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Post by merrygoround on Oct 11, 2017 6:58:20 GMT -5
Hi Sarah and hugs to you .
Firstly let's dispel the myth of a happy marriage without sex. If two people are in agreement to live in a celibate marriage and it works for them, fine. But you are here, aren't you. You're not happy and if you have read early posts from some members you will often see "all is great bar the sex".
You're young, you've done 15 years. You have a child. How old? I did just over 20 married. Together about 24. Three kids all young adults now.
I know your pain. The indecision. Do you just put your head down and get on with it, hoping that the rest of your so-called happy marriage will sustain you?
Sweetheart, get to the truth of him. Put him on the spot and see if he's willing to get the help - psychological, medical, whatever it is. Whichever way that falls will inform you. It won't save you from pain with way and then you make your decisions (any of which are valid) according to the answers. But get to the truth. A lot of wasted years here on this forum.
Anyway, welcome. Xx
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 11, 2017 7:00:18 GMT -5
I have been married to my husband for 15 years. It is mostly a happy marriage. As I have reached my forties, my sex drive has rocketed. In some sort of cruel twist of fate, my husbands sex drive appears to be zero. It has been dwindling for years. Requests for sex would be met with falling asleep, agreeing and then falling asleep, calling me a silly teenager, rolling his eyes at me. Still I was stupid and kept asking him for sex. Often it wasn't great but it felt better than nothing. Even that dwindled away. It got to the point where I told him I wanted to look for other men. He said he would make an effort. Tiny bit of effort and then back to nothing again. Even went on holiday for two weeks to a beautiful hot country, guess what? No sex. He won't even share a bed with me. Hasn't throughout our whole marriage. I started chatting online to other men. Met a young man. We didn't have penetrative sex but kissed and did other things. I thought it would help. It felt wonderful to be desired but this was a mistake as now I just realised what I have been missing. I also can't handle sex without feelings. I have just made my situation worse. I have been looking thoroughly miserable lately and he actually noticed, I told him it was the lack of sex. He offered sex, and I told him no. I don't know whether I just wanted to punish him for rejecting and ignoring my desires for years. He has just pretended nothing has happened and it is back to sexless marriage again. Finding it difficult to carry on, not in a financial position to leave and also have a young child. I dont even bother touching myself anymore, thinking I should just accept this is my life now. Keep telling myself sex is for other people, not for me. If I keep wanting it, it will just destroy me. But this is making me die inside as well. Hello sarah,....Much of your story has elements in common with mine. It took me a while to realize that when I said my marriage was good except for the sex I was lying to myself. You didn't mention other forms of intimacy, like passionate kissing, hugging or cuddling. I would bet there is very little of that kind of affection in your marriage. There was little in mine, and it was me who primarily initiated it. Just having the same political, financial or religious viewpoint, having the same hobbies or interests does not make for a happy marriage, that's what makes for an amiable friendship. Falling asleep, belittling your heartfelt request for affection by calling you a silly teenager and rolling his eyes translates into him having no respect for you. No respect translates into not honoring the marriage contract to love and cherish you. That translates into as busted deal. You have had talks with him about the damage he is doing to the marriage and to you. This has resulted in a bit of "reset sex" to quite you down for a while and then it was back to the status quo. Pretty common behavior almost always to be found in a SM. And really, what kind of man behaves in such a cavalier manor when his W says she is going outside the marriage for sex if he doesn't want her. That speaks volumes. I suspect that the small bit of stuff you mentioned with the young guy will eventually be followed by a large bit of passionate sex at some point in the not so distant future, especially since you have now refused him when he offered token sex and it made no impact on him. I won't speak to your not being able financially to leave. It reads like your child is preschool age and you are a SAHM. If that's the case there are things you could be doing to position yourself in a better place when your child does enter school. Online courses or job training to have marketable skills when the time comes to leave. Others here who have done it can speak to that course of action better than me. Just ask for ideas and folks here will respond. Your coming to this site says you are desperate to find another path. Hopefully reading the stories here will give you the information and a basis for a foundation to find that different path and to get started on it. Keep reading and seek out those here with who you feel some affinity. Read their back stories and the advice they received. Hopefully it will be of value to you.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 11, 2017 7:11:20 GMT -5
"falling asleep, belittling your heartfelt request for affection by calling you a silly teenager and rolling his eyes translates into him having no respect for you."
Rolling eyes also is contemptuous, and contempt is the most destructive of the "four horsemen" predicting divorce in 5 years. Google "John gottman" and "four horsemen" for info.
When I first read that, I was the one so upset with my sm that I would roll my eyes when my husband spoke. I had no plans of divorce and thought that it was ridiculous to think eye rolling predicted divorce. Less than5 years later, I initiated a divorce.
Keep in mind that you might want to stay married. Your husband may be planning to divorce you.
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sarah
New Member
Posts: 14
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Post by sarah on Oct 11, 2017 14:03:08 GMT -5
Thank you so much to everyone who has responded and I am in tears with the kind words and support offered to me here.
To answer some of the questions:
My child is 8
My husband has used porn a lot in the past, promised to give it up but then kept going back to it. I think he prefers it to any sexual contact with me. He says he doesn't masturbate. I don't know. He sleeps separately to me so I have no idea what he does or doesn't do
I have tried to talk to him several times about the lack of sex. I have cried, begged, humiliated myself, said I want sex with other men. He makes false promises, and then it is back to nothing. The last argument we had, I said I don't believe him anymore.
Reset sex - he has done this to keep me quiet. I get my hopes up thinking we will have be having sex regularly again and then bang back to nothing.
He has suffered with erectile dysfunction but with taking medication, it has vastly improved things. Clearly not enough to make him want sex with me.
He doesn't want to divorce me. He wants to stay in a sexless marriage with me.
The only option I can see is to stay in the marriage but look elsewhere. But I know in my heart that is not the answer. It doesn't sit right with my conscience.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 11, 2017 14:11:48 GMT -5
"The only option I can see is to stay in the marriage but look elsewhere. But I know in my heart that is not the answer. It doesn't sit right with my conscience."
Why is staying and cheating your only option? Presumably if your husband prefers porn to physical intimacy with you, he is so intimacy averse that he also doesn't connect with you on other types of emotional levels. Why settle for such an empty marriage when leaving would set you free to eventually get into a relationship with a man who would be able to be intimate with you?
What is your marriage teaching your child about what to expect in their own romantic relationships?
Individual therapy could help you look my clearly at your wants, needs and options.
Talking to a lawyer would let you know how that could work out. The first visit may be free.
Chances are close to 0 that your husband will become the kind of husband you want. The ball is in your court.
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Post by takestwototango on Oct 11, 2017 14:17:27 GMT -5
Hello sarah, So sorry you have to be here, but you are in good company. If your H is anything like mine, and it sounds like he is, you can tell him how you feel until you're blue in the face. He will not change unless he really wants to, and it is a sad, depressing life to live with someone like this. It isn't just the act of sex, but the deep feelings that come with it that are missed so much. My H also does not want a divorce and it has taken months just to get him to go to the dr to get his testosterone checked, which is now only two weeks away (he missed the first two appts), but we shall see if he keeps the appt. I have suggested outsourcing but he says he will file for divorce if I do that. And I would probably become emotionally attached to someone if I did do that, because it's not just about the sex, ya know? Right now I am stuck here, though, until I find a job and can save up some money to exit the marriage, if that is what it has to come to.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 11, 2017 14:43:06 GMT -5
takestwo, talk to a lawyer now. The first visit may be free. It also may not be to your financial advantage to get a job before divorcing. You may get a larger settlement if you aren't employed.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 11, 2017 14:56:47 GMT -5
...He doesn't want to divorce me. He wants to stay in a sexless marriage with me. The only option I can see is to stay in the marriage but look elsewhere. But I know in my heart that is not the answer. It doesn't sit right with my conscience. Hey, sarah. My condolences regarding your situation. We all have different reasons for taking the path we do. A year ago, going outside my marriage was unthinkable. It is not, any more, and I have no remorse over it. Marriage is a contract, and part of that is "to have and to hold." Since your spouse refuses to have and hold, the contract is broken, so, does "forsaking all others" still apply?
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Post by takestwototango on Oct 11, 2017 15:01:14 GMT -5
takestwo, talk to a lawyer now. The first visit may be free. It also may not be to your financial advantage to get a job before divorcing. You may get a larger settlement if you aren't employed. PFFT, no settlement expected from him. We've only been married a little over a year and he just now started a new job. He has no assets except for property he says he has been trying to (not) sell in Delaware for 10 years, so that'll never happen. The only financial advantage I will have is that I won't have to pay his bills, lol. I am on unemployment right now, so the only problem would be finding the money to pay for the divorce and hopefully he'd help with that if/when it comes to it.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Oct 11, 2017 15:28:21 GMT -5
Thank you so much to everyone who has responded and I am in tears with the kind words and support offered to me here. To answer some of the questions: My child is 8 My husband has used porn a lot in the past, promised to give it up but then kept going back to it. I think he prefers it to any sexual contact with me. He says he doesn't masturbate. I don't know. He sleeps separately to me so I have no idea what he does or doesn't do I have tried to talk to him several times about the lack of sex. I have cried, begged, humiliated myself, said I want sex with other men. He makes false promises, and then it is back to nothing. The last argument we had, I said I don't believe him anymore. Reset sex - he has done this to keep me quiet. I get my hopes up thinking we will have be having sex regularly again and then bang back to nothing. He has suffered with erectile dysfunction but with taking medication, it has vastly improved things. Clearly not enough to make him want sex with me. He doesn't want to divorce me. He wants to stay in a sexless marriage with me. The only option I can see is to stay in the marriage but look elsewhere. But I know in my heart that is not the answer. It doesn't sit right with my conscience. Sarah, you are going to be ok. Keep on posting here, and you will come to a conclusion about the best way to handle your situation. Some people come here thinking they have to stay in the situation and suffer, some think they are going to outsource, and some think they are ready for divorce. It will take a while for you to decide the best course of action for you. The good thing is that you have people here who have done all three and can tell you the pitfalls involved in each choice. We can tell you what to look out for, how to protect yourself, and the process you need to go through to fulfill whatever will work for you. I am a lawyer, and I can maybe give you somewhat of an idea of what the legal process will look like. Just write out your feelings here, and someone with knowledge of the subject will chime in. We all watch out for each other here. You have more choices than you think you have.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 11, 2017 16:16:40 GMT -5
"PFFT, no settlement expected from him. We've only been married a little over a year and he just now started a new job. "
Still it would be wise to talk to a lawyer now. For instance, in some states, property and debt acquired during marriage is considered 50:50 joint property and debt. Thus, you could get stuck paying for half of any big bills he runs up.
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sarah
New Member
Posts: 14
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Post by sarah on Oct 11, 2017 16:23:34 GMT -5
Hey, sarah . My condolences regarding your situation. We all have different reasons for taking the path we do. A year ago, going outside my marriage was unthinkable. It is not, any more, and I have no remorse over it. Marriage is a contract, and part of that is "to have and to hold." Since your spouse refuses to have and hold, the contract is broken, so, does "forsaking all others" still apply? Thank you ironhamster. For years going outside my marriage was unthinkable also, but I feel like I have been driven to this. I also feel no remorse at having met another man even though it was just once. I feel like it gave me a taste of what I can't have. I know I have choices and I don't have to stay like this but my confidence has hit rock bottom after being rejected over and over for years. Should I break up my family because of lack of sex? I may not get it anywhere else either if I leave. Life is passing by, I am getting older, who would be interested in me? I only ever had sex with my husband. Not making much sense here, feeling very emotional.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 11, 2017 17:00:44 GMT -5
Sarah, keep in mind that going outside of your marriage may break it up in a more damaging way than a divorce without an affair. No matter how careful you are, you may be found out including by your kids. As a teen, I stumbled upon evidence my dad was having an affair. Two other fiends made the same discoveries as teens about their parents. None of us ever told our parents, but learning of their behavior did skew our perceptions of our parents and what to expect in relationships.
So don't assume having an affair will allow you to have sex while maintaining your family.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 11, 2017 17:14:18 GMT -5
Breaking up your family is a valid concern.
As for being attractive, you were attractive enough to find a guy willing to kiss you, even though you were married. So...
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 11, 2017 17:17:18 GMT -5
I will say, in my case, I see cheating as the best option. But, don't listen to me. Listen to northstarmom. If you can get out, do.
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