|
|
Post by Neotericgal on Jul 21, 2016 12:38:13 GMT -5
This is also an update. I had a really huge fight with my H last night. He told me last night that he had zero sex drive in addition to his ED... and that if I wanted to stay in the relationship, then I could. I told him that I needed intimacy and connection, that this arrangement would not work because I was unhappy, and need my husband.
Of all the things he said to me last night, it was clear that he held me responsible for everything over the years, made no apologies to me for anything he's done, and literally sat emotionless while I cried heartbroken for hours, and pretended to sleep through my tears all night. The pain is pretty much devastating. Im planning to see an attorney the first week of August.
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jul 21, 2016 13:32:22 GMT -5
He said you can stay if you want to!
Hmmm very generous offer! [snark]
Why would you want to?
Good idea to see an attorney.
|
|
|
|
Post by Caris on Jul 21, 2016 13:40:03 GMT -5
Dear mogirl, he has just shown how much he cares for you, which sadly is not at all. You are doing the right thing. He dishonors your love and affection, and your own basic human need for respect and compassion from those who supposedly love you.
We would not treat a dog this way if it were suffering, yet we remain with partners who treat us with indifference, and even cruelty in many instances. Do what you need to do. We are here for you.
|
|
|
|
Post by misssunnybunny on Jul 21, 2016 13:41:17 GMT -5
It is painful, especially when it seems they don't care how much we are hurting. Good for you, seeing an attorney.
|
|
|
|
Post by needtoresolve on Jul 21, 2016 13:46:44 GMT -5
That is classic manipulative behavior; it will hurt you deeper with time unless you find an effective way to manage it. Sometimes the only effective way is to escape.
By all means speak with your attorney. But I would suggest very strongly that in addition, you also seek out and retain a therapist. You will need help getting though this firestorm whether you stay or leave the marriage.
Look for a therapist who has experience dealing with victims of trauma. Psychological abuse like this is extremely serious PTSD stuff. You have been living with the recurrent trauma and you will need tools to manage it. Good luck!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2016 14:58:06 GMT -5
This is also an update. I had a really huge fight with my H last night. He told me last night that he had zero sex drive in addition to his ED... and that if I wanted to stay in the relationship, then I could. I told him that I needed intimacy and connection, that this arrangement would not work because I was unhappy, and need my husband. Of all the things he said to me last night, it was clear that he held me responsible for everything over the years, made no apologies to me for anything he's done, and literally sat emotionless while I cried heartbroken for hours, and pretended to sleep through my tears all night. The pain is pretty much devastating. Im planning to see an attorney the first week of August. Good plan of action. Don't fall for it when he suddenly gets emotional when he realizes you're seriously leaving. |
|
|
|
Post by unmatched on Jul 21, 2016 18:07:09 GMT -5
He is either being honest and telling you he can't give you what you need, in which case maybe he is doing you a favour. Or he is bluffing you, in which case he is a heartless piece of shit and he is doing you a favour by demonstrating that so clearly. Either way this is a gift. In a truly horrible package. So be strong, let yourself feel as hurt as you need to, and do what you need to do. You've got this.
|
|
|
|
Post by Pinkberry on Jul 21, 2016 18:11:48 GMT -5
Good plan, my friend. He will not take action to take care of you, so you must.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2016 18:25:35 GMT -5
He is either being honest and telling you he can't give you what you need, in which case maybe he is doing you a favour. Or he is bluffing you, in which case he is a heartless piece of shit and he is doing you a favour by demonstrating that so clearly. Either way this is a gift. In a truly horrible package. So be strong, let yourself feel as hurt as you need to, and do what you need to do. You've got this. The other alternative -- and I think it's even more likely -- is he's posturing. Maybe that's what you meant as "Bluffing". By "Posturing", I mean "Acting Tough". Acting like this doesn't mean anything to him. Especially the part about acting like he's sleeping. "Look how strong and disconnected I am -- Sleeping like a baby!" It's a defense mechanism. If this is the case, his "Honest" response would be: "I'm a fucked up Neuter. Less than Half a Man. I'm so ashamed and embarrassed. Look at me! What am I supposed to do? How can anyone help ME?" Most folks will never say anything like that. They couldn't. Talk about INTIMACY!! That's bearing your SOUL. So they posture and play strong. BTW: Same thing happens during the Talk TM or the SmallerTalks TM when you bear your soul and beg for an explanation, and they blame YOU! You're never going to hear: "I thought you were presentable with earning potential, but never had any intention of really being a MATE. Honestly, I have no idea what this Commitment thing is, but I sure hope to figure out ways to keep this Gravy Train on the tracks until my half will last me through my actuarial table". OR "You were really cute and all my friends thought you were a doll! You also had a family and character I always thought was pretty cool and wished I could be part of. So, I thought WTH, go for it! Well, I don't get it, and I've found that those things aren't really all they're cracked up to be. I'll be in my room watching porn and whacking off now. Oh, please make that spaghetti I like so much. And can you get your brother Bill to take the boys fishing, I'm tired of them nagging me." |
|
|
|
Post by unmatched on Jul 21, 2016 18:34:30 GMT -5
He is either being honest and telling you he can't give you what you need, in which case maybe he is doing you a favour. Or he is bluffing you, in which case he is a heartless piece of shit and he is doing you a favour by demonstrating that so clearly. Either way this is a gift. In a truly horrible package. So be strong, let yourself feel as hurt as you need to, and do what you need to do. You've got this. The other alternative -- and I think it's even more likely -- is he's posturing. Maybe that's what you meant as "Bluffing". By "Posturing", I mean "Acting Tough". Acting like this doesn't mean anything to him. Especially the part about acting like he's sleeping. "Look how strong and disconnected I am -- Sleeping like a baby!" It's a defense mechanism. If this is the case, his "Honest" response would be: "I'm a fucked up Neuter. Less than Half a Man. I'm so ashamed and embarrassed. Look at me! What am I supposed to do? How can anyone help ME?" Most folks will never say anything like that. They couldn't. Talk about INTIMACY!! That's bearing your SOUL. So they posture and play strong. BTW: Same thing happens during the Talk TM or the SmallerTalks TM when you bear your soul and beg for an explanation, and they blame YOU! You're never going to hear: "I thought you were presentable with earning potential, but never had any intention of really being a MATE. Honestly, I have no idea what this Commitment thing is, but I sure hope to figure out ways to keep this Gravy Train on the tracks until my half will last me through my actuarial table". OR "You were really cute and all my friends thought you were a doll! You also had a family and character I always thought was pretty cool and wished I could be part of. So, I thought WTH, go for it! Well, I don't get it, and I've found that those things aren't really all they're cracked up to be. I'll be in my room watching porn and whacking off now. Oh, please make that spaghetti I like so much. And can you get your brother Bill to take the boys fishing, I'm tired of them nagging me." That is pretty much what I suspect too. In which case he is both being honest that he is not going to change, and also being a heartless piece of shit by letting you feel awful because he is too weak to come out and be honest about it. |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jul 21, 2016 19:24:53 GMT -5
He is either being honest and telling you he can't give you what you need, in which case maybe he is doing you a favour. Or he is bluffing you, in which case he is a heartless piece of shit and he is doing you a favour by demonstrating that so clearly. Either way this is a gift. In a truly horrible package. So be strong, let yourself feel as hurt as you need to, and do what you need to do. You've got this. The other alternative -- and I think it's even more likely -- is he's posturing. Maybe that's what you meant as "Bluffing". By "Posturing", I mean "Acting Tough". Acting like this doesn't mean anything to him. Especially the part about acting like he's sleeping. "Look how strong and disconnected I am -- Sleeping like a baby!" It's a defense mechanism. If this is the case, his "Honest" response would be: "I'm a fucked up Neuter. Less than Half a Man. I'm so ashamed and embarrassed. Look at me! What am I supposed to do? How can anyone help ME?" Most folks will never say anything like that. They couldn't. Talk about INTIMACY!! That's bearing your SOUL. So they posture and play strong. BTW: Same thing happens during the Talk TM or the SmallerTalks TM when you bear your soul and beg for an explanation, and they blame YOU! You're never going to hear: "I thought you were presentable with earning potential, but never had any intention of really being a MATE. Honestly, I have no idea what this Commitment thing is, but I sure hope to figure out ways to keep this Gravy Train on the tracks until my half will last me through my actuarial table". OR "You were really cute and all my friends thought you were a doll! You also had a family and character I always thought was pretty cool and wished I could be part of. So, I thought WTH, go for it! Well, I don't get it, and I've found that those things aren't really all they're cracked up to be. I'll be in my room watching porn and whacking off now. Oh, please make that spaghetti I like so much. And can you get your brother Bill to take the boys fishing, I'm tired of them nagging me." The last paragraph is my ex. You nailed that! |
|
|
|
Post by obobfla on Jul 21, 2016 19:55:02 GMT -5
This is also an update. I had a really huge fight with my H last night. He told me last night that he had zero sex drive in addition to his ED... and that if I wanted to stay in the relationship, then I could. I told him that I needed intimacy and connection, that this arrangement would not work because I was unhappy, and need my husband. Of all the things he said to me last night, it was clear that he held me responsible for everything over the years, made no apologies to me for anything he's done, and literally sat emotionless while I cried heartbroken for hours, and pretended to sleep through my tears all night. The pain is pretty much devastating. Im planning to see an attorney the first week of August. I think you know what you need to know. Get out. You don't need to say anymore to him or even yell at him. He's made his point clear. Let your attorney talk to him. I hope you get back on your feet. Any man would be lucky to have you. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2016 20:18:42 GMT -5
The last paragraph is my ex. You nailed that! People really aren't that complicated. I could introduce you to 10 of your husbands without digging too deeply into my memory. These guys are everywhere. And not that careful about hiding it from their buddies. In fact, they're normally proud of it. That and how much they can drink. |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jul 21, 2016 21:13:19 GMT -5
Back on June 29, you said you had your legal advice and an exit strategy in do-able shape, plus support network et al.
-
This now reads like you didn't and haven't yet sourced a lawyer or done the other prep work.
(If I've got that wrong I apologise).
It would be a real good idea to do that. And to construct your exit strategy and knock it in to do-able status, and to shore up your support network, and research everything you can find about helping kids (if any) transition through such a circumstance.
|
|
|
|
Post by Neotericgal on Jul 21, 2016 21:43:38 GMT -5
Thank you all for your support, and validation that I am not crazy. Even through tears as I write this I can feel all of your wishes for me, and it humbles me.
I think part of what hurts the most is that while I loved him, truly loved him, my expectations were that he also loved me enough to fight for me, for us, and holding out hope that he felt all of the years together were worth fighting for and not throwing away like yesterday's garbage.
This is the same man who nearly a month ago thought things were peachy. Am i perfect? No. I'm opinionated, and the kind of woman who tries to see the best in people. He calls me naive, and sheltered, and I have been - he handles all of the money, I don't have any friends near me, my own family is over 1000 miles away, My whole life revolved literally around him, what he wanted, and his best friend - who out of all the people that we collectively know is the ONLY one he will visit or allow to come over.
I always let him tell me it was because he was 'protecting me', but I think he was treating me more like an indentured and loyal servant with some freedoms, like being able to go buy the odd thing that I needed so long as I dont ask him for anything, or to do anything. We bought our house a little over a year ago.. And he still hasnt organized his things. I clean the home, work part-time, school part-time (full time really, im stuck doing homework the rest of the time) all my pay goes into our account and he takes it from there. I'm probably speaking out of anger?/hurt, but when i had a talk with him and asked him to change and to do what would make me happy, I rocked the boat, and that was simply unacceptable- period. What a blow to my self- esteem, self- confidence, and woman-hood, seriously. I may not be a 10, but Im not a zero!! .
Im a bit scared of the 'real world', and lack some skills to do things on my own. This in all honestly may have also contributed to my dependence, and he banked on it. I realized looking back, that the only real wedded bliss in the intimacy sense was year one, almost 12 years ago... and i've been living in the clinical definition of a sexless marriage since then but foolishly holding out hope, partly because I did not want another failed marriage, and mostly because I deeply loved and was proud of the man I married.
I bring a lot to the relationship table I think; I'm loyal, (clearly WAY too loyal), fun-loving, feminine, caring, giving of myself to those who need it, I cant watch human society commercials or see anyone else crying because I cry too, yet I feel worthless, hated even because of the hurtful things he has said to me. Because of our financial situation, he has proposed that we keep things as they are both financially and sleeping arrangements (sharing the bed) until I graduate school and can get a job. He refused to sleep on the sofa, because it was his house, and his bed, but I could go if I wanted.
Whoa, i got on a vent and didn't realize how much was pouring out! I wanted to also respond to some of the comments you all have left:
bballgirl: he withdrew that sweet offer when I told him I deserved more today before he left for work. His response? "You're right, you do deserve more." Then he drove off impatiently.
Caris: You are so right. When i first read your post, I basically cried. Im definately grieving right now because I know this is true. Thank you for your support.
misssunnybunny: Thank you, this is what I really need to do now, its baby steps for me but Im starting with a legal consult!!
need and phineas: Thank you, and yes I will follow through with this plan. I put out several calls today to different attorneys, and actually ended up with 3 free consults, my first being much sooner then I'd hoped which is tomorrow afternoon.
unmatched and Pink: Thank you. (hugs)
Creel: Wow. I read your post, then read it again thinking that your post was so spot on. To be fair, he DID say the first part of your post back in December when I asked him to go get himself treated. This go round, totally different... He refuses to go seek treatment because as he said, when he tried it for a brief time before in 2012, the olny benefit he gained was that his knees felt better, that was it. (Yet i recall an increase in affection leading to sex, and hearing him tell the NP it was working). He stopped this Therapy when she unexpectedly left the practice. His excuse then became the cost (and now its obvious he can't be bothered).
He is OK with me taking all of the blame for everything. He owns no responsibility, and ALWAYS flips it around with, "but YOU." I have said sorry countless times to him when I thought he made a point, but no reciprocation there for sure. You are so right though, he essentially mis-represented himself to me!!!!!
Bob: Thank you. Maybe one day, when I am happy again with myself I will be with someone who appreciates me for me!
|
|
