unkakris
Junior Member
Trying to Figure This Out
Posts: 86 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by unkakris on Aug 2, 2016 11:32:01 GMT -5
This short blog entry is resonating with me right now. Below is the final quote, but the whole thing is worth reading. “Many continue to be seduced by the hope that their partner will change for the better, getting so used to being relationally undernourished that when a few crumbs of a desired outcome show up (often just after a serious fuss has been made about needing a closer relationship), those crumbs get framed as a feast, a reason to hang in there, to keep waiting and waiting and waiting… And while we’re waiting thus, we are doing little more than postponing our life, impaling ourselves on our hope (our nostalgia for the future), as if this is all we deserve."I know more than a few of us on this board have felt the pain of being "...[impaled]...on our hope..." Ouch!
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 2, 2016 11:48:54 GMT -5
Very moving and very true.
For me part of the process of allowing myself to leave the marriage was the understanding that he would not change and I would be celibate forever.
That wasn't an option.
I'm of the mindset that most people don't change. It's a basic incompatibility thing. We enjoy sex they do not. No different than a person that likes roller coasters and some don't, you can't get them to ride but does that mean you can never ride a roller coaster again because they don't like it.
Really these marriages get so long gone that eventually it's not even about the sex anymore. It's about the lack of other things like a simple kiss, trust, communication, fun, etc.
We have one life to live and it should be a happy one.
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Post by Caris on Aug 2, 2016 17:20:28 GMT -5
Yes, that's exactly how it was. Those few crumbs are like manna from heaven when you are starving for affection and intimacy. They give you enough to believe in hope, but not enough to relieve the misery.
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Post by baza on Aug 2, 2016 18:56:26 GMT -5
If you are in an environment (be it great, or terrible) for a long time, that environment becomes your "normal".
It is what you live every day, and as these days pile up, the more "normal" or "familiar" or "usual" or "habitual" the whole thing becomes.
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This is true whether your marriage is 'made in heaven' or (as is seen more typically here) an ILIASM shithole.
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And, trying to change that "normal" environment is extraordinarily difficult. There are far too many aspects of your environment where you have no control, and thus no ability to change those aspects.
So the environment of where you live, with whom you live, and how you live is entrenched. Fixed. Unchanging. (apart from acts of God)
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And you are either ok with that, or you are not.
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If you are not ok with that, then your options are extraordinarily limited.
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You'd best redouble your efforts to be "ok with it".
or
You'd best get out of it.
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Rock - or hard place.
Your choice to make.
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Post by cagedtiger on Aug 3, 2016 7:57:18 GMT -5
Our counselor gave us "homework" before our session this week, to write out, in detail, everything we want our marriage to look like. And I'm finding more and more that s lot of the things I value most are the things she's told me she won't be able to do, and things I've given up to try and keep her happy. Writing on the wall, yes?
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 3, 2016 10:17:06 GMT -5
Our counselor gave us "homework" before our session this week, to write out, in detail, everything we want our marriage to look like. And I'm finding more and more that s lot of the things I value most are the things she's told me she won't be able to do, and things I've given up to try and keep her happy. Writing on the wall, yes? Yes the writing is on the wall. That's a great homework assignment because it forces the communication. Next is to go over the homework and to be frank - can she do it? Try not to waste too much time. You deserve better. It's not our responsibility to sacrifice our life for someone else's happiness. We are responsible for our own happiness. If us being happy makes them not happy then fuck them! |
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Post by cagedtiger on Aug 3, 2016 10:19:46 GMT -5
I believe that's what we're doing tomorrow- sharing all the things we want out of the marriage, and what we hope to achieve with this counseling. That second part is obviously much, much harder than the first.
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Post by ggold on Aug 3, 2016 10:38:30 GMT -5
I believe that's what we're doing tomorrow- sharing all the things we want out of the marriage, and what we hope to achieve with this counseling. That second part is obviously much, much harder than the first. Good luck. :-( |
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Post by cagedtiger on Aug 3, 2016 10:39:35 GMT -5
I believe that's what we're doing tomorrow- sharing all the things we want out of the marriage, and what we hope to achieve with this counseling. That second part is obviously much, much harder than the first. Good luck. :-( Thank you. |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 3, 2016 11:14:00 GMT -5
I believe that's what we're doing tomorrow- sharing all the things we want out of the marriage, and what we hope to achieve with this counseling. That second part is obviously much, much harder than the first. It is hard but you have to do the hard work to figure things out. It really is black and white if they are not capable of intimacy. Sort of like if she said she was a lesbian. It's as simple as incompatibility. Sex is part of marriage. It's not normal not to have sex in marriage. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Aug 3, 2016 11:17:57 GMT -5
It only took me 20 years to grasp the fact that things were not going to change. Oh how I suffered! The best thing I have ever done for myself was to give up and consciously separate myself from him. Using creative visualization (thank you, Shakti Gawain) I divorced him in my mind. I went through the entire process in my imagination standing before a judge and stating three times that I divorce my husband. It was an interesting feeling. I didn't realize how real it was until he came to me and tried to kiss me after I had returned from my first solo trip. He was a stranger. He felt it too. He backed away from me, bewildered. I have never felt more alone than I did then.
It wasn't easy to grow into this new married/not married limbo. I treat him with respect and kindness. We get along pretty well, mainly because I am the one that sets the tone. I go through all the motions of taking care of him and listening when he needs to talk. In turn, I am pretty much free to do as I please. We are room mates. He knows I'm gone. He knows he lost me. He has regrets. He just can't seem to figure out where he went wrong. Still, he can't really complain, he has things the way he wants. As long as I am discrete.
I know a good many of you do not agree with my decision to stay and that I am his slave, caring for the home and caring for him, but it is what is right for me at this time. Baby steps.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 3, 2016 11:37:27 GMT -5
It only took me 20 years to grasp the fact that things were not going to change. Oh how I suffered! The best thing I have ever done for myself was to give up and consciously separate myself from him. Using creative visualization (thank you, Shakti Gawain) I divorced him in my mind. I went through the entire process in my imagination standing before a judge and stating three times that I divorce my husband. It was an interesting feeling. I didn't realize how real it was until he came to me and tried to kiss me after I had returned from my first solo trip. He was a stranger. He felt it too. He backed away from me, bewildered. I have never felt more alone than I did then. It wasn't easy to grow into this new married/not married limbo. I treat him with respect and kindness. We get along pretty well, mainly because I am the one that sets the tone. I go through all the motions of taking care of him and listening when he needs to talk. In turn, I am pretty much free to do as I please. We are room mates. He knows I'm gone. He knows he lost me. He has regrets. He just can't seem to figure out where he went wrong. Still, he can't really complain, he has things the way he wants. As long as I am discrete. I know a good many of you do not agree with my decision to stay and that I am his slave, caring for the home and caring for him, but it is what is right for me at this time. Baby steps. It is all part of a process. Like you said, " baby steps". There's nothing wrong with keeping an open mind, knowing you can take further action, ( divorce) in the future. My only warning, and concern for you, is moving of funds, and being prepared to act so you get your fair share. One important " baby step" for me was to eliminate the morning and good night pecks. No longer seeing these little crumbs, as " manna from heaven" and realizing what they really are. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Aug 3, 2016 11:57:02 GMT -5
He continues to say "I love you" in a "I hope you love me too" tone. I haven't gotten past the obligation to say it back, because in a way, I do still love him, as the father of my children and as the person I share a home with. The little kisses need to stop. I try to avoid them but to completely deny him that tiny little contact would cause problems that I'm not ready to deal with.
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 3, 2016 12:52:25 GMT -5
It only took me 20 years to grasp the fact that things were not going to change. Oh how I suffered! The best thing I have ever done for myself was to give up and consciously separate myself from him. Using creative visualization (thank you, Shakti Gawain) I divorced him in my mind. I went through the entire process in my imagination standing before a judge and stating three times that I divorce my husband. It was an interesting feeling. I didn't realize how real it was until he came to me and tried to kiss me after I had returned from my first solo trip. He was a stranger. He felt it too. He backed away from me, bewildered. I have never felt more alone than I did then. It wasn't easy to grow into this new married/not married limbo. I treat him with respect and kindness. We get along pretty well, mainly because I am the one that sets the tone. I go through all the motions of taking care of him and listening when he needs to talk. In turn, I am pretty much free to do as I please. We are room mates. He knows I'm gone. He knows he lost me. He has regrets. He just can't seem to figure out where he went wrong. Still, he can't really complain, he has things the way he wants. As long as I am discrete. I know a good many of you do not agree with my decision to stay and that I am his slave, caring for the home and caring for him, but it is what is right for me at this time. Baby steps. It took me 2 decades as well and all that matters is what is right for you. There is no other right or wrong and nobody's opinion matters other than yours. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Aug 3, 2016 12:54:18 GMT -5
He continues to say "I love you" in a "I hope you love me too" tone. I haven't gotten past the obligation to say it back, because in a way, I do still love him, as the father of my children and as the person I share a home with. The little kisses need to stop. I try to avoid them but to completely deny him that tiny little contact would cause problems that I'm not ready to deal with. Feeling this myself lovely xxx |
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