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Post by northstarmom on Oct 6, 2017 6:15:22 GMT -5
Mathdoll, you are doing what your life has taught you to do. When you know better, you will do better.
It is important that instead of continuing to berate yourself you take steps toward knowing better. That will help you take steps that are in your best interest. Those steps have been laid out for you here. You can choose to talk to your doctor about your depression and anxiety and see if you need a medication adjustment. You can choose to go to a therapist or use a hotline or contact and use the services for women who are in abusive relationships. You can choose to read articles about verbal and emotional abuse, articles that will help you understand the situation you are in, articles that will help you feel compassion for yourself and take steps to get out of misery.
Or you can continue to just post about how you feel ashamed.
Unfortunately, while people here care, we can't call your doctor or help you get the services you could benefit from. I hope that knowing that people here care will give you the energy to reach out to your doctor or other in real life sources of support. Now is the perfect time because some of those supports are not available on weekends.
When you take a step even a baby one toward getting help post here. We will cheer for you. We care.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 6, 2017 6:22:10 GMT -5
Also, you are in a situation similar to what virtually everyone on this board is in or has been in. When you run yourself down over that, it's a slap in the face to everyone here who is or was in such a situation. When you call yourself stupid it's like calling others here stupid.
If your main reason for being here is to say how terrible you are, that is not helpful to people here. If you are here to get help living a happier life, then that is helpful because that's the reason people come here: for support, inspiration and insight. We can help each other. There's a big difference in learning from our mistakes and wallowing in them.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Oct 6, 2017 9:49:20 GMT -5
"What a f***ing stupid, crazy person I am." You made a mistake. Get in line behind everyone else on the board. Every other human, in fact. Keep your chin up. You sound like a good catch for someone. Just not this bozo. Thank you. You made me smile.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Oct 6, 2017 9:57:11 GMT -5
I hadn't considered things from that perspective northstar. I genuinely never meant to imply anything about anyone else here. Anyway, rather than whining on I got out of bed today, got dressed, made up (my ex hated make up and told me people who wear it are stupid and shallow ) and I went out. I didn't cancel the tutorial that I have this afternoon because it is the only tiny income I have right now. So I prepared for that. I have read and reread the stuff that you have posted and have looked up local services. I have an appointment with my GP next week. I have made plans with friends for the weekend. I even applied for two jobs yesterday. Well below my professional level, but I just want something easier and to earn some money. If I get either of them they may lead to progress of a plan I have in the back of my mind. One foot in front of another.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 6, 2017 10:34:43 GMT -5
Yay for you! One step at a time!!!! Keep us posted on your progress. Post too on your struggles. Just don't put yoursel down. Progress is not for anyone steadily upward. It won't be for you because you are human. The very best, most compassionate, supportive and understandable book on recovery from childhood trauma is, "Guide to Recovery for adult children of alcoholics" by Gravitz and Bowen. You do not have to have had alcoholic parents for the wisdom to apply. Reading it changed my life.
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 6, 2017 10:38:08 GMT -5
Good! Keep putting one foot infront of the other and soon you will be walking out the door.
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Post by wanderlust on Oct 6, 2017 17:14:30 GMT -5
Yes it is the same guy Baza. And it it has been 8 months of nothing but cuddles, kisses and stroking - not sure why the 'maths don't add up'. I'm still here because I really do love the guy and the affection is lovely and the sex was great. Having jumped once it is harder (for all kinds of reasons) to jump again. I listen to my (mainly single) girlfriends of a similar age talking about how hard it is to find any man who is decent, kind and loving and think - you know what - maybe I have to accept 'good enough' and give up on perfect. As I sit here typing this my guy is stroking my naked leg and leaning over to kiss me (on the mouth) every so often. We fall asleep in each other's arms every night - things that never happened in my marriage. Ask yourself, over time, and with deeper commitments, will it get better, will it stay the same or will it continue to decline? Can you live the rest of your life with that choice?
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Oct 6, 2017 18:43:33 GMT -5
No, I don't want to live like this. I don't want my life to keep getting smaller and my self being more and more diminshed.
Went to a jazz concert this evening with a friend and noticed some positive male glances 🙂Not that I have any interest in another relationship right now! I realise that I need to get my head in the right place. I thought it was after a long period of therapy and yet I still chose my abusive relationship.
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Post by wanderlust on Oct 6, 2017 18:52:25 GMT -5
Thanks JMX. I'm just so tired. I was made redundant a couple of months ago and my Dad is terminally ill. I juts can't believe how much shittier my life keeps getting. And its so hard with 'Mr Aspie'. Whenever we discuss anything serious he immediately starts saying that I am being diificult or weird (talk about projection). If I don't stop talking he then tells me to leave and find another home. If it is about money - which it has been recently then he says 'I have plenty of money. Its you that should be worried. I feel sorry for you. You have really fucked things up. You shouldn't have left your husband - now you have nothing.' Then I get the silent treatment for hours. Its just ...cruel. I have nowhere else to go as I don't have an income and my savings are nowhere near enough to buy anything. At the moment I wish I were dead. And that isn't an exaggeration. I have just had enough and see no end to the shit, just see it getting worse asI am getting older, poorer amd sicker. I don't know if this is allowed but I would really like to share this video with you by Nick Vujicic. Watch it when you have 15 minutes for yourself. You need to see this, it is message of hope for you. As for the Money issues, look at Dave Ramsey videos on the 7 baby steps on you tube. If you are determined to change your life, you will, even if you have to deliver pizza after you come home from your regular job.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Oct 9, 2017 9:26:15 GMT -5
A close friend has offered me a room while I get myself sorted out. I just need to wrestle all of the money that he owes me out of his tight fist. Or start selling the furniture I bought out from under him. I have managed to go to the tuition students that I have - its a tiny income but a start. I have got up everyday and gone out. Babysteps.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 9, 2017 11:35:13 GMT -5
Congrats on those steps! You've accomplished a lot.
Since he is controlling expect him to use the loan to try to keep you around. You may have to write it off to be free of him.be prepared for thahe also may try to sue you over the furniture by claiming its his. So be careful.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Oct 17, 2017 2:19:57 GMT -5
Just checking in. The money is proving to be the most difficult. It makes me mad that he has so much and won't pay me back. But you are right Northstarmom, he is using it as a control. It is driving him crazy that I won't give him my new address which I move into soon. He said he needs to know so that he knows I really do have somewhere because according to him I am crazy and a liar. I told him that he has no right to know anything about my plans other than that I am leaving.
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Post by M2G on Oct 17, 2017 4:58:10 GMT -5
Just checking in. The money is proving to be the most difficult. It makes me mad that he has so much and won't pay me back. But you are right Northstarmom, he is using it as a control. It is driving him crazy that I won't give him my new address which I move into soon. He said he needs to know so that he knows I really do have somewhere because according to him I am crazy and a liar. I told him that he has no right to know anything about my plans other than that I am leaving. This (highlighted) may be a warning sign of trouble brewing. If not, it's certainly a crystal clear sign that he does not respect you as a person. Hopefully I'm wrong about that, but if you get any gut feelings please listen to them. If you must interact with him, might be wise to meet in a public place, and/or have someone with you. You have my very best wishes.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 17, 2017 7:11:39 GMT -5
Big red flags that he may become violent. Do not let him know where you will be moving. Tell your work and friends and relatives not to tell him that information.. realize he may follow you when you leave work. Google for advice on how to safely leave an abuser.
The last person I gave such info to told me I was mistaken. She said her exboyfriend was not violent. Then he tracked her down and raped her.
While she had not been with a refuser, there is a woman here whose drug addicted refuser raped her when she decided to leave him. That brutality was not the kind of sex she had longed for.
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 17, 2017 8:53:21 GMT -5
I would echo the cautionary advice you got from others above. It seems your H may have become accustomed to controlling your life and has come to expect that to continue. Your taking that control away from him might bring about an angry response. Keep your new housing plans to yourself except for those that absolutely need to know and make sure they don't let that information out. Keep your wits about when leaving work because he may well try to follow you. Perhaps you shouldn't go directly to your new place. I also recall the member here who's H raped her when he thought she might be leaving. As he knows you are leaving you might as well write off any money you gave him. He isn't about to finance your moving out.
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