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Post by ggold on Jul 22, 2016 11:12:46 GMT -5
DryCreek Yes, rescuing yourself is a heart-wrenching move. I feel that way as well. I battle so many different emotions each day, it's exhausting. It's clear to me, however, that I do need to rescue myself. In doing so, I will also be rescuing my children. I am in for a messy ride. I am fucking scared as hell. I had the retainer for the attorney in front of me yesterday. I began to fill it out. My heart was pounding and I felt my anxiety rise just by doing that. I haven't mailed it in to her yet. There are a few more steps I need to take. I truly believe that with each step, there will be some relief combined with fear. One moment at a time. Slowly. I can do this. I know you can as well when your heart and soul give you every indication you are ready. Thinking of you...
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sufferinhubby
Junior Member
My marriage is not a tragedy. It's more like a romantic comedy without the romance
Posts: 67 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by sufferinhubby on Jul 22, 2016 11:29:00 GMT -5
You have seen a future I don't like to think about, but one that looms on the horizon. Your trip to the cardiologist office with your Mom puts me in mind of Ebenezer Scrooge's visitation from the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come. I quote:
"Good Spirit, assure me that I yet may change these shadows you have shown me, by an altered life!"
And he did. Perhaps we need to heed the words of Charles Dickens.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 22, 2016 13:55:56 GMT -5
Ooh, this is a good one @ggold!!
I really want to dig my teeth in but I'm on mobile (ack!) and busy today.
Briefly, the topic of passion hits me big time. My mantra of late has been "grab joy!"
There has been so little of it in my SM but i finally realized, I can grab it without and in spite of my refuser! So, I'm hitting the gym hard (mega joy there), prioritizing friends, chatting with you fun folks, taking and planning vacations sans refuser, and up next - Flamenco dancing lessons! Jesus, how fun is that??
And all by my little self. Don't need a man (or a woman) in your life to have fun. In fact, I really think bringing passion to your life and grabbing joy and loving yourself and your life SOLO is a prerequisite to the next relationship. Also letting go of hope for that.
For me, being alone is a mega-upgrade and b/c I'll be demanding a goddamn king among men next time (likely an impossible feat), I'm better than OK with the idea of being alone. My life is pretty damn fun! I'm fun! I'm passionate. Right now!
So, begin grabbing joy and having passion this very minute. The rest (leaving a refuser) will fall into place much more peacefully after you are happy with yourself. And for some of us, being happy might just fix the relationship. Let's not hold our breaths (I'm definitely not), but it's worth a try.
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Post by Dan on Jul 22, 2016 15:50:52 GMT -5
ggold , this is the thing that gnaws at me. Staying means choosing to definitively live a life without passion. Not getting the most out of the one life I have. And even as a guy, I think about the long term of having someone there to watch my back when the chips are down. But you know what, life could take our spouses at any point and we'd be in the same boat anyway. So, don't worry too much about it. and I live on different edges of the North American continent... but I think we are sitting on the same fence. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 22, 2016 18:26:17 GMT -5
DryCreek. That is true, however, what gnaws on me more is the thought of not letting go now to give myself a chance of happiness. I'll say it again, you can't get the years back. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 22, 2016 18:35:37 GMT -5
ggold , this is the thing that gnaws at me. Staying means choosing to definitively live a life without passion. Not getting the most out of the one life I have. And even as a guy, I think about the long term of having someone there to watch my back when the chips are down. But you know what, life could take our spouses at any point and we'd be in the same boat anyway. So, don't worry too much about it. DC, you often have thoughts and words that speak passionately and directly and empathetically to others situations. But it seems you lack that same empathy for yourself. I read a resignation to your fate of a passionless life. It's true we can't see what tomorrow might have in store for us unless we choose to accept yesterdays fare. My experience since my X moved out 15 months ago is less than I had hoped for. But when I head out the driveway, my old ass gripping the seat of my Harley, I have the promise of the potential for more. Something I would not have had if I had continued in the marriage. I have the same hope for you my friend. I'm glad you pointed that out, Opposite Land isn't always Lotus Land. But it's better than the wastelands. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 22, 2016 18:42:38 GMT -5
DryCreek Yes, rescuing yourself is a heart-wrenching move. I feel that way as well. I battle so many different emotions each day, it's exhausting. It's clear to me, however, that I do need to rescue myself. In doing so, I will also be rescuing my children. I am in for a messy ride. I am fucking scared as hell. I had the retainer for the attorney in front of me yesterday. I began to fill it out. My heart was pounding and I felt my anxiety rise just by doing that. I haven't mailed it in to her yet. There are a few more steps I need to take. I truly believe that with each step, there will be some relief combined with fear. One moment at a time. Slowly. I can do this. I know you can as well when your heart and soul give you every indication you are ready. Thinking of you... This is all normal. This may be the hardest most stressful thing you will ever do. One step at a time. There is so much to think about, if you try to solve it all at once you'll implode. I'll tell you this as a guaranteed natural fact: once you hire a lawyer, that's when it's going to start feeling real. Once you put that envelope in the mail, you're on your way. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 22, 2016 18:46:58 GMT -5
Beautiful piece. Really speaks to me too. Falling in love vs. Sex I can live without falling in love. I love myself enough, I don't need a man for that. Yes I would want and like to meet a man to fall in love with some day. I will never want to live without sex, that I need a man for. I was in a sexless loveless marriage for a long time. By getting out I put my destiny on a new path. Will it lead to love? Who knows but if it does that man will be one lucky guy! You got it baby, don't settle! |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 22, 2016 18:54:29 GMT -5
Beautiful piece. Really speaks to me too. Falling in love vs. Sex I can live without falling in love. I love myself enough, I don't need a man for that. Yes I would want and like to meet a man to fall in love with some day. I will never want to live without sex, that I need a man for. I was in a sexless loveless marriage for a long time. By getting out I put my destiny on a new path. Will it lead to love? Who knows but if it does that man will be one lucky guy! You got it baby, don't settle! Xoxoxo |
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Post by ggold on Jul 22, 2016 23:02:11 GMT -5
DryCreek Yes, rescuing yourself is a heart-wrenching move. I feel that way as well. I battle so many different emotions each day, it's exhausting. It's clear to me, however, that I do need to rescue myself. In doing so, I will also be rescuing my children. I am in for a messy ride. I am fucking scared as hell. I had the retainer for the attorney in front of me yesterday. I began to fill it out. My heart was pounding and I felt my anxiety rise just by doing that. I haven't mailed it in to her yet. There are a few more steps I need to take. I truly believe that with each step, there will be some relief combined with fear. One moment at a time. Slowly. I can do this. I know you can as well when your heart and soul give you every indication you are ready. Thinking of you... This is all normal. This may be the hardest most stressful thing you will ever do. One step at a time. There is so much to think about, if you try to solve it all at once you'll implode. I'll tell you this as a guaranteed natural fact: once you hire a lawyer, that's when it's going to start feeling real. Once you put that envelope in the mail, you're on your way. It is getting very close. And very real. :-( |
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unkakris
Junior Member
Trying to Figure This Out
Posts: 86
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by unkakris on Jul 22, 2016 23:52:32 GMT -5
DryCreek Yes, rescuing yourself is a heart-wrenching move. I feel that way as well. I battle so many different emotions each day, it's exhausting. It's clear to me, however, that I do need to rescue myself. In doing so, I will also be rescuing my children. I am in for a messy ride. I am fucking scared as hell. I had the retainer for the attorney in front of me yesterday. I began to fill it out. My heart was pounding and I felt my anxiety rise just by doing that. I haven't mailed it in to her yet. There are a few more steps I need to take. I truly believe that with each step, there will be some relief combined with fear. One moment at a time. Slowly. I can do this. I know you can as well when your heart and soul give you every indication you are ready. Thinking of you... Do it afraid. The fear remains, until the ACTION kills it. |
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unkakris
Junior Member
Trying to Figure This Out
Posts: 86
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by unkakris on Jul 22, 2016 23:59:17 GMT -5
Also, you just made me think to myself "what will this relationship look like in 10 years? What will I look like (mentally and spiritually) in 10 years? In 20? If I stay?"
Is that who I want to be?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2016 0:06:10 GMT -5
Also, you just made me think to myself "what will this relationship look like in 10 years? What will I look like (mentally and spiritually) in 10 years? In 20? If I stay?" Is that who I want to be? Dysfunctional relationships tend to resist change. So what will the relationship look like in 10 years? Probably the same way it looks now. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 23, 2016 0:23:51 GMT -5
Do it afraid. The fear remains, until the ACTION kills it. , "Courage is being scared to death... and saddling up anyway." John Wayne |
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Post by ggold on Jul 23, 2016 0:33:06 GMT -5
Do it afraid. The fear remains, until the ACTION kills it. , "Courage is being scared to death... and saddling up anyway." John WayneAmen!! |
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