one year post-separation

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote.
I don't feel like I don't belong here because just like baza wrote I do get something out of commenting here. I also have a desire/ need to help others so I get that part too.

I had a conversation with someone over the weekend acknowledging the fact that the SM was probably more my fault then the ex's because I didn't speak up enough that I wanted sex. I didn't give him an ultimatum and therefore I enabled him to take me for granted. However I still believe it boils down to incompatibility and while we got along for many many years and we have a lot in common, it doesn't change the fact that without sex in a romantic relationship things will deteriorate.

I too realized that while sex was the biggest dealbreaker for me there were a lot of other problems in the relationship.

If I ever have another long term relationship, for one- I know what qualities I would want in a man. Secondly - I have the initiative if something is bothering me to speak up. Third - any man that I'm with will know my pov on sex and how much I enjoy it. The bottom line is to find someone you are sexually compatible with and that you find interesting. Nobody is perfect and I never expected that from my ex just to feel loved, wanted and desired and he couldn't do that so I'm better off now and life will get better.

Hugs to you Helen.

Dear Helen, I would not put to much of that blame on yourself. Society has conditioned men for generations to be more of the initiator when it comes to sex in a marriage. There's a long history in my mind of rejections,from my spouse to my initiations. Some initiations were stronger than others, does that matter? The rejection hurts, a lot! Not what you signed up for in a marriage!
Myself ( and maybe you too) learned about how much we agreed with our spouse to " try" things. Only they become permanent. Like trying to change a law passed by congress! The " we will try it part" weather it was verbalized or not, gets quickly ingrained in your everyday routine. Many times the initiator was the controller.

There is nothing wrong with giving yourself a good two or three years to recover from a divorce. Leaving the past where it belongs, and dealing with a new set of problems that come with dating at our age. Along with the prospect of finding a much better choice!

@phinheasgage yes, that's it, it sounds like we have this in common.

@helentishappy, I can relate to what you said about how you stopped initiating because you had been rejected too many times. That's what I did, too.

And I would get so exasperated when I would read or hear advice to Talk To Him About It(TM). Obviously, if I had never done that, he never would have known I was unhappy. But I *did* do it. That did not bring us back to a decent sex life. In fact, I got to a point where I felt like even hinting at it meant I was "nagging" him.

Sometimes I still feel hurt and sad that our relationship got into this mess. I know that he didn't develop health problems on purpose. But I have two things to say in my own defense:

1 - I have personally known 2 guys who seem to have overcome health problems that were at least as bad (one was paralyzed for about a year due to an infection, and the other had a botched knee replacement.) Both of those men are now up and walking around, playing golf, doing all the other things they used to do. [Important - I don't know what their sex lives are like. But both their wives seem to be happy.]

Being in a wheelchair, and having botched knee replacements, is no joke. But as best I can estimate, it took both of those men no longer than 2 years at the most to get back to normal.

Not the 3 and 1/2 years between my joining ILIASM on EP, and the present - and my refuser STILL isn't back to normal.

So, I know people CAN come back from some pretty bad health stuff. It IS possible.

Would my ex really stay sick all this time just to spite me? I hope not. If he would, he has deeper problems than I ever suspected.

2 - If there had been a time limit estimated for how long it was supposed to take him to get better, maybe I could have stayed. Knowing that it wouldn't be this bad forever might have made a difference.

But he acted like he wanted me to stay forever and have the sexless relationship - and I was supposed to be OK with that. It could have taken 35 years - the rest of our lives - but I was supposed to stay, never have sex, deal with his issues, and not feel unhappy or resentful. I guess that's how he defines "love." I guess, since I wasn't willing to spend the rest of my life not only never having sex, but never doing anything fun and dealing with him being cranky - that means I didn't love him.

Only, I thought I *did* love him. Sex feels so good and makes me so happy that I don't understand people who don't feel the same way. I loved him, so I wanted to help him feel good. Now, I know that not everybody is like me - sex doesn't make some people feel better. But it was important to me. If a man doesn't want to accept that from me, doesn't want the best thing that I have to give - then yes, I feel hurt, rejected, and unloved.

The smartest thing you did was taking that job a fair distance away from your ILIASM environment SmartKat.
Gave you a chance of clarifying your thinking without the daily level of toxins clouding things up.
The rest of it, gradually taking control of your life etc, you did yourself.
And all credit to you for so doing.

This really gets my mind racing! It makes me hash out in my mind how the " control" issue has played out in my marriage. I am going to share a personal example. I hope it relates to yours.
When my spouse suggests we do something, and I agree, to try it and see what happens. There is a lot of open areas to that. Who? When? How? Time? Money. Effort? Changing any of it (if not well spelled out in the beginning) becomes out of the question, impossible.

For me some of those things were homeschooling, not going over the monthly budget, anymore, getting permission on spending, zero return on intimacy, more and more children's activities, etc....

Meanwhile I am sitting back, thinking, " I said we would try that, I hate this, this isn't working at all". Now there's a responsibility to change things, offer a solution. Does it get accepted? No. I am dealing with a controller. This calls for changing who is in control. Is that accepted with a loving, open response? Hardly! Instead comes the manipulation of more control. Leaving me with two alternatives. One) allow the controlling to continue, by giving in. And accepting it for the rest of my life. Two) end the relationship, learn from it, and have an open dialogue with someone else who is not a controller.

Thank you JMX :-) I didn't mean you all will be lucky enough to be getting rid of me anytime soon :-p