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Post by nyctos on May 21, 2019 8:31:58 GMT -5
I don’t think the man is an idiot. I think that from the beginning of their relationship he has told Cassiopeia that he’s not into sex with her. He has been very clear about that. She has refused to believe him. There’s been no bait and switch. There is willful blindness on her part. Here is what she posted earlier this month on the Choosing to Stay forum: “Thinking about when we met in person after online and I moved in to kiss him passionately and touch him and he pushed me away and said, its not going to be like that. He was right, it has never got better. About no sex on the wedding night and not for several weeks. About the oceans of tears I have cried. About several months after the wedding when he tells me he loves me but is not in love with me. About thinking if I was just good enough, giving enough, loving enough it would make the difference. About the almost 18 years of his porn addiction....” I didn't say he'd baited and switched her, just that his statement is cruel and even if he has no sexual feelings he should be aware that the statement was cruel.
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Post by northstarmom on May 21, 2019 8:37:04 GMT -5
I know you didn’t say he baited and switched her. I mentioned that because at least one person has assumed that was true.
Whether or not he was deliberately cruel in his comment, he has been clear from the beginning of the relationship that a physical relationship with her doesn’t interest him. Still, she keeps trying to get him to have one. He may find that as cruel as she found his remark. You can’t make someone love you the way you want. If she’s just willing to settle for companionship and help paying bills, he’s her man. Otherwise, they are not compatible.
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Post by Handy on May 21, 2019 17:51:27 GMT -5
Nyctos Sex with your clothes on is fine -- in fact it's pretty hard to get away with if you take them all off.
We are talking about doing it public places, right?
No sex in public for me. I like privacy where I don't have to be concerned about anything other than what we are doing.
OTH, sex in a remote place might be fun.
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Post by cassiopeia92 on May 22, 2019 0:43:16 GMT -5
I know you didn’t say he baited and switched her. I mentioned that because at least one person has assumed that was true. Whether or not he was deliberately cruel in his comment, he has been clear from the beginning of the relationship that a physical relationship with her doesn’t interest him. Still, she keeps trying to get him to have one. He may find that as cruel as she found his remark. You can’t make someone love you the way you want. If she’s just willing to settle for companionship and help paying bills, he’s her man. Otherwise, they are not compatible. I have only just seen this and you are correct and not correct. Before he came to the UK I sent him very candid photos. We had phone sex on a regular basis. He sent me gifts, beautiful love letters, the love letters were amazing. When he arrived although he pushed me away he did have sex with me and he was affectionate with cuddles and tenderness. I should never have married him, I know that now, but at the time I felt differently. After the wedding his attitude towards me changed. Yes I have refused to accept his lack of interest in me, on the other hand when I have said he is not interested he has said that is not true. For the last 11 years I have not raised the subject nor tried anything, he could not get the one treatment that would work and I accepted that. I did not ask him to get treatment, our lack of a sex life came up when he said we are both asexual and I commented in sn offhand way that he might be but I am multi orgasmic at this stage. Then I got out of the car and came into the house. He was the one who asked me to get the appointment. He said, it is not that I dont desire you, HE said that with no prompting from me. He made sexual contact with me. On the day of the appointment as we were sbout to leave hr expressed worry about injecting. I ssid if uou dont want to go tell me and I will call and cancel. Look for years I accepted things as they were, I told myself that I didnt enjoy sex because of things that happened in my first marriage. He was the one who woke a sleeping tiger as it were. So I came here for support. You made an observation as to what I get from this. Perhaps you are right and what I need is just to leave here and accept things again.
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Post by baza on May 23, 2019 3:28:09 GMT -5
Staying in ones ILIASM deal is every bit as valid a choice as leaving it Sister cassiopeia92 . If you go through the process of taking a full inventory of your marriage, and checking out all of the options available to you, then you can make a fully informed choice, based on your best longer term interests. What that choice is, is entirely at your discretion. There's no right/wrong to it. Under your evaluation the situation adds up to "stay". Someone else, under the same circumstances, may make an evaluation that adds up to "leave". The key is, has one truly checked out all the options ? Is one making a fully informed choice ? If one has truly checked out all the options, done their sums, and then made their fully informed choice, then they have made the "right" choice .... for themselves. Most people who arrive here are all too familiar with the "stay" option. After all, they've been living it, But not all people are familiar with what the "leave" option might look like. So a helluva lot of the comments here ask some pretty pointed questions about the "stay" option, and lay out the case for the "leave" option. But behind it all, the idea is to encourage making a "fully informed" choice .... whatever that choice might be. If you are making a fully informed choice to stay Sister cassiopeia92 , would you consider remaining in the group as an active contributor ?
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Post by northstarmom on May 23, 2019 4:47:03 GMT -5
Cassiopeia, if you have decided to stay in your SM, the Choosing to Stay forum here would be a good fit. You can express there your feelings about and experiences with your sm and people will listen and relate but respect your choice to stay.
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Post by cassiopeia92 on May 23, 2019 6:58:14 GMT -5
Staying in ones ILIASM deal is every bit as valid a choice as leaving it Sister cassiopeia92 . If you go through the process of taking a full inventory of your marriage, and checking out all of the options available to you, then you can make a fully informed choice, based on your best longer term interests. What that choice is, is entirely at your discretion. There's no right/wrong to it. Under your evaluation the situation adds up to "stay". Someone else, under the same circumstances, may make an evaluation that adds up to "leave". The key is, has one truly checked out all the options ? Is one making a fully informed choice ? If one has truly checked out all the options, done their sums, and then made their fully informed choice, then they have made the "right" choice .... for themselves. Most people who arrive here are all too familiar with the "stay" option. After all, they've been living it, But not all people are familiar with what the "leave" option might look like. So a helluva lot of the comments here ask some pretty pointed questions about the "stay" option, and lay out the case for the "leave" option. But behind it all, the idea is to encourage making a "fully informed" choice .... whatever that choice might be. If you are making a fully informed choice to stay Sister cassiopeia92 , would you consider remaining in the group as an active contributor ? Yes I would. Either way I would, because stay or leave I cant change anything.
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Post by GoldenBubble on Jun 2, 2019 10:55:42 GMT -5
I get annoyed with my DH because after we have awesome, mind-blowing intimacy he makes jokes or says stupid, middle school things that ruin the afterglow for me.
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Post by Handy on Jun 2, 2019 11:03:16 GMT -5
Goldenbubble I get annoyed with my DH because after we have awesome, mind-blowing intimacy he makes jokes or says stupid, middle school things that ruin the afterglow for me.
Welcome to ILIASM.
I can relate to the stupid jokes because I kept thinking that way for too long. Although I always kept those ideas to myself.
Those school age jokes made him and others feel like they understood sexuality but guess what, thinking he knew sexuality back then was off base and not reality. Your H needs to learn about sexuality from other people's perspective and realize sexuality is about varried as there are numbers of different people. He needs to realize there are some general rules / truths about sexuality but even those general rules do not apply to all people or in all situations.
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larry101
Junior Member
Posts: 45
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by larry101 on Jun 3, 2019 23:05:19 GMT -5
Well this pales in comparison to most posted, but I get this frequently my blood boils none the less.
"why don't we do this more often?"
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Post by sweetplumeria on Jun 17, 2019 1:06:42 GMT -5
I will start with reset sex line from refuser maybe others will add some 1. Let's get this over with (kind of killed the mood) well more then killed the mood, crushed my soul "I took a pill" said behind me while I was prepping for a college exam that had an online mandatory starting time in 20 minutes. I took the test. Sat there contemplating how 4 play was now "I took a pill". That was the very last time I let him touch me. That was 2013.
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okiedude
Junior Member
Learning to live with my Situation.
Posts: 87
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by okiedude on Jun 17, 2019 20:33:36 GMT -5
As she puts her cold foot on me and rubs my leg (first touch in weeks) Me: "What are you doing?" "I am trying to hit on you, isn't that what you want?..." Me Sure thanks....
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Post by heathcliff on Jun 20, 2019 7:05:47 GMT -5
Well this pales in comparison to most posted, but I get this frequently my blood boils none the less. "why don't we do this more often?" I have gotten that. It really pisses me off.
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Post by notdeadyet on Jun 22, 2019 15:26:31 GMT -5
MY fave... after spending 10 minutes working it in (tight as a coke bottle) "can you come fast?"
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Post by csl on Jun 23, 2019 7:22:08 GMT -5
MY fave... after spending 10 minutes working it in (tight as a coke bottle) "can you come fast?" Vaginismus problem?
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