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Post by cassiopeia92 on May 13, 2019 15:34:04 GMT -5
Thats why he got angry when I brought up the subject..wow
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Post by flashjohn on May 16, 2019 11:25:32 GMT -5
The worst for me was just after, many years ago. He had just rubbed me to an orgasm after not touching me for a long time, he said, there that should last you for a few weeks. I cried myself to sleep. Wow, what an asshole!
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Post by ironhamster on May 17, 2019 10:19:37 GMT -5
The worst for me was just after, many years ago. He had just rubbed me to an orgasm after not touching me for a long time, he said, there that should last you for a few weeks. I cried myself to sleep. Dittos on him being an asshole. There is an old saying, "Remain silent and be thought a fool, or speak and remove all doubt." As painful as that is he gave you the gift of clarity. After that, there is no doubt where you stand. The only question is, what do you do aftee you find out.
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Post by northstarmom on May 17, 2019 10:25:55 GMT -5
cassiopeia said: "The worst for me was just after, many years ago. He had just rubbed me to an orgasm after not touching me for a long time, he said, there that should last you for a few weeks."
Said by a man who obviously has no concept of how sex connects to love and intimacy. I don't view him as being an asshole or cruel. I think that is the way he views sex with his partner: a chore to keep her from bothering him and trying to get him to do something he either finds distasteful or sees no point in. Thus, they are incompatible. Expecting him to become a person who enjoys sex with his partner is like expecting a blind man to change and start enjoying rainbows.
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Post by cassiopeia92 on May 17, 2019 11:27:06 GMT -5
cassiopeia Said by a man who obviously has no concept of how sex connects to love and intimacy. I don't view him as being an asshole or cruel. I think that is the way he views sex with his partner: a chore to keep her from bothering him and trying to get him to do something he either finds distasteful or sees no point in. Thus, they are incompatible. Expecting him to become a person who enjoys sex with his partner is like expecting a blind man to change and start enjoying rainbows. And there I think you have it. I have come to realise this is a man with serious issues that I could never even begin to heal or help. Porn isnt the worst of it.
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Post by northstarmom on May 17, 2019 11:31:51 GMT -5
cassiopeia92: You have said he loves you. From what you've posted, however, the kind of love he appears to feel for you is that he loves having you around to save his life, help with finances, and keep him from being lonely....
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Post by cassiopeia92 on May 17, 2019 11:41:12 GMT -5
cassiopeia92: You have said he loves you. From what you've posted, however, the kind of love he appears to feel for you is that he loves having you around to save his life, help with finances, and keep him from being lonely.... I cant follow that!
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Post by northstarmom on May 17, 2019 11:46:47 GMT -5
He loves you for what you do for him. Your wellbeing isn't important to him.
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Post by choosinghappy on May 18, 2019 15:00:41 GMT -5
He loves you for what you do for him. Your wellbeing isn't important to him. I remember this was a hard lesson for me to learn. When trying to decide whether to stay or leave I certainly approached my SM from the position of: “well he is asexual but I know he loves me”. And even now after divorcing I don’t doubt he loved me. But it was a bit jarring just how quickly he appeared to unemotionally move on without regards to my feelings when there was a time that it felt like I agonized over whether or not he would be “okay” if I left. Yup, he’s okay. I overestimated his feelings for me when we were married. I wouldn’t be surprised if many here make that same mistake.
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Post by ironhamster on May 19, 2019 9:23:58 GMT -5
He loves you for what you do for him. Your wellbeing isn't important to him. I remember this was a hard lesson for me to learn. When trying to decide whether to stay or leave I certainly approached my SM from the position of: “well he is asexual but I know he loves me”. And even now after divorcing I don’t doubt he loved me. But it was a bit jarring just how quickly he appeared to unemotionally move on without regards to my feelings when there was a time that it felt like I agonized over whether or not he would be “okay” if I left. Yup, he’s okay. I overestimated his feelings for me when we were married. I wouldn’t be surprised if many here make that same mistake. The most painful thing for me to move on was not the lack of sex. It was the lack of love. There was no attempt on her part to understand me and accept me. I believe she even went out of her way to justify the lack of sex in her own mind. She had NO PROBLEM accepting all the perks of the marriage, such as social status, a nice home, and plenty of cash to burn through. No. It wasn't love. I don't know if it ever was, but what she did enjoy was control.
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firefollower
Full Member
Only you can prevent forest fires
Posts: 154
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by firefollower on May 19, 2019 10:39:35 GMT -5
I remember this was a hard lesson for me to learn. When trying to decide whether to stay or leave I certainly approached my SM from the position of: “well he is asexual but I know he loves me”. And even now after divorcing I don’t doubt he loved me. But it was a bit jarring just how quickly he appeared to unemotionally move on without regards to my feelings when there was a time that it felt like I agonized over whether or not he would be “okay” if I left. Yup, he’s okay. I overestimated his feelings for me when we were married. I wouldn’t be surprised if many here make that same mistake. The most painful thing for me to move on was not the lack of sex. It was the lack of love. There was no attempt on her part to understand me and accept me. I believe she even went out of her way to justify the lack of sex in her own mind. She had NO PROBLEM accepting all the perks of the marriage, such as social status, a nice home, and plenty of cash to burn through. No. It wasn't love. I don't know if it ever was, but what she did enjoy was control. Yes, I think that it is the hardest thing...the lack of sex is what we miss...but if we are really honest with ourselves, it is the lack of companionship and wanting to make us happy. That is harder to accept. Especially when we would do anything for our spouses if they would just show that they care about us.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2019 19:05:49 GMT -5
The most painful thing for me to move on was not the lack of sex. It was the lack of love. There was no attempt on her part to understand me and accept me. I believe she even went out of her way to justify the lack of sex in her own mind. She had NO PROBLEM accepting all the perks of the marriage, such as social status, a nice home, and plenty of cash to burn through. No. It wasn't love. I don't know if it ever was, but what she did enjoy was control. Yes, I think that it is the hardest thing...the lack of sex is what we miss...but if we are really honest with ourselves, it is the lack of companionship and wanting to make us happy. That is harder to accept. Especially when we would do anything for our spouses if they would just show that they care about us. It is hard to accept and even harder to realize that waiting for someone to make you whole doesn't work. Take care of yourself first and see where your new-found confidence takes you. As we've all seen on this board....it usually takes you somewhere away from your current "partner".
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Post by nyctos on May 21, 2019 6:47:37 GMT -5
Smith 227 He’s just taken his dick out the slit in his boxers that’s used for pissing? That sounds lame and lazy. With me it all comes off, even everything of hers. Caressing hands need unimpeded skin to skin access. And don't try stopping any form of kissing. Sex with your clothes ON, no way. A good dig with the "do you want your coat on?" Priceless! Sex with your clothes on is fine -- in fact it's pretty hard to get away with if you take them all off. We are talking about doing it public places, right? 😃
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Post by nyctos on May 21, 2019 6:58:51 GMT -5
The worst for me was just after, many years ago. He had just rubbed me to an orgasm after not touching me for a long time, he said, there that should last you for a few weeks. I cried myself to sleep. That is the cruelest, most callous thing I have heard. I'm so sorry. I agree, that's fucking vicious. Northstarmom might think he's just an idiot, but I find it hard to believe he wouldn't have realized that's a harsh thing to say.
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Post by northstarmom on May 21, 2019 8:23:17 GMT -5
I don’t think the man is an idiot. I think that from the beginning of their relationship he has told Cassiopeia that he’s not into sex with her. He has been very clear about that. She has refused to believe him. There’s been no bait and switch. There is willful blindness on her part.
Here is what she posted earlier this month on the Choosing to Stay forum:
“Thinking about when we met in person after online and I moved in to kiss him passionately and touch him and he pushed me away and said, its not going to be like that. He was right, it has never got better.
About no sex on the wedding night and not for several weeks.
About the oceans of tears I have cried.
About several months after the wedding when he tells me he loves me but is not in love with me. About thinking if I was just good enough, giving enough, loving enough it would make the difference.
About the almost 18 years of his porn addiction....”
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