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Post by wewbwb on Jul 24, 2016 7:24:20 GMT -5
Sometimes the issue is that we WANT our partners. They way they were or could be. Yes, we hurt and this rejection slowly kills us, but we loved them.
And some of us are loyal to a fault. Even when it's not reciprocal.
Can we just walk away? Maybe, maybe not.
At least for me, that is my struggle.
And I know I can be happier with another woman. This has been shown to me. So, if at least in my case, if I knew that we would be ok, financially, it would be a much easier decision.
So at least for me, the decision is about 90% financial.
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Post by baza on Jul 24, 2016 7:35:58 GMT -5
Well Brother wewbwb, you might do well to see a lawyer etc (as is always suggested here) PLUS a counsellor of the Financial type.
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If you are 90% to the line if the financials add up, then gathering the relevant knowledge of how your position would look after a divorce seems critical.
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Post by wewbwb on Jul 24, 2016 7:46:59 GMT -5
I've been married for 20 years to a disabled woman with no other source of income.
Hmmm.
Hows that going to work out for me?
But I think that i may just ask.
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Post by Neotericgal on Jul 24, 2016 7:53:55 GMT -5
We are here for you elle, huge heart hugs for you. i totally get how you are feeling. I spoke to an attorney myself last week. Just remember this and make it your mantra. You are deserving of so much better, and deserving of a far better custodian of the precious gift of your heart and loyalty. For now, work on making this custodian YOURSELF. You got this.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2016 9:44:27 GMT -5
We are here for you elle, huge heart hugs for you. i totally get how you are feeling. I spoke to an attorney myself last week. Just remember this and make it your mantra. You are deserving of so much better, and deserving of a far better custodian of the precious gift of your heart and loyalty. For now, work on making this custodian YOURSELF. You got this. Thank you for the kind words and the support Adorably. Means a lot. I walked my tears out, got a lot of thinking done, and now, I'm planning to go and have some FUN! I deserve it. And I'm trying to walk tall through this. And tomorrow, the lawyer. I promise to update. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2016 9:57:45 GMT -5
And now I'm crying because this means I have to call an attorney tomorrow. And when I promise, I mean it. I'll do it, even if it scares me half to death.  I think this means it's time for me to walk through the fire. I think I already am. Off to power walk so I can cry... It's totally normal to be scared about calling an attorney. You just have to push through it and know they're totally used to people crying on the phone. The last lawyer I contacted, I actually emailed her and said it was incredibly hard for me to talk on the phone (I already had been through two tearful calls) and could we just email. She was totally understanding and helpful - we set up an appointment (oddly enough, it was easier for me in person than on the phone if it helps you to know that) and I ended up choosing her to be my attorney. So if you can't force yourself to call, then email three different attorneys. Whatever you do, be prepared to be scared and resistant and know you are completely normal in feeling that way! You'll have to push through it - remember your mother's sorrow for you if that helps. Good luck and let us know how it goes tomorrow. |
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Post by angryspartan on Jul 24, 2016 12:52:31 GMT -5
I can't agree with people usually taking the path of less hurt. In many cases, people are staying out of sacrifice for their kids, or if their spouse is sick.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2016 13:36:13 GMT -5
@elle - go talk to an attorney, heck talk to three attorneys. See if it's doable and how things would turn out for you. It sounds like you have had the worst and if you want a divorce then tell him that's what you are doing. Nobody can make anyone stay married to them. (Don't tell him until after you see the attorney and possibly until the time he's being served). Thank you for bringing up my pet peeve. Good people of ILIASM: you don't need their agreement! You announce a divorce. You don't ask for one. They don't give a shit about what you want anyway. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2016 13:43:06 GMT -5
And now I'm crying because this means I have to call an attorney tomorrow. And when I promise, I mean it. I'll do it, even if it scares me half to death. I think this means it's time for me to walk through the fire. I think I already am. Off to power walk so I can cry... It's totally normal to be scared about calling an attorney. You just have to push through it and know they're totally used to people crying on the phone. The last lawyer I contacted, I actually emailed her and said it was incredibly hard for me to talk on the phone (I already had been through two tearful calls) and could we just email. She was totally understanding and helpful - we set up an appointment (oddly enough, it was easier for me in person than on the phone if it helps you to know that) and I ended up choosing her to be my attorney. So if you can't force yourself to call, then email three different attorneys. Whatever you do, be prepared to be scared and resistant and know you are completely normal in feeling that way! You'll have to push through it - remember your mother's sorrow for you if that helps. Good luck and let us know how it goes tomorrow. I'll second this. Lawyers can be intimidating people. They fight for a living. Remember that your lawyer is on your side. In fact I think you should be a little intimidated by your lawyer. You want someone who enjoys kicking ass on your side. |
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Post by pfviento on Jul 24, 2016 13:43:15 GMT -5
I can't agree with people usually taking the path of less hurt. In many cases, people are staying out of sacrifice for their kids, or if their spouse is sick. Exactly Spartan. Alot of good parents that are simply not willing to chance hurting the kids or the Spouse in any exit strategy. They will hurt but they will bear it so long has they believe it's in the best interests of the kids. In some marriages the kids suffer anyway and it might be best to leave. Those of us who are parents are good at second guessing ourselves. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 24, 2016 15:03:05 GMT -5
It's totally normal to be scared about calling an attorney. You just have to push through it and know they're totally used to people crying on the phone. The last lawyer I contacted, I actually emailed her and said it was incredibly hard for me to talk on the phone (I already had been through two tearful calls) and could we just email. She was totally understanding and helpful - we set up an appointment (oddly enough, it was easier for me in person than on the phone if it helps you to know that) and I ended up choosing her to be my attorney. So if you can't force yourself to call, then email three different attorneys. Whatever you do, be prepared to be scared and resistant and know you are completely normal in feeling that way! You'll have to push through it - remember your mother's sorrow for you if that helps. Good luck and let us know how it goes tomorrow. I'll second this. Lawyers can be intimidating people. They fight for a living. Remember that your lawyer is on your side. In fact I think you should be a little intimidated by your lawyer. You want someone who enjoys kicking ass on your side. I totally agree with you there about finding a lawyer that enjoys kicking ass. I saw three lawyers and the one I picked was the one that told me 2 things: 1) I can't say for sure exactly how this is going to shake out for you because if I were representing your husband this is what I would be bringing up -x,y, z and a judge can do what they want. I liked that he played devil's advocate with me. 2) If after he's served he is avoidant and doesn't look at the papers then we are going to run him over. I liked that fight. It never came to it. My husband was agreeable after about a week and everything was amicable for the most part. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 24, 2016 15:26:44 GMT -5
I'll second this. Lawyers can be intimidating people. They fight for a living. Remember that your lawyer is on your side. In fact I think you should be a little intimidated by your lawyer. You want someone who enjoys kicking ass on your side. I totally agree with you there about finding a lawyer that enjoys kicking ass. I saw three lawyers and the one I picked was the one that told me 2 things: 1) I can't say for sure exactly how this is going to shake out for you because if I were representing your husband this is what I would be bringing up -x,y, z and a judge can do what they want. I liked that he played devil's advocate with me. 2) If after he's served he is avoidant and doesn't look at the papers then we are going to run him over. I liked that fight. It never came to it. My husband was agreeable after about a week and everything was amicable for the most part. One of my divorced friends has already recommended his lawyer to me, and I'll set an appointment for a free consult when my work schedule calms down a bit. Apparently the whole firm is very aggressive, tall, leggy women. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 24, 2016 15:30:18 GMT -5
I totally agree with you there about finding a lawyer that enjoys kicking ass. I saw three lawyers and the one I picked was the one that told me 2 things: 1) I can't say for sure exactly how this is going to shake out for you because if I were representing your husband this is what I would be bringing up -x,y, z and a judge can do what they want. I liked that he played devil's advocate with me. 2) If after he's served he is avoidant and doesn't look at the papers then we are going to run him over. I liked that fight. It never came to it. My husband was agreeable after about a week and everything was amicable for the most part. One of my divorced friends has already recommended his lawyer to me, and I'll set an appointment for a free consult when my work schedule calms down a bit. Apparently the whole firm is very aggressive, tall, leggy women. Good for you! A recommendation is always helpful and aggressive with a view is perfect. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2016 19:46:53 GMT -5
I'm still finding this fascinating, negative motivation works better to get you out of a shithole marriage. Most things work better with positive motivation. It's almost is if after so long being unhappy you forget what happiness is like and so it has little meaning as a motivator. Suffering, that resonates with you.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2016 19:56:09 GMT -5
It was that way with me. There was the breaking point moment which was a minor argument but I said ok I can't take any more of these stupid arguments. And I began to realize that if I stayed in this marriage I might never have sex again.
Both negative motivators. I can't take it anymore and I don't like how the future looks.
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I think this means it's time for me to walk through the fire. I think I already am. Off to power walk so I can cry...
