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Post by Frustrated1978 on Oct 12, 2017 19:23:26 GMT -5
Thanks for sharing your story. Any decision you make has a consequence. So far your decision to stay has made you very miserable. However that is a valid decision. I completely understand on why you had an affair. I had one myself. All it did for me was solve a short term itch and create a long term headache.
Read up here and take whatever advice you think is helpful to your situation. Always remember you have a choice. At the very least see a lawyer for a free consult and find out how a Divorce would pan out for you.
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Post by snowman12345 on Oct 12, 2017 19:27:31 GMT -5
The only option I can see is to stay in the marriage but look elsewhere. But I know in my heart that is not the answer. It doesn't sit right with my conscience. This is an option that has worked for some - it is not everyone's cup of poison. Consider carefully before making that leap - it leads to a secret life of deceit and fear of discovery. On the other hand, you may find out that you really don't give a fuck if he finds out - he, after all, started the whole thing by saying no to you when the answer should have been yes - and yes without begging! There are no easy choices here. But understand you do have choices. If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.
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Post by M2G on Oct 14, 2017 8:47:25 GMT -5
Should I Stay or Should I Go - hmm, never thought I would come to hate any song by the Clash. Couple that with Rush: "If you choose to not to decide you still have made a choice"So top it off with the Bard: "..to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them?"Today's mood; and no worries - I'm not contemplating the "To be or not to be" part. 20 years of dwindling intimacy and now at over 6 in my SM I must say has hardened me like emotional steel. Can I stick it out to the bitter end, waiting and hoping for a less than bitter end? Absolutely. Do I want to? Feelings are really ripping me up, bouncing off the walls - I still can't answer that. Choosing not to choose. Except - no more thoughts of outsourcing. Today I will start with that, and go from there. Shooting Shark: "Well I'm up beside the magic man, and he laid some tricks for me. He said: "you do need help my friend." I whispered: "Obviously." Name that band
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Post by brian on Oct 14, 2017 14:42:03 GMT -5
Should I Stay or Should I Go - hmm, never thought I would come to hate any song by the Clash. Couple that with Rush: "If you choose to not to decide you still have made a choice"So top it off with the Bard: "..to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them?"Today's mood; and no worries - I'm not contemplating the "To be or not to be" part. 20 years of dwindling intimacy and now at over 6 in my SM I must say has hardened me like emotional steel. Can I stick it out to the bitter end, waiting and hoping for a less than bitter end? Absolutely. Do I want to? Feelings are really ripping me up, bouncing off the walls - I still can't answer that. Choosing not to choose. Except - no more thoughts of outsourcing. Today I will start with that, and go from there. Shooting Shark: "Well I'm up beside the magic man, and he laid some tricks for me. He said: "you do need help my friend." I whispered: "Obviously." Name that band Blue Oyster Cult
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 14, 2017 16:22:52 GMT -5
I thought I could stick it out.
I was wrong.
The last year before my split with my wife was a hell I don't ever want to experience again.
Don't ever think you can 'tough it out to the end'
One way or another, it would finish you
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 14, 2017 16:42:39 GMT -5
What's the point of toughing it out til one of you dies? That's not living.
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Post by M2G on Oct 14, 2017 17:53:47 GMT -5
"Blue Oyster Cult" Winner!
Me: I can tough out 6 months while getting everything in order.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2017 22:09:22 GMT -5
I thought I could stick it out. I was wrong. The last year before my split with my wife was a hell I don't ever want to experience again. Don't ever think you can 'tough it out to the end' One way or another, it would finish you I agree wholeheartedly my friend.
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 16, 2017 1:24:13 GMT -5
Thanks flashjohn Because, in the end, I refused to 'just accept this way of life' I am now so much happier. I now have a past and a future - not just the ongoing misery I had before All the very best
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sarah
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Post by sarah on Oct 22, 2017 17:16:37 GMT -5
Things aren’t any different not that I expected them to be.
Husband took me out for lunch about 2 weeks ago. Said at the end that we would have sex soon. I just said yeah right. I was correct, nothing happened,
Just had evening out together. Came home, he suggested sex. I told him I have given up. We don’t do that anymore. He said he doesn’t want to argue. He said he would. Then he fell asleep in front of the tv. I just ran to my room (separate bedrooms) closed the door and turned the light off.
In tears now, why does he keep saying we will and then not following through? I would rather that he wouldn’t try than giving me false hopes not that I believe in the hopes anymore. That part of my life is over. He doesn’t like me saying I am not interested anymore. But I should just wait around for months until he finally wants to?
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 22, 2017 17:23:08 GMT -5
He does not want nor plan to have sex with you ever again. He knows you'd leave him if he told you those truths. So, he strings you along. He wants to stay married to you because you are a good companion or he benefits from your financial help or help cleaning, cooking, with childcare or making him look good to others. He just doesn't want the sex part of marriage.
You can not change him. You can't make him lust for you. You can stay in celibate misery, leave or outsource while staying.
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Post by h on Oct 22, 2017 20:13:15 GMT -5
I'm so sorry sarah that you have to go through this. Your H is a rude and inconsiderate man and has no idea of the amazing gift he is throwing away: YOU! You don't deserve this. Please know that we're all here for you whatever you decide.
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sarah
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Post by sarah on Oct 23, 2017 8:40:24 GMT -5
That makes me so upset the way you phrased that he is throwing away an amazing gift h
If I think about it that way, it makes me feel more devastated.
I remember watching a passionate sex scene in a film years ago and I cried so much afterwards because that is no longer in my life.
A few months ago we went on holiday, of course there was no sex on holiday, I even told my husband that I would marry again after he dies and that I would only remarry for sex. Did that make any difference to him wanting me in anyway? No
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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2017 10:27:48 GMT -5
Things aren’t any different not that I expected them to be. Husband took me out for lunch about 2 weeks ago. Said at the end that we would have sex soon. I just said yeah right. I was correct, nothing happened, Just had evening out together. Came home, he suggested sex. I told him I have given up. We don’t do that anymore. He said he doesn’t want to argue. He said he would. Then he fell asleep in front of the tv. I just ran to my room (separate bedrooms) closed the door and turned the light off. In tears now, why does he keep saying we will and then not following through? I would rather that he wouldn’t try than giving me false hopes not that I believe in the hopes anymore. That part of my life is over. He doesn’t like me saying I am not interested anymore. But I should just wait around for months until he finally wants to? I have to tell you this. I asked why for years, and never got a satisfactory answer from my refuser, nor anyone else. (I never refer to her as a wife because a spouse who refuses sex in marriage for over a year is NOT a wife). The only time things started to change was when I stopped asking why she was acting the way she was and started asking why I was accepting it. I then came to the saddest conclusion of my life. I finally knew exactly why my refuser was what she was. She did not love me. It was a horrible thing to realize, but it was the absolute truth. A spouse who refuses sex for over a year does not love the refused spouse. Lastly, that part of your life is not over unless you decide it is. You can change your fate.
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Post by h on Oct 23, 2017 10:27:49 GMT -5
That makes me so upset the way you phrased that he is throwing away an amazing gift h If I think about it that way, it makes me feel more devastated. I remember watching a passionate sex scene in a film years ago and I cried so much afterwards because that is no longer in my life. A few months ago we went on holiday, of course there was no sex on holiday, I even told my husband that I would marry again after he dies and that I would only remarry for sex. Did that make any difference to him wanting me in anyway? No I'm sorry if I caused you more pain. My intent was not to hurt you but to awaken you to the fact that you deserve better. We all do.
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