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Post by brian on Jan 27, 2018 19:42:00 GMT -5
It's interesting how your marital dynamic has seen you both refine and define the relationship over time. Her role appears to be to rebuff any sexual advance you make. Your role appears to be to then make "witty" remarks about the credibility of the rebuffment. That appears to now be what you expect from each other, and the relationship is delivering on those expectations. And, if the aim is "not to leave" then this strategy you have both developed (consciously or by accident) seems to be working quite well Brother brian . Yep! So well that I am calling lawyers this coming week!
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Post by brian on Jan 27, 2018 13:00:03 GMT -5
Ladies... any man worth your time should be interested in what you have from the neck up. The size of the woman does not matter. The smile matters. The attitude matters. The intellect matters.
32DD’s don’t turn me on. I’m just as happy with 36B’s, as long as a woman has what counts... and that’s ALL above the neckline.
Or are you looking for someone so shallow that they will dump you as you age?
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Post by brian on Jan 27, 2018 6:43:10 GMT -5
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^. THIS! Times ten! Luckily for me, I haven’t hit “depression” even once yet. Or maybe I have and didn’t recognize it. Or maybe it’s about to hit me like a freight train when I’m not looking. But I have jumped around that list for almost 20 years and am just now starting to pull the rip-chord. And I can credit the fine folks here for opening my eyes, giving me things to think about, and challenging me all along the way. I think the depression element has kicked in by the time you reach this forum. I think it was frustration that led me to this site’s predecessor. Like others, I was looking for understanding and tips on how I might fix it or at least convey my feelings in a way that would be heard and understood by my refuser. Instead, I was led down a path of self-discovery and personal liberation, all of which I am immensely grateful for.
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Post by brian on Jan 26, 2018 20:33:35 GMT -5
And by "controlling" another person, I mean in all forms: begging, manipulating, threatening, coercing, deal-making, trying harder, etc. If there is a common theme amongst us all, something that binds us just as much as the sexlessness and despair, it's that we all tried to get our needs met through various methods of control and failed. There is indeed a common thread among us ILIASM siblings. We are all grieving the death of our marriage, or what we thought our marriage was, or what we hoped our marriage would be. And so, we go through the typical stages of grief that happen when something is lost (or was never there). We go through - - Denial - Where we stick our head in the sand and pretend it isn't happening. "Everything is great bar the sex" - Anger - This isn't fair, I don't deserve this. Listing the spouses faults etc. - Bargaining - Trying to revive the deal. Scented candling, date nights etc. - Depression - Where the reality hits. - Acceptance - Where you own your situation and accept it for what it is. Once you've got through *denial* (and some people never do) you usually start cycling to and fro between *anger* and *bargaining*. *Depression* has usually reared its' ugly head by this stage (and some people never get through it). The elusive *acceptance* you might get some tantalising glimpses of from time to time during this grieving process, thinking you have got it, only to find that you really haven't. Ones progress through this process is rarely linear. Usually you jump around from one to another then back again and drive yourself nuts. These things are common to us all in this group. We grieve for what our marriage failed to be. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^. THIS! Times ten! Luckily for me, I haven’t hit “depression” even once yet. Or maybe I have and didn’t recognize it. Or maybe it’s about to hit me like a freight train when I’m not looking. But I have jumped around that list for almost 20 years and am just now starting to pull the rip-chord. And I can credit the fine folks here for opening my eyes, giving me things to think about, and challenging me all along the way.
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Post by brian on Jan 26, 2018 7:20:20 GMT -5
Definitely be yourself. As northstarmom stated, the entire point of this date is to determine if the two of you like each other enough to have a second. It's not a conquest. It's not supposed to be a challenge to get someone to like you -- some people will, some won't. I think many/most/all of us made the mistake of putting only our best foot forward with our first marriage while hiding some of who we really are, and none of us want to make that mistake again. Be confident in who you are and what you are looking for. If there isn't any chemistry, there might still be room for friendship.
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Post by brian on Jan 25, 2018 7:35:17 GMT -5
“Screw that. I fuck myself beside her in bed most every morning. I fuck myself before I fall asleep while she watches shows on her iPad less than 6ft away and she never realizes it, except once, when I told her point blank that I was horny and if she wasn't going to have sex with me, then I was going to masturbate right there beside her. She just never looked over.” I can understand you have reasons to stay married. I don’t understand why you allow yourself to be so rejected. Why don’t you move out of the bedroom? Right now, I don't want to tip my cards that I'm prepping my exit.
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Post by brian on Jan 25, 2018 6:40:22 GMT -5
I have a friend who is quite happy that her husband has a girlfriend so that she no longer has to perform her "wifely duties". It's open and out there, and I have met the girlfriend -- although, to be 100% honest, I met her prior to my knowing the relationship and I thought she was their daughter... ooops!
And no, I have never seen all 3 of them at the same place, which makes sense. Nor have I ever seen the two ladies together.
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Post by brian on Jan 24, 2018 23:09:53 GMT -5
That's a good boy! Your training is complete. Sorry to be so cold about it. I'm no better, except I'm at the point where I do those things purposely to get her reaction as I find it humorous... in a sick, mind-fuck sort of way. I don’t believe that to be sick and yes, what a good little boy. “I’ll let you know as and when I fancy fucking sweetheart. In the mean time, when you are out I may decide to fuck myself”. That’s the deal. Screw that. I fuck myself beside her in bed most every morning. I fuck myself before I fall asleep while she watches shows on her iPad less than 6ft away and she never realizes it, except once, when I told her point blank that I was horny and if she wasn't going to have sex with me, then I was going to masturbate right there beside her. She just never looked over. What's next? Taking care of my own business without the covers on right there in plain sight. Prediction... she voices her displeasure, leaves the room for the night, and then changes the sheets in the morning. It will be GREAT!
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Post by brian on Jan 24, 2018 22:47:25 GMT -5
My wife’s most recent excuse was interesting. She didn’t need one. When I initiated I started rubbing my hand along the inside of her thigh towards her.....no further explanation required....and as I did so she said “sweetheart” in a slightly lower voice than her normal voice. That disapproving you’re in trouble voice. That was it. That was enough to stop me dead in my tracks. I just rolled over and went to sleep. That's a good boy! Your training is complete. Sorry to be so cold about it. I'm no better, except I'm at the point where I do those things purposely to get her reaction as I find it humorous... in a sick, mind-fuck sort of way.
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Post by brian on Jan 24, 2018 22:41:42 GMT -5
Apocrypha Yeah, I know. I got dumped for a 23-year-old not-even-hot girl who still lives at home. So here I was worried about my husband finding out and being discreet. I got blindsided. But not in the way I thought I would be. surfergirl, quite frankly, I think you took your affair a little too seriously. Don't look for love. Don't fall for a guy. This is about sex, feeling desired by somebody, and having a good 'ole time with it. The moment you fall for someone, or expect monogamy/exclusivity/whatever is when you get into trouble. Why should you care if he's bonking others? As long as you are getting what you need, who cares? Now, you do need to protect yourself from diseases, but that would be true regardless. Stop looking for a replacement partner and instead just look for some hot passion and sex. Nothing more. Just a friendly piece of advice that is my opinion and offered free of charge. You get what you pay for, and I have a no-return policy.
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Post by brian on Jan 24, 2018 22:27:50 GMT -5
What board game? Wife and I bought one together years ago but it never got played. Didn't know when we ordered it but it was more of a "group" game for exhibitionists or swingers. Hahaha! Oh god, I am just picturing the horrified reaction of all our sex-averse spouses if they were to open a game based around group sex. LOL priceless. Just the look of disdain on my roomie's face with this game was priceless. At the time though, it was soul-crushing. Looking back, just par for the course with everything else I tried over the years.
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Post by brian on Jan 24, 2018 22:26:19 GMT -5
I’m thinking that I may just wrap the [unopened] massage oil she gave me for Christmas and give it to her for Valentines Day. Then we could gift it back and forth for years without opening it. It’s either that, or it gets put on the self with the unused dildo I bought her a decade ago that’s on top of an unopened foreplay board game I purchased a decade before that. Yeah. I’m readying my exit. What board game? Wife and I bought one together years ago but it never got played. Didn't know when we ordered it but it was more of a "group" game for exhibitionists or swingers. Okay... link here. Sorry to everyone not a member... become a member to view.
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Post by brian on Jan 24, 2018 21:38:13 GMT -5
Just had a flashback from years ago Brother h . Thought you might get a laugh out of it. It is about 20 years ago, and we have been given "Trivial Pursuit" some time before and it has laid, pristine and unopened for ages. I get it into my head that a game of it might be fun. Missus agrees. I open the packet, set up the board with all those little markers and all and set up the whole thing on the table, inclusive of coffees and snacks. My turn to ask the opening question - and I remember that question exactly - even after all these years - "Who was Richard Kimbles quarry in the tv series and film "The Fugitive" ? "What ?" she says, so I repeat it. "No idea" she says. So I read out the answer "The One Armed Man" She explodes, suggesting I read the question out wrong and that a "quarry" is where you dig out rocks and I was cheating and guilty of other assorted crimes against humanity. Ballistic reaction. Box packed up. Put away, never to be seen again. A few days silence ensues. Possibly a contender for "Shortest Game of Trivial Pursuit" ever. I ought add that this sort of shit used to happen all the time. We're both good sports and play card games and board games all the time. We actually DO get along pretty well in that respect. Monopoly, Risk, Uno, Rummy, and several others. No hard feelings or sore losers. Also the odd video games here and there but usually cooperative rather than competitive ones. Still wondering though about what game brian was talking about... I’ll post a pic of it after I get my kids to bed
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Post by brian on Jan 24, 2018 20:23:48 GMT -5
These stories sound horrible. I am new to this forum and just wanted to say I’m sorry you had such a bad experiences and that I should really stop complaining about my sex life. Good luck to all of you! lostintime, just because your story is different doesn’t mean your pain is any less real.
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Post by brian on Jan 24, 2018 20:22:41 GMT -5
What board game? Wife and I bought one together years ago but it never got played. Didn't know when we ordered it but it was more of a "group" game for exhibitionists or swingers. Just had a flashback from years ago Brother h . Thought you might get a laugh out of it. It is about 20 years ago, and we have been given "Trivial Pursuit" some time before and it has laid, pristine and unopened for ages. I get it into my head that a game of it might be fun. Missus agrees. I open the packet, set up the board with all those little markers and all and set up the whole thing on the table, inclusive of coffees and snacks. My turn to ask the opening question - and I remember that question exactly - even after all these years - "Who was Richard Kimbles quarry in the tv series and film "The Fugitive" ? "What ?" she says, so I repeat it. "No idea" she says. So I read out the answer "The One Armed Man" She explodes, suggesting I read the question out wrong and that a "quarry" is where you dig out rocks and I was cheating and guilty of other assorted crimes against humanity. Ballistic reaction. Box packed up. Put away, never to be seen again. A few days silence ensues. Possibly a contender for "Shortest Game of Trivial Pursuit" ever. I ought add that this sort of shit used to happen all the time. So Scrabble was out too? Lol
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