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Post by Casiyessie on Jul 27, 2016 19:50:47 GMT -5
I finally got the courage to reach out to a therapist and I would like to do solo sessions for a while before involving my husband (that's if he wants to go) but I am having second thoughts and I need to reply to his email about setting an appointment time and I don't want to flake. How did you get over this?
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Post by obobfla on Jul 27, 2016 20:05:32 GMT -5
Just make the appointment and go. Even solo, it would help.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Jul 27, 2016 20:11:04 GMT -5
Go. Individual counseling helped so much throughout the ending of my marriage. I needed that extra support, and she was a good sounding board for me as well. If you find you don't click with this one, shop around to find one you feel comfortable seeing. Good luck!
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 27, 2016 20:14:59 GMT -5
Great!
For me, I just had to keep reminding myself that this is about the long term goal, and that it would be an opportunity to talk to somebody who's whole job is to listen. I mean, it's intimidating, but it gets easier.
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Post by adventura on Jul 27, 2016 20:20:09 GMT -5
It's natural to be nervous before that first appointment. The second one too, and even the third a little bit.
If you don't feel things are clicking by the third appointment or so, you might want to shop around some more. But for the couple of times, just go in with an open mind. Remember, this is for YOU.
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Post by Casiyessie on Jul 27, 2016 20:22:38 GMT -5
Okay... Picturing long term goal is motivating! I have never talked to anyone else about this (besides my sister,she laughed) so I can't help but think if it's a male he would be able to understand more than a female? I feel I can't relate to other females as much but I'm too shy to explain this to a male therapist.
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Post by litnerd on Jul 27, 2016 20:28:45 GMT -5
I have major anxiety when it comes to making appointments, and I hate walking into a doctor's appointments. Whenever I start to feel overwhelmed, my appointments are the first to get cancelled. Getting past that has been tough for me, but I have to keep reminding myself that I *need* this. It helps that my therapist can't get me in easily if I cancel my appointments (I book 6 weeks out and see her every other week). A big focus of my therapy has been self care, and therapy is the epitome of self care for me. It's often the only break I get in a 2 week period, so that's helped me to prioritize.
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Post by baza on Jul 27, 2016 20:37:15 GMT -5
Individual therapy is a real good idea for the respective spouses to engage in BEFORE they start on joint therapy.
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To give the joint therapy the best possible chance of producing an outcome, YOU need to bring the best xxyesania possible to the joint table, and your spouse needs to bring the best possible Mr xxyesania to the joint table.
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Your posts so far read like Mr xxyesania sure has a heap of work in front of him. There is also a vibe in your posts that he ain't all that interested in doing any work on his issues, and as such is an unlikely candidate to even attend individual therapy, let alone engage fully and honestly in that process. Consequently, it is really hard to see a joint therapy situation being of much value.
Joint therapy involving one functional participant and one dysfunctional participant tends to go nowhere.
Joint therapy involving one functional participant and one dysfunctional participant who doesn't even turn up (or pays only lip service to the process) tends to go absolutely nowhere.
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Suggestion.
Do your individual counselling, irrespective of what he does or does not do.. That's the only thing you control here.
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What he does (or doesn't do) is entirely his choice and his responsibility. His call to make, not yours.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 27, 2016 20:39:48 GMT -5
Okay... Picturing long term goal is motivating! I have never talked to anyone else about this (besides my sister,she laughed) so I can't help but think if it's a male he would be able to understand more than a female? I feel I can't relate to other females as much but I'm too shy to explain this to a male therapist. If he's muscular with a great tan, long wind-blown hair, an Italian accent, and a loosely buttoned shirt... you might feel awkward or distracted. Odds are, he's got 30 years on you and doesn't dress fashionably. In fact, if he doesn't have 20-30 years on you, he's likely to have only textbook knowledge of sexless marriages, so watch out for "scented candles and lingerie" advice. If you can overcome the awkwardness, there probably more value in a male therapist's perspective on H's behavior. But he can't help you fix H - he can only help you change what's within your control, so have fair expectations. The first few sessions are just about sharing your backstory; laying the foundation for future sessions - 45 minutes goes faster than you'd like. And remember that, although you're there for help, he's there for a job interview - assess his style of interacting with you, and the quality of his comments. If he doesn't cut it, don't feel the least bit bad about booking a different therapist for the next session. They are definitely not all the same. |
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Post by Casiyessie on Jul 27, 2016 21:01:38 GMT -5
Litnerd I am the same way and I do like the idea of some me time to heal. baza wow that is very spot on! Thank you I need to start focusing on me more than trying to fix "us" all the time. I agree I can't fix him and I don't see him going but I will shift my focus on me. DryCreek that made me think of Fabio lol! Thank you for the advice I think you are right I will have to push it aside and open up. Can I sound corny for a second? I really appreciate this group you guys keep me sane! |
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Post by unmatched on Jul 27, 2016 21:24:56 GMT -5
Okay... Picturing long term goal is motivating! I have never talked to anyone else about this (besides my sister,she laughed) so I can't help but think if it's a male he would be able to understand more than a female? I feel I can't relate to other females as much but I'm too shy to explain this to a male therapist. I don't think it makes too much difference whether you see a male or female therapist - there will be good and bad ones of both. I am in couples counselling with a woman and I think she is very good. The main thing is this is for your benefit, so if you don't like him, don't feel comfortable with him, or don't feel he is helping you, then move on. This is not a 'relationship', you are paying him, and you don't need to feel bad if he is not the right match for you. (Arguably the same thinking could and should be applied to a marriage, but let's save that for another thread!) |
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unkakris
Junior Member
Trying to Figure This Out
Posts: 86 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by unkakris on Jul 27, 2016 23:31:27 GMT -5
I finally got the courage to reach out to a therapist and I would like to do solo sessions for a while before involving my husband (that's if he wants to go) but I am having second thoughts and I need to reply to his email about setting an appointment time and I don't want to flake. How did you get over this? GO Make the appointment. Go there. Your body will take your mind and your heart with it, whether they like it or not. Then they (mind and heart) will thank you for doing so. |
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Post by Casiyessie on Jul 28, 2016 1:11:43 GMT -5
Thank you I sent the appointment confirmation he then asked if 8:30pm is late (it is!!) I said no so I won't back out lol! Oh well here's to the rest of the week and weekend for jitters.
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Post by iceman on Jul 28, 2016 9:59:38 GMT -5
Okay... Picturing long term goal is motivating! I have never talked to anyone else about this (besides my sister,she laughed) so I can't help but think if it's a male he would be able to understand more than a female? I feel I can't relate to other females as much but I'm too shy to explain this to a male therapist. If he's muscular with a great tan, long wind-blown hair, an Italian accent, and a loosely buttoned shirt... you might feel awkward or distracted. Odds are, he's got 30 years on you and doesn't dress fashionably. In fact, if he doesn't have 20-30 years on you, he's likely to have only textbook knowledge of sexless marriages, so watch out for "scented candles and lingerie" advice. If you can overcome the awkwardness, there probably more value in a male therapist's perspective on H's behavior. But he can't help you fix H - he can only help you change what's within your control, so have fair expectations. The first few sessions are just about sharing your backstory; laying the foundation for future sessions - 45 minutes goes faster than you'd like. And remember that, although you're there for help, he's there for a job interview - assess his style of interacting with you, and the quality of his comments. If he doesn't cut it, don't feel the least bit bad about booking a different therapist for the next session. They are definitely not all the same. Good advice. I've been contemplating individual therapy before we venture back into couples therapy one last time. I need to get myself in order before I can deal with couples therapy. I've been trying to decide if a male or female therapist would be better, or does it make a difference at all? A male therapist might better relate personally to me and my situation but a female therapist might be better at giving me the femaie perspective which could be helpful. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 28, 2016 10:29:25 GMT -5
If he's muscular with a great tan, long wind-blown hair, an Italian accent, and a loosely buttoned shirt... you might feel awkward or distracted. Odds are, he's got 30 years on you and doesn't dress fashionably. In fact, if he doesn't have 20-30 years on you, he's likely to have only textbook knowledge of sexless marriages, so watch out for "scented candles and lingerie" advice. If you can overcome the awkwardness, there probably more value in a male therapist's perspective on H's behavior. But he can't help you fix H - he can only help you change what's within your control, so have fair expectations. The first few sessions are just about sharing your backstory; laying the foundation for future sessions - 45 minutes goes faster than you'd like. And remember that, although you're there for help, he's there for a job interview - assess his style of interacting with you, and the quality of his comments. If he doesn't cut it, don't feel the least bit bad about booking a different therapist for the next session. They are definitely not all the same. Good advice. I've been contemplating individual therapy before we venture back into couples therapy one last time. I need to get myself in order before I can deal with couples therapy. I've been trying to decide if a male or female therapist would be better, or does it make a difference at all? A male therapist might better relate personally to me and my situation but a female therapist might be better at giving me the femaie perspective which could be helpful. I/we have only seen a male councilor. At this point ( done with couples counciling, down to single counciling ,and knowing divorce is imminent) I don't believe gender would make any difference. So much revolved around who is willing to communicate, trust, respect, and be willing to change for the sake of saving the marriage. The next step comes in saving yourself. |
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