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Post by northstarmom on Oct 17, 2017 10:41:39 GMT -5
Call your local woman's shelter to get advice on how to move out safely.
Lock your cellphone and delete your browsing history. Keep control of your credit cards. Take him off your accounts. Don't leave credit cards where he might take them. Put some cash in a very secret place so if you need to, you have money to flee to a friend's even if your husband takes your car keys.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Oct 21, 2017 19:04:55 GMT -5
We don't share any accounts and I hide my car keys, purse and important legal/financial documents. I am moving into a friend's spare room very soon - she has been brilliant and I can even take my cat! He has said we need to talk, but not until he has gone through his bank statements and then he asked me where they were! (He is totally disorganised) I told him that they are either in the folder that I filed them away in or where-ever he has left them. My ex is desperate to find out where I am going and questions me everyday. Today he asked if I was ashamed of where I was going or if I was worried that he would pursue me. I replied that he has no right to know where I am going and asked him why he wanted to know? He stormed out of the house. Today I took delivery of some furniture at my friend's house, measured up for curtains and I also got another student for private tuition - yay! I am still fighting the urge to stay in bed all day everyday and to be honest am spending a lot of time in bed, but I am getting up for appointments and getting things done. My Dad's funeral is on Monday 30th. Still bursting into floods of tears frequently but am definitely on the way through this tunnel. Part of the reason for that is listening to you guys and the 'tough (ish) love' post from Northstarmom. 👍
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Post by baza on Oct 21, 2017 19:11:12 GMT -5
Observation. Sister mathdoll . You appear to have discovered reserves of self determination that you possibly didn't even realise you possessed a few months back. Keep going, keep growing.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 21, 2017 19:12:36 GMT -5
Mathdoll, in sorry about your father's passing. Please realize that you are demonstrating courage and strength to be able to rise so well to the various challenges you have been facing. If you ever need support or to vent we will continue being here for you.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Oct 21, 2017 19:21:58 GMT -5
Thank you both. My Dad died last Saturday (14th) but had been very ill for several years and was suffering a lot. He was also in his 80s and we had a complicated/distant relationship. So although I am grieving, and he was my Dad, its not a sudden or 'tragic' death which makes it easier for me to bear. My Mum is heartbroken so I am calling her everyday - she lives 150 miles away - and doing what I can from this distance. It is amazing to me what people can survive. I don't want to sound too far up my own a** but I sometimes think about the people who went through the forced marches and the camps during the Holocaust. Compared to that I am still in paradise. Apologies for any virtue signalling in that statement 🗣
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 21, 2017 19:30:02 GMT -5
Mathdoll, I identify with you in that when things get bad I think I could have been in the holocaust on a slave ship or in a current war torn area.
Still, it is important to acknowledge when one is in a challenging situation. Acknowledging it gives us permission to seek help and support and to notice our own strength.
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Post by JMX on Oct 21, 2017 21:47:07 GMT -5
No need to apologize. I do that too.
"It's not good, but really, it's not "x,y,z bad."
I get it.
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Post by M2G on Oct 22, 2017 7:18:26 GMT -5
Glad to see you back and OK - ish I was and still am worried what action your STBX may do. Plan for the worst and hope for the best. Try not to be alone with him if you can at all help it. My condolences also in the passing of your father. Sorry as well, about your being "made redundant" as you mentioned in another thread. How I hate that UK euphemism - it seems such a personal condemnation. I'd rather be fired, terminated, downsized or let go, than "made redundant." I'm sure you have a ton to offer any prospective employer - you just need to find one that appreciates you.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Oct 22, 2017 8:10:46 GMT -5
Thanks miles. Its hard to be grieving so much at the same time: my Dad, my relationship, my home and my job. Yes, 'redundant' is a horrible term and it does reinforce that sense of being no longer useful. I am enjoying tutoring though and do get a sense of achievement working with my students - they are much younger (8-10 years old) than I am used to. They are funny, quick, lively and I come away feeling alive - as well as having earned some money! I'm still at the stage of not making a lot of profit though because there was initial outlay on materials for this age group, but as the time goes on it will pick up. My ex shows no sign of physical aggression, although his strange behaviour continues. I am spending most of my time outside the house or in my bedroom with the door closed. I also have a door wedge in case I do need to keep him out (there is no lock) and always have my phone and charger with me. I really appreciate your concern but I should be fine.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Nov 4, 2017 5:14:04 GMT -5
I moved out yesterday, although there are still a few things which I need to collect. My ex husband (who has remained a very good friend, but whom I divorced because he was a refuser for 15 years) has allowed me to stay until I have somewhere else and/or have sorted out the rest of my life. I have a very nice bedroom (which I have furnished) and my cat has also been able to come with me, It was a blessing that he did because I although I do have capital it is not enough to buy anywhere to live and I can't find anywhere to rent because you have to be employed to rent through a letting agency in the UK. It is possible to find a private landlord who will take six months up front, but they are often bad landlords in many ways. I was starting to look at park homes (called trailer homes in the US). Which is a step above a bedsit in my mind. (I apologise to anyone who lives in one, but you know the stereotypes as well as I do.) My tutoring business is improving and I took another student on this week, so my income is increasing, albeit slowly. So the practical stuff is under control. The emotional stuff is potentially a minefield however as my ex husband was broken hearted when I left and has been very lonely on his own. So....... I am going no contact once I have all of my belongings as my ex is already playing the big, sad, puppy dog eyes and saying that he didn't cope last time while at the same time refusing my suggestion of hiring a cleaner and a gardener. I am also getting pressure from his mother to stay with him. I start attending CODA (co-dependency) meetings tomorrow so I'll see if they are the right place. The DV support doesn't feel right to me because he wasn't physically abusive and the emotional abuse doesn't 'feel' serious enough. IYSWIM. My Dad's funeral was OK. I had a feeling of unreality throughout which I am used to. He was abusive too so I'm not grieving a close, positive relationship. In fact I was very uncomfortable listening to the various eulogies. I didn't recognise a lot of it. I guess that is very common though.
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tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on Nov 4, 2017 6:17:46 GMT -5
I moved out yesterday, although there are still a few things which I need to collect. My ex husband (who has remained a very good friend, but whom I divorced because he was a refuser for 15 years) has allowed me to stay until I have somewhere else and/or have sorted out the rest of my life. I have a very nice bedroom (which I have furnished) and my cat has also been able to come with me, It was a blessing that he did because I although I do have capital it is not enough to buy anywhere to live and I can't find anywhere to rent because you have to be employed to rent through a letting agency in the UK. It is possible to find a private landlord who will take six months up front, but they are often bad landlords in many ways. I was starting to look at park homes (called trailer homes in the US). Which is a step above a bedsit in my mind. (I apologise to anyone who lives in one, but you know the stereotypes as well as I do.) My tutoring business is improving and I took another student on this week, so my income is increasing, albeit slowly. So the practical stuff is under control. The emotional stuff is potentially a minefield however as my ex husband was broken hearted when I left and has been very lonely on his own. So....... I am going no contact once I have all of my belongings as my ex is already playing the big, sad, puppy dog eyes and saying that he didn't cope last time while at the same time refusing my suggestion of hiring a cleaner and a gardener. I am also getting pressure from his mother to stay with him. I start attending CODA (co-dependency) meetings tomorrow so I'll see if they are the right place. The DV support doesn't feel right to me because he wasn't physically abusive and the emotional abuse doesn't 'feel' serious enough. IYSWIM. My Dad's funeral was OK. I had a feeling of unreality throughout which I am used to. He was abusive too so I'm not grieving a close, positive relationship. In fact I was very uncomfortable listening to the various eulogies. I didn't recognise a lot of it. I guess that is very common though. HUGS and STRENGTH to you! You will get through this. I recently left my situation too. I also know the shitty feeling of not being able to afford a place (moved in with my parents) but I will say I am happier here then I ever was in that abusive atmosphere. I’ll be cheering you on! Many well wishes to you!
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 4, 2017 8:46:00 GMT -5
“I am going no contact once I have all of my belongings as my ex is already playing the big, sad, puppy dog eyes and saying that he didn't cope last time while at the same time refusing my suggestion of hiring a cleaner and a gardener. I am also getting pressure from his mother to stay with him.”
Congrats on navigating the move. It would be a good idea to cut ties with his mom, too. Of course she wants you to stay with her man child since without you to take care of him, he will lean in her. Of course he doesn’t want a cleaner or gardener. He wants mommy or mommy wife! Fortunately, his lack of independence does not have to be your problem.
Let us know how things continue to go for you. Lots of support and empathy for you here.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Nov 4, 2017 16:22:20 GMT -5
HUGS and STRENGTH to you! You will get through this. I recently left my situation too. I also know the shitty feeling of not being able to afford a place (moved in with my parents) but I will say I am happier here then I ever was in that abusive atmosphere. I’ll be cheering you on! Many well wishes to you! Nov 4 2017 Northstarmom said:Let us know how things continue to go for you. Lots of support and empathy for you here. Thank you both. Tori, hugs and strength to you too. We can do this! xx
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