I came in from work to find him rolling a spliff.
I started to say "why are you still doing that? You are going to run out of money and I'm not paying for it"
Then I said "actually... it's none of my concern any more."
Cue puppy dog eyes from him.
Long dramatic pause while I wait for him to speak.
Nothing.
I asked if he was ready to talk about things?
"There's nothing to talk about"
I ask has he spoken to any friends
"Nah"
Has he any thoughts to share?
"No not really"
Very sad face.
"Is it really over?"
I tell him yes it is.
He goes to the bathroom to get baked.
I go to kitchen to make brews.
Moving out of the bedroom has been the best thing I've done.
That physical separation is brilliant. Less room for further manipulation and more time to get my own head straight.
I take him his brew and sit down in the smoky bathroom.
He's just like a lost child.
After lots of gentle probing I get him talking.
He accepts we are a bad combination. (Manipulative victim vs co dependant empath enabler... but I didn't say those words!)
He doesn't want things to be nasty and agrees the most important thing is that the kids are ok.
He understands I have decided there is no chance of trying again. I said the time to draw the line has come after many years of us both being unhappy.
He hasn't done anything in regard to seeking any help with therapy, or self improvement or anything. I don't believe he ever will. I think he will spend the rest of his life like this.
I'd love him to prove me wrong and see his worth and make the best of himself.... but I still wouldn't get back with him. I'd be happy for him.
Anyway. He's thinking ideally he'd like to stay in this house and share custody of the lads on an ad hoc basis. Depending who's working and when.
We also discussed the fact it needs proper preparation and to look at other options if this isn't viable.
I know he won't be able to do that because I've already worked out what's what in that respect.
There is a long way to go before we physically separate with the tenancy and sorting things out. I'm confident of my plan to leave here after the tenancy and stay with my mum for a few months while I look for a suitable house which I hope to buy. She will give me some of my share of her Will for a deposit. Yay!!!
He says he will make calls to find out what help he could get with housing benefit if the kids go 50/50 and to see about a shared debt of ours that he thinks he can wipe off with enough moaning about his mental health. Good luck to him with both of those. He'll need it. Such a victim mentality. Does not do responsibility!
All in all I feel good that we did some calm talking and for now, at least, he is starting to get that this is real.... without losing the plot.
The ball keeps rolling.... as does he. With the spliffs. Yes?