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Post by aguywithneeds on Oct 23, 2017 10:39:43 GMT -5
Sarah, you gotta say fuck it. You sound like me 2 years ago, just a basket case. After a lot of soul searching and hard lonely nights, we don't sleep in the same room either, I came to the conclusion that I don't have any interest in her anymore, why should I put myself through that when I get the same result. Doing the same thing over with the same result is the definition of insanity. Funny I have been in your exact shoe's, oh yeah we're going to mess around tonight, and she falls asleep watching TV or my personal favorite, oh yeah go on back I'll be there in a min, Wait 10 min fake sleeping on the couch, how do I know it was fake because I was so angry I couldn't sleep and heard her get up after 10 min grab something from the kitchen and go back to channel surfing. Just don't care, I don't touch her, except a friendly hug good night, and when she touches me I cringe in disapproval to let her know you don't get the fringe benefits of a intimate relationship with out being intimate. Believe it or not it actually is starting to work, but now I honestly don't care, it took me not caring to finally realize that this may not be worth it. I don't know if I want to stay I haven't decided, I stay primarily for the kids, and shared finances, our names are on a lot together, but I will tell you if I had nothing holding me down i would have never known this site exsisted.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 23, 2017 10:46:26 GMT -5
That makes me so upset the way you phrased that he is throwing away an amazing gift h If I think about it that way, it makes me feel more devastated. I remember watching a passionate sex scene in a film years ago and I cried so much afterwards because that is no longer in my life. A few months ago we went on holiday, of course there was no sex on holiday, I even told my husband that I would marry again after he dies and that I would only remarry for sex. Did that make any difference to him wanting me in anyway? No I'm sorry if I caused you more pain. My intent was not to hurt you but to awaken you to the fact that you deserve better. We all do. When I first came to terms with my sexless marriage, I was hurt, and really really pissed. The devastation you are feeling is real. Embrace it. Maybe it will motivate you to do something more productive than I did.
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Post by aguywithneeds on Oct 23, 2017 11:02:08 GMT -5
I asked why for years, and never got a satisfactory answer from my refuser, nor anyone else. (I never refer to her as a wife because a spouse who refuses sex in marriage for over a year is NOT a wife). The only time things started to change was when I stopped asking why she was acting the way she was and started asking why I was accepting it.
I then came to the saddest conclusion of my life. I finally knew exactly why my refuser was what she was. She did not love me. It was a horrible thing to realize, but it was the absolute truth. A spouse who refuses sex for over a year does not love the refused spouse. [b
I kinda came to this hard truth, still denying it I think, either way it sucks.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 23, 2017 11:46:45 GMT -5
"A few months ago we went on holiday, of course there was no sex on holiday, I even told my husband that I would marry again after he dies and that I would only remarry for sex. Did that make any difference to him wanting me in anyway? No "
The most important thing I learned from my sm was that I couldn't explain, threaten, manipulate, beg or love someone into loving me the way I wanted. Once I realized I couldn't change him and he wasn't going to change I was able to set myself free of a relationship that would never be what I wanted.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2017 11:52:00 GMT -5
I asked why for years, and never got a satisfactory answer from my refuser, nor anyone else. (I never refer to her as a wife because a spouse who refuses sex in marriage for over a year is NOT a wife). The only time things started to change was when I stopped asking why she was acting the way she was and started asking why I was accepting it. I then came to the saddest conclusion of my life. I finally knew exactly why my refuser was what she was. She did not love me. It was a horrible thing to realize, but it was the absolute truth. A spouse who refuses sex for over a year does not love the refused spouse. [b I kinda came to this hard truth, still denying it I think, either way it sucks. Yes, it really sucked. However, it was also very validating. It made me feel really good about getting out. It is not my refuser's fault that she didn't love me, but it was her fault that she was not honest about it back in 1988. On the wedding night, she should have said, "I am sorry, but I just don't love you enough to have sex with you." That would have hurt immensely, but I could have gotten out and found someone who did love me.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 23, 2017 13:13:49 GMT -5
Honest communication like that, flashjohn, from any of our refusers, would have saved us, but their game is not about honest communication. They need to play us in order to secure the perks.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 23, 2017 13:39:48 GMT -5
Welcome sarah We all can empathize with you (your story sounds a lot like mine and so does your thought process) I want to be a devil's advocate and challenge you to try and reconcile the statements above. btw, I tried to squash/smother/bury/eradicate/destroy my sexuality. For years. I wasn't able. As did I. I tried herbal supplements and even intentionally sabotaging my health. Nothing worked. I was never able to squash my libido, but drinking until I passed out seemed to make that point moot. However, there were side effects such as wetting the bed and throwing up on your shoes, so I'd recommend against it as a long term solution.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 23, 2017 13:41:17 GMT -5
"So please attempt vigorously to fix your partner via counselling or whatever is available to you and do it now not in a year or ten years from now...." No one can fix another person. It's hard enough to fix or change oneself. Her partner probably wishes he could fix her so she no longer wants a sex life! They are simply not sexually compatible. The sooner she realizes that and takes whatever steps under her control to respond to that unchangeable truth, the sooner she will stop being miserable. She can choose to stay and give up sex forever. She can choose to stay and cheat. She can choose to leave. Doing nothing is choosing to stay. Individual counseling or other means of self reflection and change are ways that she can take responsibility for her own happiness. There is also leave and cheat. Basically, cheat as a way of helping bide the time until leaving is viable. Of course, doing this can blow up mightily, but it IS an option.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 23, 2017 13:42:31 GMT -5
The only option I can see is to stay in the marriage but look elsewhere. But I know in my heart that is not the answer. It doesn't sit right with my conscience. This is an option that has worked for some - it is not everyone's cup of poison. Consider carefully before making that leap - it leads to a secret life of deceit and fear of discovery. On the other hand, you may find out that you really don't give a fuck if he finds out - he, after all, started the whole thing by saying no to you when the answer should have been yes - and yes without begging! There are no easy choices here. But understand you do have choices. If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.
Not only the most interesting man in the world, but also quite wise...
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Post by aguywithneeds on Oct 23, 2017 14:40:48 GMT -5
[/quote]I was never able to squash my libido, but drinking until I passed out seemed to make that point moot.
However, there were side effects such as wetting the bed and throwing up on your shoes, so I'd recommend against it as a long term solution. [/quote]
Whenever I say I was n a dark place this is what I was referring to, just shitty every night. I put down a shower curtain under my sheets and most mornings if I was pulled over I probably would have gotten a DUI or at least a DWI. I cooled off to like 2-3 beers before bed. Quick disclaimer I have never been drunk in front of my kids, nor do I drink in front of them, all of my drinking time was after bedtime. But good news is that my Wife doesn't like the smell of beer so I don't have to worry about her trying to offer pity sex, even if she did all I'd have to do is remind her.
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sarah
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Post by sarah on Oct 23, 2017 14:44:24 GMT -5
h - you didn’t cause more pain. It was more the realisation. The fact that my husband doesn’t see it as a gift. I think I have suppressed my feelings for so long I no longer realise how bad it is. Almost feel like I am in survival mode. I am ok if I don’t talk about it, but when I do that is when the realisation hits me and it’s very depressing
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Post by h on Oct 23, 2017 14:59:20 GMT -5
h - you didn’t cause more pain. It was more the realisation. The fact that my husband doesn’t see it as a gift. I think I have suppressed my feelings for so long I no longer realise how bad it is. Almost feel like I am in survival mode. I am ok if I don’t talk about it, but when I do that is when the realisation hits me and it’s very depressing I know that feeling well. I was in survival mode for years, rationalizing my situation without really digging into the feelings much. It really hurt when I finally started to think about it all beyond the surface. I still have days where I drive to work screaming at the top of my lungs until I finally pull into the parking lot. It still hurts daily but I immerse myself in that hurt because it motivates me to do something to change it. For people like us, our sexuality is inherently part of who we are. Sharing that deeply intimate part of ourselves with the people we love can only be described as a gift of self. That's why it hurts so much when that gift isn't valued or appreciated by the one to whom it is given. We are offering our spouses our vulnerable selves and they are not interested. A precious and heartfelt gift thrown away...
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Post by snowman12345 on Oct 24, 2017 5:43:30 GMT -5
This is an option that has worked for some - it is not everyone's cup of poison. Consider carefully before making that leap - it leads to a secret life of deceit and fear of discovery. On the other hand, you may find out that you really don't give a fuck if he finds out - he, after all, started the whole thing by saying no to you when the answer should have been yes - and yes without begging! There are no easy choices here. But understand you do have choices. If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.
Not only the most interesting man in the world, but also quite wise... You only say that because it's true. But, you forgot the "humble" part though. Thanks anyway.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 24, 2017 10:56:51 GMT -5
Not only the most interesting man in the world, but also quite wise... You only say that because it's true. But, you forgot the "humble" part though. Thanks anyway. And extremely well hung as well. Giving you my sexting cell phone number was the best decision I ever made.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 24, 2017 12:49:37 GMT -5
You only say that because it's true. But, you forgot the "humble" part though. Thanks anyway. And extremely well hung as well. Giving you my sexting cell phone number was the best decision I ever made. Well, I am straight. I never had a gay thought in my life, but, who could say no to a man of that caliber?
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