tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on May 26, 2017 18:23:56 GMT -5
Thanks everyone. I just wish society was more acceptable of homosexuals then people like me wouldn't be blindsided and deceived. I'm working my way to independence. I hope to eventually get to a place of freedom
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tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on May 26, 2017 18:29:54 GMT -5
I wouldn't know where to look for a no strings attached side piece. It's such a screwy crazy scenario. I've had a year in therapy but that was before he came clean and actually admitted to adultery. I have a supportive family willing to help. I have a feeling I'm dealing with a mastermind sociopath. Sounds like his religious hang ups had him living in fear of who he really is at your expense. As far as where to find a side piece - Tinder or POF has a lot of available single men to meet your sexual needs. It's not his religious hangups it's his extreme need to be accepted and looked upon highly as a "macho man" because he has no self esteem. He'd die before he admits he's gay or bi. A coward.
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Post by baza on May 26, 2017 19:02:02 GMT -5
You are among kindred people here Sister tori Plenty of people wrestling with the problem of being hooked up to a totally incompatible spouse. "Why" the spouse is incompatible varies from case to case, and very often "why" the spouse is incompatible is never discovered. But the choices confronting *all* persons with a totally incompatible spouse are the same. You stay You cheat You leave "Why" the spouse is incompatible doesn't matter. The "why" does not make one iota's difference to the available choices. The spouse might be gay, as in your deal. The spouse may be a self entitled shrew, like greatcoastal's deal. The spouse might be a complete cockhead like, like darktippedrose's deal. Or nuts, like sdiamond's deal. Or just plain old avoidant, intimacy averse, asexual, religously repressed, suffering from real or imagined past trauma etc etc etc. But here, everyone starts from a common base. Your spouse is incompatible. That is the great leveller, as your choices from this point are the same as everybody else's.
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Post by bballgirl on May 26, 2017 19:24:46 GMT -5
Sounds like his religious hang ups had him living in fear of who he really is at your expense. As far as where to find a side piece - Tinder or POF has a lot of available single men to meet your sexual needs. It's not his religious hangups it's his extreme need to be accepted and looked upon highly as a "macho man" because he has no self esteem. He'd die before he admits he's gay or bi. A coward. I understand and I truly feel for you.
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tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on May 26, 2017 19:27:34 GMT -5
You are among kindred people here Sister tori Plenty of people wrestling with the problem of being hooked up to a totally incompatible spouse. "Why" the spouse is incompatible varies from case to case, and very often "why" the spouse is incompatible is never discovered. But the choices confronting *all* persons with a totally incompatible spouse are the same. You stay You cheat You leave "Why" the spouse is incompatible doesn't matter. The "why" does not make one iota's difference to the available choices. The spouse might be gay, as in your deal. The spouse may be a self entitled shrew, like greatcoastal's deal. The spouse might be a complete cockhead like, like darktippedrose's deal. Or nuts, like sdiamond's deal. Or just plain old avoidant, like many refusing spouses seen here. Thank you baza😊 I've been reading some of these heart breaking stories. I get the incompatibility part. I would have never been able to marry my husband if I didn't want him sexually. I wonder why others enter a commitment without attraction? I have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that there are people that don't want sex.....omg I'd give a lot to have a man with a healthy appetite for sex!
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tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on May 26, 2017 19:29:10 GMT -5
It's not his religious hangups it's his extreme need to be accepted and looked upon highly as a "macho man" because he has no self esteem. He'd die before he admits he's gay or bi. A coward. I understand and I truly feel for you. Thanks bballgirl. I really appreciate that.
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Post by seabr33z3 on May 26, 2017 20:37:37 GMT -5
Well the title of this thread says it all. I'm new here..sort of. I joined this site a year ago after I found out my husband has been paying for sex with transsexuals ( not sure that term accurately describes men with breast implants) so forgive me if I'm not being politically correct. I mean no disrespect. My husband gets off to men. But he's not gay....sigh. I have sacrificed the past 16 years for someone that I don't even know. OUCH! I wonder if anyone else has been through this hell? Ah. HE'S the one who's denying he's gay. 🙄 Does he think because there's breasts involved that it means he's not? If they've still got all their tackle then that's what draws him otherwise he'd be having sex with women.
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tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on May 26, 2017 20:52:14 GMT -5
Well the title of this thread says it all. I'm new here..sort of. I joined this site a year ago after I found out my husband has been paying for sex with transsexuals ( not sure that term accurately describes men with breast implants) so forgive me if I'm not being politically correct. I mean no disrespect. My husband gets off to men. But he's not gay....sigh. I have sacrificed the past 16 years for someone that I don't even know. OUCH! I wonder if anyone else has been through this hell? Ah. HE'S the one who's denying he's gay. 🙄 Does he think because there's breasts involved that it means he's not? If they've still got all their tackle then that's what draws him otherwise he'd be having sex with women. Yes! Exactly...they (cough) "look" like women so he has convinced himself it's not engaging in homosexual behavior. Im sorry but getting a BJ from someone sporting a twig and berries, artificial boobs and a 5 o'clock shadow hardly screams I'm a heterosexual male.
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Post by northstarmom on May 26, 2017 21:43:04 GMT -5
Tori, you say you can't divorce due to finances. Have you checked that out with a lawyer? The first visit is free in many places.
I stayed for years in a sm thinking I would be destitute if I left. When I finally talked to a lawyer I learned I was entitled to 50 percent of our assets and debts. If I had waited longer, I would have been financially worse off because it ended up my husband was in a relationship with s woman abroad and was sending her money. He was planning to move abroad and leave me. I would have been left then with nothing.
Fortunately, I filed and got a fair settlement before he moved abroad.
Realize that your husband could be planning to leave you, and could be hiding assets. Hanging in there could be setting yourself up for financial ruin.
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tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on May 26, 2017 22:03:24 GMT -5
Hmmm..good point though I doubt he will leave, What will people think of him once I tell my side of the story? He wouldn't risk it. Eww, I just had crazy thought that there is a possibility my husband may leave me for another man! ~ Mind blown~ I plan to speak to an attorney. I have a decent job, I will survive but will certainly have to make major lifestyle changes. It just stinks
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Post by greatcoastal on May 26, 2017 22:21:00 GMT -5
He's already left. Finances, or the fear of him loosing them ,may be why he's staying. Or, he hasn't met "the one" yet.
Time to get a life. Yours!
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Post by Venus Erotes on May 26, 2017 22:25:05 GMT -5
I wouldn't know where to look for a no strings attached side piece. It's such a screwy crazy scenario. I've had a year in therapy but that was before he came clean and actually admitted to adultery. I have a supportive family willing to help. I have a feeling I'm dealing with a mastermind sociopath. Sounds like his religious hang ups had him living in fear of who he really is at your expense. As far as where to find a side piece - Tinder or POF has a lot of available single men to meet your sexual needs. There's sugar-daddy dating too - and to not be a "professional" on those sites is a rare thing, making you very popular. Plus men who are on sugar daddy dating sites want to take care of a woman, and they have the financial ability to do so. I met my BF on a site called "seekingarrangement". I never charged for my time, but rather expected him to treat me like a lady and pick up the check for dinner, hotel, etc. You can also benefit from their finances, as your time is valuable. So sorry your hubs is so broken he could never share with you. Keep up with counseling, figure yourself out, and get some loving attention from a man willing to give it. Lord knows there are plenty of men ready, willing and able! (((HUGS))) XOXO *V
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Post by DryCreek on May 27, 2017 1:15:19 GMT -5
tori, at the risk of appearing opportunist and mercenary, let me suggest something you seem to be overlooking... You want out of the charade. You need an attractive settlement to get out. He wants his extracurricular interests kept private. That doesn't happen if you drag each other through an ugly divorce. You both have something the other wants desperately. You both stand to lose if there's a fight. Negotiate. Not blackmail; negotiation. Talk to a lawyer to make sure you stay on the right side of that line. Get the deal you need, and be prepared to keep your mouth shut in exchange. Unlike most of us, your refuser has motivation to be cooperative.
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Post by McRoomMate on May 27, 2017 2:06:54 GMT -5
Many many good advise already given.
Also, keep in mind Transexuals apparently have a very high risk of HIV transmission. So be very careful for your life as well - you should avoid sex with him if that is still relevant.
Sorry to hear all this. Courage ! ! !
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Post by nancyb on May 27, 2017 4:10:00 GMT -5
Sorry to hear of you plight Tori. You will find plenty of support with the ILIASM community here. Good luck.
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