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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2016 21:49:49 GMT -5
@phineasgage your comment got me thinking why it is we need the negative motivation to leave our marriages. And then it occurred to me, the positive of leaving a sexless marriage is not guaranteed. Many people have some measure of security as part of a marriage and are likely to lose some valuable things in a divorce (a house, married parents for their children, friends, etc). It would take a big positive to balance out the guaranteed negatives of leaving.
As people in sexless marriages, many of us may believe because our spouse doesn't desire us, no one else would either so there is nothing positive to gain by leaving. I know before I could leave, I first had to be miserable, and second I had to know there was a chance someone else would find me desirable. Then I found the strength to leave, based on the potential for greater future happiness and the belief it was not possible for me to be any more unhappy, as well as the belief my marriage could never change. One final ingredient was age, I felt that the sooner I left the better, to have a longer time to rebuild a happy life again. The older I get, the faster time passes, and the more obvious I don't have all the time in the world to change my life for the better.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2016 14:14:12 GMT -5
What @helentishappy said.
I was always afraid no attractive man would ever want me again - that if I parted ways with my refuser, that would be the end of my sex life and love life.
But it occurred t me that I wasn't exactly having a sex life and love life, staying with my refuser.
With him, I had to live where he wanted to live, and adjust my lifestyle and behavior around him.
Without him, I have much more choice in where I live. I can also eat, sleep, clean house, etc., on my own schedule, when it's convenient for me.
If I'm never going to have a love life and sex life again, then honestly, all I want to do is sit on the beach with a stack of mystery novels to read.
And if I can't have that - then I will start debating the merits of staying slightly drunk for the rest of my life.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2016 16:05:09 GMT -5
@smartkat, I will join you on the beach with a stack of novels! (I'll pass on the alcohol tho, having seen too much of that in my day.)
But seriously, I have often thought - but what if I never have sex again if I divorce? It sends me into a VERY brief tailspin until I realize that I am already practically celibate. Not much to lose there! 😂
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Post by itsjustus on Jul 29, 2016 1:27:49 GMT -5
Baz, in his original post, has it exactly right. It's a balance of the pain of leaving vs. The pain of staying. For me, that translated into resentment, bottled up for years, until it finally overrode my natural empathetic instinct of not wanting to hurt anyone. I was already numb and headed on a downward spiral from there. Resentment...the pain...caustic and damaging as it was, was my motivator.
I left for me, though at the time I turned right into the positive of a relationship that changed my views of what a loving relationship could be like. That person worried so much that she was a large influence on my decision to leave, and while I can't say that seeing the possibilities wasn't a positive motivator, I truly left my marriage solely to survive. I would have....had to....leave before the resentments and angst utterly destroyed me. The pain of staying was just too hard to bear any longer.
I'd like to say to @elle, @smartkat, @helentishappy and anyone else here who would discount the positive motivator of the possibility of a future truly fulfilling relationship.....that's a perfectly valid stance. Leaving a SM should be based on how intolerable it is for you, on how high your pain of staying has gotten to. The relief of that daily burden, the constant wearing of the mind and soul of thinking about it, worrying about it, and living it, is (eventually) immeasurable. It changes you, for the better. Your world turns back to color.
But now....with the experience of now knowing what it SHOULDN'T be, along with the maturity gained with age...you get to define just what it SHOULD be, for you. And you can let your imagination run free. You get to dream again. You get to have hope again. Because when you do find that certain someone, not if...when...it will turn your world into technicolor!! You'll of course guard your heart. You'll have your SHOULDNT BE list, to protect you from the proverbial coming out of the starving desert syndrome. You'll have the maturity to really look harder....this time. But you'll also have your SHOULD BE list. Your dream list. And there is no better feeling in the world than checking off the boxes, one by one, as you fall head over heels into something finally....right. Something gloriously....
normal.
Welcome to technicolor!
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