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Post by ggold on Aug 3, 2016 13:15:35 GMT -5
It only took me 20 years to grasp the fact that things were not going to change. Oh how I suffered! The best thing I have ever done for myself was to give up and consciously separate myself from him. Using creative visualization (thank you, Shakti Gawain) I divorced him in my mind. I went through the entire process in my imagination standing before a judge and stating three times that I divorce my husband. It was an interesting feeling. I didn't realize how real it was until he came to me and tried to kiss me after I had returned from my first solo trip. He was a stranger. He felt it too. He backed away from me, bewildered. I have never felt more alone than I did then. It wasn't easy to grow into this new married/not married limbo. I treat him with respect and kindness. We get along pretty well, mainly because I am the one that sets the tone. I go through all the motions of taking care of him and listening when he needs to talk. In turn, I am pretty much free to do as I please. We are room mates. He knows I'm gone. He knows he lost me. He has regrets. He just can't seem to figure out where he went wrong. Still, he can't really complain, he has things the way he wants. As long as I am discrete. I know a good many of you do not agree with my decision to stay and that I am his slave, caring for the home and caring for him, but it is what is right for me at this time. Baby steps. It took me 2 decades as well and all that matters is what is right for you. There is no other right or wrong and nobody's opinion matters other than yours. I agree with bballgirl. You take your time. Do what is in your heart. It doesn't matter what others think or say. Please know you always have my support with no judgement. ((hugs)) |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 3, 2016 13:36:25 GMT -5
He continues to say "I love you" in a "I hope you love me too" tone. I haven't gotten past the obligation to say it back, because in a way, I do still love him, as the father of my children and as the person I share a home with. The little kisses need to stop. I try to avoid them but to completely deny him that tiny little contact would cause problems that I'm not ready to deal with. I would like to offer two responses. Firm love, and compassionate love. firm: he does not love you, he loves having you around. Compassion: Yes, you will always have a level of love for him. Dealing with the short term affects that come with taking off the mask " of happy couple" is a heart wrenching decision, that takes time too! You're an attractive , intelligent, woman who deserves to be desired, respected and cherished! |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Aug 3, 2016 13:40:28 GMT -5
He continues to say "I love you" in a "I hope you love me too" tone. I haven't gotten past the obligation to say it back, because in a way, I do still love him, as the father of my children and as the person I share a home with. The little kisses need to stop. I try to avoid them but to completely deny him that tiny little contact would cause problems that I'm not ready to deal with. I would like to offer two responses. Firm love, and compassionate love. firm: he does not love you, he loves having you around. Compassion: Yes, you will always have a level of love for him. Dealing with the short term affects that come with taking off the mask " of happy couple" is a heart wrenching decision, that takes time too! Your an attractive , intelligent, woman who deserves to be desired, respected and cherished! You're right. He does love having me around. And thank you for the compliment. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Aug 3, 2016 14:10:48 GMT -5
It took me 2 decades as well and all that matters is what is right for you. There is no other right or wrong and nobody's opinion matters other than yours. I agree with bballgirl. You take your time. Do what is in your heart. It doesn't matter what others think or say. Please know you always have my support with no judgement. ((hugs)) Ahhh gee! Thank you! (Big smiley face) |
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 3, 2016 14:20:36 GMT -5
Very moving and very true. For me part of the process of allowing myself to leave the marriage was the understanding that he would not change and I would be celibate forever. That wasn't an option. I'm of the mindset that most people don't change. It's a basic incompatibility thing. We enjoy sex they do not. No different than a person that likes roller coasters and some don't, you can't get them to ride but does that mean you can never ride a roller coaster again because they don't like it. Really these marriages get so long gone that eventually it's not even about the sex anymore. It's about the lack of other things like a simple kiss, trust, communication, fun, etc. We have one life to live and it should be a happy one. BINGO bballgirl |
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Post by Dan on Aug 4, 2016 14:29:01 GMT -5
“we are doing little more than postponing our life, impaling ourselves on our hope..." Definition of a sexless marriage: "impaling ourselves on our hope, when there is not enough impaling-of-the-fun-kind going on in the marriage." |
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sufferinhubby
Junior Member
My marriage is not a tragedy. It's more like a romantic comedy without the romance
Posts: 67 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by sufferinhubby on Aug 5, 2016 10:24:24 GMT -5
I spent years hanging onto that false hope. YEARS. i would get a crumb here or there and i would delude myself into thinking we can be normal again. Amazing how long one can delude themselves for. Then one day I woke up and faced the fact that I live in a terminally Sexless Marriage. That's when the long sleepless nights, resentment and depression got worse. It's a hard pill to swallow. Years go by and little by little you accept it. If you don't leave you have to die a little inside to accept this and survive. That's what really sucks. I think I may have died a little inside.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Aug 5, 2016 12:08:28 GMT -5
I know I have died a lot inside... dealing with this, dealing with her, has taken something from me that I can never get back. Age and time wont let it. I have found I am not the person I was, and don't know if I can ever be again. I am less a man, less a friend, less of an employee....yet I never asked for it to be this way. And all I have given in unappreciated. No one cares what it has done to me....Only years late can I see and understand, yet until know I never could have been shown understood the damage.
Yet the only impaling I can envision, is one of myself, so I no longer have to deal with what I have become....
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Post by eternaloptimism on Aug 5, 2016 12:44:32 GMT -5
I know I have died a lot inside... dealing with this, dealing with her, has taken something from me that I can never get back. Age and time wont let it. I have found I am not the person I was, and don't know if I can ever be again. I am less a man, less a friend, less of an employee....yet I never asked for it to be this way. And all I have given in unappreciated. No one cares what it has done to me....Only years late can I see and understand, yet until know I never could have been shown understood the damage. Yet the only impaling I can envision, is one of myself, so I no longer have to deal with what I have become.... Roch. I hear you. I have been having those thoughts a while myself. But you know what... Screw the past. We have choices. You can and will find the connection you are looking for. She's out there. Desperately seeking you too. Look forwards. Not backwards. No one said this is easy. Jesus I know that. Or quick. But we take tiny steps forward all the time. Promise. You will feel better soon. In fact, choose to feel better now. Go on. Love xxx |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Aug 5, 2016 12:55:14 GMT -5
I spent years hanging onto that false hope. YEARS. i would get a crumb here or there and i would delude myself into thinking we can be normal again. Amazing how long one can delude themselves for. Then one day I woke up and faced the fact that I live in a terminally Sexless Marriage. That's when the long sleepless nights, resentment and depression got worse. It's a hard pill to swallow. Years go by and little by little you accept it. If you don't leave you have to die a little inside to accept this and survive. That's what really sucks. I think I may have died a little inside. Why do we keep on doing it to ourselves! What are we waiting for? My brain gets busy with this far too much yet never gives me the answers.... X |
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Post by cagedtiger on Aug 5, 2016 13:45:11 GMT -5
I spent years hanging onto that false hope. YEARS. i would get a crumb here or there and i would delude myself into thinking we can be normal again. Amazing how long one can delude themselves for. Then one day I woke up and faced the fact that I live in a terminally Sexless Marriage. That's when the long sleepless nights, resentment and depression got worse. It's a hard pill to swallow. Years go by and little by little you accept it. If you don't leave you have to die a little inside to accept this and survive. That's what really sucks. I think I may have died a little inside. Why do we keep on doing it to ourselves! What are we waiting for? My brain gets busy with this far too much yet never gives me the answers.... X Because we feel like we've failed if we leave, like we're being selfish if we don't keep trying, even though there has been no real ability to try for a long time. And because while we know we can do better, we worry about our barely functional spouses, and who's going to take care of them when we leave. |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 5, 2016 14:17:09 GMT -5
Why do we keep on doing it to ourselves! What are we waiting for? My brain gets busy with this far too much yet never gives me the answers.... X Because we feel like we've failed if we leave, like we're being selfish if we don't keep trying, even though there has been no real ability to try for a long time. And because while we know we can do better, we worry about our barely functional spouses, and who's going to take care of them when we leave. Your words made me think of a post I put on EP about quitting. I wrote it just after my H was notified that I filed in court. He called me and accused me of being a quitter. At the time his words didn't matter, I was totally over it, but I did stay longer than I should have because of all the reasons you listed above and then some - the biggest our 2 kids and breaking up the family. I also had co dependency issues about everything because I did everything for him. After I moved out my ex is functioning quite fine. It's amazing when someone has to do something to take care of themselves - they will. Just because you are living under the same roof doesn't mean you can't still help them either or that they won't ask you for help. So here's the EP post and more than the post, read the comments because there was a lot of good advice. Some of them were even funny - 1 total stranger asked me out and another troll called me out as if I was the problem. www.experienceproject.com/stories/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/7342057 |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 5, 2016 14:58:33 GMT -5
Because we feel like we've failed if we leave, like we're being selfish if we don't keep trying, even though there has been no real ability to try for a long time. And because while we know we can do better, we worry about our barely functional spouses, and who's going to take care of them when we leave. Your words made me think of a post I put on EP about quitting. I wrote it just after my H was notified that I filed in court. He called me and accused me of being a quitter. At the time his words didn't matter, I was totally over it, but I did stay longer than I should have because of all the reasons you listed above and then some - the biggest our 2 kids and breaking up the family. I also had co dependency issues about everything because I did everything for him. After I moved out my ex is functioning quite fine. It's amazing when someone has to do something to take care of themselves - they will. Just because you are living under the same roof doesn't mean you can't still help them either or that they won't ask you for help. So here's the EP post and more than the post, read the comments because there was a lot of good advice. Some of them were even funny - 1 total stranger asked me out and another troll called me out as if I was the problem. www.experienceproject.com/stories/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/7342057Great to read all that encouragement again! |
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 5, 2016 16:11:18 GMT -5
Because we feel like we've failed if we leave, like we're being selfish if we don't keep trying, even though there has been no real ability to try for a long time. And because while we know we can do better, we worry about our barely functional spouses, and who's going to take care of them when we leave. There's a lot of truth to this, and it's something that I struggle to manage in other areas of my life as well. Declaring "completion" means the result is open to criticism; it could have been better; you should have done X. Staying in limbo gives the illusion that it's a work in progress, and so no judgement can be passed. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Aug 5, 2016 16:23:22 GMT -5
Because we feel like we've failed if we leave, like we're being selfish if we don't keep trying, even though there has been no real ability to try for a long time. And because while we know we can do better, we worry about our barely functional spouses, and who's going to take care of them when we leave. There's a lot of truth to this, and it's something that I struggle to manage in other areas of my life as well. Declaring "completion" means the result is open to criticism; it could have been better; you should have done X. Staying in limbo gives the illusion that it's a work in progress, and so no judgement can be passed. Snap DC! X |
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