I've dated dozens of separated and divorced women and one in an affair. And I have an ex wife after a near celibate marriage. Here's what I learned: 1. It is very common for a partner (often the woman I'm dating) to have gone celibate or thought herself low-desire while in the former marriage. Almost without exception, they have been fantastic in the sack, experimental, enthusiastic, often skilled lovers. While in the dysfunctional situation, they thought themselves low-libido, but in hindsight, without a single exception, there has been a core of anger so great that it caused a total loss of respect for the partner. 2. Sometimes, they lose the desire because they've been refused and wish to avoid the humiliation- I've found that women seem particularly quick to lose sexual interest permanently in a partner who doesn't want to fuck them - not a lot of endurance for humiliation. This avoidance of sex is often called "counter-refusal" on this board, but really, it's just another form of refusal in the marriage - where the reason for the loss of desire is known. It's no different in effect from a refusal in which the reason is unknown. 3. Most people who are averse to sex (within the context of a faithful monogamous relationship) think of themselves as low libido, but actually are just averse to their partner. They would likely bang a stranger six ways to Sunday if they let themselves get over the guilt of cheating (and many do). So what people say and think about their own "diagnosis" tends not to be all that reliable. 4. In the singles/serial dating world, it is not uncommon for a relationship to run its course after a set amount of time. Either you settle in to know someone and realize they aren't quite aligned, or it never had the fuel to go the full distance in the first place, or someone does something that pisses you off, or context is revealed that changes what you think of a person such that you can't desire them in the same way. It's normal - and once gone, it's pretty much impossible to get back. So, people break up. They do it all the time, rather than getting married all the time. It's intuitively understood and accepted as a harsh reality in the dating world in a way that seems very difficult to grasp in a marriage, because the assumption is always that both sides are invested in the romantic aspect of the relationship.
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