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Post by eternaloptimism on Oct 1, 2017 1:26:40 GMT -5
Call it karma, call it bad luck, call it my fault but after leaving my (now ex) husband after 15 years of a sexless marriage here I am living with the love of my life and we haven't had sex for 8 months. Lots of cuddling, kissing and stroking but no sex. I have talked very frankly to him but he just says he doesn't feel like it. I am (almost) back to where I was after all of the pain (emotional, practical and financial) of breaking up my marriage. Ot just seems - poetic - and as if I have been running from what is actually my destiny: a sexless relationship. I recommend exploring energy healing/tantric healing to sort your life out. It is obviously as alternative as it gets and by no means "scientific", but if it interests you, let me know and I am happy to send you reading material. Sorry to cut in here, but @teer I've started looking into this and plan on attending some kind of workshop or event at some point. I'd like to find a tantra teacher really. Eveything in the UK seems London based. Can you recommend any online resources for a home practice?
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Post by McRoomMate on Oct 1, 2017 12:55:51 GMT -5
Erectile Dysfunction problem - nothing more and nothing less??? . . .
Kissing and cuddling . . . it is not much further to go all way when there is that kind of physical attraction and intimacy.
Ask his Doctor to prescribe him Viagra or Cialis. Sounds like it is an ED problem due to medication and he may be embarrassed about the ED - Any man would.
If he is too embarrassed you can order on the Internet. Worth a try?
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Post by takestwototango on Oct 1, 2017 18:22:37 GMT -5
Since he has mental health issues, has he changed medications right around the start of the sexless period? A lot of medications have sexual side effects, and some Drs don't aways tell about the "minor" side effects. He could no longer be thinking about sex or be able to have an erection since taking any new medication. This is true. My husband had this problem in his first marriage. And it seems that it may be happening again! We will find out soon, hopefully.
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Post by McRoomMate on Oct 2, 2017 3:01:21 GMT -5
Northstarmom - I find your posts interesting and helpful to read and will think about them carefully. I have a long history of having been emotionally and physically abused since childhood and have been sexually assaulted a couple of times as an adult - including being raped by my first husband. My second husband was lovely and very caring but asexual. hopingforchange - His antidepressant was increased by 50% after another major depressive breakdown in March. Stupid me, I hadn't thought about that! The AD he takes is well known to cause ED but it works for him and as he rapidly becomes actively suicidal I am very, very, reluctant to suggest medication change. He did mention Viagra to me a few months ago though. After many years of dysfunctional relationships - and having a vague awareness that I might have something to do with it (ahem) - I started going to a psychotherapist a while ago - about 5 sessions later and I am learning more about myself in a month than I could have ever figured out. The focus of my psychotherapist sessions is relationships -and everything is contributing to this from early childhood and relationship with parents and personality characteristics that emerged. Well worth it if you ask me. If you can - try going to a psychotherapist or similar professional and even start off your session with the above post you made.
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Post by JMX on Oct 2, 2017 21:35:36 GMT -5
mathdoll - I remember you!! Good to have you back! I am not sure embarking in a relationship with Mr. Aspie was a well-thought out plan, except - you may be conditioned to cling onto non-emotional or sexual types given your history. Get thee to therapy! Sort it out later. 8 months is too long.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Oct 4, 2017 7:35:49 GMT -5
Thanks JMX. I'm just so tired. I was made redundant a couple of months ago and my Dad is terminally ill. I juts can't believe how much shittier my life keeps getting. And its so hard with 'Mr Aspie'. Whenever we discuss anything serious he immediately starts saying that I am being diificult or weird (talk about projection). If I don't stop talking he then tells me to leave and find another home. If it is about money - which it has been recently then he says 'I have plenty of money. Its you that should be worried. I feel sorry for you. You have really fucked things up. You shouldn't have left your husband - now you have nothing.' Then I get the silent treatment for hours. Its just ...cruel. I have nowhere else to go as I don't have an income and my savings are nowhere near enough to buy anything. At the moment I wish I were dead. And that isn't an exaggeration. I have just had enough and see no end to the shit, just see it getting worse asI am getting older, poorer amd sicker.
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 4, 2017 7:49:20 GMT -5
mathdollIt sounds like you have a man you love and I'm sure he loves you too, however sometimes that's not enough. We all know that with the absence of sex the love perishes over time. It also sounds like you are in a tough predicament financially and not so independent if I'm understanding correctly. If I were in your shoes I would start planning my escape and that may take a year or so but I would keep the peace, not bother him for sex, as well I would be less affectionate - he can't have his cake and eat it too - if he wants to cuddle then he better put out. Focus on yourself, your health, your finances, a job or a better job, and your independence. I would basically keep the peace with the roommate and plan my escape, as well I'd probably outsource too but that's me! I empathize for your situation - the good news: you aren't married!!
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Post by takestwototango on Oct 4, 2017 13:10:16 GMT -5
Thanks JMX. I'm just so tired. I was made redundant a couple of months ago and my Dad is terminally ill. I juts can't believe how much shittier my life keeps getting. And its so hard with 'Mr Aspie'. Whenever we discuss anything serious he immediately starts saying that I am being diificult or weird (talk about projection). If I don't stop talking he then tells me to leave and find another home. If it is about money - which it has been recently then he says 'I have plenty of money. Its you that should be worried. I feel sorry for you. You have really fucked things up. You shouldn't have left your husband - now you have nothing.' Then I get the silent treatment for hours. Its just ...cruel. I have nowhere else to go as I don't have an income and my savings are nowhere near enough to buy anything. At the moment I wish I were dead. And that isn't an exaggeration. I have just had enough and see no end to the shit, just see it getting worse asI am getting older, poorer amd sicker. mathdoll, I know how you feel. I have felt that way for quite a while. I got to where I really just wanted to end it all. The only thing that really keeps me from doing that is my son. And I don't want to give my H that satisfaction, either. I am trying to just live with it now because I want to go to school and finish my education, then I'll have a job that will pay for me to live on my own. The H is not happy about me going to school, but atm I don't give a crap how he feels since he doesn't care about how I feel. I was trying to talk to him at lunch today about our relationship and he just kept staring at his phone, playing some stupid game. I finally told him to just go back to work and not come home until he could decide whether or not he cared about the marriage. I'm ready to go work at McD's if I have to, just so I can be happy.
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 4, 2017 13:41:22 GMT -5
Thanks JMX. I'm just so tired. I was made redundant a couple of months ago and my Dad is terminally ill. I juts can't believe how much shittier my life keeps getting. And its so hard with 'Mr Aspie'. Whenever we discuss anything serious he immediately starts saying that I am being diificult or weird (talk about projection). If I don't stop talking he then tells me to leave and find another home. If it is about money - which it has been recently then he says 'I have plenty of money. Its you that should be worried. I feel sorry for you. You have really fucked things up. You shouldn't have left your husband - now you have nothing.' Then I get the silent treatment for hours. Its just ...cruel. I have nowhere else to go as I don't have an income and my savings are nowhere near enough to buy anything. At the moment I wish I were dead. And that isn't an exaggeration. I have just had enough and see no end to the shit, just see it getting worse asI am getting older, poorer amd sicker. mathdoll, I know how you feel. I have felt that way for quite a while. I got to where I really just wanted to end it all. The only thing that really keeps me from doing that is my son. And I don't want to give my H that satisfaction, either. I am trying to just live with it now because I want to go to school and finish my education, then I'll have a job that will pay for me to live on my own. The H is not happy about me going to school, but atm I don't give a crap how he feels since he doesn't care about how I feel. I was trying to talk to him at lunch today about our relationship and he just kept staring at his phone, playing some stupid game. I finally told him to just go back to work and not come home until he could decide whether or not he cared about the marriage. I'm ready to go work at McD's if I have to, just so I can be happy. Stay the course. Work towards your goal and find your happiness!
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 4, 2017 14:15:59 GMT -5
Mathdoll,
Having been suicidally depressed, lost a job, had a parent die all at the same time when I was in my sm with a man who couldn't tolerate talking about my concerns, I have great empathy.
Please get help for your depression. I know money is tight but it will be hard for you to address your other concerns if you remain seriously depressed. Horrible as your situation is, there are ways out that don't include suicide, and if you feel better, you will be able to see and find them.
Research has indicated medication combined with therapy is the best treatment for depression. It did turn my life around for the better. It also is worth the effort to get free phone counseling from a suicide hotline. That's what suicide and crisis hotlines are for.
If you are in the us, there should be government funded service in your area that offers free, excellent employment services. Careersource is what does it in my state. I used my local one and eventually got a decent job, better than what I lost. Your state economic opportunity office should be able to provide info.
Holding you in my thoughts.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 4, 2017 15:29:30 GMT -5
mathdoll. Hang on, there. You will make it through. This might be TMI. Many years ago, my life had taken a number of turns for the worst. I found myself considering my life insurance policy for my family, and, the coldness of the calculation was no more thought provoking than going to the grocery store for a gallon of milk. The only saving grace was that I did not want to make a mess in the house. I just want to let you know you aren't the only one that has been in a really dark place. You are among friends here. You'll make it through this, and you will be glad you did.
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 4, 2017 18:46:40 GMT -5
Thanks JMX. I'm just so tired. I was made redundant a couple of months ago and my Dad is terminally ill. I juts can't believe how much shittier my life keeps getting. And its so hard with 'Mr Aspie'. Whenever we discuss anything serious he immediately starts saying that I am being diificult or weird (talk about projection). If I don't stop talking he then tells me to leave and find another home. If it is about money - which it has been recently then he says 'I have plenty of money. Its you that should be worried. I feel sorry for you. You have really fucked things up. You shouldn't have left your husband - now you have nothing.' Then I get the silent treatment for hours. Its just ...cruel. I have nowhere else to go as I don't have an income and my savings are nowhere near enough to buy anything. At the moment I wish I were dead. And that isn't an exaggeration. I have just had enough and see no end to the shit, just see it getting worse asI am getting older, poorer amd sicker. I've been in the dark place as well. I thought, I could drive the van off the bridge.
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Post by h on Oct 4, 2017 19:37:12 GMT -5
Thanks JMX. I'm just so tired. I was made redundant a couple of months ago and my Dad is terminally ill. I juts can't believe how much shittier my life keeps getting. And its so hard with 'Mr Aspie'. Whenever we discuss anything serious he immediately starts saying that I am being diificult or weird (talk about projection). If I don't stop talking he then tells me to leave and find another home. If it is about money - which it has been recently then he says 'I have plenty of money. Its you that should be worried. I feel sorry for you. You have really fucked things up. You shouldn't have left your husband - now you have nothing.' Then I get the silent treatment for hours. Its just ...cruel. I have nowhere else to go as I don't have an income and my savings are nowhere near enough to buy anything. At the moment I wish I were dead. And that isn't an exaggeration. I have just had enough and see no end to the shit, just see it getting worse asI am getting older, poorer amd sicker. I've been in the dark place as well. I thought, I could drive the van off the bridge. My most frequent thought was: seatbelt off, speeding into a bridge abutment. Glad those thoughts are behind me.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Oct 4, 2017 19:56:31 GMT -5
Thank you for your posts.
I have just come back to bed after spending an hour on the bathroom floor sitting staring at the pills that would finish it all.
The Drs restrict the number of antidepressants, sleeping pills and pain pills I have because of my last serious attempt. They don't seem to realise that the drugs for my heart condition are far more lethal and I have several hundreds of those.
Why am I back upstairs without the pills? Because I have a 28 year old son whose life I have already fucked up more than enough.
ironhamster - I totally get 'not wanting to make mess'. Every plan I ever make involves minimising mess and trauma for others, although I often think about the car too. The risk of involving others keeps the car on the road though.
The truth is that a large part of why I stayed so long was because I was worried about being homeless as well as jobless. When I told him today that when I leave I am never coming back he looked me straight in the eye, smirking and said 'You said that last time.' He is going to be surprised when I block all contact once I am out of the house. The reason I went back last time was the intense sexual attraction - well now we are sexless that is also dead in the water.
I may be rambling because of the drugs I have taken to try and sleep so I am sorry.
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 4, 2017 20:15:16 GMT -5
Thank you for your posts. I have just come back to bed after spending an hour on the bathroom floor sitting staring at the pills that would finish it all. The Drs restrict the number of antidepressants, sleeping pills and pain pills I have because of my last serious attempt. They don't seem to realise that the drugs for my heart condition are far more lethal and I have several hundreds of those. Why am I back upstairs without the pills? Because I have a 28 year old son whose life I have already fucked up more than enough. ironhamster - I totally get 'not wanting to make mess'. Every plan I ever make involves minimising mess and trauma for others, although I often think about the car too. The risk of involving others keeps the car on the road though. The truth is that a large part of why I stayed so long was because I was worried about being homeless as well as jobless. When I told him today that when I leave I am never coming back he looked me straight in the eye, smirking and said 'You said that last time.' He is going to be surprised when I block all contact once I am out of the house. The reason I went back last time was the intense sexual attraction - well now we are sexless that is also dead in the water. I may be rambling because of the drugs I have taken to try and sleep so I am sorry. Feel free to ramble on, we all have from time to time. Sometimes it keeps is from doing other things. Far too many of us here, including my self, have been in that dark hell hole if a place. This forum and a special person here, has been key to helping dig my self out of my depression.
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