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Post by bpvikesfan on Oct 16, 2019 13:28:59 GMT -5
Checking back in after much research, trying to give the refuser point of view I guess...not really just trying to get my shit together but I have learned some interesting things about my mental illness that is most likely the cause of my sexual problems. It is a condition called anhedonia, this condition is the inability to feel pleasure, simply stated. This can be both emotional and physical and the inability to achieve feeling leads to anxiety and other not so great behavior. For me, I think this will help in trying to become more intimate. This condition is common with depression but is also seen in other mental illnesses like schizophrenia and bipolar disorder (that is what i have).
I guess why I am sharing this is because I wanted you to know there is hope for me and also maybe this info could be helpful to some of you who are refused or refusers.
thanks, kt
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Post by bpvikesfan on Oct 14, 2019 12:54:58 GMT -5
I am what would be classified as a refuser...I came to this forum because the incredible struggle I have with not fulfilling my husbands needs, and honestly no matter what the psychological issues are I too have sexual and intimate needs. Sexuality has been a struggle for me these last years, I logically want it and think about it as much as a man does i assume. The problem is i cannot get turned on, I have a logical realtionship with sex instead of an emotional relationship with intimacy. I am a survivor of sexual assaults and in the beginning of my marriage the trauma did have a huge impact on my sex life, but throughout the years that became less and less of an issue and i can say i think i have gotten to a point where i have accepted the rapes and they dont haunt me anymore....with that said i dont think my trauma is part of my sexual problems now. I trust my husband and feel safe with him. I see so many spouses here that are being refused...all i can say is my story, i love sex. i miss intimacey. but i have trouble. I have gotten advice to not focus on the orgasm, which i heed and agree with, but not being turned on makes all sex acts difficult, much anxiety comes when i cant get turned on even though the things my husband does feels good I cant seem to stop the swelling anxiety that comes when i am not feeling the tinge of turn on. Trust me i am sexually attracted to my husband, if i wanted sex it would be with him but i can seem to connect my thoughts to physical desire, does that make sense?
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Post by bpvikesfan on Oct 13, 2019 8:36:09 GMT -5
Hi, I am new to this forum and have to say i am so glad i found this place. I have been married for 27 years and for 22 years we had a healthy and happy sex life. A few things occurred about five years ago that impacted our lives negatively. I have mental illness and went into an episode, these episodes last over a year and i have psychotic features which makes intimacy impossible because i totally check out of reality....during this episode a "friend" fell on hard times and she and her son lived with us for a year, rent free by the way(no hostility here lol) during this time my husband and her had a relationship, he swears there was no sex, and to be honest i dont care if there was because the vow was broken by his emotional relationship with her. I was sick but I would see them cuddling on the couch, laughing and chatting all the time...I would wake up at night and he would be out of bed, it was a very painful time for me that did affect me and my ability to feel intimate. I also was put on an antipsychotic that has basically remapped my brain chemistry and i can no longer physically orgasm. I think I cant orgasm, I am not patient enough to keep going after a great amount of time has been invested in trying to either be pleasured or pleasure myself to find out. And thirdly, my sex drive crashed cuz i started menopause. My husband and I went from 3-5 times a week for 20 plus years to no more than 10 times total in the past five years. Other than sex, we have a good relationship and we love each other, do I just have to accept that we are getting older and sex is over. I know older people have sex, I want sex but i dont have a sex drive, does that make sense? What can I do to get that back again. My husband seems content with our sexual arrangement, he masturbates when he wants release and if he wants sex we try it....That is an issue as well, since we have gone so long without sex, when we do have it, it is awkward and not as great as it used to be, i feel like i am failing as a wife and i want help so our marriage can stay strong. I love having sex with my husband but i just cant seem to get my engines to fire! I am new so if i posted wrong, or seemed to have rambled please forgive me!
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