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Post by ggold on Jul 21, 2016 21:09:56 GMT -5
I was in the cardiologist's office with my mom yesterday. She had a follow-up appointment to check on her defibrillator. Mom had a massive heart attack in February and coded twice. It was not her time to go and the paramedics were at her home at the precise time to revive her. She's still with us and we are so thankful. It was during that time I became involved with the man who I would have one night of sex with. I was lonely from being in a SM for so long and was devastated by the near death of my mother. Truthfully, my mom's experience woke me up to how precious life is. I chose to have the affair for this very reason, that life was too short and I wanted to experience sex again. In the cardiologist's office yesterday, I looked around and saw an elderly man shuffling into the office barely able to walk. I saw another man with wires protruding from his chest connected to some type of heart monitor. I saw an older couple, the wife holding an empty cake tray standing next to her husband while he made his next appointment. Perhaps she brought the office a treat for the care they provided for her dear husband. The office waiting room was filled with people, mostly seniors, who had heart conditions. In my mind, my life fast-forwarded about 25 years. I saw myself. Old, wrinkled, maybe a little hunched over, thin and a bit frail. I asked myself, "Will I have a caring spouse by my side?" "Will I be alone?" " Would I have experienced true love by this stage of my life?" I then put the thought in a bubble and let it go. I came home to find this by Andrea Balt. It spoke to me. All of it. Loud and clear.  |
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 21, 2016 21:20:47 GMT -5
ggold, this is the thing that gnaws at me. Staying means choosing to definitively live a life without passion. Not getting the most out of the one life I have. And even as a guy, I think about the long term of having someone there to watch my back when the chips are down. But you know what, life could take our spouses at any point and we'd be in the same boat anyway. So, don't worry too much about it.
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Post by ggold on Jul 21, 2016 21:23:04 GMT -5
DryCreek. That is true, however, what gnaws on me more is the thought of not letting go now to give myself a chance of happiness.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 21, 2016 21:33:07 GMT -5
Beautiful piece.
Really speaks to me too.
Falling in love vs. Sex
I can live without falling in love. I love myself enough, I don't need a man for that. Yes I would want and like to meet a man to fall in love with some day.
I will never want to live without sex, that I need a man for.
I was in a sexless loveless marriage for a long time.
By getting out I put my destiny on a new path.
Will it lead to love? Who knows but if it does that man will be one lucky guy!
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Post by ggold on Jul 21, 2016 21:40:43 GMT -5
Beautiful piece. Really speaks to me too. Falling in love vs. Sex I can live without falling in love. I love myself enough, I don't need a man for that. Yes I would want and like to meet a man to fall in love with some day. I will never want to live without sex, that I need a man for. I was in a sexless loveless marriage for a long time. By getting out I put my destiny on a new path. Will it lead to love? Who knows but if it does that man will be one lucky guy! That man will be more than lucky to have you. He will be blessed. Xo |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 21, 2016 21:41:39 GMT -5
ggold, this is the thing that gnaws at me. Staying means choosing to definitively live a life without passion. Not getting the most out of the one life I have. And even as a guy, I think about the long term of having someone there to watch my back when the chips are down. But you know what, life could take our spouses at any point and we'd be in the same boat anyway. So, don't worry too much about it. I couldn't do that. I deserved better than that. You deserve better than that. You have served your time. I didn't want to get to 65 and say I should have divorced him 20 years ago and look back on a sad waste of time. As far as someone having my back, he never did. I lived like a single mom with 3 children even though I only birthed 2. I know the dynamic is different for you because your wife is a good person and you are friends who love each other without passion. To me passion is more satisfying than love. It makes me feel wanted and desired. There are so many psychological and physiological benefits. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2016 22:10:09 GMT -5
Just this evening I was thinking that I am with someone who I am deeply in love with...
I want to be with someone who makes me feel amazing, who makes me light up, who makes me a better person, someone I want to come home to...
I think of a few amazing women who passed through my life and I never told them how I felt...
I may never feel that joy of being with someone amazing.... to my eyes....
As I thought about it, I started to cry...
All this after another stupid fight with the W....
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Post by ggold on Jul 21, 2016 22:25:08 GMT -5
Just this evening I was thinking that I am with someone who I am deeply in love with... I want to be with someone who makes me feel amazing, who makes me light up, who makes me a better person, someone I want to come home to... I think of a few amazing women who passed through my life and I never told them how I felt... I may never feel that joy of being with someone amazing.... to my eyes.... As I thought about it, I started to cry... All this after another stupid fight with the W.... ((Hugs)) Take one moment at a time. |
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Post by unmatched on Jul 21, 2016 22:31:54 GMT -5
ggold it is a harder road no doubt, but I think if you are someone who reads that and feels it calling to you, then you don't really have a choice. It is either live your life, or wrap yourself in musty grey blankets and lie down on the floor, waiting for death to creep closer one day at a time.
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Post by ggold on Jul 21, 2016 22:35:11 GMT -5
ggold it is a harder road no doubt, but I think if you are someone who reads that and feels it calling to you, then you don't really have a choice. It is either live your life, or wrap yourself in musty grey blankets and lie down on the floor, waiting for death to creep closer one day at a time. The second option is too morbid |
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Post by baza on Jul 22, 2016 0:05:49 GMT -5
"The second option is too morbid"
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And there, in a nutshell, are the two prime forces of motivation in play.
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#1 - the positive and uplifting words of Andrea Balt which may inspire one to action on a basis of hope and attaining a future goal.
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#2 - the depressing (but accurate) words of Brother unmatched, which may inspire one to action on a basis of fear of ones situation continuing / worsening.
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They are both completely legitimate motivational methods.
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Unfortunately though, the anecdotal evidence is that most disenfranchised spouses choose "neither of the above", and the status quo floats on.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 22, 2016 7:38:33 GMT -5
ggold , this is the thing that gnaws at me. Staying means choosing to definitively live a life without passion. Not getting the most out of the one life I have. And even as a guy, I think about the long term of having someone there to watch my back when the chips are down. But you know what, life could take our spouses at any point and we'd be in the same boat anyway. So, don't worry too much about it. DC, you often have thoughts and words that speak passionately and directly and empathetically to others situations. But it seems you lack that same empathy for yourself. I read a resignation to your fate of a passionless life. It's true we can't see what tomorrow might have in store for us unless we choose to accept yesterdays fare. My experience since my X moved out 15 months ago is less than I had hoped for. But when I head out the driveway, my old ass gripping the seat of my Harley, I have the promise of the potential for more. Something I would not have had if I had continued in the marriage. I have the same hope for you my friend. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 22, 2016 8:24:56 GMT -5
@ggold, I love this piece of writing! It's about more than just a relationship, but about choosing your life in all aspects. The part that got to me most was the "lukewarm comfort that feeds off our desire and numbs us from remembering that we are meant for more." That is exactly how I felt in my marriage - lukewarm comfort was as good as it was ever going to get. I can't count the number of times I was desperate for a real connection and got a brush off instead, and I'm not talking about only sex. I can remember standing in the kitchen crying about my father dying and having to ask my then husband for a hug. He couldn't even reach out in the simplest ways. It was a half-relationship, and it grayed out my whole life, made me settle for less across the board.
My life isn't perfect now, by any means. I ended up staying up until almost midnight working because I lost three hours of work to a software glitch yesterday. The dog is whining to be taken for a walk on this humid, hot morning, the sink is full of dishes and I have a to do list the length of my arm. But here's the thing - it doesn't feel overwhelming anymore. In fact, I'm not even feeling particularly stressed. I feel balanced and capable. Last night I could have melted down and honestly, if I'd still been married, I probably would have - living with someone who is incapable of supporting and loving you makes everything harder. But last night, instead of freaking out, I went and worked out at the gym. I came home sweaty and calm and I powered through my work in half the time it took me to get it done the first time. I chose a new life, a more authentic one and it isn't easy, but it feels damn good.
I just copied Andrea Balt's piece to a document and I'm printing it out to put on my mirror. It speaks to me powerfully. Thank you for sharing it!
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Post by ggold on Jul 22, 2016 9:04:23 GMT -5
@mountainrunner. If you are on Facebook, definitely follow her!!!
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 22, 2016 11:04:59 GMT -5
DC, you often have thoughts and words that speak passionately and directly and empathetically to others situations. But it seems you lack that same empathy for yourself. I read a resignation to your fate of a passionless life. So true, and thank you for the kind words. It is much easier to be objective with others' situations than it is to take your own advice. I know the advice I'd give myself. There is little doubt as to the future here. And that much of life will not be lived if I stay. But rescuing myself is a heart-wrenching move. |
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