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Post by bballgirl on Jul 23, 2016 6:07:19 GMT -5
Leaving was scary, literally I didn't know if he would be violent and he wasn't.
There were times he was angry, times he went back into denial.
The thought of being stuck and not being able to leave if he had a stroke was even scarier.
I think when the marriage gets to the point where you just can't take it anymore, the house feels like a prison, you are literally in survival mode... you get to a point that you don't give a shit anymore and it takes more courage to stay.
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Post by baza on Jul 23, 2016 7:26:39 GMT -5
There's a lot in that bbgirl.
When then the pain of staying reaches that tipping point of being worse than the pain of leaving, you go.
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The other motivation - that of hope and optimism for a better future - isn't the prime reason people get out. Though often it is a contributing factor to some extent.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 23, 2016 7:34:32 GMT -5
There's a lot in that bbgirl. When then the pain of staying reaches that tipping point of being worse than the pain of leaving, you go. - The other motivation - that of hope and optimism for a better future - isn't the prime reason people get out. Though often it is a contributing factor to some extent. "Pain of staying reaches a tipping point" - You said it perfectly, I couldn't think of the words but that's exactly what I was trying to say. I agree that at that point there are so many reasons once you get to that point sex isn't the main issue either. There is life after divorce and just because you aren't living together doesn't mean they aren't still in your life. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 23, 2016 7:40:18 GMT -5
There's a lot in that bbgirl. When then the pain of staying reaches that tipping point of being worse than the pain of leaving, you go. - The other motivation - that of hope and optimism for a better future - isn't the prime reason people get out. Though often it is a contributing factor to some extent. "Pain of staying reaches a tipping point" - You said it perfectly, I couldn't think of the words but that's exactly what I was trying to say. I agree that at that point there are so many reasons once you get to that point sex isn't the main issue either. There is life after divorce and just because you aren't living together doesn't mean they aren't still in your life. May I add onto that? when you are living together, but you no longer have a life together. That has become our tipping point. |
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Post by callisto on Oct 29, 2016 4:15:02 GMT -5
Just thought I'd pull this thread back up to the surface. I notice that you can dig back through the postings for many equally heart felt/ renching quests and nubs of SM situations.
Life is too short and IS slipping through our fingers..
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Post by Caris on Oct 29, 2016 12:28:42 GMT -5
ggold it is a harder road no doubt, but I think if you are someone who reads that and feels it calling to you, then you don't really have a choice. It is either live your life, or wrap yourself in musty grey blankets and lie down on the floor, waiting for death to creep closer one day at a time. Well this is me, isn't it? "Lying in musty grey blankets (metaphor for my life), and waiting for death to creep closer," and I'm out of the marriage. bballgirl is right, she doesn't want to reach 65, and see she's old and wasted her life, which is exactly what I did, although I'm not 65 yet, but close enough. Leaving gives no guarantees, but only possibilities. So one may be lying in musty grey blankets either way. It depends on many variables, and the personality of the individual. The only difference is possibility and you are no longer stressed by an abuser. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2016 13:27:02 GMT -5
Thanks for bringing this topic back up. I enjoyed reading it and it gives me something to think about today. I've reached another point in my relationship and it's not been as smooth sailing as I thought. I know it's just growth. Life can be a hard teacher but I'm okay with it. I want to shoot for excellence in my life and pain is part of the growing.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2016 21:52:38 GMT -5
The word "settling" sums it up. A sexless marriage is about survival. It's about licking your wounds at the end of the day every day. It's about learning to divert the energy of a basic biological drive into other things. It's about being lonely even as you lie next to someone in bed. It's about learning to pretend. And I'll smile and I'll learn to pretend. And I'll have no more dreams to defend. It's about getting to the end of the day feeling a sense of accomplishment that you didn't kill yourself, only to brace yourself for one last rejection at bedtime. And you drift off into a fitful sleep, a little less life left in you than the night before. But you'll survive tomorrow. Somehow.
This is not living. This is dying. This is cowering in dark catacombs hoping that if you do everything right a small ray of sunshine might somehow break through if even for a minute. And the sun shines bright and warm above, but you don't think you can make it that far. Too many dangers, safer to stay put. At least you know your way around down here. They need you down here anyway. And you live for the hope of that one brief minute of warmth, trying to convince yourself how good it is down here...if it just wasn't so damn cold.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Oct 29, 2016 22:42:36 GMT -5
The word "settling" sums it up. A sexless marriage is about survival. It's about licking your wounds at the end of the day every day. It's about learning to divert the energy of a basic biological drive into other things. It's about being lonely even as you lie next to someone in bed. It's about learning to pretend. And I'll smile and I'll learn to pretend. And I'll have no more dreams to defend. It's about getting to the end of the day feeling a sense of accomplishment that you didn't kill yourself, only to brace yourself for one last rejection at bedtime. And you drift off into a fitful sleep, a little less life left in you than the night before. But you'll survive tomorrow. Somehow. This is not living. This is dying. This is cowering in dark catacombs hoping that if you do everything right a small ray of sunshine might somehow break through if even for a minute. And the sun shines bright and warm above, but you don't think you can make it that far. Too many dangers, safer to stay put. At least you know your way around down here. They need you down here anyway. And you live for the hope of that one brief minute of warmth, trying to convince yourself how good it is down here...if it just wasn't so damn cold. [ This, Phin, is so exquisitely sad and beautifully put. I have woken from my fitful sleep to see this. Back to the lonely bed now.  |
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Post by RexCorvus on Oct 29, 2016 23:05:10 GMT -5
We walk through life without clear sight. It is as if we are surrounded by a fog. Until something jolts us awake and brings us close to death only then do we begin to see clearly. But we never know when it will wnd
When I was diagnosed with cancer things suddenly became clearer. the sky was bluer, the grass was greener, the air smelled sweeter. What truly mattered came into focus. I wanted to live! A true life that pursued only those things that mattered. Every day is precious, I know I can't live like this much longer.
I like this quote as a reminder:
"Death is always on the way, but the fact that you don't know when it will arrive seems to take away from the finiteness of life. It's that terrible precision that we hate so much. But because we don't know, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. Yet everything happens a certain number of times, and a very small number, really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, some afternoon that's so deeply a part of your being that you can't even conceive of your life without it? Perhaps four or five times more. Perhaps not even. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless."
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Paul Bowles
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