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Post by brian on Dec 10, 2017 14:17:04 GMT -5
I posted on another thread about my roomie feeling "pressure" from me about sex. I reposted that below. Long story short, I vowed to simply not mention, allude to, or make any gestures that might have any sexual connotation. Why? Simply to feed my perverse need to know how long before she noticed or made a comment. Well, I have to say that I failed last night... after 9 days of ZERO sexual anything, something that was said I couldn't simply let it slide because my humorous ironic side just burst out.
Right before Thanksgiving, my roomie asked me to pick up some wine to replenish our dwindling stock of white wine, so I went shopping. I picked out a few bottles, brought them home, and put them away in the pantry. Fast forward to this past week, and I put the last of those bottles in the refrigerator to chill. Roomie pulls it out last night and comments on the label... Ménage à Trois... so I asked her if she would like some Ménage à Trois tonight, then felt I needed to apologize. She asked why I needed to apologize, so I explained that it was because I didn't want to pressure her. I got a look and a "haha" out of her.
I just couldn't let the opportunity pass.
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Post by jim44444 on Dec 10, 2017 14:40:23 GMT -5
... so I asked her if she would like some Ménage à Trois tonight, then felt I needed to apologize. Yes you do indeed need to apologize to her - for offering her a glass from a bottle of swill. Jeez Brian, at least buy her some decent wine. 😆
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Post by brian on Dec 10, 2017 15:13:28 GMT -5
... so I asked her if she would like some Ménage à Trois tonight, then felt I needed to apologize. Yes you do indeed need to apologize to her - for offering her a glass from a bottle of swill. Jeez Brian, at least buy her some decent wine. 😆 Always open to suggestions. I’m not a wine connoisseur, and when you’re stuck in a grocery store, you have limited choices. I have learned, however, that price is totally unrelated to taste, so we try lots of wines. She like LaCrema (and I got a bottle of that too), but she says Pinot Grigio, so I get a few examples. NEVER worth a $40 bottle of wine though.
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Post by brian on Dec 10, 2017 15:16:57 GMT -5
...and I did it again. I suppose I need professional help. We received a package today (not unusual), and she asked what it might be (I wouldn’t know, she is the one ordering stuff), so I blurted out, “Awww... Did you order a toy for me?”
Must Stop
LOL!
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Dec 10, 2017 16:00:14 GMT -5
Yes you do indeed need to apologize to her - for offering her a glass from a bottle of swill. Jeez Brian, at least buy her some decent wine. 😆 Always open to suggestions. I’m not a wine connoisseur, and when you’re stuck in a grocery store, you have limited choices. I have learned, however, that price is totally unrelated to taste, so we try lots of wines. She like LaCrema (and I got a bottle of that too), but she says Pinot Grigio, so I get a few examples. NEVER worth a $40 bottle of wine though. I live in Wine Country, and have friends who work at La Crema and Trentadue. Both are fantastic!
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Post by M2G on Dec 10, 2017 16:40:20 GMT -5
...and I did it again. I suppose I need professional help. We received a package today (not unusual), and she asked what it might be (I wouldn’t know, she is the one ordering stuff), so I blurted out, “Awww... Did you order a toy for me?” Must Stop LOL! I stopped doing that the easy way: realizing she will say something hurtful like "no." I need to get her a shirt that says "NO!" so as to remember what the answer will be. LOL
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Post by brian on Dec 10, 2017 17:07:51 GMT -5
...and it's not like giving her wine, even an entire bottle at once, increases my chances. It doesn't. Well, okay, it does. It increases my chances from one in a million to one in 400.
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Post by brian on Dec 10, 2017 17:09:55 GMT -5
...and I did it again. I suppose I need professional help. We received a package today (not unusual), and she asked what it might be (I wouldn’t know, she is the one ordering stuff), so I blurted out, “Awww... Did you order a toy for me?” Must Stop LOL! I stopped doing that the easy way: realizing she will say something hurtful like "no." I need to get her a shirt that says "NO!" so as to remember what the answer will be. LOL I REALLY want to get us his/her T-shirts... hers will say "Gives Zero Fucks" and mine will say "Orgasm Donor" Just sayin'... Of course, I don't have the balls to actually buy those shirts and give them to us. Just imagine what the kids would say! Just imagine what my SIL would say (who is also in a SM, but isn't [yet] at a point where it bothers her).
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 10, 2017 18:11:32 GMT -5
brian, my prediction... nothing will come from your efforts. Been there, tried that. No pressure = you must be content with the situation. She's not going to suddenly realize "Hey, I feel like being intimate because he hasn't asked in a while." At the same time, she's unlikely to notice. I tried this approach for months in response to similar claims. In a therapy session she hit me with "always pressuring", and when I pointed out that I hadn't made a sexual comment or touch in months, she hadn't noticed. She was mentally entrenched in the excuse, irrespective of facts. And I share your wit. Whether it's because I'm starved or just dirty-minded, I see innuendo in so many things. Then again, I do the same thing with pop culture references, so maybe my brain just looks for subtlety and twists. I can say, it's a lot of fun when you're with a woman who thinks similarly and gets your humor; W ain't one of them.
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Post by brian on Dec 10, 2017 18:40:02 GMT -5
DryCreek , I'm with you on that she is unlikely to notice. I KNOW she won't notice. My strategy here is to one day point out to her what happens when I don't even mention things for a long time and that her, "I'm trying, can't you see the progress, isn't it better?" can be met with an honest discussion about how it really hasn't changed and that twice-a-year can't really be considered progress from once-a-year. Of course, being a smart lady, she has already tried to tip the DARVO scales in her favor by stating that she doesn't think anything she does will ever be enough for me.
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tsm
Junior Member
Posts: 44
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Post by tsm on Dec 11, 2017 0:18:55 GMT -5
I tried the no pressure route...could never make it more than about six weeks without trying. It doesn't work.
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Post by brian on Dec 11, 2017 0:50:18 GMT -5
I tried the no pressure route...could never make it more than about six weeks without trying. It doesn't work. I agree, and I don’t expect it to change our situation other than I am building the argument that divorce is the right path for us.
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Post by choosinghappy on Dec 11, 2017 6:01:57 GMT -5
I tried the no pressure route...could never make it more than about six weeks without trying. It doesn't work. I am actively in the “no pressure” route. Ever since my H told me how he feels about sex and touch (due to childhood sex abuse) I have consciously stopped ALL initiation of any kind. I could actually see the weight of that pressure lift from his shoulders and the anxiety he was carrying, never knowing if I was going to proposition him, leave his body. It’s been a great thing for him and since I care about his well-being I am glad for that, but for me it is difficult and it makes me lose hope in our marriage having a chance of ever becoming more than roommates again. Also, the longer I choose this route, the easier it seems to be for me to keep it up. That’s not to say my sexual desire in general is decreasing, just that it removes any unfulfilled expectations I used to have with HIM specifically. So I suppose in ways it alleviates some pressure on me, too. (But adds new pressures, e.g. “How long can I endure this?”)
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Post by M2G on Dec 11, 2017 6:03:24 GMT -5
I tried the no pressure route...could never make it more than about six weeks without trying. It doesn't work. Agree - the "no pressure route" just makes everything seem good IE: low conflict - the outside looks good but in reality it's rotten to the core. I prefer now, the Rhett Butler route: "Frankly my dear I don't give a damn."
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 11, 2017 9:24:32 GMT -5
It’s been a great thing for him and since I care about his well-being I am glad for that, but for me it is difficult and it makes me lose hope in our marriage having a chance of ever becoming more than roommates again. I've noticed a repeating pattern where we get along very well until intimacy re-enters the picture, regardless of who initiates. It just reawakens a frustration in me and reminds me how broken it is. The "obvious" solution is to stop the intimacy and live in harmony, but that's not a sustainable option; it would starve me emotionally. And so the cycle continues.
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