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Post by eternaloptimism on Jul 2, 2017 2:49:11 GMT -5
Took a positive step yesterday. I went into the estate agent to enquire whether his plan of staying in the house on his own tenancy after our contract ends at the end of October is feasible.
He brought this idea up recently even though on his wage he can't afford the rent let alone the bills.
He was planning on staying in his minimum wage 3 day a week job and claiming benefits towards the house.
He said he would look into it and hasn't.
As time is moving on and I know from years of experience that he was unlikely to make any enquiries, I decided to ask as I no longer am prepared to wait around wondering what will happen and prefer to get my ducks in a row in good time.
As it's a privately rented property rather that a council house they won't accept housing benefit. If he wanted to apply for a tenancy on his own he'd need to be earning £24k ( he earns £14k) and have a guarantor who earns the same.
While I was there I put my notice in to end the tenancy at end of Oct but she said if I change my mind they would be happy to keep me on my own as a new tenant.
So there was fun and games when I got home and told him his options!
I told him that while I was out i had popped into the estate agent to find out where he stands to stay in the house.
The second I said they won't take housing benefit he blew up. He went worse when he realised he'd need to earn 24k and have a guarantor.
Major blow up again from him. Again in front of my 9yo son and again ending in a child in tears.
Thank God I'm now able to stay calm, rational and non argumentative.
He loves to be a victim. To act like everything happens to him and he has no choices. To blame me. He even said that I'm a selfish cow because only I will win from this situation after all the years he has put in to looking after the kids while I get my great career.
He said disgusting things about me and I think he genuinely believes I'm an awful person who has set out to break him!
One has to laugh!
This coming from a university educated man. I only have my gcses!
I've succeeded in my career this far DESPITE being with him. Certainly not because of being with him.
Anyone who truly wanted to stay around for their kids would be upping their game, looking to make more money, taking action.
Not him. He says he'll just go back to his home town. Other side of the country.
I'm the worst person on the planet. I've dragged him from his previously happy and perfect life and ruined his life now. He says.
That was my cue to ask why on earth he would want to be with me then when he can just go back to his happy life back in his home town? He said I'm right. Glad we agree on that!
He really is twisted inside his head. I feel very sorry for him. He will be like this forever unless he gets help.
I don't plan on being around to witness any more of it and refuse to be responsible for him any more.
I'm hopeful now that he might just go back home. The sooner the better for me. Much as that will upset the kids, I believe without him around we will get on with life much better.
Ugh. Thank god I've been working on myself. This is exactly the kind of thing that would have twisted me back to staying before.
He shut himself in his bedroom (not mine anymore, still happily on the couch!) then for the rest of the day. Only moving to answer the door to his pot dealer and get baked in the bathroom.
It's such a sad situation for him. He undeniably has had a difficult childhood and early adulthood. No question. But he doesn't want to sort himself out. He wants a mother not a partner.
But it's onward and upward for me and the boys!
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Post by baza on Jul 2, 2017 3:12:16 GMT -5
I too hope he just goes back to his home town to realise his ambition of being a deadbeat. But I'd be betting that there are a few twists left in the tale here before / if this happens. Please be careful Sister eternaloptimism , real careful.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jul 2, 2017 7:23:06 GMT -5
You might as well ratchet up the stress level to make him leave sooner. You could tell him the next time he calls his dealer you are calling the police.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2017 8:28:55 GMT -5
You might as well ratchet up the stress level to make him leave sooner. You could tell him the next time he calls his dealer you are calling the police. I agree with hoping' on this. It's time to protect yourself and kids. If he does flip out and say police get called, they smell weed in the house all fingers point at the mother for being the bad parent for allowing this. You're the one that has allowed your kids to be in a drug house. And it sounds like your husband would play that card
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 2, 2017 8:53:36 GMT -5
You might as well ratchet up the stress level to make him leave sooner. You could tell him the next time he calls his dealer you are calling the police. I agree with hoping' on this. It's time to protect yourself and kids. If he does flip out and say police get called, they smell weed in the house all fingers point at the mother for being the bad parent for allowing this. You're the one that has allowed your kids to be in a drug house. And it sounds like your husband would play that card Holy crap. Leave it to the courts to get it bass-ackwards.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 2, 2017 10:34:56 GMT -5
"Took a positive step yesterday. I went into the estate agent to enquire whether his plan of staying in the house on his own tenancy after our contract ends at the end of October is feasible." Is there a reason that this has to be your responsibility? Can you just move out at the time you'd scheduled, and let him deal with his own housing? If he wants to keep his head in the sand, he will have to deal with the consequences. Your not taking responsibility also would prevent his getting volcanic again at you, and upsetting your child. As for the illegal pot, I am concerned about the legal aspects that you might face due to his behavior. If law authorities find it in the house, you, too, might be charged, and also may have your child taken away. It would be worth it to determine what would happen if you were to report your husband's pot use to police. If what would happen is they'd arrest him with no consequences to you and that arrest would hurt his getting any child cutody, then threatening to report your husband would be a threat with teeth. Also, can the landlord kick your husband out for breaking the law? That's another possibility to consider, and might make things easier for you as long as you wouldn't be evicted, too. Do keep in mind that your husband has a volcanic temper. This could put you and your child in danger. The more it sinks into your husband's mind that you'll actually be leaving, the greater the risk to you and your child, so it could be very wise to allow your husband to float along in denial, and then to clear your and your child's things out suddenly and legally at a time when he's not home. Or you could see if it would be possible to get police or other supervision. Please seriously consider my advice. I have an acquaintance whose abusive father stabbed her mom to death in front of her when my acquaintance was 17. Another friend was raped and beaten recently when she tried to break off with her abusive boyfriend. Letting or reminding such individuals that you're leaving does not tend to make things easier, but more dangerous. "The Danger Assessment addresses 15 factors that have been associated with victims of domestic violence and their risk for death. The Danger Assessmentis used with a calendar to help abused women remember all of the violent events they have experienced. A research study on the Danger Assessment l found that a woman scoring an 8 or higher is at very serious risk of being killed and a score of 4 or higher shows a significant risk for being killed. You can find a copy of this assessment tool at www.safvic.org/resources/documents/DangerAssessment.pdf. It is best to have a professional conduct the assessment; but you can look at the risk factors and see how many you think you may have before you see a trained professional. Don’t let on about your plan or intentions to leave your abuser Women are at higher risk for death when they separate from their abusive partner. But women are also at higher risk if the abuser suspects that she wants to separate or if she tells him that she intends to separate. The DVDRC found that in 81% of the domestic homicide cases, there was an actual or pending separation between the couple. So it’s really important that women do not tell the abuser about their plan to leave until after they have been able to separate safely. If the abuser has suspicions and continues to accuse herof planning to leave, an immediate safety plan needs to be put in place." onlinetraining.learningtoendabuse.ca/sites/default/files/resource_files/Guidelines%20for%20Safely%20Leaving%20an%20Abusive%20Relationship.pdf
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jul 2, 2017 10:49:02 GMT -5
"Took a positive step yesterday. I went into the estate agent to enquire whether his plan of staying in the house on his own tenancy after our contract ends at the end of October is feasible." Is there a reason that this has to be your responsibility? Can you just move out at the time you'd scheduled, and let him deal with his own housing? If he wants to keep his head in the sand, he will have to deal with the consequences. Your not taking responsibility also would prevent his getting volcanic again at you, and upsetting your child. As for the illegal pot, I am concerned about the legal aspects that you might face due to his behavior. If law authorities find it in the house, you, too, might be charged, and also may have your child taken away. It would be worth it to determine what would happen if you were to report your husband's pot use to police. If what would happen is they'd arrest him with no consequences to you and that arrest would hurt his getting any child cutody, then threatening to report your husband would be a threat with teeth. Also, can the landlord kick your husband out for breaking the law? That's another possibility to consider, and might make things easier for you as long as you wouldn't be evicted, too. Do keep in mind that your husband has a volcanic temper. This could put you and your child in danger. The more it sinks into your husband's mind that you'll actually be leaving, the greater the risk to you and your child, so it could be very wise to allow your husband to float along in denial, and then to clear your and your child's things out suddenly and legally at a time when he's not home. Or you could see if it would be possible to get police or other supervision. Please seriously consider my advice. I have an acquaintance whose abusive father stabbed her mom to death in front of her when my acquaintance was 17. Another friend was raped and beaten recently when she tried to break off with her abusive boyfriend. Letting or reminding such individuals that you're leaving does not tend to make things easier, but more dangerous. "The Danger Assessment addresses 15 factors that have been associated with victims of domestic violence and their risk for death. The Danger Assessmentis used with a calendar to help abused women remember all of the violent events they have experienced. A research study on the Danger Assessment l found that a woman scoring an 8 or higher is at very serious risk of being killed and a score of 4 or higher shows a significant risk for being killed. You can find a copy of this assessment tool at www.safvic.org/resources/documents/DangerAssessment.pdf. It is best to have a professional conduct the assessment; but you can look at the risk factors and see how many you think you may have before you see a trained professional. Don’t let on about your plan or intentions to leave your abuser Women are at higher risk for death when they separate from their abusive partner. But women are also at higher risk if the abuser suspects that she wants to separate or if she tells him that she intends to separate. The DVDRC found that in 81% of the domestic homicide cases, there was an actual or pending separation between the couple. So it’s really important that women do not tell the abuser about their plan to leave until after they have been able to separate safely. If the abuser has suspicions and continues to accuse herof planning to leave, an immediate safety plan needs to be put in place." onlinetraining.learningtoendabuse.ca/sites/default/files/resource_files/Guidelines%20for%20Safely%20Leaving%20an%20Abusive%20Relationship.pdfThank you for all this NSM. I don't believe I'm in danger. But then again I've nothing to judge that against really. I'll do that danger assessment and see where it puts me. I'm called eternal optimism for a reason 😬Xx
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jul 2, 2017 10:56:17 GMT -5
You know it's times like this I just wish I'd never met him.
But I have learned a lot from this school of real life these lasts 18 years. And I will use that knowledge to make sure I am never ever in a situation like this again.
He has started the manipulation again this morning.
First an apology.
Then an admission that while I was out yesterday with the little one and the teenager was at his friend's he bought a bottle of vodka and got smashed on that and weed, hence why he was comatose when we all got in.
He said he wants my help.
I'm just staying out of the way again today.
Me and little one have taken his best chick friend bowling, bumper car-ing, arcade gaming today and now we're enjoying some fresh air and sunshine at the park.
I will do whatever it takes to get out of this with my boys safely. I am being careful. I promise xxx
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 2, 2017 11:28:21 GMT -5
"Thank you for all this NSM.
I don't believe I'm in danger. But then again I've nothing to judge that against really.
I'll do that danger assessment and see where it puts me.
I'm called eternal optimism for a reason 😬Xx"
I'm glad that you're taking the danger assessment. Here's how quickly things happened with the acquaintance I mentioned. I met her in mid May when she was cast in a play that I was involved with. In a casual converesation, she told me that she would have to be careful about kissing scenes (She'd have to kiss her scene partner twice) because he didn't want to see her kissing anyone onstage. I told her that he sounded ver controlling, and she was going to have to make a choice between staying with him or being in the show. Actresses, especially young ones, have to kiss on stage. Partners who get explosively jealous about this reality aren't partners to keep if one is serious about acting. Then, she mentioned that she had to watch what she wore around him. BIG RED FLAGS WAVING. And she was always careful not to do or say things to set him off. I told her that he sounded like an extremely controlling person who was likely to become more controlling and possibly dangerous. She insisted that he was not the dangerous type, and she said she'd just take a break from him during the show.
I saw her a week later. She said he'd raped her after showing up at her place with flowers. Her roommates -- who didn't know she'd broken off -- let him in, and he was waiting for her when she returned home. It was the second time he'd sexually assaulted her, she told me. She didn't totally count the first time because he wasn't able to penetrate her. I gave information about various resources.
She contacted the local battered women's shelter for advice, and planned to contact police.
I saw her the next week. She told me he had hit her, and she had had to call police.
I got a facebook message from her a few days later saying to ignore him if he contaced me as he'd grabbed her phone and gone thorugh her messages and contacts. Later, I found he had messaged me wanting to talk to me because he said that his girlfriend was going through a rough time and he wanted to help her. I ignored his message.
She ended up being dropped from the play because she didn't know her lines (probably due to being stalked by her boyfriend. She told me that things had gotten worse, but gave me no details).
She is no longer on FB. I've texted her, but haven't received an answer.
This is how quickly things can ramp up. There is EVERY EVIDENCE THAT YOUR HUSBAND IS DANGEROUS. He will become more dangerous-- to you and your children-- the closer you get to leaving. Please contact a local women's shelter and get information about resources, and follow through on their advice so you can leave safely. This is no time to be optimistic. Doing so puts your children as well as you at grave risk. Also be careful with your cell phone and computer so that your STBX can not access them and learn about your plans.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jul 2, 2017 11:55:24 GMT -5
Eek northstarmom so we don't know what happened to her and how she is now? TBH, I really don't think it's that bad here. 15-18 years ago and I would have been in fear but he's older and weaker and truly is like an ancient hermit of his own making. I think it will be ok to ride this out. That quiz thing won't work sadly. I've looked at a couple others though and I believe myself to be at risk but very low. Manageable. As long as I don't lose my shit with him that is. And I won't. I'll keep it amicable and calm. If he decides to up the ante then I will involve the police. No chances. Thanks for caring xxx
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Post by lwoetin on Jul 2, 2017 12:26:48 GMT -5
Perhaps you should not be the bearer of bad news for him. You meant well in informing the need for him to earn 24 instead of 14 as a goal but he panicked and got angry instead. Just look out for you and kids. He is too messed up right now on drugs.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 2, 2017 12:48:54 GMT -5
Laws may be different across the pond. Here after the divorce begins there are laws called "standing orders". Controllers and victims hate them and blatenly disregard them. This makes your case all that much stronger.
As far as the rent goes and renewing a lease. I would keep it between you and the landlord. An ace up your sleeve. Just continue to say nothing. You did more than your part by informing him, once.
I know it's against your giving nature, you want to give him opportunity, after opportunity. You hand him the knife, even tell him where in your back to put it, and how to twist it. Stop doing that!
Think of a child playing with a lighter. What do you do? Show them how it works? NO. You immediately take it away, and put it in a safe place. Then you ask where did you get it? And you eliminate that source.
You my friend are eliminating that source. You are helping the child, and helping everyone else's safety!
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 2, 2017 13:41:16 GMT -5
eternaloptimism, consider this... You are on the hook for the rent until the lease ends in November. Whether you are occupying the house is a completely separate matter. If it's the right time to go, then go. Pay the rent from afar. You were planning to settle at your mom's to transition anyway, so you're not looking at doubled-up rent costs. Yes, he will get an unjust "free ride" at your expense, but you will all be safe and away from his world of drugs. I'll wager that the utilities and other auxiliary services (cable, Internet) are not in both your names. Cancel your accounts and refer him to set them up in his name. He'll need to do this for himself eventually regardless; no reason that can't be now. Your generosity need extend only so far. Yes, you're on the hook for any damages he might make to the property, so you might not get your deposit back. At the same time, willful property damage is criminal, so he'd be wise not to set you up. If, like here, your locale factors into where your kids are schooled, getting this sorted out well before the next school year will be easier on them. If you like the place you're in, there's always a chance he will vacate early, leaving you the option to move back in (new locks!) and keep the kids in the same school. Hugs, DC
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Post by hopingforachange on Jul 2, 2017 14:08:22 GMT -5
You know it's times like this I just wish I'd never met him. But I have learned a lot from this school of real life these lasts 18 years. And I will use that knowledge to make sure I am never ever in a situation like this again. He has started the manipulation again this morning. First an apology. Then an admission that while I was out yesterday with the little one and the teenager was at his friend's he bought a bottle of vodka and got smashed on that and weed, hence why he was comatose when we all got in. He said he wants my help. I'm just staying out of the way again today. Me and little one have taken his best chick friend bowling, bumper car-ing, arcade gaming today and now we're enjoying some fresh air and sunshine at the park. I will do whatever it takes to get out of this with my boys safely. I am being careful. I promise xxx Oh he is asking for help, great, take him to a drug rehab facility, and make sure the intake personal know he has harmed you and he has threatened to harm himself reciently right? It is in everyone's best interest to help him. 😉
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jul 3, 2017 11:46:59 GMT -5
Perhaps you should not be the bearer of bad news for him. You meant well in informing the need for him to earn 24 instead of 14 as a goal but he panicked and got angry instead. Just look out for you and kids. He is too messed up right now on drugs. Fair point. My attempt at providing him with useful info was interpreted by him as ME telling him he can't do what he wants to do. Always rethinking my strategies! X
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