|
|
Post by DryCreek on Aug 4, 2016 22:20:53 GMT -5
As one who has not escaped, I greatly value hearing the stories from those who have. What's been good, what's not. Things you're thankful for, and those you regret. How long the road is, and what potholes you found.
Speaking for my own selfish benefit, you can look back with 20/20 vision on things that I haven't even considered for my future. That's invaluable.
So, I don't know how much we help you in your new journey, but you share a perspective here that many of us can only speculate about. Thank you for sticking around and sharing your stories.
|
|
|
|
Post by unmatched on Aug 4, 2016 23:11:15 GMT -5
Me too. And I like the stories from people who are struggling sometimes as well as the ones where everything is going well. It makes it all more real and somehow that makes it all the more of a real possibility.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 5, 2016 2:38:26 GMT -5
Me too. And I like the stories from people who are struggling sometimes as well as the ones where everything is going well. It makes it all more real and somehow that makes it all the more of a real possibility. Real is the whole point of escaping. You don't run to Lotus Land. You leave a psychotic asymmetrical relationship and stumble back to Reality. And Reality is a little complicated. I have screaming passionate sex 6-8 times a month, which is plenty for a not so buff 50 year old with a herniated disc. (Thank God I have a porn star size dick to compensate for the relative lack of energy). I live with a woman I love, who loves me back, and we cuddle and talk about everything and go out and do things together and make sure we say I love you every time we part, and we make it a point not to go to bed angry, and and and... Sure Phinheas, why are you telling us all this, we who suffer while your life has become perfect? Because anyone who has been on this forum for five minutes knows I'm batshit crazy in the head. Obsessive ruminations, OCD, panic attacks, overwhelming terrors, job dissatisfaction, self loathing, I'm in therapy for life. Escaping didn't fix me! Also, my perfect lover is like me not quite so perfect and is degenerating before my eyes with numerous hereditary physiological meltdowns, she has some difficult personality traits that sometimes do make us go to bed angry (it's always her fault when we do), I will spend the rest of my life hoping her vindictive ex is done trying to ruin her life (at least until he eats himself to death...die you piece of shit), my parents are aging, I still cry because I miss my dog, and now another door on my car is broken with the exact same problem and if there was one thing I thought I could count on in this world it was FUCKING TOYOTA QUALITY! All of which is to say if you leave your sexless marriage you will not necessarily land in a completely happy or sad place. You will just move from insanity to reality. Which is an improvement so I still recommend it. |
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Aug 5, 2016 6:42:19 GMT -5
I am not sure what to say to you except this - you do belong here. I cannot imagine this place without you. I feel like you are my sister, as I feel with most everyone here. Please don't think of me as a sister. And just in case I am old enough to be your mom, don't think of me like that either. |
|
|
|
Post by GeekGoddess on Aug 5, 2016 14:30:15 GMT -5
HelenT - I have a little bit of that feeling too....like most all of my posts won't quite be "group relevant" to benefit all. Mostly, I haven't been here lately because of being busy though.
PhineasGage = I love your posts!
My most recent progress report includes ending my full-time job. It was a voluntary layoff program with attractive severance pay and it adds to my ability to join a sane(r) world. The severance was one week of pay for each year worked (I had been there 20 years) plus vacation payout (6 weeks banked) and part-time hours in the month of July to finish all that I was in the middle of. Cha-ching! Timed well with the house/property sale - - my half of those profits is equivalent to one full year of my old/current salary rate. So I am "solid" for at least a while. I have signed up for community college and hope to finish a 2-year Associates degree in about 1.5 years (due to transferring other old credit hours in).
I have 3 weeks off until school begins (this week was my first one and I had my birthday yesterday). I don't see family enough but have great new support network in my "group of drunks" (G.O.D. - get it?) :-) Anyway - lots of in-person interactions with a whole bunch of folks. Folks I trust. Folks I don't exactly want to date though.
The recommendation in my support group is to not initiate new romantic relationships the first year of getting sober. This was part of the brilliance of LoverMan affair because that "wasn't new" technically and was not a romantic relationship (it was intended to be "sex for sport" so to speak - - but my heart forgot that along the way, sadly).
Anyway - I have signed up for the paid account in match.com and quit lurking there. It was helpful to have "watched" online for a long while prior to paying for the account though. And I have emailed a few of the candidates. For now, I am not really looking for a relationship, just some dates. I expect I will be awkward at first and so want a chance to "practice" dating for a bit. Come November, then I will be more serious about winnowing down a field of candidates to a choice bedroom-eligible specimen (do I sound sufficiently predatory? Goodness - I almost gave myself chills with this word choice - - but I'm leaving it unedited because it sounds honest to me, at this point, and I hope my heart will soften up a bit when I know the human beings involved/affected - but for now, a partner is like an imaginary character and that is why my word choice sounds cold - - or maybe it's because I still miss LoverMan so much and so I'm cagey & cold as a defense mechanism)
My brain is partly-crazy and I would like to "order up" a LoverMan replacement...much like the original but who is emotionally available. (Actually I want the original to repent & come back - - I am still working on accepting that this will not take place)
Happy about so much of my life having escaped the unilaterally enforced celibate marriage. Sad about the fact that the sex now is basically equivalent to that in the marriage (i.e., none). However I must point out that going to bed alone without sex STILL beats going to bed with someone without sex. For me. For now.
I love this group of folks. Thank you so much for the support back on EP and for making the new forum possible.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 5, 2016 16:04:04 GMT -5
HelenT - I have a little bit of that feeling too....like most all of my posts won't quite be "group relevant" to benefit all. Mostly, I haven't been here lately because of being busy though. PhineasGage = I love your posts! My most recent progress report includes ending my full-time job. It was a voluntary layoff program with attractive severance pay and it adds to my ability to join a sane(r) world. The severance was one week of pay for each year worked (I had been there 20 years) plus vacation payout (6 weeks banked) and part-time hours in the month of July to finish all that I was in the middle of. Cha-ching! Timed well with the house/property sale - - my half of those profits is equivalent to one full year of my old/current salary rate. So I am "solid" for at least a while. I have signed up for community college and hope to finish a 2-year Associates degree in about 1.5 years (due to transferring other old credit hours in). I have 3 weeks off until school begins (this week was my first one and I had my birthday yesterday). I don't see family enough but have great new support network in my "group of drunks" (G.O.D. - get it?) :-) Anyway - lots of in-person interactions with a whole bunch of folks. Folks I trust. Folks I don't exactly want to date though. The recommendation in my support group is to not initiate new romantic relationships the first year of getting sober. This was part of the brilliance of LoverMan affair because that "wasn't new" technically and was not a romantic relationship (it was intended to be "sex for sport" so to speak - - but my heart forgot that along the way, sadly). Anyway - I have signed up for the paid account in match.com and quit lurking there. It was helpful to have "watched" online for a long while prior to paying for the account though. And I have emailed a few of the candidates. For now, I am not really looking for a relationship, just some dates. I expect I will be awkward at first and so want a chance to "practice" dating for a bit. Come November, then I will be more serious about winnowing down a field of candidates to a choice bedroom-eligible specimen (do I sound sufficiently predatory? Goodness - I almost gave myself chills with this word choice - - but I'm leaving it unedited because it sounds honest to me, at this point, and I hope my heart will soften up a bit when I know the human beings involved/affected - but for now, a partner is like an imaginary character and that is why my word choice sounds cold - - or maybe it's because I still miss LoverMan so much and so I'm cagey & cold as a defense mechanism) My brain is partly-crazy and I would like to "order up" a LoverMan replacement...much like the original but who is emotionally available. (Actually I want the original to repent & come back - - I am still working on accepting that this will not take place) Happy about so much of my life having escaped the unilaterally enforced celibate marriage. Sad about the fact that the sex now is basically equivalent to that in the marriage (i.e., none). However I must point out that going to bed alone without sex STILL beats going to bed with someone without sex. For me. For now. I love this group of folks. Thank you so much for the support back on EP and for making the new forum possible. Glad you're back posting gg! You have a lot going on but it's in a positive direction. And yes if you're going to go without sex it should be because you're not in a relationship, not because you're in one. |
|
|
|
Post by JMX on Aug 5, 2016 23:02:06 GMT -5
Helen - this made me think of you:
|
|
|
|
Post by nyartgal on Aug 6, 2016 9:21:47 GMT -5
Helen, in my former SM I was the opposite. I complained, I cajoled, I demanded. I bought lingerie, scented candles, books on technique, sexy music, you name it. I did everything in my power to make it clear to my ex over a period of 4-5 years that his rejection of me was incredibly painful and mysterious. He had ED but wouldn't admit it and refused to go to a doctor until the end for hormone tests despite me sending him several links on the connection between hormones and sex (in the end his hormones were fine anyway).
All of this is to say that while it's good to feel that you did everything in your power to fix a dysfunctional relationship, a relationship is made up of two people and just one of them can't fix it alone. Which you already know!
It's good to have honest post mortems and four years after my SM broke up I am still learning things from it, including how I enabled his passiveness, and how I was living in a kind of narcissistic fantasy that if I could just find the right combination of words, solutions, ideas, etc I could control the outcome of the marriage. It's ridiculous in retrospect.
The point is to learn from it and move forward. And that's what you are doing!
|
|
|
|
Post by samedeepwater on Aug 7, 2016 15:10:33 GMT -5
Congratulations! I am one year and nearly 2 months post myself. And these last few months especially, I've had a lot of the same thoughts. Especially in regard to the forum. By strict definition, I don't belong in the forum. I'd noticed I hadn't been logging in as often, and but I do still have a lot of folks here I care about, and I figure in my present situation I can always benefit from good advice, so I imagine I'll be around a while longer.
I can tell the hard work you have put in by virtue of your comments regarding your ex. I've posted here, and on that other forum (hmm what was it called again?) that the journey out of my marriage became a journey to find me. Part of that journey was being honest enough to recognize my faults, and my role in the marriage. And I also acknowledge the positive attributes my ex brought to the table. For me, when I could acknowledge my own weakness, but also her own strengths, I knew I had arrived at a much better place than from which I began. I hope you give yourself the same credit for the growth you have accomplished.
And for the record, I was never the refuser either, but I eventually stopped being the only-initiator. I think she was actually relieved. And that was just one more milepost I passed on my way out.
|
|
